Thursday, May 16, 2013

A Vegetable Cheese Steak in One Hand and a Sock in Another: Tragedy from Across the Street, Infatuation, and Half-Assed Fail of a Prom Invitation

Dear Diary,

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I'm so sick of high school. I mean, I feel like I'm stuck in all sorts of senseless drama all of the time and it's not even drama that I'm interested in. Like, I'm drawn towards doing pointless things that stress me out because I think that it'll make me happy when all I really wanna do is stay at home, eat some warm fluffy type of desert AND read a book, instead of trying to prove to myself and everybody else how awesome I am. I don't want to be awesome anymore, I just want to chill out with my dog and stop wearing makeup, go to college and have intelligent conversations with peers who care about more than these stupid relationships that everybody is obsessed with at this age. Can't we just be single and happy? I'm enough for myself, why can't my friends be enough for themselves too, darn it?!

Here's a short post of the day:

If you really like someone, like LIKE them with a mad infatuation, but it's someone that you dated before and didn't care much for at the should not keep this infatuation going. Seriously, END THIS MADNESS. I dated this one guy for a while and he was honestly really attractive, but while we were dating I didn't actually care about him in a serious-relationship type of way. I liked him and thought he was super fun, but I never had those intense butterflies or serious talks about the depths of my heart with him. And I didn't even start thinking about how much I liked him until after we stopped talking! That's the thing about a lot of girls, sometimes we just want what we can't have. And it's not the actual thing that we grasp for that is so appealing, it's the fact that we desire it that makes us keep reaching out. So, I was somewhat sad for a while that it didn't work out with him because on paper he was everything that a red-blooded male should be, tall, tan, intelligent, kind, universal sense of humor, gets along with seriously everyone. But something was definitely missing for me. It was some kind of extra "oomph" that I didn't feel for him, it was more like I wanted him to keep chasing me, bad as that sounds. He was such a great guy, I liked that he wanted to me with me, but in hindsight, I liked that this great guy liked me more than I actually liked the great guy. There was nothing wrong with him and we shared a sense of humor, but I didn't feel completely comfortable moving forward with him for some reason or another. And I wasn't sure that he would really get me, down at my core who I was, and understand that my carefree nature was sometimes an act. Because he was intelligent, but I wasn't sure that he was deep.
Hmm...I've never really reflected about why I didn't fall head over heels for him back then, actually I only focused on why he is "perfect", though he isn't and I am not, and nobody is completely, totally right in everything that they do each hour of the day.
I would say that there's a "cool" thing that he plays, and he does it well and convincingly enough that others accept him, but I saw a little past that, which I knew he didn't like in the back of his mind.
He told me that he used to be into dorky things like Lord of the Rings and he wore these ugly glasses, was short and a bit round. I found that adorable though, and I wished that he could proudly say what he was instead of trying to convince me that he changed into this suave, athletic guy that he was. And he is that suave guy that has girls swamping him, but then I remember that the last thing that attracts me to a guy is how many girls he gets. I know that some girls like to go after the guy who girls swoon over, but I've always held a torch for the sweet guys that are obviously flawed and suck at hitting on girls, but good at homework, reading, and who can find lame Sci-Fi movies intriguing. I like lame stuff, but the only guys who like lame stuff that I know of lack a confidence that I'm also attracted to. I want someone who knows who he is, geeky or otherwise, doesn't apologize for it, can hold intelligent conversation, has a kind heart and motivation to be something in life so that I don't get distracted from my own successes, understands irony and sarcasm as it really is, and therefore has a sense of humor that is beyond surface-level funnies, and can let his walls come down so that I can be softer too. This is the kind of guy I want, and it only took me eighteen years to figure it out (I'm sure that I'll change a few things about the "guy" I want in some years' time, but for now, I know that I have an idea about what I need). And to be quite honest, this ExInfatuation guy? He doesn't fit these molds from what he's shown me. If I've learned anything about what I want physically, although I like a guy with a six-pack as much as any other girl, the guy with the six-pack is not who I want to be with. He's a guy I'd like to hookup with, sure. But the guy I'd be with long term is someone who I found relatively attractie even though other girls didn't agree, who wasn't chubby but wasn't skinny, and wanted to spend his time laying in bed watching good-quality movies with me over going to the gym to gain muscle mass. I'm not saying I want an unhealthy guy because I would want him to work out occasionally, as I do also, but I would want us to have things in common besides maintaining our physical appearances. I'm not quite as "soft" as a lot of other girls are because if I talk about cute stuff and cuddling I'd have to be really comfortable with a guy, because even if I do something physical with a boyfriend or talk to him often, there's a very small chance that I let him in emotionally. I know that emotions come first and physical parts of a relationship come second, but I haven't been totally emotionally passionate about a guy before, while I have felt some lukewarm physical interactions between guys. I saw on New Girl before, the show about the girl named Jess (well, duh she's a girl) who moves in with three guys, that this one girl couldn't have good sex because she wasn't emotionally connected to the guy she was sleeping with. For girls to have the best sex, they need to feel connected to the guy that their with, which is probably why I haven't had mind-blowing bed time before. But anyway, now I'm off track .
The point is...infatuation over old flames? Forget about it. If it's been years since you guys had a thing in the first place, chances are that you both have changed to become two completely different people, don't know anything about each other anymore, probably have different personalities, and might not even be remotely interested in what you guys once were at this point. Basically, you are strangers with a weird history together if you weren't either friends first, or best friends in your relationship.
I'm getting too sleepy to finish this post today, but I got the bulk of what was on my mind out anyways. So, I'll finish this tomorrow or whenever I get the free time!.

-That Girl, we'll always have the junior prom from three years ago, my ExInfatuation.

BTW, I strongly believe that she did not love him. ^ If she did, there's no way she would have gotten onto that plane, no matter what.

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