Thursday, March 22, 2018

Secret Sauce Part II

Dear Diary,

The secret sauce of life might actually be balance. More on this next time. 

-That Girl, epiphany in-progress

Saturday, March 3, 2018

The Secret Sauce

Dear Diary,

I've discovered the secret sauce of life -

are you ready?

It's not a cliffhanger - it's ...

Compassion !!!!!!!!!!

 I've recently gotten a tattoo that I look at (when I remember that it exists on my wrist) to remind myself to have more of it. For myself and for others. Think about it - people live their lives how they believe that it ought to be lived...therefore they make decisions based off of how they actually think a good life should be ( unless they are self-hating/destructive...but in those cases, aren't those people in their own way living the best that they think that they deserve? :( seek help readers who feel this way, within yourself or a reliable system or support). They aren't trying to live life in a way that they think is a bad way to live. Even if they boast being bad, they actually are boasting that "bad" types of things are actually good. People seek good in all different types of ways. And sometimes it can be hard to accept this because you might see universal truths of good and bad, obviously better or worse decisions, and a shitload of assumptions about their internal motivations versus their passions and desires versus their literal actions. But at the end of the day - don't we want the best for ourselves and for others?
I mean ideally, don't we want everyone to thrive in some manner of "goodness", whatever that is to us personally? Personally, I have a high threshold for criticism, but NOT for harmful actions that people take with the intent to harm rather than benefit, and NOT for people who are careless about the negative consequences of their words and actions on others. People without moral responsibility towards the welfare of others? Not okay. At all. But compassion besides that, I think, is the secret sauce of life. Does this guy seem lazy? Maybe he's in a rut and needs a break in life because honestly he doesn't have it in him to do better right now and you can't push your expectations on different types of people in the same fashion that works well for yourself. I need a straightforward talking-to, personally, to do better for myself - but others can't take that. It hurts their feelings lol.  I mean, I still try this approach when I think that it's necessary (because I know that I could make them take action this way with enough passion and certainty in my voice), but I try other methods for a lot of people. For example, praise can be a lifesaving way to help someone, if it's gone about in the right way. Rather than discourage people for their negative traits, why not bring their positive traits to light? And I don't mean superficially, but real things that are good in them - their own compassion, their ability to work hard, their love for their family that extends in their life, their ability to speak well to people, or whatever it is that their cherish about themselves and is actually a good thing that you'd like them to be more of! Bring positivity into their minds and encourage them to help others - that's the secret sauce of cohabiting in a society of people that dammit, can be really emotional sometimes.
-That Girl, sharing secrets

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Monday, February 26, 2018

Relentless Restlessness in Love

Dear Diary,

What does one do when they have what they want? Maintain it? Sure, and it's worth the effort, surely if what they have is significant and moving.
But nothing is a certainty, just moments are experienced as they go. Happiness is fleeting and relationships between people, despite persevering between some, take two to tango. Relationships, especially those romantic, are ridiculously impactful on one's life - ridiculous, I tell you. Even the flings and the friends with benefits, the long-term guys and the playboys, they alter your life's history of experiences. It is terrifying in its own merits to love somebody, as the verbal acknowledgement itself thereby makes it public knowledge to family and friends which its disclosed to that your heart is able to be broken ( *rolls eyes* again?!). But it's okay, because once you love yourself and your own worth in life, you are able to freely give this love without expecting something particular in return. Because there are some things you can't control and some things which you simply shouldn't control. Yes, you can study all of the dating manuals and pull up your collective knowledge of the right and wrong things to say to someone who catches you eye, then study their personality type and make record of their likes and dislikes, probable sense of humor and favorite things to talk about, but... where did you go in all of this? Let's say you win their heart. Is this really what you want, to win somebody over and forevermore be a prize in their eyes? Or do you want someone who sees you just living, without the bullshit dating tactics and compulsions to be optimistic and flattering and wonderful when in the presence of other people? Because, yes, life is grand and what could be more awing than to marvel in its splendor among another who thinks likemindedly? Are the minor thoughts and little successes and ability to emphasize with another about what a beautiful day it is today or why the new kind of coffee at Starbucks is interesting or how Debbie's friendship with me impacts my lifestyle all reducible to nonsensical babble, when I could throw out an honestly effective dating line, flirt a little, and seduce my partner's brain and body to be hooked onto how I make them feel a better use of time?
When somebody uses every trick in the book to catch someone worth trying for and the relationship reduces into everything that dating books say a healthy relationship should actually be, is there something raw in the truth of being yourself unpolished, lost in the madness of romance and maturation?

-That Girl, love still glimmers

Saturday, February 10, 2018


Dear Diary,

I spent the night spilling my feelings to him in drunken wonderfulness-
"I'm so into you, babe...can't you tell? Don't you know how I feel about you? I know you know when you look at me ...don't you know how much I care about you? I way more than like you - you are everything! I'm here for you babe...I'm just waiting for you to tell me how you feel first, because you are the man! I'm already there, I'm just waiting for you to tell me you're there too! I'm not even emotional, but I have so many feelings for you! I feel so much for you! I'm already there babe"
He says, "I know what you want me to tell you, but why should I have to tell you first? Because I'm the man? I've already told you everything else first...kcskdslkfjljsd once I tell you then you might just end up betraying me (he's also drunk LOL)"
"I'm not going to betray you! I already told you I like you, then I really like you, now I'm past that! I'm here for you! Don't you know when you look at me how much I feel for you babe?!"
He gives me variations of "I like you...I might be more than liking you a lot too...I want you to say it, you don't tell me anything!" throughout the night, and I feed him more loving words to show him how much I care - finally!! I couldn't hold it in anymore, worried that it might slip at any second, I finally told him how I've been feeling!
"Can't you see how much I care?? I've been trying to show you, find different ways to show you how into you I am to make you happy and help you - don't you see it babe?!" He was into it! I love him! That selfless, all cards in, worth-it, positive, hopeful, real and raw, wonderful kind of love!

It's settled. I love him, and he knows. And I think he might be on the path to loving me, if he's not already there :)

I love love,

That Girl (spastic and totally in love the way I've always wanted to be...this is how it should be!!!)


As an addition to the above,

I knew I was in love the day that I woke up and realized that he's worth it!
And that love is worth it! The real kind of undeniable love is ALWAYS worth it!
I had been trying to hold back for so long with him - five months and I was only a card and a half in with him, with my guard up until I felt that I could really trust him. But the day I woke up and realized that not only do I trust him, but that he's worth giving my ALL to! I am the luckiest person to be with someone who makes me laugh until I cry and is polite to the greatest extent, just how I am.
I have fallen! And he has been so patient, he is everything! Despite whatever happens in the future, I will not deny that at this specific point of time in our lives, I have fallen in love. It's the kind of love that makes me deny my previous attempts at it. This is a love that's greater than what I've known before. I love love! This is awesome!!!!

Tuesday, February 6, 2018


Dear Diary,

How to explain the feeling that one has when falling in lo...

see! That's the thing, people are rational animals - always trying to EXPLAIN why things are the way that they are. People (really, I'm just talking about at least 1 person alive - and that's me) always want to give reasons for events and solve some freakin' puzzle in front of them.
But in the meantime, the present goes by unexamined at the surface! Going beneath the surface when it comes to matters of possible love are inescapable and important, but so are the little moments and the feelings that don't have a basis in those random elements that we are able to add together.
LOVE - real love - it is unselfish. It makes you leave your ego at the door and embrace the one in front of you.
Some people look all their lives for the kind of love that makes them shaken at the core for someone who truly understands and accepts them for their flaws and still thinks the entire world of them.
I've found the kinds of love that were enlightening, but not real. I've been loved for everything that I am on the surface and wasn't able to give that kind of love in return - always grasping for something deeper that makes me FEEL how life is written about in great books and musical interpretations of love. I've had a passionate love that burned me quick, immature, and unreturned. I've had an instant connection of exhilaration, excitement, and laughter that dwindled as fast as it began with my star-striken eyes forgetting its basis in values of depth and modesty.                     

I woke up one day knowing that I have the love for myself strong enough to love another, deeply, sincerely, and wow - worth it! I think the world of him, and I want to give him the world in return.
A montage of the past five months flashed through my head as I realized how much I've been holding back all along. Is he true, is this real for him? Or is he going to chase me until I'm his and evaluate whether I make next cut after I'm already head over heels for him? I've made the mistakes of letting myself fall too fast in the past, just blindly trusting that this person will care for me because I know selfless love is worth it. So I made myself use my head this time -
"Is that true?" "Really?" "What are you thinking about?" "What do you think about it? You tell me first?" "Where is home really for you?" "Are you materialistic? What motivates you?"
The swarm of questions I've asked him, and he answered with humor, intellect, and seriousness.

On our first date we tried so hard to make small talk, something we both don't like.

"Do you like yogurt?" I asked him.
"Yeah it's ok, but I'm not really a yogurt person," he said.
 "Oh do you like frozen yogurt? It's pretty good," I rebutted.
"It is pretty good...but I'm not really a - "
"yogurt person," we finished the sentence together. I cracked up.
"I didn't think that would be so funny," he says. He was the most adorable thing.
From our first date on, I've marveled about his concise and no-bullshit remarks about the world.
"I like my shadow, I think it's comforting," he told me on our first or second date. I was into it.
"Why do pets have health care, when we could use that money to give medical care to children in poverty in the streets all over the world?" He asked me once over dinner. It was an interesting idea.
"Do you think people are mostly good or bad?" I asked him on our first date. He responded by telling me how he thinks that people were made to create things and that it's something that differentiates us from animals. He talked for a long time about how humans are great because they can build things. I pointed out his tangent while laughing and he laughed too. There was an underlying understanding between us, despite us having little to none common ground to begin with. I guess he's right, people build things.

Once we talked about our different skillsets.
"You're an innovator, I'm more of a humanitarian," I told him. We were both pretty happy about this.

"I do a lot of random things, trying to help people have easier lives and writing about it," I said to him when he mentioned that in the grand scheme of humanity what I do for side projects is more significant in helping people than his projects, "and you're creating new things in the world that have never existed before...just purely out of the creativity and intellect in your mind." He felt better.
The compassion from me combined with his ability to cut through to the building blocks of anything made for some fiery discussions about how the world is run. "When we argue - it is poetic," he said once. I could not possibly agree more or look to that in amazement. It's what I've wanted, a love that is timeless and classic, raw, and bigger than ourselves.

I love him. And I want to see him smile, see the bright parts of life that I see for myself so that he can enjoy it too, encourage him to always reach his highest potential. He provides me the depth and humor I crave, patience and understanding. However, I've come to a point where I know I don't need him to be happy. I am happy, grateful, and compassionate for myself and the life I've lived, the family and friends who have helped me become the person I am today.- It is just that, he has given me for the time I've known him,  his heart. And I want to give him mine in return. My heart has been handed back to me in shards and wilting from life by others, but hey, Cupid is relentless and the unexamined life is not worth living! Love is worth the risk. It is always worth the risk when it is real.

Real luv!

-That Girl

Friday, February 2, 2018

Is it Love? Baby, you can’t hurt me (I love me too)

Dear Diary,

They say that you can’t love another until you can love yourself. I would second this in a heartbeat. How can one have a heart that can feel true compassion for another human being if they cannot feel that same feeling for themselves first? One cannot give what they don’t have, and when one is bursting at the seams with love to give, it’s not hard to love! Some people seem foolish for loving others so openly and freely, but is it silly to think that it’s possible that they know something that others don’t? I’m not saying that it’s good to be in love with everyone (no.). But to have love for humankind? Sure, that’s where you find compassion. To feel romantic love for someone you date, who opens their inner demons, passions, fears, goals, bank account, weekly schedule, and more to you? Is that really so alarming? Or should it be intuitive that when you are drawn to someone who has qualities of a person you admire and they feel comfortable enough to open their heart to you, that you love them easily? When you go out in the world with them and they impress you with their modesty, consideration, sincerity, and patience to know who you really are - without trying to, is it really strange to want to give them your all back in return? Love is patient, love is kind. Love never fails, it perseveres. It is unselfish, and it is honest. If there is something that I want to leave this planet with, it’s that I was able to find the strength to love myself the most I can and give all of it back to the people who I was able to love too.

-That Girl