Sunday, December 6, 2015

Resolution: The Great Gatsby Effect and Alone Together(halfheartedly), A New

Dear Diary,

It's been so long since I've written and that's probably because my peak of entries (circa middle school) was sparked by a sense of teenage angst, yaknow- the feeling where you feel as though nobody understands you at your core. Miserable as it sounds, teenage angst to me was comparable to believing that you're alone in the universe ... maybe even, or perhaps just, that nobody loves you.
"Huh?" You may wonder what being alone has to do with being unable to be understood.
Here my friends, I can insert a morale which can be learned from my fave SciFi novel: Ender's Game. For a smidge of context, Ender was a boy forced to learn about a alien race discovered by adults and seen as a threat to humanity. He watched their patterns to figure out the best strategies to destroy these buggers through an electronic battlefield created for young muggles (that's a harry p reference) to practice the real fight on. He said one of the most memorable lines about love that I've ever read or heard from my peers.
 Ender began to understand his enemies so well, that he began to love them.

Dec. 6, 2015.
How wonderful is it to be with somebody who makes you feel things ... Passion, excitement, comfortability with nerves...
The older you get the more you understand that special connections with people aren't found everyday and when somebody is a keeper you'd better treat them right or somebody else will hold them close to their heart instead. You only get one life, but decisions that you make split your options into hundreds of differing, yet completely possible routes to live through. I made a decision recently and I feel like this is one of the parallel universes that was an option for me, while I could have just as easily (50 percent I tell ya) chosen differently.
Do you need to know so much about somebody to love them? What about love at first glance/kiss/an everlasting infatuation with another? Then ... Is love really always about understanding? I used to think so-that you must get somebody at their core to love them truely, to see somebody as they are to themselves and care for these moving parts, to see the good past the bad or even admire the bad for being individual to that person. Nobody being perfect is a cliche but it can be romantically tragic to see somebody in their shining and broken stages and desire to be by their side past it all. That's the difference between loving someone and being in love, to me at least. Vulnerability and admiration, a real trying and easiness...  Human emotions are complicated but I couldn't be happier to be with somebody that can make me FEEL strongly, hopeful and worthwhile, honestly and softly.
People search their whole lives looking for someone to make them complete, to make someone else feel whole and secure their worthwhileness... To feel like anything less than an explosion of lingering longing and giddiness can shrivel in comparison to experiencing the warmness in their crooked smile and crinkling eyes, a half smirk of knowingness or the tight, silly embrace that causes one to melt,
Everyone should find someone that makes them feel things and loneliness should not be of those things. I don't know what love is and diving into the free fall directing towards it can be terrifying, but the drop can be one of the best reasons to be young and alive.

That Girl