Tuesday, February 6, 2018

LOVE!

Dear Diary,

How to explain the feeling that one has when falling in lo...

see! That's the thing, people are rational animals - always trying to EXPLAIN why things are the way that they are. People (really, I'm just talking about at least 1 person alive - and that's me) always want to give reasons for events and solve some freakin' puzzle in front of them.
But in the meantime, the present goes by unexamined at the surface! Going beneath the surface when it comes to matters of possible love are inescapable and important, but so are the little moments and the feelings that don't have a basis in those random elements that we are able to add together.
LOVE - real love - it is unselfish. It makes you leave your ego at the door and embrace the one in front of you.
Some people look all their lives for the kind of love that makes them shaken at the core for someone who truly understands and accepts them for their flaws and still thinks the entire world of them.
I've found the kinds of love that were enlightening, but not real. I've been loved for everything that I am on the surface and wasn't able to give that kind of love in return - always grasping for something deeper that makes me FEEL how life is written about in great books and musical interpretations of love. I've had a passionate love that burned me quick, immature, and unreturned. I've had an instant connection of exhilaration, excitement, and laughter that dwindled as fast as it began with my star-striken eyes forgetting its basis in values of depth and modesty.                     

I woke up one day knowing that I have the love for myself strong enough to love another, deeply, sincerely, and wow - worth it! I think the world of him, and I want to give him the world in return.
A montage of the past five months flashed through my head as I realized how much I've been holding back all along. Is he true, is this real for him? Or is he going to chase me until I'm his and evaluate whether I make next cut after I'm already head over heels for him? I've made the mistakes of letting myself fall too fast in the past, just blindly trusting that this person will care for me because I know selfless love is worth it. So I made myself use my head this time -
"Is that true?" "Really?" "What are you thinking about?" "What do you think about it? You tell me first?" "Where is home really for you?" "Are you materialistic? What motivates you?"
The swarm of questions I've asked him, and he answered with humor, intellect, and seriousness.

On our first date we tried so hard to make small talk, something we both don't like.

"Do you like yogurt?" I asked him.
"Yeah it's ok, but I'm not really a yogurt person," he said.
 "Oh okay...so do you like frozen yogurt? It's pretty good," I rebutted.
"It is pretty good...but I'm not really a - "
"yogurt person," we finished the sentence together. I cracked up.
"I didn't think that would be so funny," he says. He was the most adorable thing.
From our first date on, I've marveled about his concise and no-bullshit remarks about the world.
"I like my shadow, I think it's comforting," he told me on our first or second date. I was into it.
"Why do pets have health care, when we could use that money to give medical care to children in poverty in the streets all over the world?" He asked me once over dinner. It was an interesting idea.
"Do you think people are mostly good or bad?" I asked him on our first date. He responded by telling me how he thinks that people were made to create things and that it's something that differentiates us from animals. He talked for a long time about how humans are great because they can build things. I pointed out his tangent while laughing and he laughed too. There was an underlying understanding between us, despite us having little to none common ground to begin with. I guess he's right, people build things.

Once we talked about our different skillsets.
"You're an innovator, I'm more of a humanitarian," I told him. We were both pretty happy about this.

"I do a lot of random things, trying to help people have easier lives and writing about it," I said to him when he mentioned that in the grand scheme of humanity what I do for side projects is more significant in helping people than his projects, "and you're creating new things in the world that have never existed before...just purely out of the creativity and intellect in your mind." He felt better.
The compassion from me combined with his ability to cut through to the building blocks of anything made for some fiery discussions about how the world is run. "When we argue - it is poetic," he said once. I could not possibly agree more or look to that in amazement. It's what I've wanted, a love that is timeless and classic, raw, and bigger than ourselves.

I love him. And I want to see him smile, see the bright parts of life that I see for myself so that he can enjoy it too, encourage him to always reach his highest potential. He provides me the depth and humor I crave, patience and understanding. However, I've come to a point where I know I don't need him to be happy. I am happy, grateful, and compassionate for myself and the life I've lived, the family and friends who have helped me become the person I am today.- It is just that, he has given me for the time I've known him,  his heart. And I want to give him mine in return. My heart has been handed back to me in shards and wilting from life by others, but hey, Cupid is relentless and the unexamined life is not worth living! Love is worth the risk. It is always worth the risk when it is real.

Real luv!

-That Girl






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