Dear Diary,
This post is going to be a little bit different.
It's not just a rant...
These are the
MEMOIRS OF [A SHORT ENCOUNTER OF] PUPPY LOVE
MEMOIRS OF [A SHORT ENCOUNTER OF] PUPPY LOVE
AND ITS HEARTBREAK.
Note that this post was started on 6/30/11 at 10:18PM!
Quote(s) of the day:
"Love is like a puzzle. When you're in love, all the pieces fit but when your heart gets broken, it takes a while to get everything back together." -Unknown.
"I don't want to ask you to ask me."
"You think that because you don't yell you're not mean. This is mean."
-Knocked Up.
(Actually, I'm watching this for the first time right now, on TV and when the character said these quotes, I was like yes that's exactly how I felt during the last stages of my relationship with Ex-Boyfriend. Finally, some other girl out there has had this problem.)
"It finally hit me: this kid is someone you don't want to be with anymore."
"I don't want to ask you to ask me."
"You think that because you don't yell you're not mean. This is mean."
-Knocked Up.
(Actually, I'm watching this for the first time right now, on TV and when the character said these quotes, I was like yes that's exactly how I felt during the last stages of my relationship with Ex-Boyfriend. Finally, some other girl out there has had this problem.)
"It finally hit me: this kid is someone you don't want to be with anymore."
-Sammi from the Jersey Shore.
(I never saw this show before except for one day, wherein I just saw a marathon of it. It's actually a REALLY comforting show to watch after a breakup because all these people are going through breakups and heartbreak on the show, and it gives you a perspective of how stupid a girl looks after a guy breaks her heart and she can't get over him. Kinda snaps something in your head that makes you think Oh shit, I am nooot gonna be that girl. I can get OVER him. more or less. Who knew The Jersey Shore is actually good for something.)
(I never saw this show before except for one day, wherein I just saw a marathon of it. It's actually a REALLY comforting show to watch after a breakup because all these people are going through breakups and heartbreak on the show, and it gives you a perspective of how stupid a girl looks after a guy breaks her heart and she can't get over him. Kinda snaps something in your head that makes you think Oh shit, I am nooot gonna be that girl. I can get OVER him. more or less. Who knew The Jersey Shore is actually good for something.)
My joy was skipping
Around our love
It tripped.
-Terri Guillemets
(Or at least that's how it feels the first week or two of the breakup. It feels kinda like...playing hop-scotch with the sun shining down on you as you feel so beasthop-scotchin' that chalked up sidewalk drawing like a pro, but then you suddenly trip on your shoelace with your face slammin' down hard with that box of chalk on the cold, hard concrete you drew on. Your friends all look at your bleak face and say, "We tried to warn you. Told you the chalk was a bad idea in the first place...")
Around our love
It tripped.
-Terri Guillemets
(Or at least that's how it feels the first week or two of the breakup. It feels kinda like...playing hop-scotch with the sun shining down on you as you feel so beasthop-scotchin' that chalked up sidewalk drawing like a pro, but then you suddenly trip on your shoelace with your face slammin' down hard with that box of chalk on the cold, hard concrete you drew on. Your friends all look at your bleak face and say, "We tried to warn you. Told you the chalk was a bad idea in the first place...")
Song(s) of the day:
For the "trying to think about other things beside that JERK" post-breakup me: All My Life by Foo Fighters or really anything by Foo Fighters because the angry mishmash of sounds makes me feel better for some reason.
For the "finally someone understands me!" post-breakup me: Breakeven by The Script and Pulling me Back by Chingy, for obvious reasons. The Chingy song actually brought some tears to my eyes the when I heard it 2 weeks after breakup. Songs have that weird effect on you. You can feel completely fine one minute, and break down with mixed emotions the next.
For "yeah I DON'T need him back!" post-breakup me: As If by Blaque because I love blasting this in my room with the door shut while spazzing out in my ugly flooded-pajama pants and messed-up green fuzzy sweater that makes me look like the Oscar the grouch (Hello Sesame Street garbage can!) and I feel freakin'amazing. Irreplaceable by Beyonce is also a song that actually comforts me now, not just a song I happily sing along too like before. It basically blurts out things that you try to convince yourself after a breakup, like "I could have another you in a minute. I'll have another you by tomorrow... Since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be nothing. Baby I won't shed a tear for you...the truth of the matter is replacing you is so easy." It makes you smile when you feel like frowning. Because truthfully? I catch myself frowning all the time these days. For no apparent reason.
For the "screw you!" post-breakup me: Gives you hell by The All-American Rejectsbecause I actually feel the lyrics now and shouting out the words make me feel tons better.
"Now you'll never see what you've done to me, you can take back your memories, they're no good to me..!"
Then you have: Slow it Down by Tyga and Chris Brown because for some reason, this song almost always breaks me down to that bad empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, which isn't from eating that box of Godiva chocolates stashed in the second hidden drawer on my desk. Two Piece by J-Co also gives me that feeling. There Goes My Baby just downright depresses me. It doesn't help that he used to call me "baby".
For the "It's a breakup. I feel like shit." post-breakup me: Playing Someday byNina repetitively. Note how she keeps saying "someday". Sad thing is...someday could be tomorrow or my 86th birthday. So does this song really do me any good? As long as you don't over-analyze it, I guess it's a really good song to listen to after a breakup. But I've been broken up for like 3 weeks now; almost 4, so at least I'm now at the point where I don't start choking up little sobs when I listen to songs about broken hearts, love, or breakups.
About a week or two after the breakup, I heard Deuces on the radio when my mom stepped out the car to do something for like 20 minutes. I sat in the dark moon-lit mini-van with tears streaming down my face as I tucked my head down in my lap so that people walking by wouldn't knock on the window shield and mouth, "Hey you okay?" or "Are you alright? Do you need some help? You sure?". I had guys and girls texting me, sure. But I was lonely.
Here's how I felt about the lyrics of Deuces at the time:
"No more trying to make it work."
For the "It's a breakup. I feel like shit." post-breakup me: Playing Someday byNina repetitively. Note how she keeps saying "someday". Sad thing is...someday could be tomorrow or my 86th birthday. So does this song really do me any good? As long as you don't over-analyze it, I guess it's a really good song to listen to after a breakup. But I've been broken up for like 3 weeks now; almost 4, so at least I'm now at the point where I don't start choking up little sobs when I listen to songs about broken hearts, love, or breakups.
About a week or two after the breakup, I heard Deuces on the radio when my mom stepped out the car to do something for like 20 minutes. I sat in the dark moon-lit mini-van with tears streaming down my face as I tucked my head down in my lap so that people walking by wouldn't knock on the window shield and mouth, "Hey you okay?" or "Are you alright? Do you need some help? You sure?". I had guys and girls texting me, sure. But I was lonely.
Here's how I felt about the lyrics of Deuces at the time:
"No more trying to make it work."
-I know, but I wanted it to work so bad. I thought to myself.
"I'm moving on to somethin' better"
-Oh fuck you . No, fuck me..I wish I was better. I thought.
-Oh fuck you . No, fuck me..I wish I was better. I thought.
"And all the shit I do for her? You gon' hear 'bout it."
-OKAY, fuuuuck you asshole. I thought while have one of those silent sobbing spasm-sounding moments.
-OKAY, fuuuuck you asshole. I thought while have one of those silent sobbing spasm-sounding moments.
"...there's an awkward silence..."
-I know. But we could've fixed that.. My head was spun with the visuals of memories of me and him sitting on the Muni bus by ourselves in a two-seater seat in the back of the bus during the early stages of our relationship. His arm around me as I leaned against him wearing his warm North Face Jacket he always let me wear on chilly days. Playing rock-paper-scissors over and over again to kill time with the winner getting a kiss on the cheek and we'd play and play and randomly we'd kiss the other person on the lips in pity for losing so much. Such soft lips.
Then flash to memories of me and him sitting on the Muni bus by ourselves in a two-seater seat in the back of the bus a few weeks before we broke up. Barely touching at all, just our knees knocking into eachother as the bus went over bumpy roads. His iPod playing in his ear opposite from the side I'm on. Me, looking straight out the window. Nothing to talk about. Not awkward, just empty silence on my part. Eminiem on his part. Silence on the bus between the two of us for once. No jealous glares or old people giving a loving smile like usual; like the time he fell asleep on my shoulder for a short time on the bus: I felt his warmth surrounding me with his arms around my waist; I'm in his arms, and I realize,there's no place I'd rather be but than on the smelly, noisy, badly-lit bus; withhim.
But no. Now it's just just silence.
But it's a must to have your one day where you should go all out with a typical crying-movie-type scene in your room surrounded by fuzzy blankets (don't forgot those really ugly pink fuzzy socks you got 3 Christmases ago) as your eat your feelings devouring chocolate and hopefully some ice cream (or some fattening caramel covered popcorn in my case); watching a really sad chick flick with your hair in a knotty ponytail, and crying while you clutch a pillow to your chest covered with sad regretful/angry tears. Ohoh, and we can't forget placing your phone next to you with the volume up on "high" just in case he decides to call you and tell you to look outside the window where he's standing with pebbles in his hand that he's been tossing at your window the past 14 minutes waiting with an ugly donkey the horse-rental people gave him because they ran out of the pretty ponies and so he's giving you an ass as a "I miss you! Take me back baby because when I said I loved you forever, I meant forever and a day and I didn't read this off of a Google Search and repeat this from some stupid article I read!" gift. Because of course he sincerely misses you and couldn't get you off his mind since last night, wherein he said he didn't give a shit anymore and you called him out on every single bad thing he's ever done to you with a manic-depressive tone in your voice. I think he enjoyed that thoroughly!
Yeah, that part is always nice. Better double check that the volume is on high blast, hun.
But it's a must to have your one day where you should go all out with a typical crying-movie-type scene in your room surrounded by fuzzy blankets (don't forgot those really ugly pink fuzzy socks you got 3 Christmases ago) as your eat your feelings devouring chocolate and hopefully some ice cream (or some fattening caramel covered popcorn in my case); watching a really sad chick flick with your hair in a knotty ponytail, and crying while you clutch a pillow to your chest covered with sad regretful/angry tears. Ohoh, and we can't forget placing your phone next to you with the volume up on "high" just in case he decides to call you and tell you to look outside the window where he's standing with pebbles in his hand that he's been tossing at your window the past 14 minutes waiting with an ugly donkey the horse-rental people gave him because they ran out of the pretty ponies and so he's giving you an ass as a "I miss you! Take me back baby because when I said I loved you forever, I meant forever and a day and I didn't read this off of a Google Search and repeat this from some stupid article I read!" gift. Because of course he sincerely misses you and couldn't get you off his mind since last night, wherein he said he didn't give a shit anymore and you called him out on every single bad thing he's ever done to you with a manic-depressive tone in your voice. I think he enjoyed that thoroughly!
Yeah, that part is always nice. Better double check that the volume is on high blast, hun.
Mood(s) of the day:
Better than the first week. So much better. After all, I read somewhere that for every month you were in a relationship, you need a week to get over that person. According to that rule, I need 2 and a half weeks to get over him. It's been over that time, and I firmly believe that I'm over him although the person who made up that rule is kinda a jerk. Why should someone determine how long you "should" take to get over a person? I have a friend who went out with a guy for a week and it took her 5 months to get over him. So what happens if you only date somebody for a day? Then it takes you 1/7th of a day to get over them? And dude how long did the people in The Notebook go out for? Like freakin' 2 months? And they like the rest of their life on and off with eachother but always being in love? What the eff is that shitoki mushrooms?
Go figure.
Go figure.
I'm fine, as long as you just don't make me listen to There Goes my Baby.
__
Okay, so I started this post about...over a year ago (yes, I'm not exaggerating here) but got caught up in my Mission to the Heart, previously stated in a past post. Basically, my "mission" was to find love this summer, to get my first boyfriend (more about this later), and to have no regrets regarding having the heart to follow my heart.
Now you may be wondering: how cheesy was that last sentence? And I'll tell you, it's so cheesy that the Cheeze-Its (you don't know how long I had to spend spelling-and-respelling "Cheeze-Its" in my Google search to find the right grammar for those crunchy orange squares) in my kitchen cupboard just jumped up and said, "Oh dayum that was cheesy."
Read my Mission to the Heart before you continue with the rest of this post just so you have some background information on this whole experiment. Well, what started as an experiment but turned into more. Think of Scarlet Johansson in The Nanny Diaries movie.
...
And so. This post will be entirely about flirting, first relationships, and first "love."
Yes I am 16 years old and I had my first real boyfriend at the age of 15, thanks for asking.
&Here are the upcoming topics of this post [in chronological order of my own personal experiences]
A Summer Persona
Flirtexting From The Start
Guy+Girl+Holding Hands+Movie+Offer To See Movie Next Week=WhatTheHellAreWe
Walking-To-And-Fro & The Crush Confession
The "So...bring up a topic." Woes
The "So...bring up a topic." Woes
Successful Mission To The Heart? Or was it more like a Failure to Launch?
I Want to Breakup with You, Jerk.
First Kisses and Near Misses .
[And as a added bonus]:
What's the X-Factor? Maybe I'd Rather Be Single!/Am I Settling?
FOUL; walk back to first base!
[Then: ] I Think I could Love You.
[And no point in prolonging the inevitable: ] "Is this the only reason you love me?"
And because I took too long to finish this post, I'll add these bonus topics:
"I think you used to look better." As in: You're boring me now.
The Thought That Counts.
It's just 3 words, 8 letters. Nothing more.
"If you won't do it over the phone, I will."
Getting over Him
Rebound Boy & The Legacy of a Player
Reblogging (My personal Chicken Soup for the Broken Heart)
Rebound Boy & The Legacy of a Player
Reblogging (My personal Chicken Soup for the Broken Heart)
AKA: Your average teenage relationship.
NOTE: Because I have written all these topics out of order by telling some parts of the relationship past-tense while some other are present-tense, try not to get too confused about this. Try to catch on whether it's something I wrote at the time a few months/weeks ago or if it's something going on in the present. Most of it is me telling you from my current perspective how my perspective of things were at that point in the past. Most of this is me reminiscing memories I had with this guy who is now my ex-boyfriend, and I'm basically getting the whole relationship secrets and little dramas off my chest for good. I also have a bad habit of going into a topic and starting to talk about a random memory associated with a random thought, so sorry if I get way off track with what I'm saying and sorry for the confusion, I'm confusing myself a bit too. The ending posts about the breakup often start with "Right now I'm crying..." or "Yesterday we talked on the phone" but hopefully you can catch on that I wrote that part while the breakup was currently in session, and not it's right now. For clarification: as of now I have been broken up for over a year. We went out for about 2 and a half months. Shall we begin?
___
Actually, before I go through all the topics, I thought that I would share my current thoughts about my current summer-boyfriend-life. My thoughts have changed much since the day I first met him. Here's how I ended up:
[This passage is straight from a note I took on the notepad on my new phone about 5 minutes ago.]
[[Okay, I wrote this about 7 months ago, but while I typed it here, it really was 5 minutes ago from when I thought of it; I've been getting awfully lazy with my blog posts lately. Oh my!]]
[[[Btw, I have changed my mind much about my boyfriend since writing this cell-phone-notepad-note (actually, he is now my EX-boyfriend), but I was feeling quite miserable this day in particular and thought that I'd share it with you.]]]
(Feel free to skip this part of the post, it's just me bitching and moaning some random day during the summer. Not so interesting.)
(Feel free to skip this part of the post, it's just me bitching and moaning some random day during the summer. Not so interesting.)
Diary, sometimes I feel like nobody really understands. I'm no sobstory. So what the hell am I complaining for? I have caring friends, a trying boyfriend, and a full family. Maybe my mom is right about me and I really am some spoiled brat; some spoiled bitch.
What's wrong with me? I don't understand.
For some people, everything just falls into place. For me, none of the pieces fit together at all; the corner pieces are dented and soggy, while the main picture is just soiled with distorted images. I am so unhappy, but I can't figure out why. Is it because I rarely see my dad? No. I can't blame everything wrong in my life on my slightly-absentee father. Hell, I practically see him once a week-even if he does smell like smoke-I still see him. I must be some bitch to complain about that. Yet, do I seek out outside affection and love by settling with my boyfriend (though I know in my heart of hearts that the two of us are not meant to last for reasons stated later in this post) who, unlike my father, provides constant love and support while my parents often stream out pure hatred towards, not both their children, but just towards me? What's wrong with me. I just don't understand. Some spoiled bitch I must be; soiled and soggy in thought.
...
___
A Summer Persona
(Psst, this part isn't that interesting either; you can save yourself the trouble and skip to the next topic, where I discuss the actual meeting of [Ex-]Boyfriend.)
The thing about summers, is that during the summer you can pretty much be who you want to be. It's like going from middle school to high school, going to sleep away camp, or joining some kind of dance or sport club. You don't have to be the person who people have seen you as before. I mean, the school geek from middle school can easily clean up their act with some Tweezerman Tweezers (Extra-heavy plucking duty kind), a shopping spree in stores around the mall deemed "cool" by people who seem popular to them (Although, I don't mean buying a red and blue jumpsuit, for those who find Spidey to be among the popular people), and act like the person that they want to be. It's really not so hard. Start out small, and work your way to becoming the person you want to act like.
And so. The day I met my current (and first ever) boyfriend, I made sure to dress to impress. I wasn't planning on meeting him that day, but knew that everyday (especially during the summer, when you can easily fool people into thinking that you are this ravishing person year-round) you should dress to expect your future-husband walking through the day, amazed at your amazin' beauty. Or at least know that your socks match.
Strangely enough, I can remember my exact outfit I was wearing. Not including what underwear I had on, but that's besides the point. I had on a pair of Hollister jeans (super low rise which I hate, but they looked so damn good) in a grey color, a grey v-neck from Hollister (why yes, Hollister DID have a super sale in their clearance section in the outlet store, thanks for asking), and a pink cardigan with the sleeves rolled up from American Eagle Outfitters (I was super "hip" that day). I also had on grey-ish Toms shoes which I bought because the only other pair (I wanted this other blue pair) was most likely stretched out by somebody with gigantic looking feet . Note to the wise, don't try on a size 5 shoe if you are really a 12 and a half.
But ANYWAYS. The point is that I dressed good, and acted the way I wanted to act like when I met, and also when I'm currently with, my boyfriend. He doesn't need to know I'm loud and strangely silly when I'm with my friends, or HELLA quiet and shy at other times. Although he thinks I have had experience with other guys for some unnamed reason on his part (He definitely does not need to know that I had my first boyfriend at 15. Hello throwback!).
___
Flirtexting From The Start
So the day I met my boyfriend-here on this blog I will give him the code name of Boyfriend (Just to be creative. Sarcastically speaking, natch.)-we barely talked or even looked at eachother. I was offended by this, that this guy would ignore me to this extent. When my friend introduced us one of the first things she said was, "This is my best friend That Girl, isn't she hecka cute?" He simply brushed off the question by saying, "Yeah, sure whatever," and continued texting people and talking to my friend. He never even looked at me besides a mere glance when I walked in.
Actually, when my friend and I walked in, him and his 2 other guy friends were there, looking at a cell phone and talking about something. I found out later that day that they were using mobile Facebook on that phone and looking at my Facebook profile page pictures. His friends were really cute. Or at least, one of them was. I could tell by who his friends were that he was one of those cool guys around his school.
Well, screw him. I told myself repetitively in my head on my way home that night feeling like crap for being ignored like that.
Then I got home and I logged in to Facebook like any other night. Strangely, I had a friend request from that loser who ignored me that afternoon. I accepted the request and that night I got a message on my wall that said:
(insert name of friend who introduced us) told me to say hi.
I was actually pretty offended (yet again) that he would have the nerve to tell me that he's only saying hi because my friend practically forced him to. I replied with a blunt:
Um okay, hi to you too I guess.
From there we somehow ended up chatting every night for 3 nights straight, all on Facebook wall posts. The first conversation we had lasted a little while, and I figured that when we ended this conversation we wouldn't talk anymore, but then he said something like, "well since I started this conversation, you should start the conversation tomorrow =]" and I was happily intrigued to talk to him some more. I'll admit: it was a nice surprise he wanted to keep talking to me.
Then one day he asked me to message him my phone number and we talked on Facebook private messages for a while. He asked me if I wanted to make plans with him that Sunday because he had nothing to do, and neither did I (although we both admitted later in our relationship that we both had plans preset that day and rescheduled just to hang out with eachother).
I really wasn't sure what a 6PM movie with a practical-stranger meant. Just the two of us?
Was this a date? The "d-word" was never mentioned. But if it looks like a date, sounds like a date, smells like the popcorn of a movie theater date ..
Well, when LBB asked me to hang out last year downtown on a Saturday afternoon, it seemed so much more innocent for some reason. Yes, I brought a friend just in case things got awkward. But yes, I do kind of regret not hanging out one-on-one with him. Although. Would that have turned into a date? Would we be friends if we dated and broke up after? Or would we be going out right now? And in that case..would I ever have met Boyfriend? And...
Would I Be Happier?
We texted "Good Morning" the next two mornings and "Good Night" the next two nights; we only talked through texts and talked throughout the entire days.
The two of us pretty much flirted from the get-go (me calling me "Cutie" and he calling me "Hotie" made it pretty obvious), although I didn't think it was gonna go anywhere from past flirting experiences. It was kind of confusing to be talking and flirting with him so much, when we never even talked in person.
We had seen eachother like 2 or 3 other times before, both times it was after after we started talking on Facebook but before we started texting eachother, and it was always at this thing for his school where you wake up at like 6 in the morning to sell Crispy Cream Doughnuts to raise money. I went because my best friend who goes to his school asked me to go. It was always really awkward because I only knew like 6 or 7 people there, and all of Boyfriend's friends were there who I didn't know. He basically ignored me both times, except one time he called out my name and said, "Hi" from about 10 feet away in a crowd of people and I basically looked at him, raised my eyebrows and walked away. He actually went to the preschool I work at that day, and there was a big group of us in the computer lab just messing around. He goes on Facebook and writes on my wall, "stop being rude, say hi" or something like that. The two of us actually have a conversation about that for the next 15 or 20 minutes over Facebook, in the same room as eachother but never talking in person. Pretty weird, if you ask me.
We had seen eachother like 2 or 3 other times before, both times it was after after we started talking on Facebook but before we started texting eachother, and it was always at this thing for his school where you wake up at like 6 in the morning to sell Crispy Cream Doughnuts to raise money. I went because my best friend who goes to his school asked me to go. It was always really awkward because I only knew like 6 or 7 people there, and all of Boyfriend's friends were there who I didn't know. He basically ignored me both times, except one time he called out my name and said, "Hi" from about 10 feet away in a crowd of people and I basically looked at him, raised my eyebrows and walked away. He actually went to the preschool I work at that day, and there was a big group of us in the computer lab just messing around. He goes on Facebook and writes on my wall, "stop being rude, say hi" or something like that. The two of us actually have a conversation about that for the next 15 or 20 minutes over Facebook, in the same room as eachother but never talking in person. Pretty weird, if you ask me.
Saturday night we're chatting on Facebook private messaging after I gave him my number and he jokes that he has no plans for the next day and so I should make plans with him. I ask him if he actually wants to because at this point I couldn't tell whether he was serious about getting to move forward in getting to know eachother in person or if he just wanted to chitchat. We talk for a while and decide to see a movie the next day. I complain about how guys always make me plan what to do when I hang out with them and he jokes that girls should never let the guy choose cuz then he'll be like, "Okay, let's go to my house! :D" or something like that.
___
___
Guy+Girl+Holding Hands+Movie+Offer To See Another Movie=WhatTheHellAreWe.
That Sunday I babysat my two cousins at my grandma's house all afternoon, and texted Boyfriend (who was yet to be "Boyfriend" at this point) continuously throughout the day. On Facebook (the melding pot of teenagers through connections of friends) we both said the night before that we wanted to see a scary movie. This led to a funny conversation about how there were no scary movies out at that time, and I joked that Twilight was the closest thing to a scary movie we could see. We both didn't like Twilight movies or books very much, but we couldn't think of anything else worth seeing, so Twilight (the 3rd one of course) was the movie we ended up seeing. We have an ongoing joke between us about how the movie was a bad choice seeing as how every 5 minutes the characters either a.) kiss b.) take their shirts off c.) talk about love . We later had an ongoing joke about how since my hands are always cold for some reason, I must be a vampire. And he "must be a werewolf then" because his hands are always warm.
During the movie, Boyfriend (or rather: Boyfriend-To-Be) told me his was scared during an action sequence in the woods and so he asked if I would hold his hand. To tell the truth, I wasn't sure what to do when he put his hand out in front of me. So I just kept giving him low-fives when he put his hand out. Though I was feeling pretty frazzled, to any outside viewer of this, the scene would be pretty hilarious. I can imagine this scene playing during a movie on the big screen in the theater. The audience would laugh at the endearing scene of a young woman struggling to hold her Boyfriend-to-be's hand.
To be honest, I didn't know HOW a girl is supposed to place her hand in a guy's hand. I put my hand on his sideways. That didn't work. Then right on top with the fingers closed. That also didn't work. I didn't want to look stupid though, so the low-fives continued every time I figured out my fingers were placed on top of his wrong. But then he started looking a little offended, so I placed my hand right on top of his and his fingers fit through the spaces between my fingers. I couldn't help thinking how many girls he had tried this out on before, and why the h-e-double hockeysticks was he holding my hand when we obviously were not an "item" at the time.
Thoughts were rapidly increasing and stressing me out.
Does this mean he likes me? But, weren't we trying to be friends? What does this mean? Is he..what do you call it...playing me? Yeah, he must be playing me. Doing this to tons of other girls, right? Wait...does this mean we're "together" now? I don't understand...sigh.
Before we got to our seats in the theater, things were quite awkward. When things are awkward, I can't help but smiling and laughing at the situation. And I don't mean internally. The two of us were on the escalator going up to our floor, and I kept looking in the opposite direction of him while holding back little giggles. He would look at me and start smiling widely. I would start laughing and he was smiling a whole lot and even said, "Stop making me laugh!" when all he was doing was grinning from ear to ear.
While watching the movie, we talked constantly. I personally feel like the whole "Twilight Saga" is a little ridiculous and the only redeeming quality about the movie itself was the hot guys without shirts. I think the only reason he didn't mind seeing it was because he didn't care which movie we saw. We kept talking about the people in the movie and he always said "she's ugly" every time that Bella girl had a close-up of her face on the screen which was kind of funny. We had this cute thing going where I would be looking straight at the screen to watch the movie, but his head was turned facing mine for a good duration of the film. I kept asking, "Why are you looking at me?" feeling a little embarrassed but intrigued and excited at the same time. He half-jokingly kept saying that because I always said he ignored me and never even looked at me, he was definitely going to look at me now. I wondered if I had a zit somewhere on my face he could be inspecting at that very moment..
Thoughts were rapidly increasing and stressing me out.
Does this mean he likes me? But, weren't we trying to be friends? What does this mean? Is he..what do you call it...playing me? Yeah, he must be playing me. Doing this to tons of other girls, right? Wait...does this mean we're "together" now? I don't understand...sigh.
Before we got to our seats in the theater, things were quite awkward. When things are awkward, I can't help but smiling and laughing at the situation. And I don't mean internally. The two of us were on the escalator going up to our floor, and I kept looking in the opposite direction of him while holding back little giggles. He would look at me and start smiling widely. I would start laughing and he was smiling a whole lot and even said, "Stop making me laugh!" when all he was doing was grinning from ear to ear.
While watching the movie, we talked constantly. I personally feel like the whole "Twilight Saga" is a little ridiculous and the only redeeming quality about the movie itself was the hot guys without shirts. I think the only reason he didn't mind seeing it was because he didn't care which movie we saw. We kept talking about the people in the movie and he always said "she's ugly" every time that Bella girl had a close-up of her face on the screen which was kind of funny. We had this cute thing going where I would be looking straight at the screen to watch the movie, but his head was turned facing mine for a good duration of the film. I kept asking, "Why are you looking at me?" feeling a little embarrassed but intrigued and excited at the same time. He half-jokingly kept saying that because I always said he ignored me and never even looked at me, he was definitely going to look at me now. I wondered if I had a zit somewhere on my face he could be inspecting at that very moment..
After the movie it was dark outside, and the whole evening felt like such a date. We walked out the theater holding hands, but then when we stepped outside the theater he spotted someone he knew walking inside. He immediately let go of my hand and I stood there feeling like a complete idiot as he talked to his friend a few feet away. I don't know what they were talking about but I got a feeling his friend was saying stupid things like , "Aye man, you got game!" and he said stuff like, "Shut up fag!" with a smile on his face.
After he finished saying most-likely douche-y things with his friend, we walked some more and he held my hand again. We didn't talk about much of anything, just walked and held hands. He walked me to the bus stop and waited for the bus with me.
Upon later discussion in our relationship, I found out that he thought of the whole evening as a "test-date" to see how we felt about eachother. Not quite a date, but definitely not two buddies hangin' out either. It looks like it turned out pretty well since that night he asked to walk me to work the next morning.
____
Walking-To-And-Fro & The Crush Confession
For about 3 days Boyfriend-To-Be (Also, Ex-Boyfriend-to-be) walked me to work at the preschool where I work during the summer, where the Teen Leadership people are; I think I mentioned this in previous posts. The two of us met up in Chinatown and we held hands and tried to make conversation while walking together through a couple pleasant little neighborhoods. I was never the one to initiate the hand-holding, it's just not my thing.
Every morning I was enthralled to wake up and look my best. Made sure I didn't break out in any zits, choice an outfit that wouldn't look lame, brushed my hair until the knots were all out, and made sure my makeup was top-notch to bring out my eyes and lips, and of course foundation keeps my face from looking shiny and red.
He always held out his hand and smiled at me. I took my hand and placed it on his and just like always; his fingers fit right in-between the space between my own. The weather was always cold so my hands were likewise. His hands were always warm, and he tried to warm up my own.
He was good at holding hands. I can't explain how, but he moved his thumb or something around the palm of my hand and it felt comforting. It sounds really weird when I describe it to people, but it's just a really nice thing that he did. He held my hand as if he didn't want to let go, and when he did let go, my hand felt cold again, just like when someone hugs you tight and then lets go and the shared warmth of two bodies huddled together disappears.
The way he held my hand was a nice gesture, a nice action. I do wonder where he learned it though. Did he do it with his last girlfriend? This is something I'll never know. Although, he stopped doing that special hand holding trick about 2 months into our relationship. I completely forgot about it until...well, right now. I guess he forgot about it too. At 2 months into our relationship he already had me, he didn't have to do sweet things like that anymore to try to win me over at that point I would guess.
But this comes later too. Let's get back to the pre-dating part of the relationship.
I always ended up being late to work, but I didn't care of course. I mean, realistically? It was either
a.) Wake up, walk to work by yourself, and be on time.
OR
b.) Wake up and call a guy to wake him up, meet up that guy, walk to work with that guy while holding hands, and be 15 minutes late for work.
From that perspective, does a girl really have a choice?
Okay, that's being sexist. Does a girl like me, named That Girl really have a choice?
Nope.
The thing was that, he wasn't the best looking guy ever. Sure, I called him Cutie and said he was cute all the time, but that was just me being flirty. All guys like to be called cute from what I've experienced. He was very, very pale most of the time (sometimes he was slightly tan and I thought it made him cuter) and a little bit chubby. Well. Not chubby, but big-boned? Maybe just built? Fit? Okay, not fit. He just had some meat on his bones, and a tiny bit of a stomach. I'd say he was built. I liked his size though, I've always been into guys who aren't skinny. His size was comforting, he was the type of guy who other guys would later joke to about to me things like, "Yes! You're the best for doing this favor for me. I would say I love you but I don't want Boyfriend to beat me up," and me and the guy would laugh about that. I found out later in our relationship that he works out at home by lifting 10 pound weights and during push-ups and sit-ups. Just thought I'd give you my physical description of him just so you'd know. He had these black glasses which he always wore (he's not a geeky/nerdy looking guy with glasses though), always the same pair of black Nikes, some jeans in a dark wash which I didn't like very much but never commented on, and a regular cool looking plain shirt in a normal color from Champs with a beater underneath. He called his beater a "tank" which I secretly have always thought is hilarious for some reason. I actually remember seeing him in a blue shirt on time while he was working in his parent's shop and I thought he looked really, really cute in it. On average, every girl who is a friend of mine who knew who he was, gave him a 4 out of 10. I have always given him a strict 5, except I gave him a 7 when I first saw him. Go figure. And anyway, I never really judged him on his looks. Oh yeah, and he always had a black North Face jacket on that he always tried to give to me to wear while we were dating and it was cold outside, though I always rejected the offer saying that he would be too cold if he let me wear his jacket. I succumbed a time or two though. But anyway. Let's get back to the topic.
So one day he walks me to work. The first time, we just say bye to eachother, though we text all day after that. The second day, I give him a longish bear hug hug before I go inside the preschool gates because he texted me day before something like "I didn't even get a hug =[" and I like hugs myself anyway.
The third day. Now this is where things get interesting. At this point I'm not surewhy he keeps walking me to work and holding my hand when we are not a couple.
Is he ever going to ask me out? He could be playing me...but he doesn't seem cute enough to be a player to be honest.
He always held out his hand and smiled at me. I took my hand and placed it on his and just like always; his fingers fit right in-between the space between my own. The weather was always cold so my hands were likewise. His hands were always warm, and he tried to warm up my own.
He was good at holding hands. I can't explain how, but he moved his thumb or something around the palm of my hand and it felt comforting. It sounds really weird when I describe it to people, but it's just a really nice thing that he did. He held my hand as if he didn't want to let go, and when he did let go, my hand felt cold again, just like when someone hugs you tight and then lets go and the shared warmth of two bodies huddled together disappears.
The way he held my hand was a nice gesture, a nice action. I do wonder where he learned it though. Did he do it with his last girlfriend? This is something I'll never know. Although, he stopped doing that special hand holding trick about 2 months into our relationship. I completely forgot about it until...well, right now. I guess he forgot about it too. At 2 months into our relationship he already had me, he didn't have to do sweet things like that anymore to try to win me over at that point I would guess.
But this comes later too. Let's get back to the pre-dating part of the relationship.
I always ended up being late to work, but I didn't care of course. I mean, realistically? It was either
a.) Wake up, walk to work by yourself, and be on time.
OR
b.) Wake up and call a guy to wake him up, meet up that guy, walk to work with that guy while holding hands, and be 15 minutes late for work.
From that perspective, does a girl really have a choice?
Okay, that's being sexist. Does a girl like me, named That Girl really have a choice?
Nope.
The thing was that, he wasn't the best looking guy ever. Sure, I called him Cutie and said he was cute all the time, but that was just me being flirty. All guys like to be called cute from what I've experienced. He was very, very pale most of the time (sometimes he was slightly tan and I thought it made him cuter) and a little bit chubby. Well. Not chubby, but big-boned? Maybe just built? Fit? Okay, not fit. He just had some meat on his bones, and a tiny bit of a stomach. I'd say he was built. I liked his size though, I've always been into guys who aren't skinny. His size was comforting, he was the type of guy who other guys would later joke to about to me things like, "Yes! You're the best for doing this favor for me. I would say I love you but I don't want Boyfriend to beat me up," and me and the guy would laugh about that. I found out later in our relationship that he works out at home by lifting 10 pound weights and during push-ups and sit-ups. Just thought I'd give you my physical description of him just so you'd know. He had these black glasses which he always wore (he's not a geeky/nerdy looking guy with glasses though), always the same pair of black Nikes, some jeans in a dark wash which I didn't like very much but never commented on, and a regular cool looking plain shirt in a normal color from Champs with a beater underneath. He called his beater a "tank" which I secretly have always thought is hilarious for some reason. I actually remember seeing him in a blue shirt on time while he was working in his parent's shop and I thought he looked really, really cute in it. On average, every girl who is a friend of mine who knew who he was, gave him a 4 out of 10. I have always given him a strict 5, except I gave him a 7 when I first saw him. Go figure. And anyway, I never really judged him on his looks. Oh yeah, and he always had a black North Face jacket on that he always tried to give to me to wear while we were dating and it was cold outside, though I always rejected the offer saying that he would be too cold if he let me wear his jacket. I succumbed a time or two though. But anyway. Let's get back to the topic.
So one day he walks me to work. The first time, we just say bye to eachother, though we text all day after that. The second day, I give him a longish bear hug hug before I go inside the preschool gates because he texted me day before something like "I didn't even get a hug =[" and I like hugs myself anyway.
The third day. Now this is where things get interesting. At this point I'm not surewhy he keeps walking me to work and holding my hand when we are not a couple.
Is he ever going to ask me out? He could be playing me...but he doesn't seem cute enough to be a player to be honest.
So we walk down the block and stop in front of the entrance of Sky High Preschool (not the real name of the preschool just so you know) and he says, "Okay, I have to ask you something..." I stand there smiling and he is so shy about it. He says," Okay (insert name of friend who introduced us here, who by the way happens to be my best friend and a very good friend of his too) told me to ask you this..." He stumbles on his words for like 5 minutes while looking at the ground and mumbling stuff with a cute smile on his face. "Well..." he would begin, and then go like, "Wait.." "Uhh...um. Well like, um..., " it was like he was having a really hard time getting this thing off his chest. I knew what he was trying to say and was being very, very patient with it. I kept smiling at him.
So cute. I thought.
Finally, he takes out his phone and says something like, "Wait a second...I'll do it this way."
So cute. I thought.
Finally, he takes out his phone and says something like, "Wait a second...I'll do it this way."
He looks at his phone nervously and goes, "Oh hey it 11:11!" cheesy and really cutely and we laugh about that for a second. C
ute.
Then he looks back at his phone and types something out that he's about to show it to me. I reach for the phone but then he spazzes out and pulls the phone back towards him and talks to himself-ish, "No wait that's dumb...uhhh," and I jokingly back up a little bit with my hands up as if I'm surrendering. I smirk at him a little bit and he grins that cute grin he has. Then he erases what he just wrote on his iPhone and retypes something and which he shows to me.
In the space where you write a text to somebody on the iPhone, underneath the texts we had in the past, there's a message typed out.
I like yu. Wana go out wit me
I looked at it and grinned. He says, "You can think about it," all shyly. He's so not a player with that embarrassed little grin on his face. I hold up a finger and take out my own phone. As I type out the message he tries to sneak a look at what I'm typing. This situation is cute. (Oops, too much Jersey Shore I'm watching as I type this out. Mike The Situation is pretty interesting though.) I finish my message and hand him the phone to look at.
I like you too , sure
But truthfully? I didn't really like him. I mean, I didn't have a crush on him. It was more like a oh why not sort of thing. He was very endearing and pretty sweet so far, so I might as well. He looks at my message and give the phone back to me, smiling that endearing smile of his. We laughed a little and then I walk into Sky High. As we walk away he says, "I love you" quietly through the wooden gate separating us as he's walking past while I walk down the ramp leading into the building and I mumble incoherently, "I love you too" and grin like crazy while walking inside without looking back at him. He says, "Text me," and I do. We text the rest of the day.
Oh here's another cute thing. We had this thing the week before where he would always bring up 11:11 when we were talking and of course, I wouldn't tell him my wish and he wouldn't tell me his. We also had this thing where I "owe" him something, but I forgot why now that I think about it.
He texts me sometime the day after he asked me to go out with him:
I like yu. Wana go out wit me
I looked at it and grinned. He says, "You can think about it," all shyly. He's so not a player with that embarrassed little grin on his face. I hold up a finger and take out my own phone. As I type out the message he tries to sneak a look at what I'm typing. This situation is cute. (Oops, too much Jersey Shore I'm watching as I type this out. Mike The Situation is pretty interesting though.) I finish my message and hand him the phone to look at.
I like you too , sure
But truthfully? I didn't really like him. I mean, I didn't have a crush on him. It was more like a oh why not sort of thing. He was very endearing and pretty sweet so far, so I might as well. He looks at my message and give the phone back to me, smiling that endearing smile of his. We laughed a little and then I walk into Sky High. As we walk away he says, "I love you" quietly through the wooden gate separating us as he's walking past while I walk down the ramp leading into the building and I mumble incoherently, "I love you too" and grin like crazy while walking inside without looking back at him. He says, "Text me," and I do. We text the rest of the day.
Oh here's another cute thing. We had this thing the week before where he would always bring up 11:11 when we were talking and of course, I wouldn't tell him my wish and he wouldn't tell me his. We also had this thing where I "owe" him something, but I forgot why now that I think about it.
He texts me sometime the day after he asked me to go out with him:
"First i wrote that i want yu. [Like with the 11:11 thing and that I owed him something? Cute; clever.] But that sounded stupid. [Which is why he deleted the first thing he typed out and typed something else.] Looks like just asking works [= <3"
____
The "So...bring up a topic." Woes
After officially “going out" with Ex-Boyfriend, he always walked me to work on days when he asked me to call him in the morning to wake him up so I would have some rather nice company as we walked through 3 different neighborhoods; through a tunnel, past an Asian tapioca drink shop, and ending up at the front gate connecting to the bridge I had to walk over to get inside the community center (where I gave him a long hug and he wouldn’t walk away until I was over the bridge and out of site from the other side of the wooden gate. what can I say, the boy had my back). But the thing was, we could never hold a decent conversation. Well, it wasn't decent in my personal opinion. Okay, fine it was decent. But not more than decent. Which, for any relationship, should be a red light saying It so it not going to work out. But I ignored that red light because I sincerely just wanted it to work out. Whenever we texted or walked together (always hand-in-hand) one of us would say, "So bring up a topic," or "So, what do you wanna talk about?" which really is a big glowing red light flashing No. but I didn't care. It would always be us talking about random things, things I usually brought up. It was never awkward, we simply just did not have much in common including a radically different set of hobbies and music, and a differed sense of humor (this last one is important; I love it when I can sincerely laugh at a guy's joke and not have to force-laugh it in the name of flirting or pitying the bad joke). I never liked his laugh very much; think Patrick Star from Spongebob if you need a visual. Basically the only things we had in common to talk about at this point were:
a.) the friend who introduced us (but I'm not into talking about best friends behind their backs)
b.) the friend who introduced us' boyfriend (but how much do we really want to talk about our mutual friend's boyfriend??)
c.) people I worked with at the preschool (but he got jealous if I mentioned guys)
d.) him being bored while working at his mom's cafe (But he seemed to not like talking about his parent's store for some reason and one time he told me he was playing hide-and-go-seek with a bunch of his guy friends and one of his girl friends. Which made me a little uncomfortable to be frank.
And you can be Paul! Ha-ha what funny jokes I tell.
... Okay. Anyyways. )
So I always timidly mentioned other things we walked by like the senior citizens doing ta-kwon-doe at the park we pass by ("You should join them," I said in my quiet joking manner and he grinned. He said no, that I should. We agreed that we would take the class together with the graying old folk one day and we laughed a bit at that.) or flowers being sold by the little vendor downtown ("What kind of flowers do you like?" he asked me. I asked why and he said, "I don't know, we just passed by some flowers so yeah that's something to talk about and yeah I'm asking you what kind of flowers you like I guess." He had a habit of rambling on and on while explaining himself and tripping over his words. It was adorable. Beats any player pickup line. I said that I like all flowers really. I asked him what he would do if I got him flowers for our anniversary. He told me he was allergic to the pollen in flowers, "You wanna kill me?" he asked me cheekily.)
But the conversation didn't go very far. Sometimes I'd swing our hands back and forth in big motions and I'd laugh about how stupid that looked. He laughed along with me.
Shortly after going out with Ex-Boyfriend, my cell phone broke. This time I swear it wasn't even my fault! It just ran out of batteries and decided not to charge anymore.
So I always timidly mentioned other things we walked by like the senior citizens doing ta-kwon-doe at the park we pass by ("You should join them," I said in my quiet joking manner and he grinned. He said no, that I should. We agreed that we would take the class together with the graying old folk one day and we laughed a bit at that.) or flowers being sold by the little vendor downtown ("What kind of flowers do you like?" he asked me. I asked why and he said, "I don't know, we just passed by some flowers so yeah that's something to talk about and yeah I'm asking you what kind of flowers you like I guess." He had a habit of rambling on and on while explaining himself and tripping over his words. It was adorable. Beats any player pickup line. I said that I like all flowers really. I asked him what he would do if I got him flowers for our anniversary. He told me he was allergic to the pollen in flowers, "You wanna kill me?" he asked me cheekily.)
But the conversation didn't go very far. Sometimes I'd swing our hands back and forth in big motions and I'd laugh about how stupid that looked. He laughed along with me.
Shortly after going out with Ex-Boyfriend, my cell phone broke. This time I swear it wasn't even my fault! It just ran out of batteries and decided not to charge anymore.
But even when I did have my phone, we only texted and never talked on the phone. We texted a LOT though, basically every 3 minutes of the day and of the night. Sometimes if one of us was busy doing something we had to hold off on texting for 20 minutes or so. A goodmorning and a goodnight every night though. I always went to sleep earlier than him and when I said I was going to bed he would text me, "ok baby good night sweet dreams love you =]" or something similar to that.
So my phone ended up breaking. We talked every night on Facebook private messaging and talked about our day, and I usually called him in the morning to wake him up if he wanted to walk me to work that day. In the earliest stages of the relationship, we still went with the, "So bring up a topic," and "Ha, ha, I brought up the topic last time and now it's your turn!" while walking together, still having meaningless short conversations about old people, allergies, pollen, and other odd socks.
HA, that's a good one: other odd socks. I'm going to start saying "other odd socks" instead of "other things" or "etc." or "weird mishaps in chaotic situations not important enough to describe with details but important enough to sufficiently mention in an abbreviated manner," or other odd socks. Anyway.
So my phone ended up breaking. We talked every night on Facebook private messaging and talked about our day, and I usually called him in the morning to wake him up if he wanted to walk me to work that day. In the earliest stages of the relationship, we still went with the, "So bring up a topic," and "Ha, ha, I brought up the topic last time and now it's your turn!" while walking together, still having meaningless short conversations about old people, allergies, pollen, and other odd socks.
HA, that's a good one: other odd socks. I'm going to start saying "other odd socks" instead of "other things" or "etc." or "weird mishaps in chaotic situations not important enough to describe with details but important enough to sufficiently mention in an abbreviated manner," or other odd socks. Anyway.
So I really disliked the fact that we had to TRY to have conversation. It never just flowed. For some reason, at this point there's was absolutely nothing we could find to talk about. It made me sad to think that we didn't click like I hoped we would.Why don't we just click like we're supposed to? Why can't we be the perfect-happy-go-lucky-conversation-about-life-love-and-deep-untold-secrets-until-hours-of-the-night couple?
____
Successful Mission To The Heart? Or more like a Failure to Launch?
I actually found this ^ above quote a while back, while I was feeling very much borderline with ExBoyfriend. I mean, I was really on the rocks whether or not I wanted to continue dating him seeing as how I was pretty dissatisfied in the relationship with us still not clicking in conversations. Good conversation is amust for me, even if it's just the two of us saying completely ridiculous things that make no sense whatsoever (like talking about what it would be like to grow up and become a slice of cheese, that would be delightful conversation) or having friendly arguments about something dumb like whether magenta is closer to pink or purple. I just need that mental stimulation, someone who makes me think and laugh like there's no tomorrow. This quote actually almost made me cry because I knew that this relationship was me forcing myself to try to make it work and that I was forcing myself to love what I had. Or rather, love is too strong of a word. Though he constantly said he loved me, and I said it back just because it just seemed like the correct thing to do. I mean, if I was a guy who always said I loved my girlfriend and she always just smiled and changed the subject, I would be pretty upset. So yeah, I would say that I was forcing myself to LIKE what I had, I was without a doubt not having what I liked.
My mission for the summer was to have my first boyfriend, but mostly to fall in love. Upon first thought, I would say that the mission was successful, but upon further thought? Was this a failure to launch? You might say that simply not having the best conversations isn't a good reason to write someone off. But that wasn't all I was unhappy with in the relationship.
Whenever we were around his friends, he didn't exactly ignore I could tell he was trying not to look "pussy-whipped" (refer to John Tucker Must Die). Like, he would hold my hand but then he wouldn't really pay that much attention to me. Kinda hard to explain. OH oh, okay there's one time when he completely avoided seeing me around his friends:
So he works at his parent's shop all the time. During the summer he pretty much worked all day and into the late hours of the night. It's this cafe that sells semi-expensive food there and he mostly just makes drinks for customers and watches TV while texting all day. Pretty much all his friends knew he worked there and so they (I think) often came over and played cards at an empty table there. It seemed as if he didn't care when they came by to hangout although he did care if I came over or if my best friend (who introduced the two of us) came over. To this day I can't figure out why he didn't like when I came over. Anyway.
So one day me, my best friend who introduced the two of us, and this other girl who I worked with (who always seemed a little prissy and stuck-up, though she also had a hint of "ghetto"ness in her personality for some reason) were hanging out downtown and since ExBoyfriend's cafe is in the neighborhood a couple blocks over, best friend thought of the clever idea to go visit ExBoyfriend in his shop. I was a little apprehensive about the idea though. Did I really want him to see me today? I wasn't having the best hair day. I didn't bring my little makeup compact with me for touching up the shine on my face during the middle of the day, my face is so damn shiny! He's going to think I'm sweating or something! Shit I'm wearing a skirt today; he's never seen me in a skirt! My legs look too skinny. And I couldn't find my razor to shave so I just wore black tights instead...Best Friend's legs look so much better than mine, she's not skinny as a stick with stubble on her legs covered by random sheer tights. Her legs are so freakin' tan! Damn it, and this other girl freakin' has donk! How can I compete with these 2? And his friends might be there..and they're gonna once-over me to see what their friend's girlfriend looks. Freakin' shit! I thought.
But anyway. So the three of us floral-skirt-wearing (okay, theirs were legit floral skirts--from Hollister nonetheless--, while mine was some random floral-esque skirt--from Nordstroms about 3 years ago when I was trying to figure out what cool clothes would verify as--I had to dig up in the back of my pile of no good clothes thrown on the floor in a "my clothes freakin' SUCK" rage) chickadees (Why do people refer to girls as "chickadees"? Are we hatching birds here?) went into ExBoyfriend's shop literally arm-in-arm (You know how close-knit groups of girls like to show off their friendship to the universe by linking arms and such? I always felt like it was too... "hey look at us, we're best friends forever times kabillion and you're just some loner kid. don't you wish you could be friends with us too and continuously giggle about stupid shit that cute guys say to us in the midst of their swagger to get enormous amounts of affection from girls with perky facial features and boobs?" You feel me G[oofy]? It's so stupid. Yet at the same time, I like being part of the stupidness, don't I? Hidden hypocrite in hiding? For sure.).
The first thing we see when we walk in is a table full of guys. It's a whole bunch of ExBoyfriend's cute friends sitting around a table and talking about whatever it is that they were talking about. They turn and look at us and I feel under pressure.Awh man, these guys are going to be checking me out to see how their friend's taste in girls is. If they think I'm ugly, they'll go and tell him that his girlfriend is ugly and that he can do better. If they think I'm attractive, they'll go douche-ily up to him and say things such as "Aye you got GAME.!" The Pressure...
I see ExBoyfriend behind the counter texting people or something. He looks at me and guess what he immediately does? No, just guess.
No, he didn't run up to me and give me one of those bear hugs that girls love getting.
Nope, that that either.
Uh uh, guess again.
Give up? Okay, I'll tell you.
He looks at the three of us, and with a glance at me, goes to the other side of the cafe where the stairs are; and he goes upstairs. Where there was a couch and TV I think.
Basically, he was avoiding seeing me. It was like I was dissed and dismissed. Or not. Just dismissed. And what-the-h-e-double-hockey-sticks kind of boyfriend quickly dismisses his girlfriend when she comes for a once in a lifetime surprise visit to him at his boring work? A jerk kind of boyfriend. That kind.
Us three girls just sat with his friends and played some cards. We played slapjack which I myself didn't play, I just watched cuz I didn't know how to play at the time. (ExBoyfriend tells me later on that I "better not have played" because slapjack was just an excuse to touch a girl's hand in the discreet coverup of an innocent card game. Of course, he said it in simpler terms and not my exaggerated for better-sounding-stories kind of way.) I felt so embarrassed. How did his friends think of me now that he was ignoring me like this? They said he was just shy. Lucky me.
I don't know why I felt so embarrassed, but it was probably just because I expected so much more out of him.
[This my friends... is good foreshadowing of our future together. Some foreshadowing I should have taken head of.]
Later he texted me that he was really mad at my best friend for bringing me there. The message went something like, "She fucking had to ___ (something stupid) and I fucking told her not to come around here and mess around. I'm fucking annoyed that she can't fucking listen to me ever. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at her," except that of course he used "yu" instead of "you" and "im" instead of "I'm" as well as taking out random vowels in words. I presume he determined vowels of unimportance in the structure of his words. Go figure. Pretty much his uncle came around the cafe and saw a bunch of high school kids sitting around a table and playing cards, which looks bad for business and so ExBoyfriend was reprimanded by (or as he says, "bitched at") his uncle.
I know, whatta crybaby.
I Want To Breakup with You, Jerk.
Things were going...okay. This is about 3 weeks into the relationship I'd say, and my feelings about Ex-boyfriend were on the rocks. I liked having a boyfriend, but he stressed me out sometimes and I just didn't have that feeling. The one that Katy Perry talked about in Seventeen magazine where she says that it's not right with a person until it feels like the movies. Just like how it is in the movies with the fireworks and strong feeling of...I don't know, however it's supposed to feel with your boyfriend. I never had a boyfriend before, but it sure didn't feel like how characters seem to feel in those romantic-comedies in theaters and on the Lifetime channel. Overall, there were 3 things that bothered me, leading me to almost break up with him. Well, actually it was one main thing that made me start to over-think , or rather , just THINK about all the problems I had with him. The little things that bothered me that I never really thought about.
This story basically describes the day that I really wanted to break-up with him:
As we stood at a bus stop waiting for his bus, he kept doing the thumb-around-my-hand thing non-stop for a few minutes as he said things like, "I'm sorry. What can I do to cheer you up? You look so sad or mad or something...how can I cheer you up? Tell me, how can I cheer you up?" with a worried expression on his face and all the effort he put into trying to make me feel better did soften my anger a little bit. Though truthfully, I was sad, not mad. Him, me, and my two girl friends were standing around talking when all of a sudden his phone rings. It's a girl who he used to have a MAJOR crush on, but she recently got a boyfriend. I know he had a major thing for her, thought she was really pretty and nice. I always have felt since our relationship started, and even now as I type this and our relationship has ended, I was a second choice to him. If she were to like him, and did not get a different boyfriend, he would take her in a Kellog's Snap, Crackle, and Pop. I felt like he only started liking me because he could not get her. I met her 2 or 3 times and she intimidates the shit out of me to be honest. She seems nice, sure. But that makes her more intimidating, because guys like nice. She's pretty, but not hot. Very pretty though. Taller than me; on the thin side, but not skinny or as skinny as me at least. Her boobs are a lot bigger than mine. That's more more intimidation from her to me, unintentionally of course. And I will truthfully admit, I don't like her whatsoever, partially being that I am jealous of her. She's the only girl I can say I am actually very much jealous of. I also have a distaste for her because I heard from a best friend that she's a flirt, and I know that she is constantly talking to Ex-Boyfriend all the time, while the two of us were dating and after. They talked on the phone, through texts, and in person. When it comes to Ex-Boyfriend, I have always felt second best compared to this girl.
Anyway, so she called him while the 4 of us were standing around talking at that preschool I work at. My best friend who's with us says, "Oh my god, it's her? Britney, take the phone and tell her Ex-Boyfriend has a girlfriend now!" Britney (the other girl who was standing around with us, who I have decided to name Britney) takes the phone, answers it and says, "Hey it's Britney, Ex-Boyfriend has a girlfriend now. He has a girlfriend now, okay?" And basically hangs up on her. I didn't know the history behind this girl calling Ex-Boyfriend on the phone and Ex-Boyfriend until later on. The fact that they still talked on the phone sometimes still while we were dating was always off-putting. Even though she had a boyfriend and I knew she wasn't interesting in dating Ex-Boyfriend, I never got over feeling like he still had lingering feelings towards her and was just waiting for her to be single again, and just dump me to go chase after her some more. She intimidated me constantly, yet unintentionally I believe, throughout the whole relationship. In some ways, I hate her for no good reason. I just wanted her to back the HELL off from flirting with him and leading him on all the time. Just right now, I feel upset thinking about her, although I'm not sure why.
But anyway. So Ex-Boyfriend takes his phone back, and like 10 seconds after he puts it in his pocket, another girl calls him. He picks up and starts talking to her. Right next to me. He hangs up and then the first girl calls him back. After this, I think another girl calls him. It just wouldn't stop. Basically, this whole thing really pissed me off.
How many fucking girls need to call you on a daily basis? But really? The whole thing made me very insecure. I didn't think I could compete with these girls whatsoever, and I didn't think I should have to try to keep my guy. He's my guy, so why the hell do I need to work to keep his attention away from these other more attractive, and probably nicer and more intelligent flirty girls? It's a very intimidating situation that made me insecure at that moment. I was mad at him, but mostly? I was feeling over my head, overwhelmed...confused and frazzled.
Anyway, so she called him while the 4 of us were standing around talking at that preschool I work at. My best friend who's with us says, "Oh my god, it's her? Britney, take the phone and tell her Ex-Boyfriend has a girlfriend now!" Britney (the other girl who was standing around with us, who I have decided to name Britney) takes the phone, answers it and says, "Hey it's Britney, Ex-Boyfriend has a girlfriend now. He has a girlfriend now, okay?" And basically hangs up on her. I didn't know the history behind this girl calling Ex-Boyfriend on the phone and Ex-Boyfriend until later on. The fact that they still talked on the phone sometimes still while we were dating was always off-putting. Even though she had a boyfriend and I knew she wasn't interesting in dating Ex-Boyfriend, I never got over feeling like he still had lingering feelings towards her and was just waiting for her to be single again, and just dump me to go chase after her some more. She intimidated me constantly, yet unintentionally I believe, throughout the whole relationship. In some ways, I hate her for no good reason. I just wanted her to back the HELL off from flirting with him and leading him on all the time. Just right now, I feel upset thinking about her, although I'm not sure why.
But anyway. So Ex-Boyfriend takes his phone back, and like 10 seconds after he puts it in his pocket, another girl calls him. He picks up and starts talking to her. Right next to me. He hangs up and then the first girl calls him back. After this, I think another girl calls him. It just wouldn't stop. Basically, this whole thing really pissed me off.
How many fucking girls need to call you on a daily basis? But really? The whole thing made me very insecure. I didn't think I could compete with these girls whatsoever, and I didn't think I should have to try to keep my guy. He's my guy, so why the hell do I need to work to keep his attention away from these other more attractive, and probably nicer and more intelligent flirty girls? It's a very intimidating situation that made me insecure at that moment. I was mad at him, but mostly? I was feeling over my head, overwhelmed...confused and frazzled.
So the moral of the story? Well, the moral is to be more trusting and control your jealously.
But that's besides the point. I mean, who gives a shiz about the moral? I sure don't.
What I'm saying, was that the whole thing he had with this other girl made me feel very uneasy, uneasy enough to make me want to break up with him.
Aw man, what a jealous freeeak! You must be thinking.
But no, there's more about Ex-Boyfriend and this girl that upset me.
Me and him had been going out for a while by now, right? Well, just take a look at his Facebook page at this point in time and it freakin' looks like he's dating HER, not me. How, you may ask?
His NAME for one. What was his name on Facebook?
His first name. HER FIRST NAME as his middle name. And his last name.
Oh that's not all.
That little info box on the side?
The first thing it says is "___(her first name) is coooool! [="
Then it has this thing about this little 7th grade girl I meet later on in our relationship who he calls his "niece" , something like "My niece __(her name) I 143 love her <3"
Then it has something about my best friend who he calls his "wife" and so it says, "My cutaaay wife: ___ (her name) <3"
I'm 3rd, our anniversary date with a heart next to it and "11:11". Woohoo.
Ohh ohh then I log onto AIM, right? His status for who knows how long, was
___ (her name) is soooo cool! =]
So just level with me here. This girl's name is freakin' ALL OVER THE PLACE, she calls him daily, and he used to have some semi-major unrequited love with her. Wouldn't you be a little fed up? I sure as hell was.
Earlier this day (before I saw him get the phone calls from the 2 or 3 girls) I was already irritated with him. I was upset about the thing with this unknown girl's name all over the place, but he didn't know it yet. We went to Walgreens to pick up some school supplies for his little brother and he was being really annoying. He kept picking up something he wanted to buy, and then handing the item for me to hold while he searched for the next item he wanted to buy.
Do I look like a freakin' maid? Servant? HOUSEMOTHER?! So I was internally screaming out swear words and felt like punching things. But I kept my cool and kept myself looking slightly exasperated and annoyed.
He didn't catch the slight exasperation and annoyance.
So we walk back to Sky High (that's what I'm gonna start calling the preschool/community center place I work at) and the phone-calls-thing happens. All of the Sky High teens go to the computer lab to hang out for a little while and the day before ExBoyfriend said that he would hang out with me, my best friend, and my best friend's boyfriend after we leave Sky High. So that's what I'm expecting of course. But then he tells my best friend that he can't because he has something else to do. He doesn't tell me first, he walks over to my best friend to tell her and so she can tell me about it instead. We're all hanging out in the computer lab and ExBoyfriend goes up to my best friend and tells her that he's leaving. Then after she goes all like, "Wait, you're leaving?! I thought you were going to get ice cream with the three of us later!" Then ExBoyfriend just shrugs her off basically and asks me to walk him to the bus stop. Doesn't really tell me he's leaving, just waits for my best friend to say what he just said loudly out to him back in question form. I was pissed. And so. Me being pissed off, I walk him to the bus stop and that's the story I explained at first. I was mad, but I really was sad more than mad. It was weird. But damn he's good at holding hands.
Anyway. So how he kind of fixed things up with me was that I guess he talked with my best friend about why I was upset cuz that night he called me and told me to go on Facebook when I got home. I did and her name was no longer in his name, and no longer in his info box. Instead, it said "I love That Girl! <3 <3 <3 (As well as our anniversary date and "11:11'" She was still on his AIM thing for a little while, but I didn't really care about that. A day later he deleted the "I love That Girl! <3 <3 <3" part and moved me back down to the 3rd girl in his box but it really didn't matter to me, just as long as the other girl who obviously is fucking "coooool" wasn't there anymore. Oh yeah and he changed his relationship status to being in a relationship with me.
The Facebook thing made me feel a little better, but at the same time it left me feeling uncertain.
He only changed it because you were mad at him. If you weren't mad at him, would he changed anything? Anything at all? It seems like he didn't want to change it, if he wanted to..he would have. Would he actually rather keep it how it was? WHY would he want that? I don't understand...he has a girlfriend and the girl he used to like has a boyfriend...so does he want her name all over still? And can you really expect to fix everything with Facebook of all things?
Then I saw on my New Feed a post his "niece" wrote on his wall. It was her being all like, "Oh finally you changed your name! :D" and he's all like, "lols ya i was forced -_-," and she's like, "LOL by who?!" and he says, "by someone lols"
I never brought this conversation up with him, but throughout our whole relationship it bothered me. And it still bothers me. He was forced? I forced him? OR my best friend forced him? And it seems as if he REALLY did not want to change everything with this girl. Why. Why. Why. WHY the hell did he want to keep her name everywhere? I still don't get it. Why.
Actually, me and BestFriend were both having doubts about our relationships and actually planned (we don't plan the best, most thought-out plans) to break up with our boyfriends on the upcoming Sunday if they flaked on us. I mean, we were pretty serious, but at the same time, we weren't REALLY set on this. We kept cracking up while adding details about how the whole thing would work. She'd call my boyfriend and I'd call hers and we'd bitch at he poor guys about the wrong-doings they've done to us and then we'd switch phones and end it, putting them out of their misery. You should have seen us, we were dying with laughter adding more out-there ideas and details about it. We were kind of half-joking about it, but we were actually pretty pissed at them. I forgot why she was mad at her boyfriend, but they're still together as of 1/17/11! Well. Actually, they're on a break right now since last Friday. Tomorrow is supposed to be their anniversary. Pretty ironic.
But anyway, I pretty much forgave ExBoyfriend for the thing with that girl and then he texted me that night that he was going to spend all of Sunday with me and best friend and best friend's boyfriend, as long as I wanted him to be there to make up for cancelling on me. So. Everything was back to normal.
First Kisses and Near Misses .
I find our first kiss the cutest damn thing. It wasn't the kiss itself, it's the story of it that is just so adorable. Truthfully he was the first guy I have ever kissed, and he told me I was the first girl he kissed. Which just adds to the cuteness of the whole thing. But he never knew he the first guy I kissed, because I was never truthful about my past relationship history; which was pretty much nonexistent. He had 2 girlfriends before me, both of his in middle school and they weren't very serious relationships at all. I said I had 3; one for every year in middle school. I never felt especially bad for lying about this because people lie about their past relationships ALL the time and it's just embarrassing to admit I didn't get my first boyfriend until the non-tender age of 15. So I mean...sue me, ridicule me, call my on my sin of lying. But I lied and I wouldn't take back the lie if I could. Guys love the chase. They love loving the girl that other guys can't have, it makes them feel manly, macho, and like a winner-winner-chicken-dinner. Whatever the hell the last thing meant. I just meant to say "winner" but I wanted to sound clever and use a play on words, but that backfired because it made no sense after. Oh well.
ANYway. So first there was the first time he kissed me on the cheek; this is also pretty darn adorable, so I'll start with this story first. Ahh time to reminisce in old memories...
We had been going out for about eh, 2 weeks I'd say. We were still just hugging and holding hands at this point.
One day he was walking me to work, same old thing we've been doing. Right when we get to the front gate of the community center, he looks to the side of me and says, "Hey what's that?" Me being quite the gullible and impractical girl I am, I looked to the direction he was looking at with his mouth slightly agape. Then all of a sudden he leans down and tries to kiss me on the cheek while my hair flips to the side as I'm turning my head. He must've had pretty bad timing, because he ended up kissing my hair that covered my cheek during my mid-head-turn. I kind of felt his lips on my cheek, but it was mostly just a kiss to my hair. It was pretty much one of those stupid "fail" moments (like those really immature pictures of a domestic house pet missing a Frisbee thrown it's way) but at the same time, it was pretty cute. Later I told ExBestFriend about this story and she pretty much just thought that he was a wimp for not just out-right kissing me on the cheek. But I thought it was kind of endearing that he was too shy to do the straight-up leaning down and awkwardly kissing me as I look at him and make an awkward and embarrassed facial expression with reddened cheeks from the first lip-to-face action between us. Nah, I didn't mind what he did. I do wonder how long he took to think of how to do this though. Obviously the thought of bad timing wasn't something he anticipated though. So I look at him and give him a big cheesy grin on my face and he has one on his. I giggle a little bit and mumble something like, "Okay, bye," and he says, "Bye," and I turn to walk across the ramp to get inside the building past the gate. I walk straight, glancing at him every couple seconds as he watches me walk away. I turn around once more to look at him and he smiles an embarrassed smile and says, "Text me," with a considerable amount of enthusiasm in his voice. I say that I will and walk straight without turning back at him any more.
Later that day he met me up at my lunch break and we bought a bag of chips and a soda together at the corner store. We had lunch in the park on a bench in the kid's playground with a view of basketball players beneath us. His arm was around me and I just ate my chips and talked although he kept insisting that I talked less and ate more. At one point I asked him, "Would you still like me if I was bald?" and he says, "You're so random sometimes." So I asked him again and he looked over my face a couple times pretending to imagine me bald. I forgot what his answer was, but I think he mentioned something about a wig.
I was an hour late coming back from my break that day. But it's okay. Cuz he gave me a piggyback ride down the playground steps to the center of the playground with people our age watching us. And it was worth it to be late.
Of course you're wondering less about the first kiss on the cheek and more on the first kiss on the lips. So I'll go and tell you about that.
It was an average day like any other. Alright, well it was the second time we had seen a movie together; the first time was when we had first help hands but weren't quite "going out" yet. (Btw, I always thought it was strange how people in the mid/late-90's used to say that they were "going together" rather than "going out." People in 20 years will probably ostracize people in these days for saying "hella," "cool," and "hurt." Aw well.) I knew that he wanted to gimme a kiss on the lips sometime soon since he hadn't had his first yet and of course every teenage boy wants to kiss their girlfriend. He texted me something about a kiss the day before or something, though it was just something brushing the topic of a kiss, nothing straightforward such as, "I am going to give you a kiss when we see a movie tomorrow. Okay just so you know." That would be a bit odd.
So we went to the theater together and before the movie started we went to buy tickets and food. This day was also the first day that I went on a double date because after we saw the first movie we met up my best friend and her boyfriend to do something together, which ended up being us all seeing a movie. Anyway.
So we're sitting outside the concession stand inside the theater on this little cushioned bench.
No, this isn't where the first kiss happens. I just thought of another cute thing I'd share.
So we're sitting on the cushioned seat with some nachos and a small Coke (which happens to be a HUGE cup of soda in actuality) and I ask him if he's hungry. He says, "No, you're so sweet I'm not hungry." Now, I'm not a pro at pickup lines, but I knew that that's not how that line's supposed to go. I look at him with a funny look on my face and start laughing saying wait, what?! and he starts laughing at himself too. He starts doing that adorable rambling thing where he tries to find the right words to say. "Oh, no I mean...how's it supposed to go? Oh yeah, you're so sweet.. no, uh. Oh yeah! You're so sweet that when I'm with you I'm full, you know? Like I don't need anything else." I look at him and smile. It wasn't very smooth for wooing a girl, but it was so damn cute. He was trying to impress me with suave words and moves, but he was such a darn... NOOB3.14! at spitting game that I just thought it was cute. The effort he put into trying to compliment me was 10 times better than the compliment itself. It was cute.
So eventually we got up from our bench we had been sitting on and went to the arcade to pass time until the movie was showing . We played a game of air hockey for fun and I must say that I'm quite a champ at the game; I beat him easily. After I was crowned the champ (he used the excuse that his phone was ringing so he got distracted) we went inside the theater even though the movie hadn't started yet and we were just watching those repetitive Pepsi, Coke, and Jeep commercials with white people having parties at their families' houses and getting into sticky situations as the given product comes to be the comical solution. I know it sounds boring to watch commercials, but I was sort of enjoying it because the two of us kept cheekily commenting on each commercial and because the whole experience of a first date with your (first!) boyfriend in a dark movie theater is kind of an exhilarating feeling.
ANYway. So first there was the first time he kissed me on the cheek; this is also pretty darn adorable, so I'll start with this story first. Ahh time to reminisce in old memories...
We had been going out for about eh, 2 weeks I'd say. We were still just hugging and holding hands at this point.
One day he was walking me to work, same old thing we've been doing. Right when we get to the front gate of the community center, he looks to the side of me and says, "Hey what's that?" Me being quite the gullible and impractical girl I am, I looked to the direction he was looking at with his mouth slightly agape. Then all of a sudden he leans down and tries to kiss me on the cheek while my hair flips to the side as I'm turning my head. He must've had pretty bad timing, because he ended up kissing my hair that covered my cheek during my mid-head-turn. I kind of felt his lips on my cheek, but it was mostly just a kiss to my hair. It was pretty much one of those stupid "fail" moments (like those really immature pictures of a domestic house pet missing a Frisbee thrown it's way) but at the same time, it was pretty cute. Later I told ExBestFriend about this story and she pretty much just thought that he was a wimp for not just out-right kissing me on the cheek. But I thought it was kind of endearing that he was too shy to do the straight-up leaning down and awkwardly kissing me as I look at him and make an awkward and embarrassed facial expression with reddened cheeks from the first lip-to-face action between us. Nah, I didn't mind what he did. I do wonder how long he took to think of how to do this though. Obviously the thought of bad timing wasn't something he anticipated though. So I look at him and give him a big cheesy grin on my face and he has one on his. I giggle a little bit and mumble something like, "Okay, bye," and he says, "Bye," and I turn to walk across the ramp to get inside the building past the gate. I walk straight, glancing at him every couple seconds as he watches me walk away. I turn around once more to look at him and he smiles an embarrassed smile and says, "Text me," with a considerable amount of enthusiasm in his voice. I say that I will and walk straight without turning back at him any more.
Later that day he met me up at my lunch break and we bought a bag of chips and a soda together at the corner store. We had lunch in the park on a bench in the kid's playground with a view of basketball players beneath us. His arm was around me and I just ate my chips and talked although he kept insisting that I talked less and ate more. At one point I asked him, "Would you still like me if I was bald?" and he says, "You're so random sometimes." So I asked him again and he looked over my face a couple times pretending to imagine me bald. I forgot what his answer was, but I think he mentioned something about a wig.
I was an hour late coming back from my break that day. But it's okay. Cuz he gave me a piggyback ride down the playground steps to the center of the playground with people our age watching us. And it was worth it to be late.
Of course you're wondering less about the first kiss on the cheek and more on the first kiss on the lips. So I'll go and tell you about that.
It was an average day like any other. Alright, well it was the second time we had seen a movie together; the first time was when we had first help hands but weren't quite "going out" yet. (Btw, I always thought it was strange how people in the mid/late-90's used to say that they were "going together" rather than "going out." People in 20 years will probably ostracize people in these days for saying "hella," "cool," and "hurt." Aw well.) I knew that he wanted to gimme a kiss on the lips sometime soon since he hadn't had his first yet and of course every teenage boy wants to kiss their girlfriend. He texted me something about a kiss the day before or something, though it was just something brushing the topic of a kiss, nothing straightforward such as, "I am going to give you a kiss when we see a movie tomorrow. Okay just so you know." That would be a bit odd.
So we went to the theater together and before the movie started we went to buy tickets and food. This day was also the first day that I went on a double date because after we saw the first movie we met up my best friend and her boyfriend to do something together, which ended up being us all seeing a movie. Anyway.
So we're sitting outside the concession stand inside the theater on this little cushioned bench.
No, this isn't where the first kiss happens. I just thought of another cute thing I'd share.
So we're sitting on the cushioned seat with some nachos and a small Coke (which happens to be a HUGE cup of soda in actuality) and I ask him if he's hungry. He says, "No, you're so sweet I'm not hungry." Now, I'm not a pro at pickup lines, but I knew that that's not how that line's supposed to go. I look at him with a funny look on my face and start laughing saying wait, what?! and he starts laughing at himself too. He starts doing that adorable rambling thing where he tries to find the right words to say. "Oh, no I mean...how's it supposed to go? Oh yeah, you're so sweet.. no, uh. Oh yeah! You're so sweet that when I'm with you I'm full, you know? Like I don't need anything else." I look at him and smile. It wasn't very smooth for wooing a girl, but it was so damn cute. He was trying to impress me with suave words and moves, but he was such a darn... NOOB3.14! at spitting game that I just thought it was cute. The effort he put into trying to compliment me was 10 times better than the compliment itself. It was cute.
So eventually we got up from our bench we had been sitting on and went to the arcade to pass time until the movie was showing . We played a game of air hockey for fun and I must say that I'm quite a champ at the game; I beat him easily. After I was crowned the champ (he used the excuse that his phone was ringing so he got distracted) we went inside the theater even though the movie hadn't started yet and we were just watching those repetitive Pepsi, Coke, and Jeep commercials with white people having parties at their families' houses and getting into sticky situations as the given product comes to be the comical solution. I know it sounds boring to watch commercials, but I was sort of enjoying it because the two of us kept cheekily commenting on each commercial and because the whole experience of a first date with your (first!) boyfriend in a dark movie theater is kind of an exhilarating feeling.
While watching the commercials, the closeness of our faces was pretty evident. We kept talking and leaning our faces in close, and then smiling and turning away a little. At one point, I wanted to put us both out of our misery (More like, excited embarrassment than "misery") so when we took a pause from our talking, I leaned in close to him across the cup holder in-between us and looked into his expecting eyes.
Then.
I collapsed back in my chair on my side of the cup holder and burst out in giggles. I was just faced towards the screen and laughing my head off for a good 4 and a half seconds. My laughter starts to subside a little bit on the 5th second when he leans halfway off his chair so that he is facing me head on, blocking the screen in front of me. I stop giggling and smile a small, close-mouthed smile and he looks at me, smiling also.
Then.
He kisses me. Yup, just plants one right on my lips. Our first kiss, both separately the first kiss we have had in our lifetime, and the first time we had kissed eachother.
And there were fireworks and birthday cake candle-blowing and Mickey Mouse saying, "Yay!" going off my head as our souls intertwined in an intimate yet passionate kiss full of mystery and excitement...
SIKE!
It was okay. Nothing really more than two lips touching eachother; basically it was just our lips smushed together for a couple seconds. I completely did not know what to do with my lips, so I just kept them tightly closed and I pursed them out like a less-exaggerated cartoon (oops!) but I don't think he had any idea that I didn't know what I was doing. Hell, he thought I had my first kiss 3 boyfriends ago. He still thinks that. Aw well. Too late to fessing up the truth now.
So my lips were tightly closed and pursed out and his mouth was slightly parted but he was kind of sloppy (as in, a little too much slobber!). We pulled back after a couple seconds and smiled wide-tooth-grins at eachother. He slid back in his seat and we continued watching cheesy commercials.
The thing weird thing is that I always expected that when you kiss someone, you close your eyes because that's just something that comes naturally. But for the most part of our relationship, my eyes were definitely open when we kissed, looking at whatever empty space was behind him and I could see that his eyes were closed. Somehow, his glasses never got in the way. Those glasses, which he would never take off to let me see how he looked without them. But anyway, after a while I usually just made a mental note when we were kissing (dude, close your eyes! I told myself).
When the commercials were about to end and the previews were going to start (personally, I think the previews are the best part of going to the movies, don't ask why cuz I don't know why) he leans halfway off his chair again and blocks the screen with his head facing directly at me like he did before. "I want to see how long I can do this," he says and I'm sure he's blushing from nervousness and excitement and embarrassment at this moment. He leans down and we kiss again. Once again, I have tightly closed lips when his lips touch mine. It's still a little slobbery, but his lips are soft. Also cold too from his gum, but mostly soft. His lips are slightly parted and I start to relax mine to make it less of a peck and more of a smooch. He tongue touches mine a little and I touch his a little back and then I pull back in surprise, leaving him unintentionally wanting more. We both smile wide again and he goes back into his seat. This guy.
Later, after our movie, we meet up my best friend who introduced the two of us in the first place and we go on a double date. We couldn't decide what to do so we go movie hop a little bit at the local theater.
Basically, the 4 us us split up into our 2 couples and sat in opposite sides of the theater (Ex-Boyfriend and me felt like my BestFriend was spying on us, in a joking matter of course, but still). We kissed 3 or 4 times, with tongue involved. But I'm sure you don't want to hear the details about that. It was quite an experience.
Oh yeah, and we fed eachother chips dipped in nacho sauce a lot. Yum.
What's the X-Factor? &Am I Settling? Maybe I'd Rather Be Single?
Time was whizzing by and summer wouldn't last too much longer. School was starting soon and I was questioning the relationship. Having good communication really is key in a good relationship, as I quickly realized. Shows like Tough Love(which I loved watching, by the way) always talked about communication being important. But I never truly understood that shit until actually being in a real relationship.
Me and ExBoyfriend talked a lot through texts, but never really on the phone. We talked a lot...but it wasn't really about anything. See, teenagers are funny like that. We can talk for hours at a time, but not really about anything worth mentioning. I once had an argument lasting the whole day with a friend about how many times it is physically possible to fold a piece of paper. I read somewhere it was 9, she said it was 8. We haven't been able to do it ourselves past 7. Anyway.
At one point, we decided to talk on the phone. Me and ExBoyfriend that is. It was on the bus, and it lasted 5 minutes and then my phone ran out of batteries. The majority of the conversation went like, "So... bring up a topic." I was on the bus with my best friend's boyfriend because we could take the same bus home together after hanging out. I had a hard time finding things to talk to ExBoyfriend about and I would use exaggerated facial expressions as I mouthed "Help! There's nothing to talk about!" to my best friend's boyfriend (Who I'll just call Johnny Appleseed. Because it's the first name that came to mind, okay?) who would whisper to me that I should ask him how his day went. I gave him a literal thumbs-up and asked ExBoyfriend how his day went. Johnny Appleseed motioned to me that he had to get off the bus and I was stuck talking to ExBoyfriend by myself. We were still at the "So... bring up a topic" point in this relationship.
I'm the kind of girl who likes to have very...witty conversations. I like the kind of person that when I make a sharp joke about something, they give me something right back. ExBoyfriend was okay at this, but not as sharp as I would have liked. I like having weird inside jokes with people, and I like cracking up over dumb things. I'm kind of guy-ish like that. Not to be sexist or anything (there is a hidden feminist lurking in me at all times, after all) but I think growing up spending so much time with my older brother and having insightful and very intelligent banters and arguments with him over things ranging from the truth about religion to time travel and YuGiOh cards made me appreciate guy humor over girl humor and also made me a quick, sharp thinking person from all the debates we've had together. I had sharp guy humor, but ExBoyfriend unfortunately had plain guy humor. I had found the above quote while still going out with this guy, and it really made me think. I frowned while thinking of how the two of us didn't quite mesh the way I would have liked. It made me sad to think that the guy I was with wasn't going to be the guy I was always going to be with. I always knew it wasn't going to last long, but in some ways I really just wanted to know how long it WAS going to last which was why I was quite reluctant to quickly dismiss the fellow.
Truth be told, he made me feel boring. No, not just bored. He made me feel like I was a boring person. You know how sometimes you know when your fun to be around and people want to join in the excitement? I felt like I was the gray balloon in a bundle of
inflatables.
I wasn't comfortable being loud around him. Loud or weird or overly sarcastic or able to make the strange yet (what I like to think of) HI-larious funny voices I make with friends. I couldn't be myself really. I mean... I was comfortable being quiet and sweet with him. But I'm actually not that of a quiet and sweet person a good percentage of the time. You know? I wasn't uncomfortable with the idea of being weird around him, I just didn't know how he would react and I didn't really want to test the waters to check.
I wasn't sure that this was what I wanted. I never had any "luggage" before, nothing holding me back whatsoever from doing whatever it was that I wanted to do, nobody telling me what I could or could not achieve ((later in our relationship, I told ExBoyfriend that I was going to strive for a 4.0 that school year and he pretty much blew me off saying that I couldn't do it; my grades this year have been the worse they have ever been my entire life and I blame him for being a huge distraction to tell the truth...I sometimes (ALL THE TIME more or less) wish with all my heart that we just broke up before the school year began)). I was basically at 0% stressed out and completely drama free before I got a boyfriend, my face was actually completely free of zits for a while. Then we started going out and I started stressing, and my face decided to be a bitch to me by poppin' out random zits here and there. GREAT.
I had a conversation with my brother that really stuck with me. (Pretty much I take whatever my brother lectures and advises me about and take it to heart from then on; force of habit) I was asking him pretty much every relationship question in the book, although I was avoiding questions about the physical parts of a relationship, natch. I was asking him basically all the basics of relationships. I asked him stuff like, "How do you know you're in love?" or "Do you ever feel like breaking up with your girlfriend?" I had a tendency to ask things I wanted to know about my own relationship by asking him about HIS relationship, with his girlfriend. I always like getting male perspectives on things. Because truthfully? I love having girl-talks with my girls, but they usually know about what guys are thinking of just as much as I know what they're thinking of : not much. You can guess, but girls have a bad habit of over-thinking and over-complicating everything in the universe. Ask a guy to describe the sky and he'll say "clouds and birds." Girls will go batshit crazy with descriptions of the "shade of baby blue my first baby blanket was, the one my mom gave me when I was 4, which was really pretty because of this quilting that my grandma did with lavender branches woven in for texture and a relaxing aroma..."
Point being: my brother was the best person to turn to when I needed straightforward advice and perspectives from a guy's side of things.
One time I we were talking while playing catch with some tennis ball we found in the living room and he told me about the "X-Factor" which root many relationships. According to him, in a relationship it's either the physical parts, emotional connection, or X-Factor which keep a relationship going. Physical parts are pretty obvious: the 2 are attracted to eachother physically and may participate in physical activities together. And I don't mean tennis or foosball. Maybe it was a physical connection for Ex-Boyfriend, but I feel like that wasn't it for me. I thought he was cute in his own way, sure. But it wasn't that that kept me liking him.
Some people have emotional connections in relationships that keeps them going. This is usually part of long-distance relationships and online relationships, but some people are lucky enough to just click with the person they are in a relationship with. Where you might be shy with others-maybe not-but you could just sit down and talk to this person for hours, on the phone, through texting, sitting on a park bench (Yes Taylor Swift, just thinking, "Heeey isn't this eaaasy!") talking about random hooplah and future life plans and little secrets you don't feel comfortable telling hardly anybody else. Where you don't care so much how they look because you know that the person inside of them is just a drop-dead gorgeous, beautiful soul. (Yeah, I'm pushing the cheese here. I know. But hey, shoot for the moon, huh?)
Yeah, me and him didn't have that connection seeing as how all our conversations contained the following phrases:
Me-
"Mhmm mhmm (:"
"LOL you're cute"
"So... bring up a topic"
Him-
"But I love you! :]"
"lols! but you're hot!"
"What do you wanna talk about?"
Within the first week of our relationship, he said he didn't want to call me Hottie anymore, and so he said that he wanted to call me "Baby" instead. I liked it. I don't know why. But it was cute. And so I told him I'd call him "Babe" instead of Cutie from then on. Yeah, pretty creative. I know.
Anyway. So the X-Factor. That's hard to describe. Is it chemistry? Maybe. But it's more than that. It's like having sparks when you touch and...and when you kiss you get the same feeling as floating down to earth while skydiving. It's a timeless, limitless connection when you have the other person with you. Lust? No. Chemistry is part of it, but it feels like more than that.
Well at least, I'm guessing that's what the X-Factor is like. Did me and ExBoyfriend have this? Nah, I don't think so. It felt like... I don't know. It felt nice to be with him, to be adored by another person. But was it an extra-connection? An X-Factor?
I soon grew tired of thinking about what my brother was telling me about here, and so I just decided to label our relationship as having an X-Factor that kept us together. But really?
I just think that he thought I was "hot" and he thought I was a nice enough of a person to spend time with, and I just wanted to see if I could fall in love. Was I desperate to get a guy? Hell no. But if a nice, thoughtful, cute-in-his-own-way guy asks you out, I see no problem in saying, "Why not. It could work out." You know?
I remember the first time we stayed on the phone together for an hour. It wasn't that amazing. We actually weren't talking for most of the duration of the time we were on the phone, which is pretty sad if you think about it.
How can you be on the phone with somebody for about an hour and not actually talk for most of the time, you may ask? Well that's simple.
See, me and exboyfriend were pretty intent on staying on the phone for an extended period of time (though we never quite said "let's actually stay on the phone for more for 5 minutes, nay: an HOUR!")
And so, we had this little game we played including music and stripping. No, it wasn't as amusing as it may sound. So basically, I always wore really covered up type of shirts (my flat chest not popping out in low cut tshirt designs)
and he kinda wanted to check out my goods if you know what I mean. I always wear tight shirts because of the fact that I'm proud of my flat stomach, but I usually wore crew-neck shirts and sweaters because I was a slightly prudesque type of person.
But he wanted me to strip down a layer into a more revealing something at the next movie we saw together and we played this game to see the percent of the chance he had that I would actually strip down a little. It started at 50 and actually started going up, until I started being smarter with the game by using Google to aide me in the quest to stay prude. Here's a quick runthrough on how the game worked: he would play a song and I would try to guess what song is was. Pretty lame right?
We actually started talking about this probably because there really was nothing else to talk about. So playing song after song after song made the hour and ten minutes or so pass by a bit quicker. It was at 50 but he kept playing all these random hiphop songs (his music is pretty good though by the way) and so the percentage got higher and higher. Eventually I smarten-ed up and starting typing the lyrics into google until a song title was brought up in the search results. When is started going down, he decided to just keep it at 80 and we had one of those cutsey silly couple fake-arguements where I was disagreeing with his 80 percent chance ("79! No, 75! Okay fine...let's just go with 70. LOL." type of things). It was stupid but somewhat amusing in a way. I forgot what percentag
e we we ended up agreeing upon, but that's not so important. The point is thaaat: this isn't the way I pictured my first hour long talk with my first boyfriend. I wanted it to be a passionate sharing hour, sharing of secrets, stories, and embarassing things you can only tell eachother; an hour of contemplating things that are important or really hilarious with one another. An hour of comfort and security, fun and non-stop. But hey, I'm sure that I probably just watch too many chick flicks. The main point: our conversations still weren't up to par.
The other problem I had with him was how many girls he talked too. I guess I'm kinda weird, but I actually didn't get jealous when he talked to girls. I just got annoyed. I mean, it's like I felt that him consistently calling and texting other girls who weren't me was like saying, "Hey, you're not enough to keep me entertained, so ima just go and text all these pretty girls. Some might be prettier than you, but I still like you." Was I not enough? Truthfully, it was much more of an esteem thing than it was a jealously thing. I'm sort of insecure sometimes, but I'm the type of insecure person who doesn't make it obvious by putting down other people or saying how scared I am of being hurt. I just keep it in and smile.
____
FOUL; walk back to first base!
Movies. WOW; me and ExBoyfriend saw a whole lot of movies together. I actually kept all the ticket stubs just for the memories. OH and at the time when the two of us were still together I actually thought that maybe one day after we were a couple a long time it would be a super cheesy and romantic and cute gift to make some kind of present with them and give it to him as an anniversary present to show how much the little things means to me and value the fun times we had together. Well, that won't be happening anytime soon. But anyway. Back on subject.
So we saw a lot of movies together due to the fact that there were only two things that we could find to do together. These things were:
a.) have lunch at some cheap, yet yummy restaurant together (We always ended getting two of the #1 on the menu, same ol' same ol' every time.)
b.) see a movie together and spend the whole time making out and never actually paying attention to the moving pictures on the screen (I wonder what those movies were really about.)
The first couple of times were very innocent, just his arm around me and me leaning far out of my seat so I could lean my head against his shoulders or chest and every so often I'd lean up and we'd kiss each other. It was like cuddling basically. The first couple times we made out he was kind of... very sloppy. Not sloppy to the point where it was disgusting, but...I'll explain. His mouth was a teensy bit slobbery. His lips were always soft though, so that was a plus. But oh man, his tongue, I don't think he knew exactly what to do with it at times. Mostly our tongues were just touching one anothers' and uh, I don't know how to explain exactly what our tongues were doing. But I (Being the smart, inexperienced girl I was, Googled how to make out correctly. Score one for That Girl? Oh yes. But shh, you never heard this from me. Winkwink.) did a lot of swirling mine around his.
By the way; As for me being so detailed about everything:
this blog post is meant to be as detailed and truthful as possible. I highly condone freedom of speech, but if I have any very young readers reading this blog post, I would very much like to tell you now that I would prefer you skip the majority of this part of the post, as well the "Is this the only reason you love me?" part. I'm no preacher now, hell nah, but I truthfully believe it isn't appropriate for anyone under the age of 13 to read. Just read some American Girl books, man I loved those when I was a "tween." All in all: discretion is advised!
But anyway.
So we did a whole lot of making out in theaters. We saw literally every interesting movie that came out. The first time we made out in the theater he kept tickling me because he'd discovered my horrible secret:
I am dreadfully ticklish. And guys love to get my spastic reaction from being tickled, from what I've been told.
He would tickle me until he was practically pinning me down so that I was like laying flat against our two seats, with my feet on the ground. The first thing he did whenever we saw movies was lift up the cup-holder in between our two seats. And he always sat on my left. I don't know why, but I always felt more comfortable if he was on my left. But anyway, it was just innocent fun when he tickled me.
Oh, another thing. I guess I'm a natural at kissing, because later that day when we first did a little making out, he asked me how many guys I've kissed before and I think he said that it seemed like I've kissed quite a few, or something like that. I was very flattered. And then I outright lied and said I kissed all 3 of my past exes. My actual non-existent exes.
So, it seemed like every time we went to see a movie, he'd try to get a little further with me each time. Eventually, he tried to get his hand in my shirt.
I have small boobs. Like really, I'll be frank with you here (And you can be Joe. Ha-ha! Get it? Like, I'm Frank and you're Joe? HA. I know I'm pretty funny, don't gotta say a word. Or gimme that look on your face.) My boobs are actually small to the point that I like think of myself as having big boobs for a flat girl. OR, a very obese twelve-year old boy for instance. You know, except mine are a little more shapely. I mean, looking in the bright side, at least mine are pretty perky and round looking.
He kept trying to touch my boobs. I kept playfully telling him to stop but he'd still playfully try to put his hand down my shirt when we kissed. He kept on asking me and trying to do it. And for some reason, one day I let him. I don't know exactly why, except that I was curious. I mean, to be blunt, I was curious and wanting to get every experience (within what I thought of reason) harmless as they were, out of this relationship. I was simply Curious George, with "That Girl" in place of "George" natch.
It was actually on a double date with my best friend that I let it happen. Yes, yes I know: gasp, you whore. You must be thinking. It's not like she was watching, or her boyfriend. They saw absolutely nothing of it, they were around the front row (because we were movie hopping and came inside the theater late we got horrible seats) and we were more towards the front-middle section. He had this bigger sized black North Face jacket he always wore when we went to the movies and we used it as blanket between the two of us. It was the last 10 minutes or so of the movie and I decided what the hell I guess I could let him. So, under this black jacket-blanket he put his hand down my shirt and well, yeah. He generally just lightly squeezed and ran his fingers over them. And he said, "So big," lightly to me too. Which pretty much puts a fat check mark next to "Inexperienced" by his name if you ask me. The girl with the practically-flat chest having big boobs? Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense. It was kind of an exciting experience. Little ol' me, boring That Girl living on the edge for the first time. This probably made me the most experienced out of all my closest friends at this point.
But after we got out the movie and he waited at the bus stop with me so I could catch a bus home, I was feeling ashamed. I told him a couple times at the bus stop that I felt like I was "sucha whore." And he kept reassuring me that I wasn't because I only let him do it, and he was my boyfriend, and I wasn't doing it all the time or with other guys. I guess that makes sense but I still felt ashamed. I could feel myself blushing red and I couldn't help feeling like people would take a look at me, and immediately know I let a boy touch my boobs even though we had only been going out for about a month and then I would be labeled a slut and ridiculed throughout my high school life as news spread of my sin. But no. I was just paranoid and insecure. I also assumed he would tell all his friends about it. And then it would spread that I was easy or something. I told him that, and he didn't get what "easy" meant. English wasn't his strongest subject, nor was typical teenage slang such as "easy," "ditto", and "shank." Seriously. I had to explain those terms to him. Anyway. But I later found out that he doesn't at all tell his friends about his personal love life when it comes to how far he's gone with a girl or what he does with her. I assumed all guys were like John Tucker, telling all his friends if he was about it "hit it" or whatever. ExBoyfriend seemed to find the thought of telling his friends this stuff very unappealing, almost appalling or mostly just unthinkable. The thought literally never occurred in his head to tell his friends about it. After he told me that, a big weight lifted off my shoulders.Looks like I can trust this guy after all. Maybe I could trust him with more?
____
I Think I could Love You
This is what many people would call the "honeymoon stage" of a relationship. It didn't last long at all, but it was fun while it lasted.
Me and Exboyfriend started talking on the phone more often and I can't quite remember what it was we talked about, it was never anything deep. Usually just kidding around and talking about how our day went, how cute the other person was. Ya' know, the usual cheesy stuff you have goin' on in a relationship.
This is the time when you start pondering about what love is, if you're in it per say. Now, I'd love to say that I fell in love with this boy and reaccount how it feels to be in love, but I must say that the infatuation eventually wore off.
But let's just pretend I didn't just say that. Lemme tell you about the time I thought I could be falling in love.
We talked on the phone and texted constantly. Literally every waking hour we were communicating either in person, on AIM, through texting, or trying to find something to talk about the phone. He walked me to SkyHigh every morning I went and we saw every decent movie that came out at least once. I've never seen so many crappy movies in my life. Though every teenager who has been in a relationship before know that when you watch a movie with your girlfriend or boyfriend, you watch the person their with more than you watch the film.
I liked having him be there be there for my consistently. I don't have much consistently in my life and so that's something I've always wanted to have in the back of my head. It's comforting, and it can sometimes be a red herring to a relationship.
We talked on the phone every night. Sometimes it was about nothing, well okay, it was pretty much always talking about nothing, but it was still nice. We even found ways to talk on the phone when our moms were in the next room to us (hello pillow over head!) and talked and talked. There's just something nice knowing that you are the last person to talk to them before they go to sleep, the last thing on their mind and vice versa. He went to sleep later than me so when I was getting too sleepy to stay awake anymore I'd head to bed and call him to chat. I usually tried to stay up with him, but not always. When we both got sleepy at the same time we'd talk on the phone until we had heavy eyelids and had to say goodnight. "Good night, I love you. Call me in the morning." The words never really changed.
At one point, his family decided they were going on vacation and so he went with them. To Disneyland I believe, then to Vegas. The lucky duck. He texted me the whole time, and we still talked on the phone at night when his family wasn't around. Every time he got on and off a ride he'd text me all the details about it, and yeah that was a little much but I liked knowing that I was on his mind. He said he missed me and of course I missed him too. He wanted to get me something from Vegas and he surprised me with a stuffed animal when he came back. It was two monkey side by side with the guy monkey kissing the girl monkey on the cheek. The monkeys were a little ugly to be truthful, but I still found it very cute of him to get. Although I still wonder if his family found it weird that he picked that as his prize at whatever game he was playing to win it.
We went to eat and to the movies the first time I saw him when he came back, then to the park a little while as a double date with my best friend. We took a picture together on a park bench, which of course ended up being our matching profile pictures on Facebook with all out friends "liking" it and whatnot.
But something happened while he was in Vegas that I'm not proud about. I still feel bad reliving the memory of it.
NO I did not cheat on him, but I lied about something. He found out eventually, yes, and it was the day he gave me the monkey stuffed animals that he found out.
You probably actually aren't interested in hearing the details about it, so I'll sum it all up for you as briefly as I can.
Summer was ending soon and so all us SkyHigh people wanted to have one last bang adventure, so we decided to sleepover at my house. Although, Ex-Boyfriend distinctly told me that he did not want the guys sleeping over at my house, he said that only girls could. I asked my best friend to invite everyone to the thing for me, so I wouldn't have to spread the word about the party myself. I told her also though, that ExBoyfriend did not want the guys to sleepover. She told me she had the whole thing covered. But then the day arrived and what do ya know, the guys are all telling me that yes, their parents are letting them sleepover. I couldn't turn them down now, with everyone putting so much effort into having their parents let them spend a night from home! Parents are so strict about that stuff. And so, I let them sleepover. No, nothing bad happened. But yes, I let them when Exboyfriend specifically told me not to. I didn't know what to do, so I did something stupid. I lied to him. I texted him around midnight that all the guys went home when they really just got to my house. I felt terrible the whole time. Concerned and guilty. I didn't even sit next to any guys the whole time, but that's besides the point. I lied. I lied a bad lie and I even told him that he could trust me because they really went home. But they didn't. And I'm a bad person for lying about that. I still feel bad.
So yeah. He found out. How? The day the 4 of us double-dated again, my best friend was running her mouth about just about everything she could think of to me while our boyfriends sat at our sides on a park bench, soaking up the last of our summer days. I told her many, MANY times before not to ever mention the sleepover. Then she starts talking and blabbing randomly. She says something like, "Oh yeah, remember when most of the guys were asleep on the couch and I put a grape up Johnny's nose?" I swear my heart stopped when she mentioned the guys asleep. At my house. On my couch. I was speechless a good 10 seconds. Which sounds short but feels like eternity. I wonder if ExBoyfriend heard it, because he had earphones in his ear and I wasn't sure of how loud his music was playing. I was freaking. Out. I whispered to BestFriend that she wasn't supposed to mention the guys. She opens her eyes wide and says something like, "Oh yeah huh? Sorry..." I swear on my life I was planning to, on my own, fess up about the sleepover thing later that day to him once we were alone. I was waiting for the right time. He wasn't supposed to find out like this. Ex-Boyfriend asks BestFriend to go on the slide with her for a second. I know he's asking about what she just said.
Eventually, the couples separate and I feel so betrayed and guilty and embarrassed. My best friend just dug my grave for me and now I had to find a way out.
He was a gentleman about it. And that made me feel like shit. He didn't yell at me, didn't say anything mean. Didn't call me a "lying skank hoe" or anything like that. Which, of course, just made me feel more guilty. I was planning on tell him later in the day, I WAS! I swear on it. I just wanted to find the right moment when we were alone. My cheeks turned red. You'll never guess what he told me on our bus ride together.
He just looked at me with my shamed, pouty face and said, "I know I should be really pissed off at you right now but you look so sad and I can tell you feel bad; so how could I be mad at you?" I just kept saying sorry. I broke his trust, I know. I suck for doing that. He had to go work at his parent's cafe after and we decided that since I did something wrong, he just wasn't going to wait at the bus stop with me. He texted me and kept saying it's okay. But lying is never okay really.
Time went on. School started and we continued doing our thing. Texting and phone calls. Eating pho and watching movies. We talked constantly.
He became the first person I thought of in the morning and the last person I thought of at night. I always called or texted him in the morning since I woke up earlier, I enjoyed hearing his voice or simply getting that "Good Morning Baby" message. It's the little things that matter, the little things that count and make your day worthwhile. At night I always got that, "Gnight, sweet dreams, I love you baby. <3 =]" kind of message leaving me smiling as I swiftly fall into one of those restful sleeps, knowing that somebody's got my back no matter what. It's the comfort that relationships provide. That's what I like about them. I don't like uncertainty of being single.
Sometimes, he'd get jealous. I'd hang out with a group of friends, coed, and he'd act like he was in disgust of the thought of me "having fun with another boy" (that's what he'd say). If I texted a guy, he looked through my phone. I always deleted my sent messages because my phone was weaksauce and therefore could only hold a certain amount of messages at one time. It was cute that he got a little jealous. In some way, someone being jealous of you or another person holding your attention can be some kind of twisted way of saying that they admire you. Or care about you enough to be jealous. With limits of course. I don't mean some stranger on the street liking your watch and therefore being so jealous of you that they bust out their AK47 and shoot the hell out of you. Limits. Limits are good.
One day, we just saw a movie and he had to work that day and so I decided to go home early. I told him he didn't hafta wait with me at the bus stop since he had to work and he said alright. I wait at the bus stop a good 3 minutes waiting for that bus and then he randomly comes up behind me with a hug. I turn around and he asks me to go to Walgreens with him to get school supplies for his little brother. I wonder why he came back and he says that he missed me.
"You've only been gone like 3 minutes!" I quip.
"5 minutes was too long for me. I missed you," he replies.
And so we make our way through the neighborhood to Walgreens, hand perfectly fitting in hand.
____
"Is this the only reason you love me?"
To keep myself from going batshit crazy in thoughts, I wrote in my real diary for a little while. The one I write in, by hand, when I can't get to a computer and need some real ranting out of my system. I can't quite find the right words to put this part of this post and so I'm going to just copy down what I wrote in my real diary and put it here. It's really hard to talk about this subject for me, especially when it reminds me of old feelings of being ashamed of myself. You could guess what I'm about to talk about, but I would like to clearly state this first: I am not a role model. Do not mistake my story for a green light to do whatever you are thinking of doing, just try to learn from my mistakes; that's all 'ol That Girl can hope for with this blog.
"We've been broken up over a week now [...]
I never told anyone about this honestly, so take head in what I'm about to say, Diary. So sometimes [when me and him were going out] I cut class, not often enough to get in trouble mind you [actually, a little later in the year I did get called into the counselor's office as I was questioned about my random absences.], and he'd say, "Okay well if you're not going to school, neither am I. Meet me up; you're going out today, no staying home." And after talking about it, we decided to go to my house 3 different times.
Before we started going out and before we saw our first movie together with the hand-holding and all, we were talking about what we should do when we hangout. We ended up seeing a movie, natch, but he asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him that guys always make ME plan so why can't a guy I'm hanging out with plan the day instead of me? He joked that it's because if a guy was planning, he'd say, 'Let's go to my house!' and so I should 'never let a guy plan lols!' or something of that sort. When we were cutting school to hangout, he said, "How about your house?" And we laughed about that idea, but then I asked him if he seriously wanted to? And of course, he did.
We'd meet up downtown and take the bus to my mom's new, empty house (I had been staying at my mom's older house and my mom was at work).
[I loved the bus rides with him on the way there. He'd put has arm around me and hold me tight in the seat next to him, and for some reason he was always really sleepy, so he'd kind of sleep on my shoulder. I thought it was really cute, even though some girls or guys might find a guy sleeping on his girlfriend's shoulder weak or pathetic. People always looked at us in jealousy, or with sweet looks in their eyes. Especially the old people. They looked at me and smiled sweetly, because though it was obvious we were skipping school, it almost seemed okay. The more time I spent with him the better. Eventually we started playing this kissing game on the bus, where we would play roe-sham-boe or sticks and the loser had to kiss the other person on the cheek. People always looked at us, but we didn't care. I kept losing though, and so he'd feel bad for me and randomly kiss me on the lips. Then I had a winning streak and we retired from our kissing games for a while, the sore loser. It was fun though. One time he fell asleep on my shoulder and when he woke up, the first thing he said was, 'I wake up and the first thing I see is a beauty next to me.' He earned a smooch on the lips.
The first time he came to my house it was FUN. We basically just made out, had a pillow fight, and wrestled eachother on my bed.
[I don't really want to go into the detail on my blog the kind of stuff I put into my diary, so I'll just condense it into some more appropriate pros.]
I changed into a skit so I'd be more comfy and he told me I had sexy legs as we made out. Nobody told me that before :')
He kept trying to put his hand up my skirt but I playfully pushed his hand away. "I know a way!" he'd jokingly say and as we made out I'd be distracted from the tongue action and he'd try sneaking his hand up there again. It was kind of fun, we kept cracking up and then making out again. At one point we were kind of getting too into it and so I told him we should stop before we got too far, he agreed friendlily of course. We were playing around pillow fighting and I got on top of him to pin him down, the boy is quite strong. As I was on top of him, he told me to check the time on his phone. The phone was a couple feet away and just to mess with him a little I kept saying "Oh I can't reach it" while sliding myself towards the table with the phone over and over again. He started making, "Ohh" and "Sss" sounds and I was like cracking up and he sort of was too. Finally he couldn't take it anymore, and unpinned himself from under me and reached his phone himself. "Oh my god you are soo...!" he'd say like always.
The day was fun. The only buzzkill? I found out I was on my period when I went to the bathroom. And you know how I pinned him down on the bed and kept reaching for his phone while I had a skirt on? Yeah...there were some stains on his jeans. But it was funny in some way. On the bus ride away from my house I kept looking at the stains on his jeans and apologizing while half-laughing after I told him, "It looks like you killed someone." He mugged at me. I cracked up.
But the next time we went to my house it was more serious. We almost had sex. Almost, but we didn't have any condoms or anything so that would be a bad idea. For some reason, the idea of losing my virginity to this guy seemed secure. He wasn't one of those jerks to go tell their friends about it and he seemed to really care for me, under all the playing around and pointless arguing crap. But you'll never believe what happened on this day.
We're in my room, in my bed talking about something when all of a sudden,
my MOM comes in the front door. I'm supposed to be at school this day, mind you. I jump out of bed and slam my bedroom door shut. I found out later this day that she was off work because of jury duty. Of all days...!!
We spend about 2 hours trying to figure out how to get ExBoyfriend out my house without my mom seeing. This is some made-for-TV shit. He even opens my window and we contemplate if he could jump out of it. But the distance to the ground is too high and my mom's minivan is in the way. You shoulda seen it. My window is open and he's like sitting/crouching on the ledge of the window wondering if it would be possible to get down from there, while all the neighbors stare. Like 3 old women walk by and stare at the spectacle and stare. And they're probably all just thinking, "Poor mother with that slut of a daughter in there." We even tie together a couple belts and scarves and ponder if it'll hold up his weight if we tie it against something. Then we nixed that idea. Because it was stupid.
Eventually, my mom goes outside to the backyard to garden and ExBoyfriend texts me, "I love you! =]" as he runs out the front door, to the bus stop. This was around the prime time of our relationship. The next time though? Well, then things get serious.
I have learned so much from this next part. Pretty much it all comes down to: Don't rush. Don't get into it with someone so much that you forget all the repercussions of your actions. Regret works more than one way.
Basically, we almost had sex again. But this time...well he got it in for about 15seconds and then we changed our minds and decided not to. But I do believe that this 15 seconds changed everything. I feel now that it was a terrible mistake. I asked him trying not to be too accusatory, "Is this the only reason you love me?" He says, "Did you just ask if this is the reason I love you?" He looks offended, a little hurt maybe. I nod my head. He says, "No, if this was the only reason then I wouldn't still stick with you after all of this. Wow, do you really think I'm that kind of guy?" I feel a little guilty for asking. But a girl's got to wonder. The whole relationship just changed after that though, suddenly it was like he didn't care about me as much. I mean...okay so after we left my house that day, I went to go visit his school with him so I could go see my best friend there.
On the bus ride, he asks me, "If people ask you if you still are, ya know, what are you going to say?" I tell him I'd say yes. He asks me what I think he'd say if somebody asked him if he was still a virgin. I tell him, "I think you'd say no." He looks offended again. "I'm not like that," he tells me. He looks kind of hurt but I'm truthfully surprised. "So you'd say yes?" I ask. He says, "Yeah, of course I'd say yes."
But once we got to his school it sort of felt like he didn't want me there with him, even though he distinctly asked me to go there with him in the first place. We were by his locker and he kept saying, "Where's your best friend? Where is she? Where is she?" like as if he was impatient to get rid of me. What the hell was that. Rude.
OH yeah, and then while I'm by his side waiting for my best friend to get there, the girl I previously mentioned who he used to like, comes over to him and says, "Come over here!" waving him over to a few feet away. I'm just like... bitch back the hell away from him. Of course, I can't really say that though. So he goes like, "No, you come over here!" and he's smiling all happily like they're flirting or some shit even though she has a boyfriend and his girlfriend is like oh yeah RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.
(source: ayyyesonny, via cheraustria)
(that girl): even worse when it's your boyfriend and the girl who enjoys leading him on is 2 feet away from your face
So she comes over and he introduces us. She's tall. Pretty. The kind of girl guys would think is "cute."
"OH," she says, "I didn't see her there!"
Where's the apology, rude bitch?
We say hi awkwardly and I dislike her right off the bat. You suck at first impressions you flirt.
Now, don't take me wrong. I don't judge many people right off the bat. I barely harbor any distaste in girls, but she's the exception. I did not like her. And to this day, I do not like her.
____
The Thought That Counts.
Soon enough, quick as the blink of an eye; it was no longer a summer fling but our 2 Month Anniversary. I'm always late with things...late to school, late for meeting up friends, late to dates, but unfortunately I'm also late with gifts. I know, my new years resolution? BE ON TIME! Oughta stamp it on my left hand or something. I've noticed I always look at my left hand's nails, not my right. Anyways.
2 Month Anniversary time meant that it was time to get that special present for that special someone. The sad thing about relationships though, is that you can have a special someone but not at all feel like they think you're special.
Both of us went to different schools and so this obviously created distance between us. Some couples use this to their advantage, making time out of their week several times a week to see their babyboo, but others barely put up the effort to see the person they consistently say they love. Even if it's only a 20 minute bus ride away. The two of us saw eachother once a week. Every Sunday, except for once in a while when we skipped a Sunday on account of something making one of us busy (it was always him just saying he was lazy actually).
I mean, we talked constantly. But it was never ABOUT anything, unless we were in person and had one of those rare "sharing moments". We texted literally every waking hour of the day, and talked on the phone twice a day; once in the morning I called him to wake him up for school and once at night we talked for hour an hour or so. The time frame on night phone calls slowly decreased from hours of talking from underneath our pillows so our moms wouldn't hear, to minutes when I called him when I got home and he would miss my call and then call me back saying to text him or go on aim. It was a dissapointing, yet gradual process. I missed the long phone calls, didn't care for banter on aim. What happened to us.
I felt unappriciated, but didn't bring it up much. One time I said to him, "Did you know that I see BestFriend (who goes to the same school as him) more times a week than I see you?" and he looks and me and says, "Are you saying you think I don't spend enough time with you?" Now, I'm not one to look clingy. It's not my thing, I think clinginess is degrading towards yourself and your self-worth. So even if I'm desperately wanting to go off on him about how he never wants to see me, but says he loves me, but doesn't want to put any effort into actually spending time with me, which is the point of a high school relationship ain't it?, and makes me feel like I'm not good enough. But I can't say that. So I just say, "No." And he says, "Okay then." I always felt like he would only change things he knows hurts me or is doing wrong, if I asked him to. Then he would. But I don't want to ask; he already knows. Just doesn't care.
We met up the day before our 2 month anniversary (the anniversary was on a Monday, but don't ask me that date because I completely forgot it by now; unfortunately I still knoe his phone number by heart though) since it was Sunday. Who know that the day we celebrate being together 2 months would be the last date we'd ever have. One of those learning lessons I suppose, appriciating what you have and savoring it while it lasts. Like a Twix bar. I always eat those suckers slowly to make it last longer. Anyway.
We went to go eat pho at some place we'd already eaten at like 10 times before. He told me there were no good movies out and I wasn't surprised (we'd seen ALL the movies out at the time, some we even saw 2 or 3 times; not that it matters since I didn't actually watch any of them and I barely know what a few of them were about). Before we started eating, he showed me this box he had which he announced was my present. He made me guess for a while what it was, I said every type of jewlery and he kept saying it was wrong. Then I had a flashback of him a few weeks back asking me over the phone about what kind of jewlery I have or wear. I thought it was going to be a ring because I told him I didn't have any rings (but that wasn't it, "you said you didn't have any rings so I thought you didn't like them," he explained to my hidden dissapointment. I want a ring dude!) but when I opened it up I found it to be a silver neckalce with a heart pendant.
I liked it, it wasn't amazing but I did like it. Truthfully, after I wore it a couple more times, I realized the chain was too small for me because the heart came up unusually high around my collarbone area. But I smiled and happily accepted it. He wondered if I thought it was real or fake and I guessed fake, ust because I figured a real expensive neckalce would be too much for the little time we'd been together. But he looked offended (always accidentally offending this here guy) and said it was real. He said I could even look at the reciept if I wanted. Of course I declined. According to him it was about 100 dollars and he bought me another piece of jewlery too for my birthday present which I'd get when my 16th birthday came up. But my birthday wasn't for another like 6 months or something! He really planned on staying with me for so long? And here I was thinking during summer that he probably was only interested in a summer fling. 200 dollah dollah bills? July to March? NINE MONTHS?! Blew my mind.
But if you think about it. What's an expensive necklace anyway? Just an item, bought with money. He has money, it's not like it was a huge feat for him to obtain such a valuable piece of jewelry purchased at a stand in the mall. Because really?
I would much rather prefer some crappy homemade gift he spent time on rather than some random necklace with a heart pendant hanging from it. So...predictable, I mean it just wasn't very sincere feeling. Like, it was just like, here's an expensive necklace with a heart on it. girls like this shit, it's stereotypical but take some MEANING from the heart girl!
I kind of felt like it was like a "hush present". Like you know how you bribe people with hush money to keep them from talking about something? Well, now I know in relationships you get hush presents from stirring up trouble or breaking up with them. It just wasn't enough, it didn't make sense.
I see this boy ONCE A WEEK, he doesn't miss me one bit as it apparently seems, but he says he loves me every day and talks to me every waking hour literally, and gives me a heart necklace. It this supposed to cancel out the fact that he never wants to see me? Why didn't he want to see me? What's wrong with me? Maybe if I was prettier or hotter...he'd want to see me more. He'd like me more. He might end up loving me, and not leaving me.
Of course, that's all the paranoia of a relationship, something which nobody could really understand unless they were there the whole time reading my mind.
Now you are probably wondering if this guy, my boyfriend at the time, got me a nice-donkey-behind necklace for our anniversary, what was I to get him as a present in return?
I'd already made him a friendship bracelet for our 1 month anniversary (stayed up until like 4 in the morning making it actually) and it's not like he was a guy with a particular interest in anything such as race car driving (I could get tickets to a show!), reading novels (I could pick him up a book at Barnes & Noble while I browse for books for myself!), or cooking (Naturally, I'd pick up my phone and dial The Food Network's emergency number and go, "Yo, I need you guys to do me a favor of sorts..."). But no. He only liked a few things. Here's what I could come up with:
Gaming online with friends
Music
Making Out
Seeing movies (So we could make out)
Eating Pho (After seeing a movie and making out) .
And so, we came to the conclusion that I'd get him an ITouch as both an anniversary present and a birthday present, and maybe it'd count as a Christmas present too.
(Not that'd we'd actually make it that far. WHOOPS, spoiler alert.)
First he'd say, "No it's too expensive!" But I said I had enough for it, and he said we'd share it then.
What I didn't tell him though, is that I literally busted open my little containers of quarters and nickles and dimes and counted up exactly how much I needed if I wanted to buy him this present. I didn't let him know how much effort was going into this task.
And so, we went to the Apple Store. Me, secretly harboring a hundred dollar bill, some some bills, and a crapload of coins jiggling and counted up in my purse, ready to be cast off to a sales representative. (I probably stayed up until 3 that day too, counting my coins this time)
And so we went inside with every intention of my future bankruptcy in exchange for a newest generation ITouch. He, of course, thought I had lots of extra cash ready to blow like freakin' Shamu the whale blasting water out his blow hole.
My friends, naturally, thought I was insane.
"2 MONTHS?! REALLY?" They had asked me when I mentioned what I was planning on buying him. I showed my necklace to them, "See?" I said. It WAS expensive to buy me a necklace like this for two months, and it WAS expensive to buy him in ITouch for months. But if it was going to last, then who gives a shit? Then again, everybody had doubts it was going to last.
"What's next, a TV? Maybe a CAR the month after?" They asked me, mocking me a bit. In reality, maybe it was a little stupid to think of buying him a gift like this, but the money really didn't matter to me to much, as much as I hoped he liked it. I don't know...I'm one of those girls who just wants to be happy and have a boyfriend that's happy right along with me. I just want everything to be good, you know? With all the crappy things in life, why pick apart little things if it makes you happy, why pick apart the big things too? If I could be supportive and faithful and hopeful of a full and joyful relationship, then why pick it apart to pieces?
In the end, I ignored everybody's remarks to "NO, don't buy it, you'll regret it", and headed off to the Apple Store with him .
We go in line. Ready to spend hard-earned cash. My hard earned-cash.
And...
DUN DUN DUN .
They are sold out. Come again next time. Want a business card? Okay, call before you come in next time. Sorry, have a nice day.
I leave the store disappointed and truthfully, a bit relieved not knowing why. He said it was alright, and I just nodded. We leave, hand-in-hand as normally, and head to go get ourselves lunch. Yet another average, slightly boring, day passes by, and life goes on.
And looking back, it seems as though I'd have dodged yet another bullet.
Of course, I'm making things sound much more dreary then they necessarily..actually no, wait...these days were pretty dang dreary.
So later on in the week my phone ends up breaking, and we talk on AIM the remainder of the time. We talk about how our days went and about me wanting to get him an ITouch still, and we look at them online. We figure out that they get get engraved and I ponder in my spare time what message I'd put on it.
"Roses are red, violets are blue..." That's unoriginal, I think.
"The sun rises and sets around our love. I love you." HAH, good one, I think.
"Love you baby boo!" That's stupid, I know!
I would continue on to think of what to say on the engraving, though our relationship itself would soon being seeing an early grave.
I kept the website page as a bookmark-tab thing on my Google Chrome and clicked on it daily to look over the space where I was supposed to type in my message. I was legitly going to buy this thing once I came up with the right words, as fate had it though, it'd never quite find the right words.
Looking back, I think I know the right thing I could have written.
He would have liked it as:
"For the guy who makes my wishes come true: know that I love you. We'll always have 11:11 babe."
_____
"I think you used to look better."
At this point in the relationship, he's been acting cold and not nice anymore.
This actually happened over a year ago...so I don't remember the details anymore of what happened...so let's just say that he told me "I used to look better" on our last date we ever had. It ended with an awkward kiss as he tried to kiss me and I ended up turning to the side and feeling strange. You kind of know when something is off in a relationship...and this is where it started getting weird.
_____
It's just 3 words, 8 letter. That's all?
Again...I started this post a year ago and so I can't quite remember what what my thoughts were at this point in time, but BASICALLY, we were never seeing eachother; but still saying the overused and senseless phrases of "good night , love you" & "bye, I love you".
You know, at some point...
words are only words. If words aren't acted upon with actions, then they really are a waste of breathe. They result to nothing, they are the equivalent of taking out math homework and writing bullshit answers nobody can possibly comprehend.
____
"If you won't do it over the phone, I will."
We talked last night.
We were texting and I just couldn't put it off any longer. I told him that we needed to talk. "About what..." he said. But he knew. I told him I wanted to meet him up the next day to talk about it, but he wouldn't. I told him I didn't want to talk about it over the phone, but he simply replied, "If you won't do it over the phone, I will." After some banter he texted me "It's either you say it or I say it". I called him and we talked. I found out that he flunked out of his high school and is moving to a different city. The past 2 weeks haven't been going well. First he asked if I wanted a break, but I said no, not a break. He told me to choose what I wanted to do. But I told Boyfriend I couldn't right then and there. I said I'd call him the next day.
"K" he replied in text.
Right after we got off the phone my eyes started tearing and I called the one person I knew I could call: ExBestFriend. We talked and my voice cracked as I tried not to bawl. We talked for about 20 minutes, and then I called my brother. I asked him about breakups and felt surprisingly fine after we hung up from a chat we had for over an hour. Somehow I felt like a break was all we needed...like we could stop talking for a while and see if we miss eachother. It was a "breakup with hope" as my brother called it. But I read online about people who took breaks and happily continued relationships. I thought that a break was the solution.
Some space and we could make it through the rut.
____
How a Heart Breaks.
I've cried into a pillow, which at the moment I'm clutching to my chest since it's the last thing I can hold on to, sobbing my eyes out for this guy who just told me he didn't care. "just don't think about it" he said. Everyone is saying
what a jerk, you can do better
and I know the relationship wasn't working out, but I didn't want to let go...
I can do better? What if I don't WANT better?
What if I want what I now can't have? What if I didn't care when he cared...but started caring immensely when he said he didn't care anymore?
I wasn't ready to break up at that moment. We weren't communicating right anymore. We weren't seeing eachother. He's moving, and that would mean we would see eachother even less.
I called him, and he asked, do you want to do this on AIM instead. I quickly denied the idea. "So say it," he says bluntly, not showing any care in his voice at all. I tell him that I changed my mind and would rather do this on AIM. "Okay," he says. And we say "bye" ... "bye" .
I said I wanted a break, but according to him, we had been on a break the past 2 weeks. Where the fuck he got that idea I'm not sure. He says a break would just make things worse.
"I care about you alot"
but I'm really confused right now" I tell him.
The first time I have ever been full-blown honest leap with a guy about how I feel towards him without him saying it first or asking. It was a big leap for me.
His reply?
"lets just say idc.......
then yu dont have to think anymore
does that clear things up for yu?"
"You're saying you don't care anymore.
Is that what you're saying?"
"ya......does that clear things up for yu?"
"Well if that's how you really feel"
then I guess that's it then."
[then there was a ten minute pause which in he changed his relationship status on Facebook, and untagged himself in all the pictures of the two of us together]
"lol ok" he replies
"Glad to know you're so happy about it"
"wtf [then he says some shit I don't remember but I remember he asks why he would be happy about it]"
[Then there's some stupid banter where says he accidentally put the "lol". The whole time he talks I'm suffering a broken hurt and upset...really upset]
Finally he says: "i just don't know what to say to you"
"exactly." were my last words to him. They were the last words between both of us.
He stays on AIM still, most likely having like 5 conversations with other girls. I log out after 15ish minutes. I was only talking to him at the time.
As I write this post, it's been over a week, and we haven't talked at all. No contact from either parties.
The first week was rough, or at least the night we broke up. The night we broke up I was straight up SAD. I was bawling, typing messages to friends, tears on my keyboard as we talked on AIM, pillow with a big wet spot that I hug as I lay sprawled on my bed feeling like a part of me was missing.
I deleted the messages from him on my phone. All the texts, I deleted. I deleted the record of calls between us so I wouldn't like at the "1 hr and 45 min" next to his name reminding me of what used to be. I was sobbing so much while deleting the messages; must of which I kept because they said things like, "I know it's early in the morning, but I wanted to tell you that I can't stop thinking about you. I love you. :)" or "Because my gf is sooo perfectttt! =]".
He stopped caring. He said he loved you. He said he loved you everyday for almost 3 months. Just 3 days ago he said "Good night, sweet dreams. Love you (=" with the cheesy smiley face and cheesy-as-hell lines. Was he lying then? Or lying now? Did he ever even care? EVER?
Every day for the past 3 months we were talking all day, nonstop. A "good morning" in the morning, and a "good night" at night. Now it's no more cutting class to spend time with him. Our alone time, the time when we acted like ourselves without others there at the empty movie theater with deep conversations about our families, bus rides with strangers who glare at us with jealousy, or us laying on my bed cuddling without any inhibitions. When we had serious talks and I felt so loved. I felt like I was starting to love him. A compliment or cheesy line EVERYDAY, and now it has stopped completely. My whole entire life has been turned sideways, upside down, and spilling luggage from all sides. It's like I'm stuck at an airport with the plane taking off, people offer words of support but the words are of no help; there are other flights I can take, but:
the plane is still taking off without me. And I have no luggage.
____
Getting over Him
How bad it felt the first week, how it was still stinging the second week, how the third week felt really good compared to the previous .
Anybody who's been through a breakup, you probably know what I'm getting at here. You know what I mean, right?
I feel like the only way to truly get over somebody is to be truthful about how you felt about them and how you feel about them. Lying to yourself about your feelings shouldn't go on for more than a week after the breakup. Then comes the truth. I found that the only thing that actually helped me get over Ex-Boyfriend was writing a faux-text to him. I wrote out a long message detailing how I really feel about him, things I can never get off my chest and have the guts to tell him about. I saved the message as a draft on my phone (7 page draft!) to restate here on this blog and then I quickly deleted the draft on my phone to prevent any kind of accident wherein somebody I know knows the truth about how I feel about him.
This is what I wrote:
Even though I barely feel sadness when thinking of you, when I'm around the people an places that remind me of you, I feel an instant wave of unhappiness and uneasiness spread throughout me. My mouth decides to contract it's muscles in a downwards direction with me forcing them back up into the wide grin I wear oh very well and oftenly. I'll never be able to forget you, and I know that. I know that we were never meant to be in the first place, and I accept that. If you asked me out again I would say no. No because I still have some pride in me that says not to stoop down lower than you deserve and you can get a guy who doesn't treat you like a crappy lust object of his affection. But truthfully now? If you asked me out again, I might say yes. I might say yes because through the fake nonchalant ways I present myself in situations when your name is brought up in conversation, I wish that you'd like me again. Make it work out somehow. It's not even your body I'm attracted to, nor is it your off putting personality with defects all over the place. Maybe it's just the guilt? The guilt of "it" with the completely wrong person. That's it. I feel guilty about doing such a thoughtless and what's portrayed as a shameful thing to do. I would give practically anything to take back that day. And I mean that. I know that the only way I would no long feel guilty about what I have done would be to get back together with you. After thinking it over the past month without you, I have come to the correct, yet unappealing reason for my sadness when at places or with people who remind me of you; I just feel like a guilty, stupid little girl who can never make morally upright, just plain GOOD decisions on her own. Who has too bad of a judgment to know what's the correct thing to do. I had no guidance but myself and made a mistake I will probably regret the rest of my life. And it makes me sad. Unless we get back together that is. Then the shame and guilt and true regret will be lifted up out of me. That's the reason I would say yes to you. That's the only reason I can't get over you.
This is what I wrote:
Even though I barely feel sadness when thinking of you, when I'm around the people an places that remind me of you, I feel an instant wave of unhappiness and uneasiness spread throughout me. My mouth decides to contract it's muscles in a downwards direction with me forcing them back up into the wide grin I wear oh very well and oftenly. I'll never be able to forget you, and I know that. I know that we were never meant to be in the first place, and I accept that. If you asked me out again I would say no. No because I still have some pride in me that says not to stoop down lower than you deserve and you can get a guy who doesn't treat you like a crappy lust object of his affection. But truthfully now? If you asked me out again, I might say yes. I might say yes because through the fake nonchalant ways I present myself in situations when your name is brought up in conversation, I wish that you'd like me again. Make it work out somehow. It's not even your body I'm attracted to, nor is it your off putting personality with defects all over the place. Maybe it's just the guilt? The guilt of "it" with the completely wrong person. That's it. I feel guilty about doing such a thoughtless and what's portrayed as a shameful thing to do. I would give practically anything to take back that day. And I mean that. I know that the only way I would no long feel guilty about what I have done would be to get back together with you. After thinking it over the past month without you, I have come to the correct, yet unappealing reason for my sadness when at places or with people who remind me of you; I just feel like a guilty, stupid little girl who can never make morally upright, just plain GOOD decisions on her own. Who has too bad of a judgment to know what's the correct thing to do. I had no guidance but myself and made a mistake I will probably regret the rest of my life. And it makes me sad. Unless we get back together that is. Then the shame and guilt and true regret will be lifted up out of me. That's the reason I would say yes to you. That's the only reason I can't get over you.
I know every girl is supposed to come to have that all-knowing epiphany every time she goes through a heart-wrenching, gut...um... oh yeah, gut-busting(alright, maybe not gut-busting, that sounds quite painful) break-up. I talked myself into having that epiphany about 5 times before I really got over Ex-Boyfriend.
It felt like I was going to be PMSing indefinitely for some period of time. I would be all like, "YEAH, you know WHAT? I AM better off without him! I can DO BETTER!!!" and then hear a song that reminded me of him, wish he would be waiting at my front door steps when I got home late, and then I would go into a little depression and literally feel like I needed large quantities of chocolate to feel better. If you want to know the truth, I didn't get over him in a week like I told my best friend. I didn't get over him in a month like I told ExBestFriendForever. I didn't get over him in 2 months like I told LightBrightBarney. It took me 3/4 months. And it's only just about 5 days ago that I can legitly say that I wouldn't want to be with him again and really mean it. I don't want to make him jealous anymore. I feel no need to check his Facebook page and have my heart leap with nervousness to see if he's moved on and already started chatting up a new girl. I can actually look back at the whole experience and smile.
I can't believe it's been half a year since I met him. Summer to winter and I'm finally finishing up this post before it all just becomes a foggy memory in the back of my head, too hard to bring details and quotes from by then. I wish I had that fountain of memories thing that Dumbledore (spelling?) had in Harry Potter where he uses his wand to extract important details, events, and memories from his wizardly head into that blue, glowing pool of icky looking memories. I need one of those.
To wrap up this post FORREAL this time, here are ways to tell you are actually over your ex:
o You can hear a song you used to play from your iPod/computer while the two of you talked on the phone for hours at a time... without even thinking of him.
o You find that ugly stuffed animal monkey couple- you know, the one with hearts all over it... the one he won for you in Vegas on vacation while he texted you every 5 minutes because he couldn't get you off his mind. yeah that one-in your closet when cleaning your room and you feel strangely at ease knowing that it doesn't make you sad to see it anymore. (You know, varying on your situation. And, bonus points if you feel stupid for being how sad you were the night of the breakup when you thrashed about your room, stuffing the monkey he gave you deep into the inner cadavers of your messy closet. Because now you know he wasn't worth it.)
o Your ex is no longer your first thought in the morning nor the last person you think of when you go to bed, hell you barely ever think of them throughout the day; or you don't think of them at all anymore.
o You seriously don't want to be in a relationship with them anymore or ever again.
o You have no desire to make this person jealous.
o You actually don't care whatever it is they're doing right now, without you.
o You have a crush on someone else.
o Your heart doesn't leap and do somersaults around your lower intestine when someone brings their name into conversation, no more butterflies up in that stomach!
o You throughly comprehend (without sadness) what Dr. Seuss meant when he said,
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
_____
Rebound Boy & The Legacy of a Player.
Rebound Boy & The Legacy of a Player.
Pretty much, don't go on the rebound with a friend HAHA. I'll add more details to this later, but take this advice. It will not help you and a row of hickeys on your neck from a guy who you have no feeling for is not fun to have in P.E., constantly paranoid that your hair will blow backwards and reveal your bruise-like markings. Or your parents will think you got beat up.
But who're we kidding here, they know what's going on.
Especiaaally don't go on the rebound with a player if you are feeling weak emotionally.
_____
Reblogging (Chicken Soup for the Broken Heart)
I find that when you find somebody or something that you can relate to, you feel better. Less alone. At one point or another the past 6 months, or currently, these little things made me crack a smile or feel like shedding a tear and so I thought it might somehow benefit a reader of this blog. So yeah, I didn't write the stuff below, just reblogged it from Tumblr mostly. Why don't I just open a Tumblr account you may ask? I don't need people who I know reading my shit! I mean, does ExBoyfriend really need the ego boost knowing that he meant so much to me when I was so easy to forget in his little world? NO I don't think so.
Excuse me, I hafta go find my tissue box now! :D
.....
if he misses you, he’ll call just to hear your voice. if he wants you, he’ll say it. and if he cares, he’ll show it. if he has a thought about you, it will come out of his mouth. if you are on his mind non stop, he will do anything he can just to see you. if he truly likes you, he won’t let anything get in the way and fight back just to keep you in his arms. if not, he’s not worth your time because you’re obviously not worth his.
]
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If you like someone you should go tell them. Instead of just sitting there waiting and thinking that something will happen. Go and do something about it. Who knows if you tell that person that you like then maybe something will happen. So go and get the guts to tell. I know its pretty hard to tell someone you like them but you should get the guts to tell the one you like.
i wish i could build up the courage to .
yeah, whatever.
So Fucking True
- at first you would text me “Goodnight :]”
- it then turned into “Goodnight! :D”
- soon, it became “Goodnight (insert name)<3”
- and sure enough, it turned into your voice saying “Goodnight babe! I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
- Then, soon, it turned into your voice saying “Gnight.”
- and then it went back to texts, saying “Goodnight”
- and finally, it made its way to “Night.”
- And now, you don’t even say anything to me anymore.
]\
By the time it’s Valentine’s day
Imma be still single…
I guess at least once in your life someone walks in && gets into your heart, then they leave && all your left with is the huge gap && memories. Eventually it'll scar over, the pain will numb && fade away to the back of your mind, the memories will fade && lose their color, but it never goes away. No amount of stitches or words will ever heal it completely either.
No calls, no texts, nothing… but I’m still here thinking about you like crazy.
girl: your new girlfriend is pretty. (i bet she stole your heart)boy: yeah, she is. (but you’re still the most beautiful girl i know)girl: i heard she’s funny & amazing. (all the stuff i wasn’t)boy: she sure is. (but she’s nothing compared to you)girl: i bet you know everything about her by now (like how you knew just about everything about me)boy: only the stuff that count (i can’t even remember the stuff she tells me when i think of you)girl: well, I hope you guys last. (because we never did)boy: i hope we do too. (whatever happened to me & you?)girl: well i got to go. (before i start to cry)boy: yeah me too. (i hope you don’t cry)girl: bye. (i still love you)boy: later. (i never stopped)
Why do I even wait for you…
Why do I even bother to expect a call from you, expect a message from you, expect anything from you. Even when I know in the back of my mind that you aren’t, I still constantly check my phone for your calls and text, and I even check my tumblr and look at the messages to see if maybe just maybe you thought about leaving me something there. All I do is disappoint myself, sometimes I walk away from my phone leaving it for an hour or two feeling big and bad like a boss not giving two fucks but then after all that I run to my phone with a smile on my face with that deceiving feeling of knowing that you either called or texted, only just to find myself with a frown and a reason to keep my head down. It’s almost like I have my back turned walking the opposite direction from you, but my little big heart pulls my shirt trying to stop me and tell me that I’m not doing the right thing. I don’t really know what I’m doing from this point on, I’m kind of incomplete without you.
I miss you, please tell me if you do too…
Jill + Cory :: Just The Way You Are from KAI MEDIA on Vimeo.
==
I don’t want you to know that everything you say, or do effects me more than it should. Every time I show someone how much I care, they take advantage of it or they use it against me. It’s easier for me to front like you don’t matter to me at all. At least that way I can hide the fact you’re hurting me.
- STAGE 1:1-3 months = The Honeymoon Stage:
Everything seems perfect, both are happy and feeling “in love”. You share moments, dates, and just having fun with each other, sharing laughs and giggles. It’s like nothing could stop you. Your feelings are infinite, and for once you’re thinking ” This may work out.. ” and seems like nothing could go wrong. You spend hours getting ready before going out with this person.
- *If your relationship ended in this stage- Most likely, both rushed into the relationship to fast. Being together was all too sudden and just for the moment. When one starts noticing the flaws, one gets a choice to move foward, or back away. Being friends has a high percentage of working out, but nothing to stress over. Both maybe just need the time to know one another more.
- STAGE 2:4-6 months= The Bumpy Road:
Things are going okay now. The relationship is calm and settled; both are still mostly happy. Had a couple arguments and disagreements here and there, nothing huge. Start to notice some of each other’s flaws and aspects of their personality not seen before, but still truely care for one another.
- *If your relationship ended in this stage- You truly cared about this person. You had the energy to fight for this person, yet, you feel as if something was lacking, something was missing , it doesn’t feel right, one isn’t happy. When one isn’t happy, one tends to walk away to seek their new happiness. Being friends is still a possibility.
- STAGE 3:7-12 months = The Rocky Mountain:
You start to realize who your partner really is. A few more arguements may occur. Problems with jealously. Over protectiveness may rise. Other people may come in the picture. The “in love” momments start to decrease, but you feel as if, you’ve “fallin in love”. You tend to have this energy inside to strive and “make it work”, you feel more comfortable being around this person, feeling more of yourself.
- *If your relationship ends in this stage- You feel as if you’re hurt- depending on the circumstance. You were so sure that that person was “the one”. You were so SURE that he/she was different. But like a cancer, a problem that may have happened; a small issue, grew into something larger that took over what was made between two people. You still miss this person from time to time. You still remember the memories. Being friends may be difficult right away, but over time, you slowly mature up, and learn the reality of it.
- STAGE 4: 1 year or more = The Long Road:
- 1 2 3 4 5 years huh ? This person truly means something to you. You are “in love” with this person . He/She made a difference in your life. No one else knows you more than this person. You guys have been through the good, the bad, the ugly, and still strive to make it last.
- If your relationship ends at this stage - You feel heart broken; it’s tough. You can’t sleep, can’t eat, you miss him/her, you try to move on, you try meeting new people , but seems like nothing works. For whatever reason for the split, it must’ve been something important, or something must have been so wrong that it took over. Being “just friends” is impossible, because if you tried to be friends, you can’t think of them in any other way besides the one you once “loved” .
I wish I could go back to where things were great and happy. I’m telling this to all those guys out there. Cherish every moment when you’re with your girl and make the best of it. I’ve ruined my chances and really messed up.. and deep down I truly think girls should be treated more fairly. Right now I do have that feeling of wanting and missing my girl again, always cuddling with her and looking at her.. Whatever you do always make her happy no matter what. She looks to you when she wants to be taken care of. She’s sensitive and having her heart broken shouldn’t make you feel any better. Commitment is commitment no matter whether its a relationship or marriage. Treat your girl right.
(via xpotatoboi)
Forever a cockblock.
“In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.”
— The Five People You Meet in Heaven
I want you to fall for me so hard,
that you become scared to lose me. I want you to dwell in my existence; where a day without me would feel incomplete. I want you to fall as hard for me, as I’ll fall for you. I want you to remember me always, and I want you to chase after me when I push you away. I want you to pull me back when I’m trying to leave. I want to feel the reflexes of my own words. I want you to keep me grounded when I’ve done wrong. I want you to be relentless.
I don’t want any constrictions in my chest, but the bones that shapes our interest. I want you to fall so hard for me, that you realize you’ve never even felt this way about someone before.
And if I left, I would want every thing we ever shared to make you remember me. I want all the things we did, said, and never got to; to make you remember me by. I want to know you’ll fall so hard for me that if a song we shared came up on the radio; it would make you have this sudden sharp pain in your chest. And in those fleeting seconds, I hope you know how much you fell in love with me and how you can’t live without me. I hope then, you’ll come chasing after me.
It’s selfish I know, but I want to be the only girl you have your eyes on. I want to be the only girl you actually fell for. I actually want to be the girl you end up with. I want to know you’ll fight for me.
[I reblogged some of these wordy posts from:
because that girl is ah-mazing. She writes so good that I feel like my own compared to hers is just juvenile and I can't help seeing me as a person lacking integrity as well as moral up-righteousness when I think about what she posts. Her writing is art while mine is just a teenage girl going off on a tangent. Then again, that's true cuz her blog is not like mine as mine is a Diary more-or-less, while Tumblr in itself is more of a diary that talks back to you. Anyways, I could probably just repost three-fourths of her blog if I had the time, but instead I will insist that you take a look at it yourself and follow her. I would follow her if I had a Tumblr account myself. And by the way, nope I don't know her; I just respect her writing abilities and character as a person immensely. I mostly write for fun and to relieve stress, but that girl is seriously a great writer.]
THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU ‘WHATS WRONG’ AND YOU SAY ‘NOTHING’ AND THEY BELIEVE YOU
This is a picture of my grandparents. They’ve been together for a really long time now that I can’t even keep count. They’ve shown me what love really is and how long it’s supposed to last. 2 weeks ago my Lolo (grandpa) passed away. My aunt told me my Lola (grandma) said if anything were to happen to my Lolo she’d want to go and be with him no matter what. My Lola had a stroke during my Lolo’s viewing and died in a comma yesterday…
This may seem like a sad story, and it is. But in a sense, it proves that their love is more than “til death do we part”.
True love? I think so. <3
So touching :’)
You know why it’s better to date a girl with a flat chest instead of big tits?
because when you hug her, you’ll be closer to her heart<3
awwwwwwww
MOST GUYS LOVE A GIRL THAT IS SEXUALLY ACTIVE,A GIRL THAT IS FREAKY WITH THAT SHIT. A GIRL THAT WOULD MEET HIS SEXUAL NEEDS. BUT I’M A GUY THAT WOULD PREFER A GIRL TO LAY IN BED WITH ME AND WATCH FINDING NEMO AND LAUGH OUR ASS OFF AT THE STUPIDEST THINGS. A GIRL THAT WOULD LET ME PIGGYBACK HER THROUGH THE BEACH SO HER FEET DON’T GET DIRTY, A GIRL THAT WOULD RESPECT HERSELF AND LOVE ME FOR ME.
The person who really loves you sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, and how hard you are to handle. But, still wants you in his life.
I always wanted to sneak out and go with someone for like an entire night up until the sun comes out and sneak back in. Just for some mini adventures or just for some fresh air out. I mean I can, but being a teenager even the slight feeling of rebellion feels good. I don’t mean like doing horrible ridiculous things.
Just as a hopeless romantic, the idea of some guy coming to your house and aiding you to sneak you out. It’s a cute thought if it leads to innocent actions like just star-gazing or going to a drive-in movie theater.
I’M JUST SCARED THAT YOU’LL FIND SOMEONE BETTER.
When you leaned in & your lips finally met mine again.
Felt like our first kiss all over again, the same excitement, with the feeling of my heart beating right off my chest. I really really like you. Like damn. I don’t even know why! But as long as you’re still mine, I don’t care for the reason. I like the way you’re willing to change your small ways for me, & you do listen to how I feel. Like when I’m sad & hurt, you find your ways to fixing it. I don’t know. I’m trying to not fall too hard, but somehow you’re making this hard for me.
I’m a female,
and being amongst females. We are bitches. We are indecisive. We do contradict. We do break hearts. So saying guys are all to blame. No. You have your fair share of being at fault.
![Go awaaay please ]:](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_sBBNFr_LqElzv1PCwjSf-Kni-sm7qnSAtumzZEMkN7G5KwqDNKHwPoXfhVi1-cTlOJShDexKzgXGGfODtzF_-VBz82zSyRQoPoIUc8VDE2D32ALlfIti7d3TxV-ayz-w=s0-d)
You’re flirting with other girls?
That’s not even cool. I don’t care if we’re not in a relationship. That bugs me.
If you want to pursue me, you’re taking 1000 steps away from that by doing exactly that. I’m not an option.
Self-Inflicted Nostalgia
Have you ever had those nights where you’re laying in bed, tossing and turning, and suddenly you reach out for your phone. Then you start scrolling through all those cute texts, that you had with certain people and potential lovers? or even ones that sends a piercing pang to your heart.
It fills you with this pressuring weight that maybe you should send a text; get in touch again just to acquire some information on how they’re doing currently. But somehow you end up not having the guts to even say a word, so you go back and forth with yourself. Creating messages and erasing them.
So you end up reminiscing on past conversations and memories you held with this person when you did talked. Going through the inbox history or photos you find laying around, trying to figure out where everything went wrong and just—restraining yourself from pressing send.
… cool boys and their friends
… cool girls and their friends
… you and your friends
- you might not respond, making me… look like a fool.
- you might see it, and play hard to get, i don’t like being played.
- you might get used to me hitting you up first, so you expect me to do all the work. not going to work that way.
- a slight chance you won’t receive it, resulting in no response, making me look like a fool, once again.
- i might think you didn’t receive the text, so i send it again, making me look like adesperate fool.
Sea otters hold hands when they sleep, so they don’t drift away from each other.
Every night, someone falls asleep thinking about you.
They toss and turn all night because they hate the fact that the pillow they’re hugging isn’t you. They want to be with you right this second, but you’re clueless about the whole situation. Playing these little scenarios in their head hoping that it will actually happen the next time they see you. That sweet voice of yours is the only thing they wish to fall asleep to but they have this mindset that you’re too good for them. Your smile is craved into their memory and they see it every time they shut their eyes, trying to go to sleep. Then they quickly open it again in hopes that you will be by their side this time. And the only thing they want to know is if you’re thinking about them too.
I wish I trusted you. I wish I didn't question you. You were a good person and I... I feel like I was out to find out what was wrong with you. Prove myself right that this person who cares about me so much MUST have some kind of incredible fault, this person is just GOING to hurt me. I convinced that I had to question everything until I found it. But there wasn't anything to find.
I knew you weren't cheating on me, that's not what I was questioning. I'm not even sure what it was I was questioning. They say you can't have a relationship without trust, I didn't even KNOW I had I had a trust problem until now. I guess that's what happens when your trust is broken so many times. I'm sorry. It wasn't you; it was all on me.
I wish I could have trusted you... but I just couldn't. I couldn't do it.
And you couldn't wait for me to discover that there was nothing bad to discover. Time to learn from our mistakes. What's done is done.
It’s not that I’m not over you,
it’s just whenever someone mentions your name, all the memories I had of you come back to me.
...
ALRIGHTY. Now I'll tell you a little secret. Everything gets better. I was heartbroken beyond belief writing the majority of this post. And it's been over a year now. Not only do I no longer have feeling for him, I'm embarrassed I wasted my time on this guy. I've met guys this year who are so much better, inside and out! I managed to get on talking terms with Ex-Boyfriend and realized how much I don't need him. I have yet to get a new boyfriend, but I've met amazing people and I know the future from here on is only going to get better.
Any heartbroken readers who managed to read all of this...
I thank you for your time and I promise you that everything will end up better than "okay". Do schoolwork, spend time with your friends and family you've been neglecting, live life like the imitation sugar: splendid.
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