Sunday, March 7, 2010

Birthday is today. Openended post that I'll finish later!!

Dear Diary,

Have you ever had the feeling when everything is more-or-less exactly how you always wanted it, and how you might have always wished, but you just don't feel happy?
I mean.
I have the friends and the popularity level I've always wanted. I'm only a freakin' freshman and I have a reputation of being cool with everyone I know, and people actually have respect for that. People respect and like me. Yeah I kind of feel like one of those fake-ass beauty pageant queens who go, "They like me? They likeme. They really do!" Except that you KNOW that girl was always well liked. I was always decently liked, but not to the point when people that I don't even know, know me. Or rather, they just know my name.
I never could understand what the hype of popularity is about. I've been there done that. Being one of the most popular girls in school is 3 different things:
And really really hard work.
You always have to watch what you say, how you dress, and compete with others to keep your rank. Falling down the social chain is 10 times easier than staying in a current position. Rising is easy. Falling is easy. Staying risen? Hard work, babe.
Anyway. So what I was saying is that I have the friends. The clothes. My family is decent even though my parents are divorced, I only see my dad once a week or once every 2 or 3 weeks, I only see my brother once a week since he goes to college and lives with my dad, I recently just moved to the 2nd house my mom, (Actually, I forgot to mention this really important life-changing event, Diary, so sorry 'bout that. I now live with my mom and rabbit and fish in a different house. I used to live in the most beautiful, clean, and healthy environment, and now my neighborhood is very...middle class. I was always slightly above middle class. And I liked that very much. ) and I have the decent looks and brains.
I have guys who would go out with me if I asked them. I have guy friends.
But what I don't have?
Not boy friends, I have those; I have no boyfriend.
But that's not really what I'm upset about. Btw, my birthday is on Sunday and for no particular reason I'm not all that pumped up about it this year. I always had the best parties but I'd (truthfully?) rather sleep in and eat some Ben&Jerry's in bed, find re-runs of the Tyra Show, Fresh Prince of Bel air, George Lopez, Made, and Millionaire Matchmaker to lay in bed with and watch.
Now that's perfection.
But. I'm having a party this year, but it's much more low-key then all my last ones put together. Also, it's with ExBestFriend and other people in that group of friends. And no they aren't the popular kids, who I could have a party with, but they are the chill laid-back and slightly dorky friends I have. No wait, not dorky. And not geeky and definitely not nerdy. More like... gooberish. And that's cool.
Would you rather hang with fake wannabes and party princesses who outshine you on your birthday or goober friends who act exactly how they want to and don't care who they embarrass in the process?
I chose the goobers this year, although I'm planning on having some kind of cool bonfire-esque type of thing later which I'll call my belated 15th birthday.
Oh wanna know a big whammy? My 16th birthday next year will be featured on the most depressing day of the week: Monday.
And here's a random fact for you, the majority of suicides happen on a Monday.
Just so you know.

I am close to giving up hope that CCAN and me will ever be more then maybe telling our friends, "Yeah, that guy/girl that sits next to me in P. E. seems pretty cool."
And yeah, usually I would start out my new blog post with some interesting and comical quip that catches your attention, but I just don't feel like it today. I'm not in the mood.
Btw. I just found out that the TAB button works on this laptop.
Can you say "shocker"?
I just thought that I'd share with you how my day went and why I'm shaking things up a little. Starting Monday I'm going to be working on a plan. A plan in which I am devising today and this weekend. And tomorrow too, but I'll be devising it, not taking action on my plan tomorrow or the weekend, mind you.

So today.
Today I had P. E. like usual and like usual we sat out in rows to take attendance in the gym.
OH OH OH. I've been meaning to talk about yesterday and the day before.
The day before yesterday in gym CCAN was there before me waiting for the teacher to come over and take attendance. Remember that there was a quiet guy he helped to get up a couple days ago? Well, I saw CCAN sitting next to him and just chillin' there. Yeah, CCAN's other friends were there-his cool friends-but he didn't sit next to them. He kept the company of a very uncool guy.
CCAN is so nice, it's crazy. He's so perfect, it's crazy. I like him so much, it's crazy. Good crazy, of course. Note that the uncool guy sits directly in front of me and I always sit next to my good ol pal before the teacher comes over to take roll everyday. So that means I sat next to CCAN sorta for a little while.
And later? Our class finished running and joggin' around the gym and when we stopped we had to come back into our roll call assigned seats to stretch. And CCAN walked over to our class spots and stopped abruptly on number 32 out of our all of our class numbers.
That's my number.
He just stood there for a second until I came over and squeezed in the small space between him and the guy on the other side of me. I'm actually really good at pretending to look really calm and nonchalant when I'm freakin' out on the inside! I had a smile on my face and only gave him a slight glance.
Diary, I think I've mentioned this before, but I'll say it again.
I can be. A very big flirt.
When I see a decent looking guy I instantly go into flirt mode without even thinking about it. I don't play the dumb card but I laugh a ton, flip my hair often, be very playful, and I make some excuse to slightly have body contact
like just tapping their shoulder, putting my foot up against them to measure size, or sometimes I just make a bunch of eye contact. I smile a whole lot and talk very articulately too, but not in a weird preppy way.
But anyway, so then he just walks back over to his roll call number and sits down normally. What was the point of this? I have no idea.
And the day after this? I am walking with my friend who I believe I call Veronica, and while I walk over to sit down with her until the teacher comes over, me and CCAN look at each other. We look eyes for at least 5 second which is basically forever when you lock eyes with somebody you don't know that well.
The weird thing was that it wasn't actually very awkward, and it wasn't overly flirty and ambitious either. Just a friendly locked-eye-contact-moment.
He looked a little intrigued. And I think I looked like it too. Because I was. Because he's so great and cute and funny even though he probably thinks that because he's not the leader of his cool guy group that I would like someone more powerful than him.
But no. Girls don't always notice him, but I do.
I sure do.

And because I like him so much I looked up how to get him.

AH DIARY my BIRTHDAY is today and I have no time to blog because I must leave in about 50 minutes and still take a shower and dress and do my makeup in this time.
I din't want my friends snooping around my computer and finding this blog, so I'm going to leave this post open ended and post the rest later!

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