Sunday, October 14, 2012

Your Mom Was Right, Forrest Gump. &Don't Run Back To Him.

Dear Diary, (Forrest Gump is kind of my favorite movie in existence, if you didn't know.)

This is my first on-the-go post that I've ever made, but it is also the first time in a very long time where I have witnessed something that gave me such hope for the unexpected,  pleasant surprises coming in the future. So often people are stuck in their problems, refusing to enjoy the coincidences and random experiences that life provides them. We forget that life is not planned out and that you seriously never know what is coming next. Every year things change so much, sometimes better and sometimes not, but eventually life will bring some of the better changes. I have seriously not felt such a surge of inspiration to blog and will to embrace life like this since what's-his-face broke my heart. I feel as though life always hints all kinds of symbolic shit to take notice of things I've been ignoring. I'm not religious, so I can't say, "God is sending me a message in this butterfly," but I can say that appreciating and logically thinking over the little things in your life can be quite inspiring.
Life is often as enjoyable as we make it out to be, and I personally really don't want to look back at my life as a single 47 year old woman saying, "Oh no, I wasted my time being a miserable adolescent who complains about bad things that have already happened and lingers for no good reason. Woe is me, SON." Well, more or less.

So this is what happened...

Okay, okay, first here's some background for why this certain event was significant to me:
Lately I've been really upset because of that "friend with benefits" who basically played me out, asked for apologies, and then continued on with his new girl. After he asked out that one girl who I talked about (rather, angrily sobbed about and described slightly) in the last post, I kept talking to him like I wasn't upset, although I did stop responding to his texts and calls the first two weeks after he broke his new-relationship news to me. But at some point, pretending like I wasn't upset with him was really bothering me so I just broke down and told him that I was mad at him. He explained that he wasn't planning on getting with her, but jumped at the opportunity when it presented itself. Apparently, he kissed her two days after I came over to his house. But he never told me, even though I talked to him that night he was with her and he lied that he was "At home cleaning all day, but tired now."
Right, cleaning his bed before and after she came over made him real tired, I bet. I guess the lying to me hurt the worst, because if he was a real friend he'd tell me the truth even though it might make me feel strange about the situation. But he talked to me that night and the next week too, although he was quick to omit any details about hooking up with this dream girl of his.
What it all boils down to is that he was interested in me until he got what he wanted and could move on to someone else, while keeping me on the sidelines. Of course he tried to make it sound like none of it was on purpose and the time of everything just happened to go the way it did, but in reality, he could have kissed her any other time before I slept with him. The whole year of texting all day and talking for hours at night and the whole summer of asking me to hangout meant nothing once I gave in to "it" and TWO DAYS LATER he would go on to get at another girl. Like really though? Two days?! It's a tad ridiculous for him to do that, no?
Even though half of me had been wanting to keep being his friend after that, the other half of me was hurt and angry at his actions. It was so messed up!

Now, all of this was on my mind while I was sitting on a bus from downtown after hanging out with my best friend during the day (Yes, the best friend who introduced Ex-Boyfriend to me 2 years ago). She had to meet up with someone else that afternoon so I decided to go home early to get some must-needed rest after all the heartache and stress I've been having lately. It's all making my face break out, dammit!
I like to sit in the middle of buses where there are four seats facing each other since these seats don't have as much of that florescent light shining at you and it feels more spacious too. (I was about to write "a bit more" at first, but I stopped myself because "a bit" is one of those phrases that the Ex-FWB used to say and it still makes upset to think about since we used to talk so much...and it was ALL A LIE BECAUSE HE'S A JERK. Aha, okay I'm done.)
On this certain day, the bus kept getting delayed for some reason so I ended up waiting around the bus stop for like 45 minutes. Not cool, right? Hold on, this'll be a part of the metaphor I concoct from this whole story!
Finally, the bus came and I sat in my favorite middle seat of the bus with two empty seats across from me and one empty seat next to me. (No, I don't meet a guy who sits next to me by the end of this story, unfortunately.)


Ahhhh, I was too tired (and not frustrated enough) to keep writing about this story the day it happened, so the details about it are kind of fuzzy to me now. But the story must go on!

So, I was passing downtown and listening to songs like "I'm Yours" by Jason Myraz because my phone decided to die out on me (the song selection was just making me more miserable) when the bus suddenly stopped. And we were just sitting there on the bus for much longer than usual. The bus patrol people came onto the bus and everyone was prepared to show their bus passes to them, but they weren't there to check for bus fares. This one random bus patrol guy came onto the back steps of the bus, calling out,
"Excuse me everybody, but there is a bomb threat for this bus. The situation is being taken care of, but this bus is going to be taking a different route from usual."
Naturally, everybody was freaking the fuck out. I mean, who wants to blow up on their bus ride home, right?
So I lower the volume on my iTouch so I can listen to the individual freak-outs from the strangers around the bus who are discussing the bad news.
I actually thought that the bus patrol guy was saying that there was a bomb ON the bus, which was confusing because we didn't evacuate the bus screaming for our lives. The bomb, I eavesdropped about on the bus later on, was actually just a threat of a possible bomb in a building downtown. Turns out, there was no bomb.
An older woman sits in a sit opposite from me. When you first look at her, she just looks beautiful. It's strange how society doesn't like their woman to age, because laugh lines and crows feet, to me at least, show that a person has had lots of laughs in their life. It's like how people say that some have "wisdom" in their eyes. If it's okay to have wisdom in your eyes, I think it should be okay to have lines of laughter on your face! Anyway. She had this long black hair and makeup in place. One of those ladies that are 45 years old, but could pass for a woman in her 30's. This woman, I never caught her name, was talking on the phone in an upbeat, bubbly tone that wasn't fake as if she were trying to sound young, but as if she was a genuinely youthful person.
She's on the phone with her friend, but hangs up when the bomb-announcer came onto the bus. She looks like she's half Asian and half white, if not a hundred percent Asian. Not a very skinny woman, but not a big-boned woman either. I hope I look like her when I get older! An African-American guy sits next to her with a hat similar to one that Jazz from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air would wear. As the woman hangs up with her friend and says something along the lines of, "Okay, I'll hit you up later," which was really cute for some reason, the man sat down across from me. She puts her phone away and says, "Today is just not my day!" regarding the bomb-threat traffic and all. He says, "I know what you mean." And somehow they end up talking about how he just moved to our city and that everybody is really friendly around here. The two really hit it off after introducing themselves to the other. I missed what their names were, but I caught her telling him that she's around 45 years old. Give or take a few years, I was only half eavesdropping after all! He looks at her and says that she looks much younger. He is, he tells her, 38 years old and she, "Can't believe it!" The woman tells him that he looks much younger than the age he told her.
An hour on the bus passes by and this random-looking couple seems to really connect. He'd say that she's making him blush and she'd touch his arms as she laughs, telling him that he's making HER blush. It was really cute. They end up talking about their families, and their careers. She's a business woman who just got off of work and I'm not sure what his job was, but he had some kind of black hat on. OH YEAH, he said that he's a chef. Now I remember. Which leads them to talking about working with each other sometime. Isn't life lovely when you're open to what comes your way?
The woman had the teeth of an older woman and he had the spaced-out teeth of a guy who never got the chance to invest in some nice braces. Neither person was perfect, but they evidently made the other person happy in their company.
She even says that she wishes she had something better on today, but that she couldn't wait until she could change into a t-shirt and pair of sweats when she gets home. He says that there is nothing wrong with that.
They blush some more and giggle at the other person's little jokes.
At some point, she gives him her business card and says that he can contact her if he wants to.
They really seemed to like each other, and it got me thinking...
what was the chance of them meeting and connecting the way that they did?
In the city I live in, there are hundreds of people walking past each other and sitting next to each other without ever speaking a word. Most days have no real significant change or event that impacts days that come after, but the ones where something special does happen? It's definitely something to not only embrace, but also something to look forward to. Things change so much every year, and in really random ways.
If there wasn't a bomb threat on my bus, would these two individuals ever start talking the way that they did? I have never in my life seen two people on the bus have a non-stop, hour long conversation about their lives and connect on that very special-level that only comes your way every so often. I think that what we can learn from this...
is that good things come from bad things. Bad things, scary things, sad things can all lead people into something better than they had before. Challenging yourself to feel new things, letting yourself embrace every new experience, these are not easy to do, but they are all part of the growing experience. It's so funny to be a senior in high school now, knowing all that I know about relationships, family, friendships, and myself.
It's scary how much I've matured in the past four years, even scarier think that I'll probably be a completely new person in another four years.
Anyway. So the reason why waiting for the bus for a really long time was significant in this story is because in life you sometimes need to wait out miserable things for a really long time before good things come around. Even though everything seems like rock-bottom, you need to remember that you can only go up from there. Just like in Bridesmaids.
You might say that I am completely full of bull after reading this story, but I do beg to ask the question of what the chances are that after all the days I take the bus, why did I encounter this seemingly random event on a day when I had felt like all the happiness and hope in life was sucked out of me?
I personally think that life was trying to tell me something. Something like,
"Look forward to what you can't see yet."

The Emotional Relapse:

CASE # 10, or some ridiculous number like that. Every few days I get upset again about something involving what happened with him.

How could he do this to me?
How is he going to call me after he spends the whole day with his new girlfriend that he likes so much and tell me that he had a great day and that he just wants to be friends with me again like we used to be?
I was perfectly fine not talking to him the past few days and every time I get a break from him I reflect on the whole thing and realize that I'm fine without him, but right after he calls me all the emotions come back.
And each time he calls me and I tell him that I'm still not okay with everything that happened with him, he finds a way to turn it back to me, as if I am the one who caused all of this on myself and he did nothing that was actually wrong?
How can he just spend his whole day caring for this girl and call me while he walks home to talk to me about how happy he is? I actually just got off of the phone with him and told him that I wasn't mad at him anymore, but don't like him as a person very much. I told him that I kind of want to be like, "Oh okay, it's cool," but that that's not how I am. He said that:
a.) "You said we should stop doing what we were doing, so I was like alright"


What can we learn from these types of relapses?

Stressing over a guy who is an a relationship with another girl is stupid. It is so dumb. Get a hold of yourself idiot, 
there is somebody sooooo much better out there. Seriously. Do you realize how foolish this is. I'm not asking you that, I'm stating it. 
Find a catchphrase to repeat to yourself every single time you feel like beating yourself up because of a guy. My brother and the love of his life recently broke up and he's in a horrible place, but hanging out with her last week gave me a good perspective of breakups. She told me that every time she felt like calling him up from a place of loneliness or post-breakupness, she would repeat to herself, "You are not weak!" She would even go up to a mirror and say to her reflection that phrase. I actually started doing it myself, when nobody is around me to hear, natch, and it really works!
Here's some good catchphrases/heal-your-heart techniques:
o Slap yourself and get your shit together.
o Be a Man and Fight the Huns.
o You are not a fool.
o You are not weak. <- Works every time, honey bun.
o No guy is worth getting upset over, NO GUY who treats you wrong.

Heal ya'self techniques:
o Give yourself a self-destruction limit. You cannot eat your feelings, not wash your hair, and soak your dog in tears from crying sessions forever.
o Get a job/hobby/throw yourself into your schoolwork or job. You need to find a new passion besides making out with your last boo.
o Watch Casablanca several times. Or an equal slap-your-face movie for you. Bridesmaids, possibly?!
o Find something to look forward to in the near future. Not the stupid mindset of, "In a year from now it'll all be water under the bridge, so I'll just go into a little caterpillar-cocoon-metamorphosis phase until then. It's cool."

-That Girl, over it forreal this time and not running back.


10/14/12 Update: He broke up with her! WOOOOO!
The Ex-FWB broke up with the seemingly perfect Korean girlfriend because she was too dumb and they had no spark. Good to hear! He said that he broke up with her and they agreed that it was all a mistake, and he is now going out with another pretty girl. But the good news is that I don't even care about that anymore!
He can date the freakin' world of pretty girls, but I bet that it won't work out with any of them because he is a player, an asshole, and too picky. Also, he is a little bitch. And he's not even good in bed. Who gets too tired to keep going after like 3 minutes? GEEZ. Not to mention -holds up pinky-, if you know what I mean. HAH.
I don't even care who he is dating! Because I don't want him in that way! We have absolutely no romantic connection and he never even bothered asking me out after the whole time we've known each other because I told him when we first met 2 years ago that I would never go out with him! "Because we're friends!" I told him. Thank Goodness I told him that! Good job, sophomore me; you actually did something right that year!
He has a new girlfriend, like within a week or two of breaking up with his last girlfriend. He didn't leave me because I'm ugly/boring/dumb/annoying, it's because he is a HORRIBLE person! Am I right, or am I right?

-That Girl. Woooooo!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

When your best friend plays you and drops you for his new, pretty girlfriend.

Dear Diary,

So, yesterday afternoon I basically stayed home and bawled my eyes out while my plump lap dog sat on my lap, staring at me with her big brown eyes.
My "friend with benefits" was more than that. He was my best friend. The "benefits" aside, he was the person I talked to on the phone everyday. We told each other everything and cared about replying to the other person and meeting up to actually see each other every once in a while.
I have no idea what he thought about me during the summer, but like I told him at one point,
"Summer things never work because summer ends and real life starts."

And unfortunately, I was correct. I'm really heartbroken, to be honest. Your best friend isn't supposed to make moves on you unless they're trying to make something official happen. Your best friend isn't supposed to kiss you and hold your hands when nobody is looking. Your best friend isn't supposed to kiss your neck and send sweet-talking text messages to you, isn't supposed to tell you that you've gotten prettier, ask you to stay up late with him, fall asleep on the phone for days at a time and then randomly stop calling you for a while so he can hook up with a pretty girl. And your best friend is not supposed to ask, "What's going to happen after the summer with us?" and have sex with you and ask you to hangout with him on his birthday and then ask out some attractive girl friend of his the next week. He is not supposed to be shirtless with her and tell you about it two days later. He is not supposed to say, "I'm really open with you," one week and defensively say "What, do I have to tell you everything?" two weeks later when you ask him why he didn't tell you that he now has a girlfriend.

Your best friend is not supposed to make you feel things for him and then drop you for this new girl that he's been pining for since they met, probably.

This is why people should never, ever, ever get in a friend with benefits relationship. This is why you should never become physically attached to a friend who would drop you for another girl and completely replace you.

Because he will try to casually talk to you like the whole summer never happened and be all like, "You should get a boyfriend."

That's fucking great, buddy. That's great. Thanks for the memories and the pain. I miss our friendship, not the "benefits" of the friendship, but the real friendship that we had. The one where I could tell you anything and trust that you'll understand and where you would tell me everything because I want to know. Because I care about you. And I want you to be happy. But it hurts, a lot. Everything hurts because I lost my best friend and I lost the guy I could kiss and hug and be cute with. Because we can never hangout with that couple that we know and say that we're a couple and a couple of friends.

Because I'm mad at you for doing this to me and I'm sad that you would. Because you explained nothing to me and totally just fucking sneak-attacked me with the news of you hooking up with this girl and asking her out. Because I wish you were honest with me like you used to be. That's what hurts the most:
because she's your best friend now. And you could care less.

-That Girl, in pieces, missing my best friend, and being generally upset.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Heartbroken: Getting Played Edition.

Dear Diary,

I'm starting to go crazy here from my weird "friend with benefits"-ish relationship with Andrew. The thing is, everything was fuckin' fine and dandy before I starting catching feelings for the dumb kid.
I hate him for kissing me for the first time when we had a perfectly amazing guy-girl close friendship dynamic going during the school year. I hate that he kissed me and that he kisses me every time we hangout with each other. I hate that he acts like we're just buddies in public after he acts like we had something when we were by ourselves. I hate that he'll hold my hand when nobody is watching. I hate him for making me feel special without saying any cheesy words. I hate him for being a player.
I hate him for not attempting to commit to a real relationship with me. I hate that he has never asked me to define what's going on. I hate him for seducing me into sleeping with him. I hate that he's probably messing around with another girl now.
I hate that he's so kind to me.

I hate that Facebook lets the world know when somebody had a good day or a personal thought about life. I hate that two days after I slept with Andrew his status said that he had an amazing day. The day we did something so significant and meaningful wasn't as great as his Friday afternoon, apparently. Apparently, his friend likes to joke that he doesn't need to make a new status every time Andrew gets with a girl.
Apparently, he got with another girl (who fucking was not me) two fucking days after we had sex for the first time. There's really nothing else that the status + the comment by his friend could mean.
He doesn't care. I thought that we had something real and that he actually did care about me. We've known each other for two years, the past year we have talked on the phone for about an hour every night. He calls me when he walks home. He calls me after school lets out and he feels like talking. He used to call me whenever he had a really good day and just wanted to share it with somebody. He would call me when he's about to go to sleep and talk to me for an hour until he just fell asleep with me on the line. When I went to Hawaii for 3 nights, we still talked at night. Then we didn't talk one night. The next night we talked for three and a half hours.
Apparently, however, it all means nothing to him. I have yet to ask him if he has really hooked up with another girl that day, but it's been all I can think about the past day and two nights.
Apparently, whoever that girl was had something better with him than what I had with him.
That's really fucked up. So what am I to him now, a fuck buddy? I fucking refuse that label and girls with self respect should not accept that. Friends with benefits was pushing the line for me, but I cannot be any boy's fuck buddy.
If that's all I am to him, why does he ask me to hang out with his friends? Why does he ask me to his family outings?
What does this boy want from me? I hate him. I hate him so much for doing this to me. I hate him for seeming like he cared about me all this time when he obviously did not mean it. Anybody who cares deeply for one person would not be "getting with" anybody else, one right after the other. The fuck do I seem like? I am not the most innocent girl ever, that's true, but I don't do this whole thing with just anybody. I trusted him. As my friend and as more than that, I trusted that he would be more careful with my feelings and emotions towards what we were doing.
This is why I don't trust guys. This is why I hate relationships and why it takes such a long time for me to let my guard down with guys. This is why I'd rather stay friends and joke about things that are on the surface and never scratch that surface.
It's not even that he got with another girl that bothers me; that's not it at all. What bothers me is that he didn't have the consideration of my feelings to tell me that he's interested in another girl who isn't me. It makes me feel like he cheated on me or some shit. I know that we aren't in a real relationships and I'm not a clingy, possessive type of girl, but don't I matter to him enough for an explanation?  Don't I deserve to know if he is getting all physical with somebody else? I told him about the guy I went on a few dates with the past month. I pretty much told him everything about that guy, and he nudged me to stop seeing him if I wasn't really that into him. And so, I broke it off with that guy. Partially for Andrew. For his feelings and to see if maybe something more could develop between us.
I guess what bothers me the most is that I don't really matter. What bothers me is that he would drop what we had to be with another girl and keep me around for emotional support. Either that, or he would think that it's fine and fuckin' dandy to see another girl while having a thing with me still. Am I, myself, not enough for him then?
If he really did get with another girl right after me, I'll be so much more upset than I am right now.
Right now I'm just angry. I am so mad at him. Why would he do this to me? How could he?
Knowing my history, he should know to be a little bit more sensitive to me. I thought he understood me, but it looks like I was completely wrong.

Once a player = always a player? I fucking guess so.

-That Girl,  just got home from angrily walking my pug around the block.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Friends With Benefits and No Game Part I

Dear Diary, (2:00 AM, 6/20/12)

rage comics - How Could You Not Know?!
Relationships suck.

I have so many emotions and thoughts running through me right now that there is no way I could possibly fall asleep in the next hour or two. My stomach hurts and so does my throat, and I can't get over the pain in the pit of my heart. The stomach pain is from my random cravings and sudden hunger of junk food. My throat hurts from my continuous blabbing of stupid shit today. My heart hurts from being pulled in all these different directions, stemming from my incapability to make a clear cut decision and stick with it.
And I'm not even PMS-ing. What is going on?

I don't even know where to start.
Here's the quick run-down/rub-down/reply of recent events:

The Main Event:
I talk to the aforementioned friend with benefits ("Andrew") every single day now. I have no idea what he thinks about me and it's finally starting to eat me up inside. It's really difficult to comprehend what is going on with me and him. There's all the signs that he's into me, and there's all the signs telling me that I'm seeing something there that's not even real. He always asks me what it means if somebody kisses me, and after I go like, "Uh, I don't know...", he says, "It means the guy likes you." But of course, I've been avoiding The Talk. The Talk about what our relationship status is. I would hate to date one of my best friends, end up breaking up and hating each other, and never talk to them again. It would really break my heart. Is it better to wait out on something that could very well be a great thing for a short while so that you may keep the good thing you have going for...forever? I'd like to keep him in my life for moral support and all that good shit. If we date, it would never be the same between us. But the thing is, I don't know if I should be dating other guys and still keep talking to him every night like I've been doing. We talk every single day on the phone, ever since my summer started. It's him calling me, too. I really admire the way he cares about how my day is going, what I'm up to, and the advice on problems I encounter on a daily basis. He's someone I can share the small stuff with. And that's what I want in a relationship. So what's the point in ruining this whole thing by putting a label on it? WELL, FRIEND, I'm rambling right now, but I'l go ahead and tell you what the point is right now! If we decide to actually go ahead and label this a real-ass relationship with the "babe" and "baby" names we call each other converting into pet names with actual meaning behind them, I won't be confused anymore. And how great would that be! I don't want to be confused anymore.
That's the point, buddy. That's the point. I absolutely hate not knowing what my relationship with somebody means. I hate the "talking" / "dating" phase of human interactions. My best friend thinks that the part before it all becomes official is the best part because it's exciting. But honestly? I think the real relationship is the exciting part. That's the part when you can start being yourself with a person and let your guard down. My guard is pretty much up until the relationship status is clear. After all, I don't want to let somebody in as my everything (Or as rachet girls like to say, "Errythaaang.") if I don't even know if they are going to meet somebody new and walk away with no strings attached. I suppose I have an insecurity of being left behind for something better and compensate by not letting anybody catch up with me in the first place. Letting somebody in my life is the scariest thing in the world. Or putting somebody into my daily routine? That's scary enough as is. If they leave suddenly, I'd be sad. I don't want to be sad, either.
I saw his Facebook status as something like, "I wish I could read your thoughts so I wouldn't be left in doubt and disarray. I really want to know, but I'm afraid." What. The. Fuck.
I don't want to be sad and I don't want to be confused anymore. Is this what always happens when a best friend changes into a best friend with benefits?

The Half-Time Event:
I hung out with the aforementioned (okay, so maybe he hasn't really been mentioned in the past few months or so) Light Bright Barney, standing for "Light Bright Barney" due to his colorful attire and favorite color of purple. He does dress pretty good for wearing such bright colors though. He likes wearing those fitted caps with team names on them, Nikes, Vans, or Jordans, and a fitted outfit of something like a v-neck and Levi's.
He's a baseball player, which I must admit is a little bit attractive. A bit, a bit.
The weird thing was though...

Okay, I'm honestly too mentally exhausted to break down the Half-Time Event right now. So, I'll just say that I'll finish this post the next time I feel up to it enough.

-That Girl, isn't summer marvelous.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Why Prom Sucks if You Are Single.

Dear Diary,

Prom is supposed to be a happy time for everybody. Well, maybe a bittersweet time. After all, it's the major event of your teenage years and the emphasis on having a "prom date" is at large. But if you're single, it sucks. I'm still a junior, but I really just wish I had somebody special to go to prom with. For my junior prom this year, I've finally come to the realization that I am COMPLETELY out of prospects for a date. I have guy friends who would have probably agreed to go with me, except that they all have their own love lives to get on with. Yeah, I like giving them advice and suggestions on how to get their girls, but at some point you start to get the feeling like you yourself does not especially matter to anyone. It's a strange thing, but lately I've given a ton of thought to the guys who I used to talk to, who used to like me as a close friend or more. I've been thinking about what went wrong and if they ever miss my company.
It kinda hurts actually, to think that everybody eventually moves on past me. I have these weird walls up that tend to pop up when a person starts getting too close to me. I block them from my life, drift away to see if I'll be pulled in, or cancel plans to see if they'll reschedule. The thing is though, that nobody wants to keep pulling. Nobody wants to feel like they're being played and jerked around with. At some point, they stop pulling because they think that you don't want to be pulled at all. I don't have a hurting heart at the moment, but I feel a heaviness that won't quite lift. I've wished on so many occasions in my life to go back a year or two and change the way everything plays out for me. I'm not all that content with where I've ended up at in my life and the way that I've treated others. It's strange, because I believe that it's more common in guys, but I think that I have a fear of intimacy. Well, that or the commitmentphobitis that I mentioned in a previous post.
I can't help feeling as though I keep on burning one bridge to another, and leave myself dangling on a cliff so often.
And then there's that one guy that I can't get over. The guy I went to the junior prom with last year. My friends are sick of me talking about him, I know this for a fact. But he's just incredible. A tad dorky, but still very "cool". Intelligent and cute, he's got such a kind heart and a sense of humor that matches my own. How do you get over somebody who you can find no error in?
I'm sure he got over me monthsss ago, though. But something in the back of my head says, "It could work if you try again." It was different when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up two years ago, I knew I'd get over him because there were many personality characteristics I didn't like in him and I wasn't really attracted to him very much. But this other guy...oh maaaan he's so cute. Everything about him is just great. I don't think he knows that I still have feelings for him in the pit of my heart, but I just don't have the gusto and courage to admit what I feel. I asked him to be my friend just a few months ago for heaven's sake!
But when it comes down to it, he's the only guy I'd want to go to prom with. He's not one of those guys who just wanna grind all up on a girl or see her in a tight dress, he's got class and perspective on the world. He's well-traveled and INTERESTING. That's a rare thing nowadays with the majority of the population wanting nothing but to think the same way as everybody else. Everyone else is boring. He's...different. It's torture to hold myself in this situation instead of making that dive, but I'm too scared to be hurt more than the hurt I feel leaving myself stuck like this.
My once "friends with benefits"-ish friend is starting to drift away a bit, and I think it's because he thought I felt more towards him than I did. But I do feel something there. There was potential for a future relationship, but how can I be with one guy that I kind of have feelings for when there's another guy who I'm completely infatuated with?

-That Girl, foot in my mouth, shooting myself in the foot, and whatever other metaphor revolving around a "foot" of mine.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Commitmentphobitis Repercussions

Did you know that penguins find only one mate to stay with for their whole lifetime?

Dear Diary, (3:00 Pm, 4/8/12)

It's been a while, huh? Well, life is tough and I'm just tryin' keep from getting knocked down too hard every month.

The thing I've realized about myself is that I harbor a massive underlying fear of commitment when it comes to guys. I mean, I just freak the fuck out when me and a guy start getting too close to each other. I guess life has just taught me that good things don't last for long and I know too well that the drop from everything-is-going-so-great-I-wish-these-days-would-last-forever-life-is-gooood crashing down to the nothing-is-working-out-I-want-ben&jerrys-right-now phase.

So, I have this continuous tendency to push guys away when things are going too good. It's always when they're starting to take an increased interest into my life, or the moment I get that oh too familiar pang in my heart that lets me know about my capacity to have my heart crushed by another individual. If you go through that whole "follow your heart" shit, you usually end up looking like the biggest fool. I mean, you've seen that scene in Bad Teacher where the kid admits his feelings for his little crush right? It's the same the when you get older, except that instead of saying, "I like you so much and your pretty hair!" you end up saying, "Are you free tomorrow night? We could go see a movie." I've never been rejected before, but I'm positive that the sting of it affects people young and old the same way.
In any circumstance, "liking" somebody close to you holds a lot of risk in itself, but taking action after that? Scariest thing EVAAAR. I always imagine a long awkward pause between me and guys that I start to get to know. You know that awkward pause that says,
"I have nothing to say to you. Sorry."
Or OHH OHH, you know the awkward smile? You must be aware of how the awkward smile looks. It's the awkward smile that is wide with no teeth showing accompanied by slightly raised eyebrows to show recognition of the other person. There's no words and a quick look down to the floor or the opposite direction right after. It's the look that my ex gives me and the look I get from all the other guys who I used to "talk" to. I mean come'onnn I'd rather get a high five to show that we're cool with each other or a head nod...the middle finger would even be a nice change of pace. The Awkward Smile is like a little wrench in my heart.
I loathe that pain in the heart I get from guys. That pain in my chest and rapid heart beat I feel when I think about the good times I used to have with somebody, but that good time that I'll never, EVER, have again. Like, with my ex. I know I'd never date him again, but if I were to think long and hard enough about the good memories we've had together that my young self will never experience again, I could probably make myself sad. But that's stupid. Who would do that to themself? BAD IDEA.

Thinking about all the heartbreak and letdowns I've experienced in my love life has resulted in this Commitmentphobitis that I have been challenged with lately. I've been getting awfully close with my friend. I'll call him Andrew for the sake of being anonymous on this blog all these years. We've made out a few times and all that sin-y stuff. Never had sex, mind you. And we used to always joke around about calling each other "babe" and "baby" and all that stuff just for fun. But after you share enough romantic moments with somebody you talk to everyday, talk on the phone most nights about how your day went and any drama you gets you thinking. It gets you thinking about why it isn't an official kind of relationship. There's the strong emotional connection and strong physical connection, and you guys are so comfortable when you hang it's basically dating somebody for a long time and calling them your friend.
There's a ton of things that I don't really like about him. That he doesn't know how to let go of his inhibitions and be goofy in public, he might get embarrassed. I don't like that. I want a guy with a very wide sense of humor. There's the fact that I don't like his hair, it's kinda weird. I don't like his shoes, they're ugly as hell. I don't really like how he dresses at all to be honest with you. So am I shallow for thinking this way? Well no, I'm not saying that it's the material things about him that are preventing me from truly liking him. I just don't really like that stuff about him. He's a really comforting guy though. I can really be myself around him and laugh loudly at my own jokes and not care what he thinks about me since we are friends. And he's really fun to make out with. Just saying.
But there's also the fact being that he's a bit of a wimp. He wouldn't stand his ground if a guy was messing with him. He'd apologize and back up. That's not attractive. I'm a small girl, so I'd actually prefer to be with a tougher kind of guy. Feminists come at me, but I'd just feel safer with a guy who could defend me if there came I time when I needed it. Emotional support is cool too, don't get me wrong, but I'd like the tough guy to be there for me.
Here we go with Stage 3 of Commitmentphobitis: finding reasons to push the guy away.

Wooooooo, it feels nice to get all that out. Lazy post day.
I can't believe I'm 17 already. I'll be an adult soon.
Better use my teenage time wisely.

-That Girl, lost in translation.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Can girls and guys be just friends?

Dear Diary, (11:18 PM on January 1st, the first day of the year 2012. And the new year couldn't have come at a better time. Not that the new year constitutes all sins to be forgiven by those we actually give a shit about; the religious sins and just general sins in general like greed, lust, and sloth that is. And ya'know, swearing is probably a sin too in somebody's book.)

My brother says that the new year's arrival isn't a good reason to change bad habits; that bad habits should be corrected right on the spot, or whenever it is we have time to fix them, not in a whole YEAR'S time to make things better. And that made sense to me. Because I always say that I'll change for the better when ... the new school semester starts, when the week ends, when I start going to sleep earlier, or when I stop being lazy. Why not start correcting your mistakes when you realize that what you're doing is wrong?
Aw, well.

I haven't written in a while on this blog because I've been busy sinning, according my own accord of course. I couldn't say that my sins are relating to any religion, as much as I just know that whatever it is I'm doing ain't exactly considered what a good girl does. Personally, I'm not really religious, but I'd be lying if I haven't had tears streaming down my face and my palms together facing towards the sky while I pray to "whoever it is up there". Buddha, Jesus, God, man I've prayed to Zeus; all of these holy figures at the same time. Anybody who could make some life-altering decisions for me to change would be helpful! Ya'know, besides something scary sounding like that guy from the Halloween movie. That movie scares the shit outta me.

Anyways. To get to the topic.
Teenage friendships. It's true that yes, in fact you can have a long-lasting friendship with a member of the opposite sex. But yes, it is indeed true (like explained in great detail in the marvelous movie "When Harry met Hally") that the sex thing gets in the way. You know that the guys you're friends with probably has checked you out a few times before. If you guys hang out closely, the possibilities of you two somehow having one of those cheesy-ass romantic-comedy moments are pretty high up there.
I happen to have lots of those, but do they ever result to anything in the end? NAH. Because although I happen to have quite a few "moments" with guys, it never ends up working out correctly. Because if you end up with just one too many of these "moments", prepare yourself to end up in a very awkward situation of the two of you uncomfortable with each other and literally walking out the room when you guys spot one another.
Yes, I am ranting. And yes, I am speaking from personal experience. And that is because, there are FOUR different guys who have succeeded in falling for me-and me falling for them in one way or another also-and awkward attempts to pretend that "nothing is wrong" never fail to result.
Have you seen the movie "The Ugly Truth"? Sure you have. Have you seen the scene where the two friends kiss in the elevator after a whole night of having those freaking cheesy, leading-on moments? Of course you have. And then you saw the scene where he realizes that YES this is the girl for him and he marches out his hotel room to find her and spill his freakin' heart out.
Well guess what you dumbass producers of current mainstream productions of romantic-comedies, that SO IS NOT how life actually works! Seriously though!!
Just like the movie "Friends with Benefits". He ends up falling so hard for her emotionally fucked-up self and she just wants to be with him too. They just rebound on one another and end up in this perfect little relationship of being best friends who have sex and love each other.
See, friends with benefits don't even work like that! I would know!
Maybe they had too much sex or something...I don't know. I've never really had sex with a guy, but I know that friends-who-make-out-and-give-one-another-hickeys doesn't actually work out very well, kid! It's not like me and that guy even planned to do all that either. We just happened to be really, really good friends and I happened to sleep over at his house once or twice. Hickeys were inevitable between us, unfortunately. We were friends for a long time though. Just good friends who were not attracted to each other (I think he's way too skinny, and he thinks that I am also way too skinny. Yay to no self-confidence!), called each other often, and ranted about our love lives. Yeah, yeah you might think that all those lead up to us falling for each other, but all it really ends ups as is a night of regrets and awkward feeling towards each other, while doubting their real intentions of the friendship and completely over thinking about your fun and embarrassing night!

So I beg to ask the question: Can girls and guys be just friends without the sex thing getting in the way? If you guys are emotionally connected really strongly, who's to say that one long conversation about world events won't lead to the topic of something that will get you totally in the moment to start making out!

MANOHMAN, I've been single one and a half year way too long!
That's all for today folks! Hope you didn't explode your hand on fireworks this new year's day. Owie.

-That Girl, I give up on the male population. But us girls are annoying. Guess I'm left to be single until the end of time!