Dear Diary, (2:00 AM, 6/20/12)
I have so many emotions and thoughts running through me right now that there is no way I could possibly fall asleep in the next hour or two. My stomach hurts and so does my throat, and I can't get over the pain in the pit of my heart. The stomach pain is from my random cravings and sudden hunger of junk food. My throat hurts from my continuous blabbing of stupid shit today. My heart hurts from being pulled in all these different directions, stemming from my incapability to make a clear cut decision and stick with it.
And I'm not even PMS-ing. What is going on?
I don't even know where to start.
Here's the quick run-down/rub-down/reply of recent events:
The Main Event:
I talk to the aforementioned friend with benefits ("Andrew") every single day now. I have no idea what he thinks about me and it's finally starting to eat me up inside. It's really difficult to comprehend what is going on with me and him. There's all the signs that he's into me, and there's all the signs telling me that I'm seeing something there that's not even real. He always asks me what it means if somebody kisses me, and after I go like, "Uh, I don't know...", he says, "It means the guy likes you." But of course, I've been avoiding The Talk. The Talk about what our relationship status is. I would hate to date one of my best friends, end up breaking up and hating each other, and never talk to them again. It would really break my heart. Is it better to wait out on something that could very well be a great thing for a short while so that you may keep the good thing you have going for...forever? I'd like to keep him in my life for moral support and all that good shit. If we date, it would never be the same between us. But the thing is, I don't know if I should be dating other guys and still keep talking to him every night like I've been doing. We talk every single day on the phone, ever since my summer started. It's him calling me, too. I really admire the way he cares about how my day is going, what I'm up to, and the advice on problems I encounter on a daily basis. He's someone I can share the small stuff with. And that's what I want in a relationship. So what's the point in ruining this whole thing by putting a label on it? WELL, FRIEND, I'm rambling right now, but I'l go ahead and tell you what the point is right now! If we decide to actually go ahead and label this a real-ass relationship with the "babe" and "baby" names we call each other converting into pet names with actual meaning behind them, I won't be confused anymore. And how great would that be! I don't want to be confused anymore.
That's the point, buddy. That's the point. I absolutely hate not knowing what my relationship with somebody means. I hate the "talking" / "dating" phase of human interactions. My best friend thinks that the part before it all becomes official is the best part because it's exciting. But honestly? I think the real relationship is the exciting part. That's the part when you can start being yourself with a person and let your guard down. My guard is pretty much up until the relationship status is clear. After all, I don't want to let somebody in as my everything (Or as rachet girls like to say, "Errythaaang.") if I don't even know if they are going to meet somebody new and walk away with no strings attached. I suppose I have an insecurity of being left behind for something better and compensate by not letting anybody catch up with me in the first place. Letting somebody in my life is the scariest thing in the world. Or putting somebody into my daily routine? That's scary enough as is. If they leave suddenly, I'd be sad. I don't want to be sad, either.
I saw his Facebook status as something like, "I wish I could read your thoughts so I wouldn't be left in doubt and disarray. I really want to know, but I'm afraid." What. The. Fuck.
I don't want to be sad and I don't want to be confused anymore. Is this what always happens when a best friend changes into a best friend with benefits?
The Half-Time Event:
I hung out with the aforementioned (okay, so maybe he hasn't really been mentioned in the past few months or so) Light Bright Barney, standing for "Light Bright Barney" due to his colorful attire and favorite color of purple. He does dress pretty good for wearing such bright colors though. He likes wearing those fitted caps with team names on them, Nikes, Vans, or Jordans, and a fitted outfit of something like a v-neck and Levi's.
He's a baseball player, which I must admit is a little bit attractive. A bit, a bit.
The weird thing was though...
Okay, I'm honestly too mentally exhausted to break down the Half-Time Event right now. So, I'll just say that I'll finish this post the next time I feel up to it enough.
-That Girl, isn't summer marvelous.