"I was so used to the agony and anxiety of unrequited love that I thought agony and anxiety were love. It wasn't enough for someone to make my pulse race, he had to make me sick. One boyfriend, Mr.My Filthy Home Is My Castle, actually gave me migraines; he was my hero. The pain of it all was also an antidote to the tedium, masking the most banal of connections with time-sucking, brain-freezing uncertainty. Why talk about politics or books or anything when you can talk about whether or not this is a relationship? Or why not just have sex." Cynthia Kaplan
Recently I've been having the worst debate in my mind about whether what I have with my current boyfriend leaves something left to be desired, after reflecting back on the incredibly strong feelings I had for Andrew during the last 2 years. Andrew was my best friend, my lover, and my surrogate boyfriend in times of singularity, though I wonder whether the connection I felt with him was all complete bullshit. He did tell his friends that he called me for sex, left me to be the person on the side, and made me drive him around like a chauffeur. Then again, he knew me front and back and we clicked on another level that was almost eerie-to the point where we would say something weird out loud at the same time, already know how the other person would react to hearing any news, and could stay on the phone for 4+ hours at a time before hanging out for the next two days in person.
I have such a tendency to believe rumors that other people tell me about whichever guy I'm involved with, and they're often ideas that I've already had a hunch about previously. My current boyfriend said that Andrew told his friends that he called me for sex, yet he didn't know about the all-night-long conversations we would have about literally anything. I opened myself up for Andrew in a way I haven't for anyone and it's such a weird shift to abandon him in my life to the current guy, who I don't feel that same intense connection with. Andrew drove me crazy with emotions and I practically did anything for him when he was relevant in my life, but I don't have the desire to be emotionally and physically close with my current man all the time.
My question of the day: When going from an intense, yet unhealthy and passionate relationship with one person, is there always something left to be desired in the nice guy who can't pull your strings the same way after?
-That Girl, I wish the grass didn't seem greener on the other side