Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Friends and bee'sitch.

Dear Diary ((8:44 PM)) ^listen to The Bird and the Worm and Hot Air Balloon by Owl City, he's great and I'm hooked like phonics!

I randomly feel upset.
So, there's a flaw in my life right now and it's half EXBFF's fault. And you know why? I've thought about this for a while and I finally found a way to connect the dots between everything.

Alright, so I said that my friend's friend who is a guy possibly liked me right? I don't think so anymore. Sometimes I see him around lunch or after school but I never really talk to him, more then a simple head nod and/or a simple "Hi," or "Hey, __."
But that's only part of the reason I'm feeling upset I think.

So, remember Mindy from a while ago? Well, we were super close at first, but then I started hanging with EXBFF a little more and lately (before today) most of my time has been going to her. The local drink place (Quickly's) is a local hangout after school and this is a awkward place for me. It's like...I have two of my different cliques hanging out in the same place. I'm with EXBFF because I feel bad when I'm hanging out with other more "cool" people around her, but not hanging with just her. It took me a while to figure out why I felt this way, but I realized why. Back in both 4th and 6th grade a couple of cooler girls would ask me to hang out with them and I would...I would hang out with them more and more but EXBFF wouldn't join me even when I asked. But then almost all my time would go to the cool girls and she became a depressed loner. It fills me with guilt, but I know that it's a part of life...but at the same time I feel like a bitch when I don't hang out with her now. Like history is repeating itself right now and I seriously need to make a decision on who I want to hang out with the next 4 years. After choosing to hang out more with EXBFF back in elementary school, I regretted my decision years later when the girls that I could have stuck with became very close and I missed out on all of it. They know who I picked and I can't change that. But now I have to re-choose and it's like I can fix my past almost.
But then again, I'm not doing too bad right now, so does that mean I made a good choice? Someone HELP me! I'm so confused and awkward feeling right now.

So now the bee'sitch part of my post today.
I've slowly become a bee'sitch. (BITCH if you don't get it).
I think that I've actually been taking tactics that some of my semi-bully semi-friends have used on me and they made me feel like a shit.
And I guess that to protect myself now, I do what people did to me so that now I know who's in control. I am. And people know that I'm one of those cool bee'sitches who doesn't take shit from others, but at the same time, won't be mean if you don't cross her. I'm the girl I wanted to be in middle school. But now I feel kind of bad for being what I am. The guilt builds up...and I can imagine these people going straight home after school and thinking. Like I used to. Just think about insults that they get.
For example, BigFatHen (the girl who made me feels SO SO SO bad in middle school...) would make my friend PrincessGiggles laugh by telling people in my class that they were "STUPID" in a disgusted way and with a deep voice. I felt like shit and felt like crying when I got home. I knew she was joking, but I continually felt stung from little things like this. And now I do it. I do the exact same "STUPID" thing that she did and it makes me feel powerful and cool. Like I'm at her level now, at my school.
So this week me and EXBFF have decided we will be really nice this week..tell you how that turns out.

See ya later?
-That Girl, what is the verdict?

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