Sunday, April 8, 2012

Commitmentphobitis Repercussions

Did you know that penguins find only one mate to stay with for their whole lifetime?

Dear Diary, (3:00 Pm, 4/8/12)

It's been a while, huh? Well, life is tough and I'm just tryin' keep from getting knocked down too hard every month.

The thing I've realized about myself is that I harbor a massive underlying fear of commitment when it comes to guys. I mean, I just freak the fuck out when me and a guy start getting too close to each other. I guess life has just taught me that good things don't last for long and I know too well that the drop from everything-is-going-so-great-I-wish-these-days-would-last-forever-life-is-gooood crashing down to the nothing-is-working-out-I-want-ben&jerrys-right-now phase.

So, I have this continuous tendency to push guys away when things are going too good. It's always when they're starting to take an increased interest into my life, or the moment I get that oh too familiar pang in my heart that lets me know about my capacity to have my heart crushed by another individual. If you go through that whole "follow your heart" shit, you usually end up looking like the biggest fool. I mean, you've seen that scene in Bad Teacher where the kid admits his feelings for his little crush right? It's the same the when you get older, except that instead of saying, "I like you so much and your pretty hair!" you end up saying, "Are you free tomorrow night? We could go see a movie." I've never been rejected before, but I'm positive that the sting of it affects people young and old the same way.
In any circumstance, "liking" somebody close to you holds a lot of risk in itself, but taking action after that? Scariest thing EVAAAR. I always imagine a long awkward pause between me and guys that I start to get to know. You know that awkward pause that says,
"I have nothing to say to you. Sorry."
Or OHH OHH, you know the awkward smile? You must be aware of how the awkward smile looks. It's the awkward smile that is wide with no teeth showing accompanied by slightly raised eyebrows to show recognition of the other person. There's no words and a quick look down to the floor or the opposite direction right after. It's the look that my ex gives me and the look I get from all the other guys who I used to "talk" to. I mean come'onnn I'd rather get a high five to show that we're cool with each other or a head nod...the middle finger would even be a nice change of pace. The Awkward Smile is like a little wrench in my heart.
I loathe that pain in the heart I get from guys. That pain in my chest and rapid heart beat I feel when I think about the good times I used to have with somebody, but that good time that I'll never, EVER, have again. Like, with my ex. I know I'd never date him again, but if I were to think long and hard enough about the good memories we've had together that my young self will never experience again, I could probably make myself sad. But that's stupid. Who would do that to themself? BAD IDEA.

Thinking about all the heartbreak and letdowns I've experienced in my love life has resulted in this Commitmentphobitis that I have been challenged with lately. I've been getting awfully close with my friend. I'll call him Andrew for the sake of being anonymous on this blog all these years. We've made out a few times and all that sin-y stuff. Never had sex, mind you. And we used to always joke around about calling each other "babe" and "baby" and all that stuff just for fun. But after you share enough romantic moments with somebody you talk to everyday, talk on the phone most nights about how your day went and any drama you gets you thinking. It gets you thinking about why it isn't an official kind of relationship. There's the strong emotional connection and strong physical connection, and you guys are so comfortable when you hang it's basically dating somebody for a long time and calling them your friend.
There's a ton of things that I don't really like about him. That he doesn't know how to let go of his inhibitions and be goofy in public, he might get embarrassed. I don't like that. I want a guy with a very wide sense of humor. There's the fact that I don't like his hair, it's kinda weird. I don't like his shoes, they're ugly as hell. I don't really like how he dresses at all to be honest with you. So am I shallow for thinking this way? Well no, I'm not saying that it's the material things about him that are preventing me from truly liking him. I just don't really like that stuff about him. He's a really comforting guy though. I can really be myself around him and laugh loudly at my own jokes and not care what he thinks about me since we are friends. And he's really fun to make out with. Just saying.
But there's also the fact being that he's a bit of a wimp. He wouldn't stand his ground if a guy was messing with him. He'd apologize and back up. That's not attractive. I'm a small girl, so I'd actually prefer to be with a tougher kind of guy. Feminists come at me, but I'd just feel safer with a guy who could defend me if there came I time when I needed it. Emotional support is cool too, don't get me wrong, but I'd like the tough guy to be there for me.
Here we go with Stage 3 of Commitmentphobitis: finding reasons to push the guy away.

Wooooooo, it feels nice to get all that out. Lazy post day.
I can't believe I'm 17 already. I'll be an adult soon.
Better use my teenage time wisely.

-That Girl, lost in translation.

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