Prom is supposed to be a happy time for everybody. Well, maybe a bittersweet time. After all, it's the major event of your teenage years and the emphasis on having a "prom date" is at large. But if you're single, it sucks. I'm still a junior, but I really just wish I had somebody special to go to prom with. For my junior prom this year, I've finally come to the realization that I am COMPLETELY out of prospects for a date. I have guy friends who would have probably agreed to go with me, except that they all have their own love lives to get on with. Yeah, I like giving them advice and suggestions on how to get their girls, but at some point you start to get the feeling like you yourself does not especially matter to anyone. It's a strange thing, but lately I've given a ton of thought to the guys who I used to talk to, who used to like me as a close friend or more. I've been thinking about what went wrong and if they ever miss my company.
It kinda hurts actually, to think that everybody eventually moves on past me. I have these weird walls up that tend to pop up when a person starts getting too close to me. I block them from my life, drift away to see if I'll be pulled in, or cancel plans to see if they'll reschedule. The thing is though, that nobody wants to keep pulling. Nobody wants to feel like they're being played and jerked around with. At some point, they stop pulling because they think that you don't want to be pulled at all. I don't have a hurting heart at the moment, but I feel a heaviness that won't quite lift. I've wished on so many occasions in my life to go back a year or two and change the way everything plays out for me. I'm not all that content with where I've ended up at in my life and the way that I've treated others. It's strange, because I believe that it's more common in guys, but I think that I have a fear of intimacy. Well, that or the commitmentphobitis that I mentioned in a previous post.
I can't help feeling as though I keep on burning one bridge to another, and leave myself dangling on a cliff so often.
And then there's that one guy that I can't get over. The guy I went to the junior prom with last year. My friends are sick of me talking about him, I know this for a fact. But he's just incredible. A tad dorky, but still very "cool". Intelligent and cute, he's got such a kind heart and a sense of humor that matches my own. How do you get over somebody who you can find no error in?
I'm sure he got over me monthsss ago, though. But something in the back of my head says, "It could work if you try again." It was different when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up two years ago, I knew I'd get over him because there were many personality characteristics I didn't like in him and I wasn't really attracted to him very much. But this other guy...oh maaaan he's so cute. Everything about him is just great. I don't think he knows that I still have feelings for him in the pit of my heart, but I just don't have the gusto and courage to admit what I feel. I asked him to be my friend just a few months ago for heaven's sake!
But when it comes down to it, he's the only guy I'd want to go to prom with. He's not one of those guys who just wanna grind all up on a girl or see her in a tight dress, he's got class and perspective on the world. He's well-traveled and INTERESTING. That's a rare thing nowadays with the majority of the population wanting nothing but to think the same way as everybody else. Everyone else is boring. He's...different. It's torture to hold myself in this situation instead of making that dive, but I'm too scared to be hurt more than the hurt I feel leaving myself stuck like this.
My once "friends with benefits"-ish friend is starting to drift away a bit, and I think it's because he thought I felt more towards him than I did. But I do feel something there. There was potential for a future relationship, but how can I be with one guy that I kind of have feelings for when there's another guy who I'm completely infatuated with?
-That Girl, foot in my mouth, shooting myself in the foot, and whatever other metaphor revolving around a "foot" of mine.
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