Tuesday, September 12, 2017

PICK IT UP, GIRL

DEAR DIARY,

IT'S TIME TO NOT SUCK ANYMORE.

I'M 22, ABLE TO DO SO MUCH. EVERY DAY IS A NEW LIFE.

Who cares if shit didn't work out in the past and ended up hitting the fan/ my face? Any able bodied person would wipe the shit off of their face and learn from their mistakes. Never again. Never do the same fuck ups again and move on - am I right?

We're too young, us 22-year olds, to feel trapped by our situations when the entities which are making us feel trapped are just dreamt up by our own fears. The fear of not being good enough - that's the one that eats at me. The fear that I'm not competent, actually. That if I put my best face forward and try my hardest, I'll still be second taco to whoever's around me and naturally excelling at what I'm struggling with. But ENOUGH OF THAT. I am worthy of goodness, if I make myself a loving and hard-working individual. People will judge you, and that cannot be helped. If you are virtuous - courageous, harbor strong convictions, avoiding causing unnecessary harm to others, plant seeds of generosity in others, avoid materialism, learn and show others what wisdom you have to help them out of difficult situations, love yourself for who you are, and are kind to even the weakest of souls - your goodness will be exuberant and in its own right, untouchable. People can try to take you down, but in all honesty - everyone is going through their own struggles. Make the world an easier place to be in, understand that people come from their own places of hardships, and be the best version of YOURSELF. I've never admitted this outside of the internet, but I had a terrible time loving myself growing up. I always wanted to be anyone, but myself. I wanted to grow up and become someone else. I would adapt my personality entirely to the people around me because I wanted to be liked. It's shameful and I'm not proud. But now I can say it here because I'm happy with the kind of person I've become. I still haven't figured out exactly what my own voice is - but I know that if I keep my head up, rather, pick it UP and HOLD IT UP (metaphorically), I'll become more like a person who I want to be. And I honestly feel that everyday I'm getting better with it.

Genuinely get to know others and bring out the best in them, but make sure the closest souls you trust in will do the same for you. Speak when you actually have something to say. Don't overanalyze to fit it - be yourself. Love the things that make you happy and work on the parts of your personality that have embarrassed you in the past. Everyday, do something that you don't want to do and that challenges your mind. Don't give up. Don't give up.

Don't give up.

-That Girl. Please please, I beg you, be around people who make you better, not worse.











Tuesday, May 2, 2017

It's Okay To Feel Good About Helping People - The Fireman (Joe Hill) Review *Spoilers*

Dear Diary,



I recently finished "The Fireman" by Joe Hill. It was recommended by an ex-boyfriend who I'm still seeing. But more on that for another post. (I'm actually seeing two of my ex's at the moment, but I'm honestly super down to meet "the one" and get married this year or the next.).

The books was too long, even by audiobook standards. But I was a fan of the narrator by the story's climax - it grew on me. I liked the book because it was about hope. So often, scary novels or action-thrillers are about the cooler the better (!!!FIRE ROBOTS FIGHT#$^$@$ DRIVING INTO WATER?! DEMON POSSESSING FAMILY AND GOES BACK TO HELL?!). I liked "The Fireman" because there was - sneak peek alert - a lightness in the drama. And the lightness carried the characters towards positivity and finding beauty in the way of escaping something terrifying. But then again, I'm a sucker for a story of hope because it's the one thing that leads me out of dark places in my own life. As an agnostic college kid, I was glad to see that there wasn't an emphasis on God to lead people towards salvation - but rather, the good in some people shining brightly to do the best that they can be. Getting older each year, I can see how my experiences seeing the bad in people could make me go sour. I've always been able to see the good attributes in people more than the bad, but that's why people take me to be naive. In my opinion, it's not naive to be able to see the strengths and weaknesses in others, while putting their positive in the forefront of how I characterize them. I liked "The Fireman" because I related to the main character.
Here's one quotes, that does take place in the context of a religious discussion: "Don’t they all teach that to do for others feels better than to do for yourself? That someone else’s happiness need not mean less happiness for you?”
A huge theme of the book, which I didn't see other reviewers online touch much on, is that it is OK to feel good about helping other people. It's OK if helping children heal from their illnesses in your free time makes you feel important and valuable to society. There's a point in this story that just because you feel good about what you're doing, therefore receiving some level of gratification, from what you're doing and this seems to imply that the activity that you're doing to help others is actually selfish ... it is ok to feel good. To forgo your own happiness that is an effect from the effects of forwarding the good of the society? It's FINE. This is an issue that I've always had personal trouble dealing with. As a philosophy major, I've early in my academic career been asked the pointed question of whether it is OK if, You do things to benefit for other people and as a result, feel good about yourself for doing it. Also: If you do something because it makes you feel good, and the side effect is necessarily that you are benefiting other people, is this virtuous behavior? I think Joe Hill would say... it's OK if you love helping people (which probably means that it makes you feel happy, fulfilled, and valued) and end up feeling better because of it. The mean of achieving your happiness seems to be the benefit that others are getting and that might seem to imply that your priorities are not in check, but it's OK. You can't hate yourself for being happy about helping people. You could be a monk and feel no attachment to the situation, just totally dedicating yourself to a virtuous and prosperous society...or you could volunteer at you local pet shelter to make friends and keep company to animals. I am not someone who would say - hey go ahead and be selfish! That's fine! You deserve some pampering! Partly, that's because I don't have the complete self discipline to not do some things for myself sometimes already - online shopping after finishing a big essay, reading a book right before I sleep at night, or logging onto social media for a few minutes everyday. I don't need to focus more on myself, in my opinion, because as a person who tends to occasional succumb to personal desires and intuitive feelings (I'm just a human girl trying to find love, happiness, and achieve a higher education - man), I want to dedicate as much time as I can to make a lasting impact on the lives of others. And that's where I feel this book to resonate with my values. If you are a pessimist, you might not like it. I'm sarcastic and sometimes get down in the dumps, but I love hope - so I have a love for the characters of Harper and the fireman. Not to mention, I love a cheeky romance  (heads up, the romance is a sub-plot). I relate to Harper, so when she catches feelings for the fireman, I started to love him too.


“You are one person with your mother, and another with your lover, and yet another with your child. Those other people create you—finish you—as much as you create you.” - Joe Hill, "The Fireman" quote.

This book touches on human nature, life and death, love, and help. Some of my favorite, themes, TBH. (If you haven read other posts on this blog before, I hope you as a reader understand that I sometimes - and always have been one to! add in random and slightly obnoxious slang or CAPS to my writing. I think I do it because I wouldn't say shit like that in real life, where I'm always being polite and considerate about the feelings of others. This is what happens when you've been a sarcastic person most of your life and decide that it's impolite and that you have to curb your attitude. Note - dun dun dun = the art of holding your breath)


That's all for now. Thank you for supporting my hope in believing the good in people, Joe Hill. And for the following quote:

“Your personality is not just a matter of what you know about yourself, but what others know about you. You are one person with your mother, and another with your lover, and yet another with your child. Those other people create you—finish you—as much as you create you.”

I love it (and chuckled quite a few times in this book...huge thumbs up for giving me reason to smile),

-That Girl

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

The Practical Post

Dear Diary,








I'm getting old. I saw it when I looked at the car mirror last night, preparing to grab some Japanese BBQ with my big bro - now 29 years old. I'm only 22, yes. But when I go to Starbucks and the workers are my age and younger, it's a strange feeling. As you get older, instead of having peers and adults, you just become a person among others. Just lots of people of varying ages who all used to be the age of the younger people around them, at one time (not another, you can only be one age once after all). It's weird, just now I'm remembering that I always wanted to be older. I wanted to have the independence to move across the state, or even country, if I wanted to! I always wanted to start a new, exciting life. And yes, I am doing some pretty cool things now! I went abroad my freshman year to aid a medical mission and then the next year, I went to provide child-care to a government-run orphanage for a couple weeks. Okay, these things might appear like "cool" activities to a lot of people. But they each broke my heart in different ways. Seeing the educational gap that exists not only in country, but in the world? Seeing really miserable kids who are forced into a strangely uncomfortable living environment after being taken away from their drug-addicted/violent parents? Not gonna lie, these things broke my heart and I don't think I'll ever see happiness in exactly the same way. But, yes, lots of people think that I am "cool" for committing my time and money to such things. This summer, I'm teaching English in a low-income school abroad for a month. In doing so, I'm teaching myself Mongolian. The thing is, I didn't know what I was planning to write this post about. I just thought that I need to write more. And this is working in reliving some stress for me. I've had such UN-practical interests my whole life - reading interesting books, writing personal letters to the internet here, watching movies for the sake of clinging onto compelling plots and characters that I (honestly) lived through while growing up. I am naturally CHILL- ie., I want to have sex with my boyfriends, watch movies with them, go to a party/rave/concert and get fucked up for the night, while also meeting nice people, try new food places (though I'm not a foodie, so it's much more about the experience for me), write, read, laugh.
But at the same time, that's not the lifestyle I want for myself. Some people think that both asserting that you want something and also not believing that you want something is signs of insanity. So I'm trying to show that those things individually are what I enjoy, but collectively I want to grow as a person. It's hard. Because yes, I want to become cultured and know about things like geography, wine, architecture, and politics. But I also don't want to be one of those cultured assholes who know more about art and the nicer things in life that other people don't have time to delve their personal time studying into.

I've become practical. So, I want to write for pleasure, but I know that the real life applicability of this won't get me far. I'm not doing this professionally and if I did, I wouldn't want my face and name associated with my words. It's funny because I consider myself an extrovert, but my true feelings about most things I end up keeping to myself and mulling over just inside my head. Like, I'm always down to meet people and I like being around people most of the time. But the conclusions that I come to? I feel like my intellectual pursuits can't be matched by most of my friends and family, not in terms of their aptitude but in terms of their conversational preferences. Anyway, this is why I don't post as much as I used to, or read books for fun as much as I used to.
You get older, and you feel like you have more important things to do than personal, anonymous hobbies of personal pleasure. At least for me. Because I value bettering the lives of others and becoming smarter with my academic studies/ interacting with real people. I think that this is largely, or at least partially, due to social media. You know - how people post about their achievements and cool places they visit, how many people they are socializing with. It's like a digital popularity/competition to keep up with cooler things than the next person. Not only that, you can tell if you aren't keeping up with what everyone else is doing.

I study philosophy and my studies tell me that I should live an ethical life, outside of myself and towards valuing the world around me. It sucks, but I accept those ideals and it makes me want to do less things that I think are just fun and silly. We only have one life to live and I want mine to positively impact people who aren't just myself. Jonas Salk is my hero, the polio vaccine inventor and all-around altruistic motherf****** - he didn't just want fame and fortune (I mean, realistically, maybe he did. But wanted to be known as the guy that chose otherwise. Either way, it doesn't matter what the mean was to the end that enormously benefited hella people + children). And if he is my hero, I should just keep moving forward with my dedication to improving lives. [yes, I just came to a realization].

A friend of mine told me that she gives me the advice that in making my own life decisions, I should give myself the advice that I would give my own best friend. If I wouldn't recommend my best friend, lover, or own sister to do something, then why would I go ahead and do it anyway?





Contemplative,

-That Girl

Monday, February 27, 2017

I Was Charmed (Pants and Soul, Including)



Dear Diary,

I was charmed. In fact, my pants were charmed off on the first date and I loved every minute of it. I never considered myself a *kiss on the first date* kind of person, needless to say fucking would be out of the question, but I met someone so damn awesome that I couldn't help myself this time around.

He was random. And that in itself gives me hope that I could meet someone in this gigantic world who I (by absolute chance?) can click with, without me having to mope around on the active search for such a connection. I.e. I don't want to do online dating, ever. Not that there is a problem with hooking oneself up on Coffee Meets Bagel, or as I described to my brother - Tinder: which you sign up for if you'd like to get used somehow (good looking girl or guy? got money? need a warm left side of the bed?).

I'm just in love with the idea of meeting someone by chance and naturally finding out that there's some kind of special connection there that neither of you exactly expected to find because you've never met each other. This sounds silly and paradoxical, because if I'm looking for such a connection, then it shouldn't - rather, wouldn't - be something I didn't expect to find. The solution to this issue is that such a connection to me is not easy to find at all.

The connection I'm talking about is one that I've found in precisely three romantic partners in my life - and all three shook me in surprise, each time wherein I found I could connect like this again! Three may seem like a high number, but consider all of the people you've met in your life, and how many times you thought you could forge a romantic relationship with someone you like only to find that something just isn't there/it's not enough/that person doesn't make you feel alive and hopeful and giddy and intuitive that they are special, damn it.

It's the kind of date where you don't know what to expect, because you really don't know them at all, but the date just keeps getting better as it goes. It's strangely comfortable, but also exhilaratingly nerve-wracking. Hearts are at the line when people get vulnerable, kid.

It shows you hope that yes, despite the shitty relationships that you may have endured through in the past, you could make it through the pain of learning that it wasn't working (couldn't work) and when separating back to individual life - a light shines on the fact that you could endure another round of potential love with someone new. In fact, you'd LOVE to endure some more love because it's blissful and it's nice (at the very minimal level of description) to be so happy about someone that fills in the holes that other significant others couldn't for you. In another words, I realize as I type this that I'm describing what it feels like to meet someone who understands you, gets you, clicks with you, and likes you anyway - and vice versa!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Diary,

I don't want to add to the above passage because anything more would just subtract to how happy I remember feeling during that time. Now that I've had time to reflect on what I felt when I found Mr. Random and Wonderful (Mr. RW), I know that yes I did find a special chemistry with him. We had what he called a "natural chemistry." But what I guess that I didn't think about, or at least want to think about seriously, is that I was drunk on my date with him about 3/4 of the way into it. Still, I will hold that I had a wonderful and very adult-y feeling date with him. I've never slept with a stranger, and I've never slept with someone on a first date, before meeting him. These are things that I will never do again, but I surely don't regret how happy I was when I was experiencing it.
In hindsight, I do think that it would be possible that he would have taken me more seriously if we didn't instantly sleep together on the first date. Naturally, it led up to it and I had an awesome time. Partially because I found him to be incredibly wacky and honestly, as much as I don't want to admit it, impressive. Together, I was laughing SO MUCH. I've realized that I'm somebody who needs to date somebody that I can laugh with. Someone complimentary to me.
In terms of complimenting my personality...let's just say that he's an ESTP and I'm an ENF/TP.  Yeah. Explosive.
He was good at making me laugh, but ended up being so outrageous that eventually I couldn't stand him anymore. It was inevitable.
If fate wants you to cross paths with someone again, at a different time in your lives maybe you'll run into each other at a park or have a hilarious encounter at club - having a mid-screaming conversation to get a word in edgewise with them over the crowd. Sometimes I know I seem too nostalgic for good times that made me feel light, airy, hopeful. But I need to keep pulling forward, knowing that there's just more good ahead of the horizon. So I won't say exactly what happened with Mr. Random and Wonderful. Not just yet. But I will.

Here's some music: (He's really into music, and was in a band before. I heard some of his old sound and it was honestly amazing. I would have loved to listen to more of his stuff. He played the guitar and I was totally impressed and in a daze with how cool he was. Even though he told me that he struggles with depression and adhd and through some FB stalking I found out that he was a nerd in high school, and he kept telling me stories about being lonely. Something about him was so captivating, it's too bad that he showed me his flashy materialistic and "too cool to care" side on our last date. I really liked the guy who was humble but aggressive, hilarious but patient to listen to what I had to say. But anyway. Let's just say we'll talk about him another day.)

Hold on, I want to end this post by saying that I am okay! I'm alright! I was sad for a little while about some stuff to be written about in the future, but I have met other guys since Mr. Random and Wonderful... they have been nice, good jobs, fun in their own ways. It is hard that Mr. RW set a certain standard for me in terms of how I want my dates to go in the future for them to feel significantly impactful to me, but at the same time, my mind has been blown that I could actually meet "my match" my accident in this world. All I have to do is get my shit together ie. finish undergraduate school this year (holy shit I can't wait), try to look decent on an everyday basis (cuz you never know who you'll run into), and not walk around moping that sometimes life is hard. <3

I just heard this song and it reminded me of him. Go figure. 

This is his favorite song. It's a fun song. Not too deep. A little silly and outrageous, like him. He also really likes Aziz as a comedian...who isn't exactly my favorite. We saw an Aziz act on his screen projector (honestly SO COOL...I've always wanted one...fk him) and neither of us laughed that hard. Idk, there must be something that he likes about him that I don't exactly see. I mean, he's comical, for sure.



Clicking

Dear Diary,

((Disclaimer, I wrote this a while ago and just saw that it was never published. It's not polished, but you know what? My goal in 2017 is to be more productive - get more shit done. So, you know what, I'll just go ahead and share it. I want to feel like I can go through with the trails and error of life, constantly moving on to better things and never stuck, Never. stuck,))

For some people, it just clicks.
One of my best friends, who I've somehow grown only closer with since 8th grade when we were ugly ducklings with only big, friendly hearts and smiles as redeemable externally, says that if you feel as though you've known someone before upon first meeting - it must be because you met before in a past life. Woooo ~~~~ who knows if that is true or not. I wouldn't say that I'm a spiritual person, but I hope that there is more than just biology and chemistry keeping my life together/whole and that there's something beyond linguistics and rhetoric that lets me believe everything that I do.
Anyway, I feel like somebody who doesn't click with everyone. And it's a little unfortunate. My best friend tells me that she could like a lot of people a lot, she's not a big fan of particular usage of vocabulary and I'm probably too specific most of the time, but I figure that what she means is that she has no problem giving parts of herself to lot of new people who she meets. Then again, she is a true extravert. And while I am extraverted, I forsure belong more along the midpoint of extraversion and introvertedness than on the far side of the continuum. The thing is, we search for meaning in different ways. I like a deep, contentful connection that can touch the bases from laughing hard about really silly things and dumb jokes to having serious talks about what they really think about in their spare time - values and significance are important but so is the ability to find humor in the mundane.
Anyway, she finds a "deep" connection to be one where they have a similar description to the one I listed above.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Lost Love ~ End the Good to Begin the Better // There's so much life left to live (ENFP bitch)

Dear Diary,




I ... FOUND MY WALLET!! Because of this, I am completely satisfied with myself again.

I thought that I lost my wallet with a debit card and credit, driver's license, school ID, and $200 in cash inside. It made me miserable. But finding it put a lot of my life into perspective.

How can I be upset about some bum who cheated on me and begged me back for months, when there is SO MUCH TO BE HAPPY ABOUT!

My personality type is like that, I've realized. I've come to the conclusion that I am an eternal optimist because it keeps me going. To have hope for better days ahead. To trust that there are good people in the world and wonderful, wonderful experiences ahead of me. More than that, the pain that I've faced has allowed me to feel joy on such a deeper level than before. I've known what it feels like to wake up with my heart literally in pain, but time let me heal. Over and over again, I went through experiences where I felt as though if I died it wouldn't be too much of a distant fall from the pain in my heart. But I'm dramatic like that, I guess. Each time my heart was broken and I felt like the least attractive and intelligent and worthwhile person who I know, time let me heal again and love myself that much more. The depth of pain from a heartbreak is different for everyone, but for me? Man, I pretty much spend the next few months of my life as a disabled person - no hope, everything (!) make me sad, I don't want to take care of myself, I can't get out of bed or wake up in the morning, I feel shellshocked, I feel isolated and lonely... I'm just not someone you'd want to run into on public transportation because if you do anything nice for me I'll probably act like a homeless person who just received a free dog and start crying out of appreciation.

The hard part about breakups, is reinventing yourself each time. But once you get the hang of it, it's like hey I'm the new girl on the block look at me parade around being cheerful and bettering the lives of everyone I care about while simultaneously looking hotter (b/c happiness looks good on everyone).

I FOUND MY WALLET. Do you know what this means?? I don't have to re-issue each of those cards and just live my life knowing someone is blowing my $200, when I should be totally blowing it on myself! (Sry for sexual innuendo)


How am I ever going to meet a guy who isn't going to cheat on me and who I can let myself love with all my heart all over again - if I don't finally ditch the guy who made me feel worthless for a year?? I'm NOT! I don't believe in karma per-se, but I do believe that it's fucked up when people stay in relationships while waiting for someone better to come along, so they can ditch their current partner and switch off. You could do that, but why would I want to a.) go through that process b.) make the new guy who I love see me be an asshole by ditching the guy I've been seeing >?!

-That Girl, eternally living life with my heart on my sleeve - it gets damaged from being all exposed and shit but that's better than hiding it away and being numb/bitter/cold all the time! I am a romantic and don't want to hate love, I want to love love. I want to find that crazy love again, where I am totally committed and down for the person I date and they are just so crazy about me that they can't contain themselves too. It's possible, it's out there. To click with someone, it's happened before - and darn it I want to find it again!

 LOL. This is so lame. But I'm feeling lame when I'm happy sometimes, because it's soooo much better than being bitter. 



Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Hoarding Memories

Dear Diary,

My personality is one that consists of a cluttered mind. I'm always thinking, always trying to understand things in ways that aren't straightforward or plain as to not miss important details that are necessary to understand the bigger picture of things.

But just today I thought, what if I just stopped. If I just let go of the active thoughts, in motion, trying to connect one to another and lead to new forward directions that mean that things are more than what they plainly are. I thought, what if I just let those thoughts go. And I had a strange but relaxing moment of clarity. I suppose this is what meditation is for?

I stopped feeling thoughts fleeting from one to another, just cleared my head. And I thought, what if people clutter their minds the same way that hoarders clutter their homes. Because when I stopped the rapid firing that was giving me a headache - WHAT is the right decisions to make in my life at the moment I don't know. What I don't know I can't touch. I can make guesses on what could have lead me where I like, but the truth is that I've never guessed correctly about what my next move is going to be that will leas me to any solid conclusion.

When I cleared my head what I found was that ... Where I literally am is not where I want to be. I'm sitting with someone I used to love and my head is fogged with where this will lead in a week or two or three. I keep thinking that things will always be possibly better and always changing, but on what fucking account am I right to believe that I actually know what I'm doing this time around or that I'll guess right? My plans tend not to go according to plan, no matter how passionate and loyal I am to them in the beginning. Because I lose track of where I am in the present and how things are RIGHT NOW. I feel like shit RIGHT NOW. And I let myself go to sleep anxious, have nightmares about people who I don't trust saying or doing the worst things to me which my subconscious can imagine. And I let myself do it, waiting for the day that I'll know more. I'm waiting for clarity, when just taking a good fucking look around me now and the state that my mind is in is all of the clarity that I'll really need to know. To know that I'm drowning and I've been drowning. By always wishing for a better day or that the one I had already will replicate or branch out into days just like it again.

I am nostalgic. I always have been, but it is a burden when it's a key feature of how your mind operates. Always hinging on more of a good thing that has past. It's poison.

I wonder, do people clutter their minds to disappear from the present? Is it sometimes an excuse to get away from what's actually being done or what should be done? That hope in people to be the people we thought they were before. The options we sometimes lay out, seeing that maybe this good action will lead to another. That consideration that people can change and grow and adapt and be better to us again. Even ourselves. I've more and more become the most considerate person I know. There are boundaries, of course, of certain actions which I find irredeemable. Cheating without remorse or guilt or without accepting blame, I am not okay with and I will refuse to ever respect a person who cares to defend their cruel and selfish intentions with justifications of why it could be alright. But overarchingly, I try not to step on anyone's toes. I put the extra effort around people I love to say things that make them feel better about themselves as a whole or compliment what I know will give them more confidence in their weak spots through poking fun with jabs of luv. But when it comes to me... I want someone who loves me and can love me in the same way that I love them. Who shares it passionately and truly understands that if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say it so all.

Coming back the point. People hoard items sometimes to evade the feeling of loss over time. Things literally do not come and go. There is no clarity in how things truly are when it's a mess to go from point a to b. Are people disorganized in their thoughts sometimes as a defense to accepting the way things are presently? Looking for options to change the facts and re sorting when things may look gloomy coming ahead, instead of knowinf simply when something is worth pushing through and when it's okay to let go completely?

Clearing the closests of my mind, vacuuming the stray crumbs, and letting myself throw away the things that truly don't matter anymore at THIS point in time,

That Girl