Dear Diary, (okay well this post was actually from 2 days before Christmas-er maybe Christmas Eve? Definitely not "XMAS" whatever the "heck" people mean when they say that-but I never got a chance to finish, so I'll just finish it now and add some other new stuff that has happened.)
I've been feeling awfully confused lately.
Like really, really confused. Like batshit crazy confused.
You know that guy that I talked about before? I forgot what code name I gave him but he was the close guy friend I have who I went shopping with a month after school started and I first met him in the beginning of the year, and we're going bowling next week. I'll get to why we're bowling now. I have more PRESSING matters swirling around in my head right now.
So, you see. I had this picture of myself on Facebook with me and EXBFF from when we went shopping together on Monday after seeing The Princess and the Frog.
Straight up one of the best Disney movies ever! Like really, it totally trumps a bunch of them. No lie. And you know, whatever other slang words for "seriously" and "no, REALLY," btw I'm watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince right now and as I typed "no, REALLY," Harry said that. At the exact time, "no REALLY!" How odd is that? Btw #2, that close guy friend I have often refers me as "very odd" when I tease him about something or act weird in front of him. But strangely enough? I feel really comfortable being myself and crap around him. Why? I really don't know. I just...don't know. So. More about him.
Me and EXBFF took a picture of us trying on accessories and I posted it on Facebook (of course after a little editing on Picnik.com first to rid of the odd zit or two on either of our faces) and here comes the weird part, his comment? This is what it was:
It was odd and weird and I literally went "aw" when I read it (quietly of course, and it was not for dramatic effect, I can tell you that. And so my reply was: :
Aww thank ya very much :)
And he replied
Nice picture. This is one of my favorite pictures of you.
And I said something about him liking it because I look batshit crazy in a bunch of other ones (yes, that's right I used the word batshit appropriately more than once than once today! Woot.) and his reply though? He said that he just liked my smile in that one. Well, woopdeedoo I kind of wanted to reply back, but at the same time, I wasn't sure what to respond to it. SO I just said thanks again and told him that he better be there at hangout day that he wanted to plan, although he-according to text messages-"passed the responsibility of planning" to me. Which means I had to plan where to meet, who to invite, and what we were gonna do.
But I still don't understand why he would tell me that I'm beautiful and...be so nice to me and stuff. Is he just trying to be a wannabe "playahplayah" and flirting with me? Or did he simply just sorta like my smile in that certain picture and it meant nothing? Or...(this is the worst case scenario) does he actually like me? By like, I mean the big LIKE like. Sometimes I wish that I went to an all-girls school. I mean sure, I've heard before that the school is full of sluts/skanks/hoes/different-abrasive-term-for-an-"easy"-girl but I don't think that it's all true. They can't all be misfits, and I'm not one myself. There would be less guy trouble, but at the same time, sometimes I like hangout out with guys a whole lot more than I like hanging out with girls. More fun, less pressure to break out in a catfight. So, okay maybe a nix on the all girls school thing, but I wish that guys would just SAY what was on their minds. I never understand them really.
The thing is-and this is the most shallow thing that I've ever thought/said-maybe if this guy was better looking, I'd like him more. His personality is...okay. 5/10 I'd say. Maybe a 4 or 4 and 1/2 though because he has a short temper and acts like a jerk sometimes, he shows his pervertness all the time, and has a lisp. Okay, the lisp is okay since it's not extreme or anything, but he's also not that great when it comes to vocabulary and stuff. Sure, I can talk to him about anything and be comfortable, but doesn't that mean I see him more as a friend than a potential boyfriend? After all, when you LIKE like somebody, you get the butterflies and all that junk, right? I have the opposite effect for this guy. And I'm not attracted to him at all. I mean, he dresses fine, but I don't like his hair and some of his shoe choices-though expensive-aren't that great. His Nikes sometimes come in weird styles like purple, black, and white because he likes purple, but those shoes remind me a 60's bowler trying to look hip. This erks me very much. But more about this later.
That was about it for that day's post ^
Now to the holly jolly Christmas post. Can I get an excess of "woot woot" just for Christmas?
So, my mom decided to unintentionally go ghetto for our immediate family this year (not counting the huge "butt" family gathering I had filled with all my aunts and uncles and cousins ranging from the ages of 23 to 31) as it got too late to get a Christmas tree this year and instead of a tree we ended taking some plastic red "Christmas themed" flowers and put them in an old Pringles container. I felt like crying and bawling and all other synonyms for sobbing my eyes out when I saw this horrible replacement for a tree. I felt so incredibly jealous of those other kids with real pine-scented Christmas trees, or even the kids with the small fake ones that looked real. All the trees decorated with ornaments. With lights. The houses with Santa and reindeer lighting up outside the houses. Now, I don't live in a poor neighborhood though, so don't get that idea in your head. My neighbors are all pretty wealthy with big "butt" trees and lights and decorations and oh "gosh," they had wreaths outside their doors that said "Merry Christmas and God Bless You this season" I always admired. "Heck," the fake ones made of purple foil I admired too this Christmas. But no. My mom had to buy a second house and have our spending funds cut in half because of that.
But hey, my whole mom's side of the family did have a bug bash with singing Christmas carols together by the tv with a fake fire (we love the tackiness of the fake fire and go and pretend to warm our hands by it sometime. We all have a good hoot at this.) and a game of White Elephant.
But. Did I ever mention that my parents are divorced? I hate having divorced parents more than I'm willing to admit. Ever. I always pretend like I don't care at all that my parents are divorced, but sometimes I feel like it really messes with my mind at times. I forgot where I heard this before, but I heard one time that girls who have divorced parents and don't see their fathers all the time-like they live with their mom and the dad is basically mia except one day a week (Saturday in my case)-they feel like all men in their life will leave them. I'm not sure if this is true, but I'm more on the negative side of this; as in, I think it's false. I know that not ALL men will leave me. Then again, my older brother moved out of my house and he was basically my fatherly influence 6 out of 7 days a week so I almost feel like my father figure deserted me twice in my life. It was heartbreaking when he moved out, but more so when he finally became one of those independent teenagers who want to hang with friends and date more than entertain their little sisters who just want to battle Barbie against Godzilla and make funny little James Bond homemade movies some more. But anyway.
I never see my dad on holidays because me and my brother (we still are very close as far as siblings go. he's more like a friend than a family member to me although he's in his 3rd year of college and lives with my dad) but I usually see him on the following Saturday. He didn't call this Saturday to pick me up. He didn't call all day. He never texted me or say anything until the night before when we called to leave a "Merry Christmas baby and I'll see you tomorrow, huh? All right, bye. Just called to say Merry Christmas." message in which I forgot to call back. And by "baby" he means like small-child baby, not "how YOU doin' baby?" kind of baby. That would be very awkward. But he hasn't called me baby in a while and says every once in a while that I'm a teenager now and I know what I want, so what do I want to eat/do/see today?
I am kind of sad that he didn't call, but at the same time, I mostly feel numb about it. It's almost the norm to just not see him for another day. Inside me heart, yeah I'm kind of mad. But hey, I'm okay right now.
Overall? My Christmas was half really awesome and half full of major suckage.
And now for the the hangout day with the guy mentioned above, I'm just going to call him Barney because he loves the color purple, and my friend I'll call SweetTart because she is very small and cute looking and sweet at first, but also a little crazy at times and we say that she's high but we really mean she gets a SUGAR high when she has candy or sweets. Note that ST has broken Barney's heart before when he asked her out but she rejected him. We all have Drama class together, so H-e-l-l(-o) awkwardness for a week. Now they're cool with one another.
I don't understand people. Then again, I rejected one super geeky guy this year-who won't stop trying to add me on Facebook and that freaks me out a little so I refuse to add him as a friend- and a stalker I had. No I don't mean seriously stalking me! Well, kinda. Like, high school clinginess and following around school and popping up randomly to chat and randomly finding him on the bus I take and him trying to make me hug him back with his hug in the halls at school. But hey, he's long gone now. Buh-bye stalker.
The hangout with me, Barney, and SweetTart was today btw. And Btw #2, EXBFF was gonna come with us today but as we waited for the bus to go to the bowling place, she had what she called a terrible headache including the undeniable urge to hurl. "Headache+Hurling=Bad for Bowling" is what we figured.
Basically, the day was a drag. I was an hour late meeting B and ST and naturally they weren't all that happy but I think that they just wanted to see me more than each other. That's what it seemed like anyway. But I don't want to get all conceited all up in my head so I'll pretend that they all wanted to see everyone equally. Something else weird happened with Barney today. I just can't put my finger on why it surprised me so much though...this whole high school thing is a trip. In some ways I've flipped a whole 180 from last year. Or 360? 380? A lot different in a whole bunch of ways is what I'm trying to say.
So. Me and B and ST meet up at the park/bowling/ice skating center and the two of them decide that they suck at bowling and don't want to bowl anymore. So we walk back to the mall-which I just took the bus from!-and grab some food. We walk a full circle in the food court and end up at some kind of hamburger and french fry place. I'm waiting for Barney to finish ordering, but he calls me and ST over and asks what we want. I'm kind of confused since it's not my time to order yet, but I end up saying that I want a small thing of french fries with nacho sauce and bacon bits while he takes out a 20 dollar bill.
I still don't know why I'm so skinny when I eat so much. In my heart I'm a fatty, but since the weight isn't piling up on me yet, I'm going to have to eat overtime. I'm trying to gain a few extra pounds, I'm too skinny!
I'm shocked. "NO, wait I can pay for myself!" I tell him. But he says that he wants to and I let him. I don't like people paying for me though. I feel like I'm indebted to them and it's not a good feeling.
This summer? That cool guy friend that's in the teen leadership program with me would always share his food with me and pay for me when we went places. He's pretty good looking, funny, and incredibly generous. Not always an angel (I don't like guys that nice anyway!) but definitely not a bully either. He goes to school with almost all the other kids in the program. I almost wish I went to that high school. Really. I love all those people and I want to see this guy more. Why do guys always wanna pay for me though? I have money! I did like this summer guy for a little while actually. Well...maybe I liked him as a really good friend, but for some reason I never felt in me that I REALLY had a crush on him. He seems so perfectly imperfect in all the right spots though. Everything I look for in a guy. Seriously.
While waiting for our order (ST is sitting at the table we picked out and she's texting while me and B are waiting at the counter for our food) me and B start talking. One reason I like talking to him is because I feel like he's really listening, or at least, that he won't pass judgments on me because so far he hasn't. I started talking about how I'm so busy with going out my house and doing things all the time, like with the teen leadership program working with preschoolers and stuff, and a couple friends I'm hanging out with.
Then he looks straight at me with his honey colored eyes and says almost like he's just discovered something that he's a little envious of, "You're popular, huh?" He's half smiling and half wincing as he says this. I can tell by the look on his face.
I really did not expect to be asked this. At all.
To prevent any awkwardness or talk of popularity, I said quickly with a smile on my face like I didn't think of it at all, "Nah, I'm just busy." I couldn't quite look at him when I said that. Actually, I think I looked down. It was embarrassing. Though I think that I saw a look on his face that resembled a knowing smile with a little wince in it. A smile that I interpreted on his part as That's exactly what a popular girl would say. I know you're playing coy with me. You know that you're popular, I know that you're just trying to save face and not hurt me in some way. You're just trying to be nice. We both know it. Then I said something about the food taking a long time. I desperately needed to change the subject. The rest of the day he wasn't quite as nice to me. Not mean in any way, but I almost felt like he was avoiding me a tiny bit. He looked at me a bunch of times, but didn't say anything.
Popular? I think the thought was swarming through both our minds for a while.
I'm confused think about it now. Did I really become one of the really popular kids in high school? No way. Right? I was semi-popular in middle school. Kind of where Barney is now.
I get some feeling...that he doesn't like me as much anymore..like he's intimidated by me almost. I feel like he thinks of me differently now. At the mall I was kind of bored because there isn't much to do but shop in a mall and so I started texting people. I said I was bored at one point and said it out loud and I can't believe what he told me. He said, "You're boring, that's why," a little meanly and he looked at me hard with his honey colored eyes. I think he wanted to be mean to me after he thought that he "discovered" that I'm actually pretty social. After he said that, I told him that I wasn't boring, but simply bored. SweetTart agreed with me and I told her we should skip around the mall together and we did. How's that for boring? I thought. Then he said, "very odd," like he usually does when I do something spontaneous and slightly spastic like skipping around the mall wearing my fuzzy suede boots my mom let me buy yesterday. I told him "yes you are."
When we eventually grew tired of the mall and went back to the park recreation place with the bowling alley and ice skating rink, and we went on the play structures that were around there. We played monkey in the middle (unintentionally of course. Spontaneity is a great trait I think, and essential in what I look for in a guy. sadly enough, it's hard to find a guy willing to be spontaneous with you) with Barney's hat and then he wanted to play catch with my wallet. He got it dirty with dirt and grass stains though. I'm kind of mad about that. Okay, really irritated.
The park was about the highlight of the day, although it wasn't mad fun or anything.
I felt like he had something against me after eating lunch at the mall, now that I think about it. I'm not even that popular though. That's all I can think now.
First he compliments me, pays for me, hugs me, talks to me all the time. Then, he tries to avoid me, insults me, stares at me. I don't understand.
When we're at the park near the end of the day, me and ST lay on the rubber floor of the outside playground and stare into the sky, staring at clouds. We found a butterfly, car, firetruck, lots of stuff. Barney, however, sat next to ST and kept staring at me.
Also...I know all guys are perverted and stuff, but I saw B trying to test his luck with me and ST today even though I don't think ST noticed it. I have an older bro, so I get it dude. That's where I get my chill guy side that doesn't gossip about girls, wears beanies, and sits with her legs open on accident all the time.
How'd I know what he was doing? Well.
o I saw him put his hand on ST's upper leg gently and talk to me at the same time and I saw him look at his hand real quick and smile a little to himself. I felt like Oh gosh...what's he trying to pull?
o He always tries to playfully tickle me, but I saw his jabbing at me in not-so-appropriate spots today. Like:
- The side of my boob. OBVIOUSLY, that's not cool to do and not a tickling spot for friends.
- Also, the inside of my upper thigh. I literally had to giggle because of how insanely ticklish I am, but then I pushed him to the side.
I mean, what? I get some eerie feeling that he thinks now that I'm some slutty/easy/whoreish popular chick, and I'm not that at all. When I walked to the bus stop, I walked really slowly and thought about everything for a while. Just took it all in. It really upset me that he assumed I was popular, but I don't know why still. I think it was because he started to treat me different? Or maybe that's just my mind playing tricks on me...I feel bad. Not the guilty kind, not the naughty kind, and not the let's-go-rob-a-bank-kind of bad. The kind where you want to take a long bubble bath, eat a carton of Ben&Jerry's, then watch romantic movies where the girl either falls for the guy or gets heartbroken (sometimes both). 1/3 ain't bad. My bubble bath was nice. I used a bath bomb and now I feel moisturized. YAY. NOW I'M HAPPY.
Anyway. That's been my life in a nushell. Boy...I got some problems right now.
I'll keep you updated like a geek and his addiction to Twittering every time he does something he classifies as cool.
-That Girl, "OH-MY-GOD-WHAT'S-WRONG-WITH- MY-LIFE"ing.
Oh wait, I forgot to put my usual stuff. The Song of the day and mood and stuff.
Here it is...
Song(s) of the Day: The Veronicas' and Weezer's stuff. They're my latest music obsession. But also, FUN. sings Walking the Dog and I really like it. Youtube it, FUN. is the shizz this year when it comes to pop to my current knowledge. And yes, I have been updating my music knowledge today by listening to a bunch of cool underground stuff. The Veronica's are sickkk man, check out 4ver, it's been one of my favorite songs for a while but I never knew who sang it! And Weezer's music video called Troublemaker is appealing to my tastes right now. Adding in a little Top 40's while I'm at it, I'll add Someday by Rob Thomas. Owl City's The Bird and the Worm has been my fave for a while too. Lotta underground, pop/indie rock/punk rock stuff. Ironic yet cheerful. Yeah, that's cool.
OH, and Fifteen by Taylor Swift because I've been listening to that one since it first came out and now other people are starting to dig it too I guess.
Quote(s) of the Day:
If I stand here, I can see the Little Red Haired girl when she comes out of her house... Of course, if she sees me peeking around this tree, she'll think I'm the dumbest person in the world... But if I don't peek around the tree, I'll never see her... Which means I probably AM the dumbest person in the world... which explains why I'm standing in a batch of poison oak.
by Charlie Brown of course.
Mood(s): Bad. Just Bad. But I'm feeling a little happy dishing on my blog about my totally screwy life "ironic smiley face"