Wednesday, October 1, 2014

There's more out there

Dear Diary,

Do you ever stop to think about people you used to care about?
Maybe it's just me. Yeah probably just me.

But whatever happens with the one that got away or the first boy to break your heart into a million teeny shards that will never completely come together again?

I'm happy with my current relationship, trust me I am. It's an incredible feeling to be wanted and respected by a kind man, but what happens to those loves of your life that used to make you sing "Someone like you" while smearing tears and snot on yourself as you Facebook stalk?

Is it wrong to say that I miss some moments that I've had with others?
Like when I talked to "The one that got away" on Facebook wall, messaging, picture comments, and phone texting at the same time. When we met, I felt so comfortable and giddy with him and I felt like I knew him for a long time, immediately! I felt like he was everything I've ever wanted in a guy, and he appeared out of nowhere to be this incredible facet of my teenage years! There were Sparks.

Then, there was the one who understood more than anybody I've ever met, the one I could depend on to give me the advice that I need not just want to hear. I've heard that with people like this, your connection never fades despite time. Anyone ever seen Orange is the New Black? This guy was the Alex to my Piper. We made bad decisions together and I knew it was wrong but knew I needed him too.
I miss him so much. And I can't tell people this because I'll get the predictable:
a.) "He's an asshole! You can do better than him!/You deserve better!"
b.) "But I thought you said you loved your new boyfriend?"
It's not the physical stuff necessarily with him that I miss. Although he was basically my *first* and before my current boyfriend, this asshole was pretty much included in my first everythings. My first sexual experiences, the first time I felt like somebody actually gets who I am, the first time I stayed out overnight in my car (with him), the first mini-roadtrips I've taken (with him), the first times I stayed on the phone literally all night to talk to someone (as in...4...5 hours with him), the first time I was hit with unexpected physical heart and mental pain from a guy breaking my heart, the first time I let myself fall in love.
I miss talking to him the most. I feel lonely without him, even if at the moment I have a boyfriend, best girlfriends, and reasonably close family members. The sucky thing about being in college is that everyone starts to form their own little lives. My best friend spends practically everyday with her boyfriend so there's not much time for us to be as close as before; my other best friend is away an hour or so away in college working on her sorority and forming internships; my boyfriend doesn't understand me even though I know that he is trying...and sees a FOREVER with us.

My boyfriend also isn't into talking on the phone.
I never get good morning or good night messages. He doesn't even say "bye" on the phone...just hangs up! I'm all like, "Okay buh-" and he hangs up before I can even finish.
I get about 3 texts from him a day...not joking. And I can forget about night time phone calls. My favorite thing about being close with a guy is probably the time we have to talk in our free time during the day and at night before we sleep.
Honestly, the lack of communication makes me feel neglected and distant from him. And those feelings make me feel insecure...annoyed...angry...sad.
He does put in effort to text me at all since he's never been a daily-texting kind of person, but I am. Especially with a guy I'm dating. Because the case of the matter is...some other guy I could potentially date would give me the communication needs I desire. I see my current guy about two to three full days a week (including the daytime and sleeping over to the next night) which is completely fine...except that I also never feel like he cares to hear about little things during the rest of the week. It makes me feel like we're platonic friends who have sex, but in reality he's actually in love with me and doesn't seriously understand why I'm frustrated by our lack of communication.
Even that asshole I used to talk to called me most nights to talk and sometimes in the afternoon when he was walking somewhere or waiting for a bus. Besides that, I ALWAYS got frequent, all-day texts from him if I didn't get a call. That' right, the guy who was using me to cheat on his girlfriend put more effort into talking to me than my current boyfriend does.  That must mean something!!! I just haven't figured out what exactly though. Good cookies for thought (hehe sweet tooth version).

-That Girl, I long for more.