Arrows of Consciousness

Dear Diary, 

Honestly, sometimes I am really tired. Mostly of just maintaining all the things to do in life around me. And I guess it seemed all easier when I was less ambitious about things, and when I dated people who simply just did stuff around me and let them carry me in ways in which I felt that I was not as capable, but I also was a lot less happy with myself. I do feel more powerful now, and I guess they say with great power comes great responsibility. For example, if you want to brand and image yourself to others and maintain a certain type of x and y and z, then that takes work of some kind. I've always felt that I'm up for and enjoy a challenge, but when literally everything seems like a choice and a challenge, then that kind of sucks. I wonder if maybe I have too much on my plate and my ego is what won't let me let go of some of those things at the moment. Do I need 2 jobs, and to study and my BA? I find myself wishing I had a higher engine or motor to accomplish things, but at the end of the day, I am a lover not a fighter and a peacemaker not a big boss woman, and I long for the ability to just stroll out to feel my freedom and leisure, savour and enjoy life. I've largely done that, some of that which I had longed for - has the nonprofit dream evaporated, do I simply have enough experience in this vector to let it go now? Or have I just begun, because in my dreams I can foresee success at a more expansive scale, and that excites me. Then again, I wonder if it is even possible, or if I'm dreaming too much. I'm grounded but I can see visions of a future that I can look forward to, I'm moved by the idea of bettering that which has already been done. Then again, is this my ego or my heart? I feel that it is my heart. And again, but how would it be possible for me to go ahead with the multiple streams of visions in my heart and apply them all together in one big life? I don't want to miss a beat, and I'm happy with that which I'm able to do. And yet, I do wonder if my intellection is taking a hit. Another side of me wants to drop that vision, and hit the ground running on the other side of things - create my passive income streams through online educational platforms that I create and write, feel free-flowing as an assistant and kill it on my exams upcoming. And is it all possible to do together? A part of me feels like it is, but when the early morning and afternoon rolls around with me doing thoughtless menial tasks in an office space, I wonder if I'm truly living right, or if I'm wasting my time when I could be improving myself at real skills like practicing my teaching abilities, building that up in my 20's instead, crafting and refining my voice, that seems helpful for future years. Do I want the heavy responsibilities, or do I want the freedoms to enjoy my youth? Can I have both? Ought I to simply live for the now, or have I seen already the consequence to free-form living in the the most recent latter years? Then again, I am a woman too. So, ought I not build my internal skills and outer beauty as the most fundamental? To pursue the intelligent and the immaterial, to live for honor, love, freedom and an expansive, deep inner world and experiences that improve the world and my own skill set in ways that cannot be quantifiable? That seems more *right* to me. And also still, I am not a young sprout exactly but 26 - and I'll be 27 in a year, so what would I have been doing for the last year if not a hell of a lot of attempts to do everything that I can? But then, will I not have enough of that for the remainder of my life, running a business perhaps, raising children, working full-time all the time, taking myself seriously as a wise person- ought I not do the fun, free, silly living things for the now before my whole life is a model to those who are younger and come after me? It's a line that I find hard-pressed to find a resolute answer to, and I might never. There will always be the *other side* about things, that we ponder about. Ought I not try my hand at the materialistic, for example, but I've been there and done that, and found nothing that I care to bring along with me, just some memories and harsh lessons about what image-conscious really means, and then ducking away for refuge in something real, hitting the ground running to find solace, grounding, centeredness, morality, ethics again, the intelligent mind, the innovation that makes the world better not worse - of course then, where does the wild side go, where is she, does she transform from the dark and dangerous to the pure and simple, with contentment or with malice, with ingenuity or with a dragging along that is habitually formed and forceful to 'keep one's head above water'? Into the forest I went to lose my mind and find a new one, and the one I have now sees arrows of directions to leap with both feet off the pavement, then hitting the pavement again - where ought I go next? Back to the forest I'd suppose, then to the light and love that God leads me to once again. 

Thanks for listening, dear ol' Diary, from streams of consciousness by moi to yours for the years of time we've spent together, I'm forevermore heart to heart with baring my soul, with wist and sobering sunlight, everyday and every time we write, we begin again - how marvelous dear Diary, just marvelous!

XOXO - That Girl 

A New Love Story

 Dear Diary, 

I'd like to tell you a story. No, this one is not about dragons and scorpions and butterflies and lillies. It's real life, not symbols found in nature, and it has to do with new beginnings. The lotus story used to sadden me. Now I see it more clearly. Life isn't about the rainbows only - or as Dolly says, you have to sit through the rain to see the rainbows. And ain't that the darn truth? According to Dr. Eger, love is letting go. Now that's something to really ponder on too. Dear Diary, I found a brand new kind of love, the truest love story, and that's the homecoming to myself - to my heart, my dearest heart. It's not about a boy. Okay, okay, knowing me there's probably a story about a boy as a chapter in the book I'm going to tell you. But it's more than that. It's the sweetest nectar I've ever tasted, the brightest jewel I've ever worn, and the shiniest, juiciest peach on the tree. And it's not what I once thought romance is, nothing like it at all. But when I look in the catalog and turn in pages, it all makes sense, and it clicks - wham - there goes, the treasure at the end of the rainbow, but it's been here all along. Stay tuned for my most favorite story told, to come. 

lemons into lemonjuice x 100000 + xoxo + hug emoji 

-That Girl  

            

 

A Morning Blog Post

 Dear Diary, 

It's That Girl again. Whew, have the years flown by - can I get an amen!? 

I've missed writing here. A reason for not posting to be honest is that it's a strange space to be in - blogging. How much should be put into the blog and how much left out? What about the really fucked up things that might happen in life - loss, trauma, heartbreak - how much of it should be romanticized and edited to present to the public, and how much is just too grimy, dark, and insidious to want to share? Seriously, how much of life ought to be flipped to the sunnyside, and exactly when is the point in which it is the ahem right time to share bad news? 

This blog had long been my happy frolicking, free-flowing, honest, sincere, yet somewhat idealized place. Building the stories of my life in direct experience, then narrating the monologue, the drama, the insights, the feelings. I just looked back at a random blog post and saw the post where I wrote about the first time I felt myself to be falling in love. Man, I'm 26 now, in just a week. I've had this blog since middle school :,) and if I'm being honest, it is probably the most coherent, honest and heartfelt collection of the stories of my life. It is an ongoing life memoir. How exciting is that? Diary, I've done quite a lot of 'inner work' in the past 2 years, uncovered some dragons that had been chasing me throughout my early 20's (also, to be honest as a teenager as well). The interesting thing about uncovering and learning how to ride the dragons of your past is that they bring you into a very illuminated, conscious point in the present moment. Things don't take you for a ride the way that they used to, which is a beautiful and delightful wash of calm that is in truth quite ecstatic once you go deep enough. But if you just touch the surface and see yourself as 'awakened', you may be in for a whole world of hurt unfortunately! I think that's where many people get stuck, into see fuck there are really many paths that I can go down right now and maybe I hadn't been on the right path but maybe I was oh shit I'm not a teenager, but then again, life is what you make it. They say as long as you keep on moving along, you'll be good to go. Eventually the life experiences stack up and you stop sucking at certain things once you've tried repeatedly out of need, to survive or otherwise. Then certain things seem boring, and other things seems miraculous. But when you dive into each thing with an openness to everything, each nuanced day could bring you a sense of pleasure and bliss. 

But I'll be honest, I've been diving nose-first (honk honk) into a bunch, one could say a myriad of experiences to heal myself, love myself, learn to respect myself, learn that I matter too. 

Funny as it is, in the past few years I've found myself looking back at some of my favorite movies, books, and shows over time and only in hindsight can I see that I deeply resonated with some characters who I only thought that I admired. But no... it's that thing where people say that when you look at art and uncover 'truth', you are really seeing about yourself being revealed, just layers of who we are as people. And it's funny too... how we tend to stereotype ourselves or others, but if we really try to use our empathy functions, we can see how at times we have related to certain ways of being that seem to 'belong' to others. Somewhat related to this topic at hand... Authenticity seems like one of the most elusive facets of being that we chase as adults... why is it not taught in schools, how to find ourselves, our real callings in life, and how to allocate our heart's truest loves in an expression outwardly into the world? And then why do we judge one another, how is it even possible that ego moves us into such drab places, when we don't need to? 

Some tangential topics I've been pondering over- 

And then we've got oh God help us - pride. I'm highly interested in this. If I am ever to reach a PhD in Philosophy (I'm a philosophy major for anybody reading this *smizes*) it would be to study pride. I'm fascinated by the topic -how ought we incorporate pride into our daily life workings? 

Dear Diary, I have felt for most of my childhood and young adult life that I'm really just a million years old... and in the body of a young person. But Diary, the pain has been really felt. To say it hasn't been is a fallacy. I'll be honest, I've read a Course in Miracles and found many treasures there - that love is the only thing that is truly real and exists - but Diary, what about the heavy grievances of what I wished could have been, or the things that I wish weren't?   Do they matter? Are they real, just fixations of the imagination gone wrong and wild? Yet - how can we say that it doesn't matter, when they affect us. 

Dear Diary, this has been my innovative 'morning pages' fix for the day, because I do miss writing here, and the notebooks of scribbles don't quite 'do' it for me, I want to publicize my thoughts and tinkerings for the most part; a life in total isolation really is no fun at all. 

Twiddle dee and twiddle dum - the days pass by but we're still here aren't we, strong and in solitude - you and me Diary, YOU and ME. :p 

cupcakes of love and light, sweet, tender and yummy, 

-That Girl 

Couldn't, Wouldn't, Shouldn't - Whateva!

Dear Diary,

I've been in torment for years.
" I Must be More of This
" I Should be More like Her
"They like it When I do This
" I'm better now"

What if there was nothing wrong with us at all, all along?
In fact, under the debris of our blood, sweat, and tears, is always that little boy or girl smiling at something that sounds cool, or smart, or nice, or what have you.

It's such a strange world that adults believe that they morph into something that is better than what they were before. More skills to apply and information to distribute, yes, neat tools that seem to influence the exterior world in waves of influence yes, practiced social behavior and speech patterns to be *elegant*, yes. And yet, children all have common humanity to them, and we'd never want to say that some are more worthy or deserving or beautiful or intelligent to their faces or behind their backs really, so why do adults to that to one another? Everyone, after all, is just people. And people are beautiful, in sorrow and past that into triumph; it's years of chisteling down our kind intentions and misinterpreting each other as threats or assumptions of another one's thoughts, which are not even who a person inherently is, it's just the editing and experiences that reflects that flex; and then all the rest, they are flexes - muscles, cars, money, beauty, fame; when you get right into it, all that people will have left at the end of the point in which you no longer speak or write is the beauty that you left behind for other people to enjoy, it's the love of humanity and the creation of more beauty in it, no matter the form that we create in - for some people, that's in writing, I do love words, for others, it's a line of code, for some it's their businesses or families with morals or sculptures, art misc, speeches, it's random acts of kindness or the construction of handmade gifts, recipes, buildings, we are what we give, and how well we create ourselves to be vessels that give, is there really anything more? Of course, there is our bliss personally too, to feel achieved! Celebration! Whole! Fulfilled! Inspired! Expressed in ~Divinity~.

Eckhart Tolle has definitely got a point - there is the power of now. ;)

- That Girl, of inspiration (just my piece of the cake, and it's delicious)

Love of Attraction

Dear Diary,

How?

Did you get it?

Thanks.

-That Girl

Grow Pains, Part __.

Dear Diary,

Growing pains are not something you hear about as a kid, and you just get a glimpse as a teenager. Friend betrays you one by not inviting you to their birthday party, or a stranger looks at your acne funny while you take the bus home after classes; the guy you really like doesn't notice you and you feel powerless or waking up every day to attend classes honestly seems like such a bummer.

And I don't mean to write this post to say that there are not life events to look forward to. Oh, most definitely not. There's ... ahem - ABUNDANCE.
Sometimes, it does feel like WTF- this is ...fuckin' life? I'm 23 now, almost 24. And I will say that some things have worked out in really, really cool ways. And it looks like the small dealings of chores and passing over immediate delights for hard choices inevitably serves your higher desire to do right by people. Each decision I've made to set myself free of the lower thoughts I've had and impulses and fuckin' do the kind thing has, in turn, paid off in the way which felt right to me. It does seem like when you get to know yourself, honor, respect, and love yourself at an age older than some other people, AKA I'm the latest bloomer I've ever met, some people in your life won't like it. The more you stand up for yourself, when you didn't before, in the kindest, most compassionate way you can, some people will not understand what that change in you is. And they don't have to. I think...if you keep striving towards that light in you...that light has personally never failed me. It's the darkness that consumes you in moments of fear, fear of disapproval, fear of standing up for what's right, fear of settling, fear of change, fear of betrayal, fear of decisiveness or of age, that's when things get testy. I suppose growing up is overcoming those fears, if we have the courage to do so. Sometimes people talk in the negative regarding change and striving towards being more grounded in your life decisions, and some people will always be there to say you're not doing things the right way. But at the end of the day, you are the only one who has to live in your own head. It might as well be a place of light.

-That Girl

Pavements

Dear Diary,

I may have been chasing pavements. The thing is - you can't really escape the past until you let it go. Acceptance, facing hard truths, scaring yourself a little in the midst of revealing the whole of your own psyche to prevent future injuries of the mental kind; it all works to move you forward. Just shoving the tough things down and running towards the easy stuff will cause a bubbling up of weird problems to resurface whenever a stress or trigger faces you mano a mano again. Life is up and life is down, and however we face the down is intensely important in achieving the purpose we seek out in our lives. Moving across the country with a new whirlwind love, away from family dramas or toxic friendships or the peers you grew up with to witness your awkward phases, it's so romantic. Let's be honest, it's awesome when people make the jump to do stuff like that. Is it cowardice or is it brave? To say goodbye to physical reminders of your past and witness an entirely new surrounding. It's something I've always wanted. My whole life through, I wanted to move away from everything I've ever known and make it for myself by my own bootstraps, away from judgements from family and able to craft an entirely new life. But then I grew up, and suddenly I find myself having great care on being present around them as they age and desire my attention. I find that they like me. But growing up, I was full of angst, confusion, cynical, sarcastic, angry. I was rebellious, pissed off, unchallenged in ways I found morally upright, judged, and felt alone. I alone decided to learn about myself, my psychology and the psychology of people around me, with helpful life advice from my older brother. He's nice to me, and has been for a lot of my life. But that doesn't mean there wasn't a period of time where he contributed to the list of unhappy-ailments that I felt growing up. In fact, he wasn't around for a lot of it. It worked out in my favor, most of it. I graduated from a top university in the world, without ever receiving a piece of advice from a father, with a mother always working and frustrated by her bipolar disorder and compassion at home, with a brother who has always sought after his own happiness and freedom through his chronic depression and avoidant personality. I did it, I sat by myself at Starbucks for hours everyday, desperate for an escape from my life, funneling everything into becoming an academic person. I would be something, regardless of what people would say, I had to or I would die in the emotional hell that I was born into at home.
I read books angrily, with fury to get it. I melted away emotions and would get it done. If it wasn't how teachers liked it, I would fix it. I'm not angry at them, I would think, I'm dying for change. 365 days of high school for four years, 365 days of community college twice over, it was hell. I prayed to God I would be a generative and generous person if I could live until adulthood. I knew that some kids had it worse, and pondered if they would like to change lives with me, for maybe they were born with the right set of skills and cognitive functions for this to be a breeze, and I could switch for them for them to have the opportunities obviously set in front of me, and I would take over their hell, war, or otherwise. There are hellholes that people report being born in, and then there is personal hell. The reach out of hell isn't for the faint of heart, or anybody really, but I'll be damned if I can't make something of myself reaching out of it towards the good that Plato idealizes and paint my life with meaning in every thought and action through existentialist beliefs.

There's nowhere out here but up,

That Girl