Sunday, August 5, 2012

Heartbroken: Getting Played Edition.

Dear Diary,

I'm starting to go crazy here from my weird "friend with benefits"-ish relationship with Andrew. The thing is, everything was fuckin' fine and dandy before I starting catching feelings for the dumb kid.
I hate him for kissing me for the first time when we had a perfectly amazing guy-girl close friendship dynamic going during the school year. I hate that he kissed me and that he kisses me every time we hangout with each other. I hate that he acts like we're just buddies in public after he acts like we had something when we were by ourselves. I hate that he'll hold my hand when nobody is watching. I hate him for making me feel special without saying any cheesy words. I hate him for being a player.
I hate him for not attempting to commit to a real relationship with me. I hate that he has never asked me to define what's going on. I hate him for seducing me into sleeping with him. I hate that he's probably messing around with another girl now.
I hate that he's so kind to me.

I hate that Facebook lets the world know when somebody had a good day or a personal thought about life. I hate that two days after I slept with Andrew his status said that he had an amazing day. The day we did something so significant and meaningful wasn't as great as his Friday afternoon, apparently. Apparently, his friend likes to joke that he doesn't need to make a new status every time Andrew gets with a girl.
Apparently, he got with another girl (who fucking was not me) two fucking days after we had sex for the first time. There's really nothing else that the status + the comment by his friend could mean.
He doesn't care. I thought that we had something real and that he actually did care about me. We've known each other for two years, the past year we have talked on the phone for about an hour every night. He calls me when he walks home. He calls me after school lets out and he feels like talking. He used to call me whenever he had a really good day and just wanted to share it with somebody. He would call me when he's about to go to sleep and talk to me for an hour until he just fell asleep with me on the line. When I went to Hawaii for 3 nights, we still talked at night. Then we didn't talk one night. The next night we talked for three and a half hours.
Apparently, however, it all means nothing to him. I have yet to ask him if he has really hooked up with another girl that day, but it's been all I can think about the past day and two nights.
Apparently, whoever that girl was had something better with him than what I had with him.
That's really fucked up. So what am I to him now, a fuck buddy? I fucking refuse that label and girls with self respect should not accept that. Friends with benefits was pushing the line for me, but I cannot be any boy's fuck buddy.
If that's all I am to him, why does he ask me to hang out with his friends? Why does he ask me to his family outings?
What does this boy want from me? I hate him. I hate him so much for doing this to me. I hate him for seeming like he cared about me all this time when he obviously did not mean it. Anybody who cares deeply for one person would not be "getting with" anybody else, one right after the other. The fuck do I seem like? I am not the most innocent girl ever, that's true, but I don't do this whole thing with just anybody. I trusted him. As my friend and as more than that, I trusted that he would be more careful with my feelings and emotions towards what we were doing.
This is why I don't trust guys. This is why I hate relationships and why it takes such a long time for me to let my guard down with guys. This is why I'd rather stay friends and joke about things that are on the surface and never scratch that surface.
It's not even that he got with another girl that bothers me; that's not it at all. What bothers me is that he didn't have the consideration of my feelings to tell me that he's interested in another girl who isn't me. It makes me feel like he cheated on me or some shit. I know that we aren't in a real relationships and I'm not a clingy, possessive type of girl, but don't I matter to him enough for an explanation?  Don't I deserve to know if he is getting all physical with somebody else? I told him about the guy I went on a few dates with the past month. I pretty much told him everything about that guy, and he nudged me to stop seeing him if I wasn't really that into him. And so, I broke it off with that guy. Partially for Andrew. For his feelings and to see if maybe something more could develop between us.
I guess what bothers me the most is that I don't really matter. What bothers me is that he would drop what we had to be with another girl and keep me around for emotional support. Either that, or he would think that it's fine and fuckin' dandy to see another girl while having a thing with me still. Am I, myself, not enough for him then?
If he really did get with another girl right after me, I'll be so much more upset than I am right now.
Right now I'm just angry. I am so mad at him. Why would he do this to me? How could he?
Knowing my history, he should know to be a little bit more sensitive to me. I thought he understood me, but it looks like I was completely wrong.

Once a player = always a player? I fucking guess so.

-That Girl,  just got home from angrily walking my pug around the block.

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