I am plagued with the thought of being in a relationship with a boy who I know I do not want to spend forever with.
Our current count is: 7 months.
That being said, I wonder since this is the longest relationship I have been in since my 19 years of living, inclusive of:
-3 years of wanting a boy to fall hopelessly-madly in love with my scrawny figure and sarcastic wit I probably didn't fully understand myself in middle school;
-4 years of high school where I focused on dating guys who only wanted one thing except for ditching class with me, they wanted to ditch class too
I am developing my usual commitmentphobitis or am I actually unhappy with the person I am dating?
(commitmentphobitis defined at the post from back in the good ol' days: http://olive-okgo.blogspot.com/2012/04/commitmentphobitis-repercussions.html)
Personally, I hate dating and I hate being single just as equally. How so?
When I am single, I feel this pressure to impress other single guys so that I can feel desired while being utterly and desperately alone at the end of the day. It fills the void of being along when you feel desired by guys who want to be with you and you could always potentially call over. Even that knowing that you could, can, and have the power to call somebody to connect with though, can make one feel even lonelier because there is nobody really there at all times. I desire the feeling of having somebody to come back to always, with stability and security.
I hate dating. When I am starting to date someone, I feel like I'm a monkey showing off to potential buyers and I have no idea what their intentions are for me. There is no security in going out to dinners with guys who you barely know/aren't sure you can see yourself with in the long run.
The absolute worst thing about dating is not knowing if the person you are with is going to make you happier, more fulfilled and in love than any person you could potentially date in the future. Maybe the person you're dating is the best you're going to get and wanting more is simply selfish and stupid and silly, to be imagining a more perfect, fairytale version of passion and laughter than you have currently.
On the other hand, maybe there is something far, far better that you could never see coming and will never arrive at if you cannot get yourself out of a slump of a settled relationship that you are too scared to leave.
It is said that with change, people fear losses more than they desire good things to happen.
Doesn't that suck, but ain't that the truth!
-That Girl, overthinking or underthinking