Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Ratty Jacket and the Rope Out - Poor Girl's Fable

Dear Diary,

Last week my boss harassed me on my outfit- telling me that I didn't look nice and that my jacket, which i rather like fyi, looked "ratty." I would like to clarify that, yes, I am a poor girl. And No, I do not own any nice clothes. She grew up poor too, and she's my aunt. But it's interesting to see when people forget where they came from, and the struggles morally that you face in a world of people who had things easy and always. Or maybe they don't want to remember. I think it's the same reason people dislike the homeless so much, they can't stand to see the weakness that actually exists within a set of behaviors and thoughts which we all all could potentially fall privy too. Some people can't stand softness in particular women and see vulnerability, but there is strength that endures in educated, purposeful vulnerability- mine is not weak, but it is silent and strong. For I know that I have the will to stay respectful and away from pettiness. I've been there, with petty people and petty myself. I didn't like it, the taste in my mouth, or rather because I don't sense as much as I analyze, the intuition in my head said I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, or maybe just in the wrong myself. I won't fold and be mean, that's when others win you out. And I'm not a loser, Diary. But I do need to get the hell out of this place. Here, where I was born and raised, personal hell. Now I can get out, so That Girl - i. What are you waiting for? ii. What the hell are you scared of, hadn't this been enough?

-That Girl, a woman rich or poor on fire is still on fire

Thursday, May 17, 2018

No I'm not pregnant - this is a good thing

Dear Diary,

It was Friday night, breezy and bustling in the city - as always. But tonight we went out for hot dogs and beer, a desirable change from the ridiculously upscale restaurant that he took me out to the Monday before this date.

As a preface ... on that date (the Monday one), he took me to a restaurant inside of a hotel that showcased ~4.8 stars on Yelp. We had to take an elevator to be seated. And the lobby entrance was solely for restaurant-goers. There was a contrasting look in the room - me in my frumpy work outfit. I was wearing a grey skirt and t-shirt that falls loosely, along with a dark cardigan and my self-proclaimed "ugly work shoes." I'm not certain that anybody feels truly happy about themselves when they call an everyday article of their own clothing ugly, by intention. It's like a self-inflicted insecurity that is removable. Anyways, I digress. The outfit sounds generally alright, although it sure didn't fit the modern decor of this place. With confidence, okay, maybe it was a possibility. However, I had been feeling particularly depressed that day and the days prior. It was one of those in-a-slump-burnt-out-toasted-the-walls-are-crashing-in-why-mayday types of feelings. You know, typical overextended young adult who's going through growing pains types of ordeals. With a dash of existentialism mixed into the batter for good measure.
So. Picture That Girl, frumpy inside and out, with her logical and introverted boyfriend who is quite kind about still covering the check at the end of the night.
"Why didn't you tell me we were going to a nice place?" I ask him.
"I told you a got a raise at work," he says with a smile. He also adds that he wants to take me to nice places, which is actually very nice considering he knows that we both didn't grow up with the nicest things as an inner-city kid and an international village kid. We never had money, but it is a wonder of the world that we have some as adults and didn't as children. 
It was all-around a good date, though he knew I needed time to decompress at the end of the night and probably didn't want to sit around with me staring at the wall freaking out about whatever philosophical problem applying to humanity that I dreamt up (under stress) until the morning came up. I actually felt guilty, because the week before it is to my truest belief that he told me... dun dun dun - that he loves me. loves. With an  L-O-V-E. It is still not completely uncertain if he did, but what happened was ...
He took me to a nice Italian restaurant because he knows that it's my favorite type of food (heart eyes acceptable here, maybe emoji) and we had good conversation, with a bottle of wine. I never let myself get totally smashed and unclassy when I'm with him (as in falling down and falling asleep in a public area or becoming unreasonably loud and obnoxious in public) - though I've been pretty drunk with him on special occasions when we're both game - so he had a bit more of the wine than I did. (Must stay a little classy, That Girl...)

On the way out the restaurant, "I like you." I say.
"Why do you say that?" he smiles at me.
"I just feel like it," I say in return. He looks pleased and puts his hand out to hold mine.
Anyway,  we went back to his place and the conversation continued to be good.
 We were laughing and kissing, it really was very lovely and light and fun and sweet.
"I like you," I say to him as I'm feeling warm.
"I like you a lot," he says in return.
The cuteness continues as we make jokes (we have the same sense of humor :D) and do cutesy cuddly light making out stuff. (Barf, I know it's TMI. But it was nice.)
He looks at me at some point, "I love you" I see him say at me while looking me right into the eyes.
I froze - "Wha-? Huh?"
I reacted how you don't want someone to react when you admit your love for them.
"Huh? What did you say?" I continued being spazzy and prolonged the awkward feelings between two thinking-types of, "Oh shit this is serious emotions here" in my chest. But maybe I read the situation wrong. To be honest, my 'real' (sorry Blogger) name sounds like the words "I love you" when jumbled together, so I've made the mistake in the past of thinking that someone was heavily admitted their love for me and really just said my name huffily/with sympathy (:().
"Huh? Nothing," he says. He then says later that he "likes" me. So...did I hear wrong or did I just spazz? At least the latter. But this led to my feeling guilty that I couldn't find those words back to him on this night and contributed to my depression on the next three dates - which he planned very nicely, but I again, I just couldn't find those words to say to him on any of the dates. I believe that we were both disappointed by that. 

Okay, so now we're up to speed to the ~~~~Friday night date ~~~~~~, which this post began with.

... the date was romantically stimulating through discussions about our future goals and our thoughts on each other. When I talk, he listens. And when he talks, I listen - as I think it really should be in a relationship. He tells me that he thinks I can do anything...and I authentically believe that he can do anything he sets his mind to as well. 
We went back to his place per usual, but I had something important to say this time around.

I (I begin)

You're not pregnant are you?

No! I'm not pregnant!

You're what then? (Starts rambling about something)

I love you, -I say and then turn away quickly-

-He takes a pause, then rolls me back towards him- Come here. I feel the same way

-I stare at him-

I haven't heard those words in a long time...  (he rambles)

I love you (I interrupt his ramble and kiss him deeply)

I didn't say it because i didn't want to ruin anything (he says)

I love you (I say again, at a loss for words)

-We make out-

I wasn't sure if I should tell you because I don't know what's best for you, only you know what's best for you and what will make you happy...but you make me happy (I say with my chest heavy)

I love you too (he says to me.)

Im overkill 4life, so I tell him probably five or six times throughout the night.
Now we say it pretty much everyday. Sigh. To be continued, Diary, old pal.

-That Girl

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Never End

Dear Diary,

She wept across the deserts, the oceans, the mountaintops. She begged for meaning across rooftops in Suburban America and looked straight into the eye of the sunsets throughout Asia. She longed for her existence to be of weight and studied the faces of her peers. She loved deeply and the feelings ran so deep that she wasn't sure that she could handle their strength. The magnitude of pain and joy around the world was witnessed, but untouched by most. She wanted to throw herself into the throes of what it meant to be a complete person, enough knowledge to spread to her loved ones and burst one's heart full of real compassion. She wanted to be a martyr, not to be saved. She needed to be loved fully, but needed more than a throne or a handful of well wishes. She needed the key to fix everything that was wrong and an answer to her endless list of questions. She wanted understanding and she needed it, she needed loyalty and grace. If she saved the world would they save her in return?

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Secret Sauce Part II

Dear Diary,

The secret sauce of life might actually be balance. More on this next time. 

-That Girl, epiphany in-progress

Saturday, March 3, 2018

The Secret Sauce

Dear Diary,

I've discovered the secret sauce of life -

are you ready?

It's not a cliffhanger - it's ...

Compassion !!!!!!!!!!

 I've recently gotten a tattoo that I look at (when I remember that it exists on my wrist) to remind myself to have more of it. For myself and for others. Think about it - people live their lives how they believe that it ought to be lived...therefore they make decisions based off of how they actually think a good life should be ( unless they are self-hating/destructive...but in those cases, aren't those people in their own way living the best that they think that they deserve? :( seek help readers who feel this way, within yourself or a reliable system or support). They aren't trying to live life in a way that they think is a bad way to live. Even if they boast being bad, they actually are boasting that "bad" types of things are actually good. People seek good in all different types of ways. And sometimes it can be hard to accept this because you might see universal truths of good and bad, obviously better or worse decisions, and a shitload of assumptions about their internal motivations versus their passions and desires versus their literal actions. But at the end of the day - don't we want the best for ourselves and for others?
I mean ideally, don't we want everyone to thrive in some manner of "goodness", whatever that is to us personally? Personally, I have a high threshold for criticism, but NOT for harmful actions that people take with the intent to harm rather than benefit, and NOT for people who are careless about the negative consequences of their words and actions on others. People without moral responsibility towards the welfare of others? Not okay. At all. But compassion besides that, I think, is the secret sauce of life. Does this guy seem lazy? Maybe he's in a rut and needs a break in life because honestly he doesn't have it in him to do better right now and you can't push your expectations on different types of people in the same fashion that works well for yourself. I need a straightforward talking-to, personally, to do better for myself - but others can't take that. It hurts their feelings lol.  I mean, I still try this approach when I think that it's necessary (because I know that I could make them take action this way with enough passion and certainty in my voice), but I try other methods for a lot of people. For example, praise can be a lifesaving way to help someone, if it's gone about in the right way. Rather than discourage people for their negative traits, why not bring their positive traits to light? And I don't mean superficially, but real things that are good in them - their own compassion, their ability to work hard, their love for their family that extends in their life, their ability to speak well to people, or whatever it is that their cherish about themselves and is actually a good thing that you'd like them to be more of! Bring positivity into their minds and encourage them to help others - that's the secret sauce of cohabiting in a society of people that dammit, can be really emotional sometimes.
-That Girl, sharing secrets

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Monday, February 26, 2018

Relentless Restlessness in Love

Dear Diary,

What does one do when they have what they want? Maintain it? Sure, and it's worth the effort, surely if what they have is significant and moving.
But nothing is a certainty, just moments are experienced as they go. Happiness is fleeting and relationships between people, despite persevering between some, take two to tango. Relationships, especially those romantic, are ridiculously impactful on one's life - ridiculous, I tell you. Even the flings and the friends with benefits, the long-term guys and the playboys, they alter your life's history of experiences. It is terrifying in its own merits to love somebody, as the verbal acknowledgement itself thereby makes it public knowledge to family and friends which its disclosed to that your heart is able to be broken ( *rolls eyes* again?!). But it's okay, because once you love yourself and your own worth in life, you are able to freely give this love without expecting something particular in return. Because there are some things you can't control and some things which you simply shouldn't control. Yes, you can study all of the dating manuals and pull up your collective knowledge of the right and wrong things to say to someone who catches you eye, then study their personality type and make record of their likes and dislikes, probable sense of humor and favorite things to talk about, but... where did you go in all of this? Let's say you win their heart. Is this really what you want, to win somebody over and forevermore be a prize in their eyes? Or do you want someone who sees you just living, without the bullshit dating tactics and compulsions to be optimistic and flattering and wonderful when in the presence of other people? Because, yes, life is grand and what could be more awing than to marvel in its splendor among another who thinks likemindedly? Are the minor thoughts and little successes and ability to emphasize with another about what a beautiful day it is today or why the new kind of coffee at Starbucks is interesting or how Debbie's friendship with me impacts my lifestyle all reducible to nonsensical babble, when I could throw out an honestly effective dating line, flirt a little, and seduce my partner's brain and body to be hooked onto how I make them feel a better use of time?
When somebody uses every trick in the book to catch someone worth trying for and the relationship reduces into everything that dating books say a healthy relationship should actually be, is there something raw in the truth of being yourself unpolished, lost in the madness of romance and maturation?

-That Girl, love still glimmers