Thursday, May 17, 2018

No I'm not pregnant

Dear Diary,

We went out for hot dogs and beer, a little different from the upscale restaurant date a week before.

... the date was romantically stimulating through discussions about our future goals and our thoughts on each other. He tells me that he thinks I can do anything...a great relief from others who expect something from me or try to limit my potential. We went back to his place per usual, but I had something important to say this time around.

I (I begin)

You're not pregnant are you?

No! I'm not pregnant!

You're what then? (Starts rambling about something)

I love you, -I say and then turn away quickly-

-He takes a pause, then rolls me back towards him- Come here. I feel the same way

-I stare at him-

I didn't say it because i didn't want to ruin anything (he says)

I love you (I say again, at a loss for words)

-We make out-

I wasn't sure if I should tell you because I don't know what's best for you, only you know what's best for you and what will make you happy...but you make me happy (I say with my chest heavy)

I love you too (he says to me.)
Im overkill 4life, so I tell him probably five or six times throughout the night.
Now we say it pretty much everyday. Sigh. To be continued, Diary, old pal.

-That Girl

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Never End

Dear Diary,

She wept across the deserts, the oceans, the mountaintops. She begged for meaning across rooftops in Suburban America and looked straight into the eye of the sunsets throughout Asia. She longed for her existence to be of weight and studied the faces of her peers. She loved deeply and the feelings ran so deep that she wasn't sure that she could handle their strength. The magnitude of pain and joy around the world was witnessed, but untouched by most. She wanted to throw herself into the throes of what it meant to be a complete person, enough knowledge to spread to her loved ones and burst one's heart full of real compassion. She wanted to be a martyr, not to be saved. She needed to be loved fully, but needed more than a throne or a handful of well wishes. She needed the key to fix everything that was wrong and an answer to her endless list of questions. She wanted understanding and she needed it, she needed loyalty and grace. If she saved the world would they save her in return?

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Secret Sauce Part II

Dear Diary,

The secret sauce of life might actually be balance. More on this next time. 

-That Girl, epiphany in-progress

Saturday, March 3, 2018

The Secret Sauce

Dear Diary,

I've discovered the secret sauce of life -

are you ready?

It's not a cliffhanger - it's ...

Compassion !!!!!!!!!!

 I've recently gotten a tattoo that I look at (when I remember that it exists on my wrist) to remind myself to have more of it. For myself and for others. Think about it - people live their lives how they believe that it ought to be lived...therefore they make decisions based off of how they actually think a good life should be ( unless they are self-hating/destructive...but in those cases, aren't those people in their own way living the best that they think that they deserve? :( seek help readers who feel this way, within yourself or a reliable system or support). They aren't trying to live life in a way that they think is a bad way to live. Even if they boast being bad, they actually are boasting that "bad" types of things are actually good. People seek good in all different types of ways. And sometimes it can be hard to accept this because you might see universal truths of good and bad, obviously better or worse decisions, and a shitload of assumptions about their internal motivations versus their passions and desires versus their literal actions. But at the end of the day - don't we want the best for ourselves and for others?
I mean ideally, don't we want everyone to thrive in some manner of "goodness", whatever that is to us personally? Personally, I have a high threshold for criticism, but NOT for harmful actions that people take with the intent to harm rather than benefit, and NOT for people who are careless about the negative consequences of their words and actions on others. People without moral responsibility towards the welfare of others? Not okay. At all. But compassion besides that, I think, is the secret sauce of life. Does this guy seem lazy? Maybe he's in a rut and needs a break in life because honestly he doesn't have it in him to do better right now and you can't push your expectations on different types of people in the same fashion that works well for yourself. I need a straightforward talking-to, personally, to do better for myself - but others can't take that. It hurts their feelings lol.  I mean, I still try this approach when I think that it's necessary (because I know that I could make them take action this way with enough passion and certainty in my voice), but I try other methods for a lot of people. For example, praise can be a lifesaving way to help someone, if it's gone about in the right way. Rather than discourage people for their negative traits, why not bring their positive traits to light? And I don't mean superficially, but real things that are good in them - their own compassion, their ability to work hard, their love for their family that extends in their life, their ability to speak well to people, or whatever it is that their cherish about themselves and is actually a good thing that you'd like them to be more of! Bring positivity into their minds and encourage them to help others - that's the secret sauce of cohabiting in a society of people that dammit, can be really emotional sometimes.
-That Girl, sharing secrets

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Monday, February 26, 2018

Relentless Restlessness in Love

Dear Diary,

What does one do when they have what they want? Maintain it? Sure, and it's worth the effort, surely if what they have is significant and moving.
But nothing is a certainty, just moments are experienced as they go. Happiness is fleeting and relationships between people, despite persevering between some, take two to tango. Relationships, especially those romantic, are ridiculously impactful on one's life - ridiculous, I tell you. Even the flings and the friends with benefits, the long-term guys and the playboys, they alter your life's history of experiences. It is terrifying in its own merits to love somebody, as the verbal acknowledgement itself thereby makes it public knowledge to family and friends which its disclosed to that your heart is able to be broken ( *rolls eyes* again?!). But it's okay, because once you love yourself and your own worth in life, you are able to freely give this love without expecting something particular in return. Because there are some things you can't control and some things which you simply shouldn't control. Yes, you can study all of the dating manuals and pull up your collective knowledge of the right and wrong things to say to someone who catches you eye, then study their personality type and make record of their likes and dislikes, probable sense of humor and favorite things to talk about, but... where did you go in all of this? Let's say you win their heart. Is this really what you want, to win somebody over and forevermore be a prize in their eyes? Or do you want someone who sees you just living, without the bullshit dating tactics and compulsions to be optimistic and flattering and wonderful when in the presence of other people? Because, yes, life is grand and what could be more awing than to marvel in its splendor among another who thinks likemindedly? Are the minor thoughts and little successes and ability to emphasize with another about what a beautiful day it is today or why the new kind of coffee at Starbucks is interesting or how Debbie's friendship with me impacts my lifestyle all reducible to nonsensical babble, when I could throw out an honestly effective dating line, flirt a little, and seduce my partner's brain and body to be hooked onto how I make them feel a better use of time?
When somebody uses every trick in the book to catch someone worth trying for and the relationship reduces into everything that dating books say a healthy relationship should actually be, is there something raw in the truth of being yourself unpolished, lost in the madness of romance and maturation?

-That Girl, love still glimmers

Saturday, February 10, 2018


Dear Diary,

I spent the night spilling my feelings to him in drunken wonderfulness-
"I'm so into you, babe...can't you tell? Don't you know how I feel about you? I know you know when you look at me ...don't you know how much I care about you? I way more than like you - you are everything! I'm here for you babe...I'm just waiting for you to tell me how you feel first, because you are the man! I'm already there, I'm just waiting for you to tell me you're there too! I'm not even emotional, but I have so many feelings for you! I feel so much for you! I'm already there babe"
He says, "I know what you want me to tell you, but why should I have to tell you first? Because I'm the man? I've already told you everything else first...kcskdslkfjljsd once I tell you then you might just end up betraying me (he's also drunk LOL)"
"I'm not going to betray you! I already told you I like you, then I really like you, now I'm past that! I'm here for you! Don't you know when you look at me how much I feel for you babe?!"
He gives me variations of "I like you...I might be more than liking you a lot too...I want you to say it, you don't tell me anything!" throughout the night, and I feed him more loving words to show him how much I care - finally!! I couldn't hold it in anymore, worried that it might slip at any second, I finally told him how I've been feeling!
"Can't you see how much I care?? I've been trying to show you, find different ways to show you how into you I am to make you happy and help you - don't you see it babe?!" He was into it! I love him! That selfless, all cards in, worth-it, positive, hopeful, real and raw, wonderful kind of love!

It's settled. I love him, and he knows. And I think he might be on the path to loving me, if he's not already there :)

I love love,

That Girl (spastic and totally in love the way I've always wanted to be...this is how it should be!!!)


As an addition to the above,

I knew I was in love the day that I woke up and realized that he's worth it!
And that love is worth it! The real kind of undeniable love is ALWAYS worth it!
I had been trying to hold back for so long with him - five months and I was only a card and a half in with him, with my guard up until I felt that I could really trust him. But the day I woke up and realized that not only do I trust him, but that he's worth giving my ALL to! I am the luckiest person to be with someone who makes me laugh until I cry and is polite to the greatest extent, just how I am.
I have fallen! And he has been so patient, he is everything! Despite whatever happens in the future, I will not deny that at this specific point of time in our lives, I have fallen in love. It's the kind of love that makes me deny my previous attempts at it. This is a love that's greater than what I've known before. I love love! This is awesome!!!!