Dear Diary, (Forrest Gump is kind of my favorite movie in existence, if you didn't know.)
This is my first on-the-go post that I've ever made, but it is also the first time in a very long time where I have witnessed something that gave me such hope for the unexpected, pleasant surprises coming in the future. So often people are stuck in their problems, refusing to enjoy the coincidences and random experiences that life provides them. We forget that life is not planned out and that you seriously never know what is coming next. Every year things change so much, sometimes better and sometimes not, but eventually life will bring some of the better changes. I have seriously not felt such a surge of inspiration to blog and will to embrace life like this since what's-his-face broke my heart. I feel as though life always hints all kinds of symbolic shit to take notice of things I've been ignoring. I'm not religious, so I can't say, "God is sending me a message in this butterfly," but I can say that appreciating and logically thinking over the little things in your life can be quite inspiring.
Life is often as enjoyable as we make it out to be, and I personally really don't want to look back at my life as a single 47 year old woman saying, "Oh no, I wasted my time being a miserable adolescent who complains about bad things that have already happened and lingers for no good reason. Woe is me, SON." Well, more or less.
So this is what happened...
Okay, okay, first here's some background for why this certain event was significant to me:
Lately I've been really upset because of that "friend with benefits" who basically played me out, asked for apologies, and then continued on with his new girl. After he asked out that one girl who I talked about (rather, angrily sobbed about and described slightly) in the last post, I kept talking to him like I wasn't upset, although I did stop responding to his texts and calls the first two weeks after he broke his new-relationship news to me. But at some point, pretending like I wasn't upset with him was really bothering me so I just broke down and told him that I was mad at him. He explained that he wasn't planning on getting with her, but jumped at the opportunity when it presented itself. Apparently, he kissed her two days after I came over to his house. But he never told me, even though I talked to him that night he was with her and he lied that he was "At home cleaning all day, but tired now."
Right, cleaning his bed before and after she came over made him real tired, I bet. I guess the lying to me hurt the worst, because if he was a real friend he'd tell me the truth even though it might make me feel strange about the situation. But he talked to me that night and the next week too, although he was quick to omit any details about hooking up with this dream girl of his.
What it all boils down to is that he was interested in me until he got what he wanted and could move on to someone else, while keeping me on the sidelines. Of course he tried to make it sound like none of it was on purpose and the time of everything just happened to go the way it did, but in reality, he could have kissed her any other time before I slept with him. The whole year of texting all day and talking for hours at night and the whole summer of asking me to hangout meant nothing once I gave in to "it" and TWO DAYS LATER he would go on to get at another girl. Like really though? Two days?! It's a tad ridiculous for him to do that, no?
Even though half of me had been wanting to keep being his friend after that, the other half of me was hurt and angry at his actions. It was so messed up!
Now, all of this was on my mind while I was sitting on a bus from downtown after hanging out with my best friend during the day (Yes, the best friend who introduced Ex-Boyfriend to me 2 years ago). She had to meet up with someone else that afternoon so I decided to go home early to get some must-needed rest after all the heartache and stress I've been having lately. It's all making my face break out, dammit!
I like to sit in the middle of buses where there are four seats facing each other since these seats don't have as much of that florescent light shining at you and it feels more spacious too. (I was about to write "a bit more" at first, but I stopped myself because "a bit" is one of those phrases that the Ex-FWB used to say and it still makes upset to think about since we used to talk so much...and it was ALL A LIE BECAUSE HE'S A JERK. Aha, okay I'm done.)
On this certain day, the bus kept getting delayed for some reason so I ended up waiting around the bus stop for like 45 minutes. Not cool, right? Hold on, this'll be a part of the metaphor I concoct from this whole story!
Finally, the bus came and I sat in my favorite middle seat of the bus with two empty seats across from me and one empty seat next to me. (No, I don't meet a guy who sits next to me by the end of this story, unfortunately.)
Ahhhh, I was too tired (and not frustrated enough) to keep writing about this story the day it happened, so the details about it are kind of fuzzy to me now. But the story must go on!
So, I was passing downtown and listening to songs like "I'm Yours" by Jason Myraz because my phone decided to die out on me (the song selection was just making me more miserable) when the bus suddenly stopped. And we were just sitting there on the bus for much longer than usual. The bus patrol people came onto the bus and everyone was prepared to show their bus passes to them, but they weren't there to check for bus fares. This one random bus patrol guy came onto the back steps of the bus, calling out,
"Excuse me everybody, but there is a bomb threat for this bus. The situation is being taken care of, but this bus is going to be taking a different route from usual."
Naturally, everybody was freaking the fuck out. I mean, who wants to blow up on their bus ride home, right?
So I lower the volume on my iTouch so I can listen to the individual freak-outs from the strangers around the bus who are discussing the bad news.
I actually thought that the bus patrol guy was saying that there was a bomb ON the bus, which was confusing because we didn't evacuate the bus screaming for our lives. The bomb, I eavesdropped about on the bus later on, was actually just a threat of a possible bomb in a building downtown. Turns out, there was no bomb.
An older woman sits in a sit opposite from me. When you first look at her, she just looks beautiful. It's strange how society doesn't like their woman to age, because laugh lines and crows feet, to me at least, show that a person has had lots of laughs in their life. It's like how people say that some have "wisdom" in their eyes. If it's okay to have wisdom in your eyes, I think it should be okay to have lines of laughter on your face! Anyway. She had this long black hair and makeup in place. One of those ladies that are 45 years old, but could pass for a woman in her 30's. This woman, I never caught her name, was talking on the phone in an upbeat, bubbly tone that wasn't fake as if she were trying to sound young, but as if she was a genuinely youthful person.
She's on the phone with her friend, but hangs up when the bomb-announcer came onto the bus. She looks like she's half Asian and half white, if not a hundred percent Asian. Not a very skinny woman, but not a big-boned woman either. I hope I look like her when I get older! An African-American guy sits next to her with a hat similar to one that Jazz from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air would wear. As the woman hangs up with her friend and says something along the lines of, "Okay, I'll hit you up later," which was really cute for some reason, the man sat down across from me. She puts her phone away and says, "Today is just not my day!" regarding the bomb-threat traffic and all. He says, "I know what you mean." And somehow they end up talking about how he just moved to our city and that everybody is really friendly around here. The two really hit it off after introducing themselves to the other. I missed what their names were, but I caught her telling him that she's around 45 years old. Give or take a few years, I was only half eavesdropping after all! He looks at her and says that she looks much younger. He is, he tells her, 38 years old and she, "Can't believe it!" The woman tells him that he looks much younger than the age he told her.
An hour on the bus passes by and this random-looking couple seems to really connect. He'd say that she's making him blush and she'd touch his arms as she laughs, telling him that he's making HER blush. It was really cute. They end up talking about their families, and their careers. She's a business woman who just got off of work and I'm not sure what his job was, but he had some kind of black hat on. OH YEAH, he said that he's a chef. Now I remember. Which leads them to talking about working with each other sometime. Isn't life lovely when you're open to what comes your way?
The woman had the teeth of an older woman and he had the spaced-out teeth of a guy who never got the chance to invest in some nice braces. Neither person was perfect, but they evidently made the other person happy in their company.
She even says that she wishes she had something better on today, but that she couldn't wait until she could change into a t-shirt and pair of sweats when she gets home. He says that there is nothing wrong with that.
They blush some more and giggle at the other person's little jokes.
At some point, she gives him her business card and says that he can contact her if he wants to.
They really seemed to like each other, and it got me thinking...
what was the chance of them meeting and connecting the way that they did?
In the city I live in, there are hundreds of people walking past each other and sitting next to each other without ever speaking a word. Most days have no real significant change or event that impacts days that come after, but the ones where something special does happen? It's definitely something to not only embrace, but also something to look forward to. Things change so much every year, and in really random ways.
If there wasn't a bomb threat on my bus, would these two individuals ever start talking the way that they did? I have never in my life seen two people on the bus have a non-stop, hour long conversation about their lives and connect on that very special-level that only comes your way every so often. I think that what we can learn from this...
is that good things come from bad things. Bad things, scary things, sad things can all lead people into something better than they had before. Challenging yourself to feel new things, letting yourself embrace every new experience, these are not easy to do, but they are all part of the growing experience. It's so funny to be a senior in high school now, knowing all that I know about relationships, family, friendships, and myself.
It's scary how much I've matured in the past four years, even scarier think that I'll probably be a completely new person in another four years.
Anyway. So the reason why waiting for the bus for a really long time was significant in this story is because in life you sometimes need to wait out miserable things for a really long time before good things come around. Even though everything seems like rock-bottom, you need to remember that you can only go up from there. Just like in Bridesmaids.
You might say that I am completely full of bull after reading this story, but I do beg to ask the question of what the chances are that after all the days I take the bus, why did I encounter this seemingly random event on a day when I had felt like all the happiness and hope in life was sucked out of me?
I personally think that life was trying to tell me something. Something like,
"Look forward to what you can't see yet."
The Emotional Relapse:
CASE # 10, or some ridiculous number like that. Every few days I get upset again about something involving what happened with him.
How could he do this to me?
How is he going to call me after he spends the whole day with his new girlfriend that he likes so much and tell me that he had a great day and that he just wants to be friends with me again like we used to be?
I was perfectly fine not talking to him the past few days and every time I get a break from him I reflect on the whole thing and realize that I'm fine without him, but right after he calls me all the emotions come back.
And each time he calls me and I tell him that I'm still not okay with everything that happened with him, he finds a way to turn it back to me, as if I am the one who caused all of this on myself and he did nothing that was actually wrong?
How can he just spend his whole day caring for this girl and call me while he walks home to talk to me about how happy he is? I actually just got off of the phone with him and told him that I wasn't mad at him anymore, but don't like him as a person very much. I told him that I kind of want to be like, "Oh okay, it's cool," but that that's not how I am. He said that:
a.) "You said we should stop doing what we were doing, so I was like alright"
I THINK HE ALREADY HOOKED UP WITH HER AT THIS POINT THOUGH.
What can we learn from these types of relapses?
Stressing over a guy who is an a relationship with another girl is stupid. It is so dumb. Get a hold of yourself idiot,
there is somebody sooooo much better out there. Seriously. Do you realize how foolish this is. I'm not asking you that, I'm stating it.
Find a catchphrase to repeat to yourself every single time you feel like beating yourself up because of a guy. My brother and the love of his life recently broke up and he's in a horrible place, but hanging out with her last week gave me a good perspective of breakups. She told me that every time she felt like calling him up from a place of loneliness or post-breakupness, she would repeat to herself, "You are not weak!" She would even go up to a mirror and say to her reflection that phrase. I actually started doing it myself, when nobody is around me to hear, natch, and it really works!
Here's some good catchphrases/heal-your-heart techniques:
o Slap yourself and get your shit together.
o Be a Man and Fight the Huns.
o You are not a fool.
o You are not weak. <- Works every time, honey bun.
o No guy is worth getting upset over, NO GUY who treats you wrong.
Heal ya'self techniques:
o Give yourself a self-destruction limit. You cannot eat your feelings, not wash your hair, and soak your dog in tears from crying sessions forever.
o Get a job/hobby/throw yourself into your schoolwork or job. You need to find a new passion besides making out with your last boo.
o Watch Casablanca several times. Or an equal slap-your-face movie for you. Bridesmaids, possibly?!
o Find something to look forward to in the near future. Not the stupid mindset of, "In a year from now it'll all be water under the bridge, so I'll just go into a little caterpillar-cocoon-metamorphosis phase until then. It's cool."
-That Girl, over it forreal this time and not running back.
10/14/12 Update: He broke up with her! WOOOOO!
The Ex-FWB broke up with the seemingly perfect Korean girlfriend because she was too dumb and they had no spark. Good to hear! He said that he broke up with her and they agreed that it was all a mistake, and he is now going out with another pretty girl. But the good news is that I don't even care about that anymore!
He can date the freakin' world of pretty girls, but I bet that it won't work out with any of them because he is a player, an asshole, and too picky. Also, he is a little bitch. And he's not even good in bed. Who gets too tired to keep going after like 3 minutes? GEEZ. Not to mention -holds up pinky-, if you know what I mean. HAH.
I don't even care who he is dating! Because I don't want him in that way! We have absolutely no romantic connection and he never even bothered asking me out after the whole time we've known each other because I told him when we first met 2 years ago that I would never go out with him! "Because we're friends!" I told him. Thank Goodness I told him that! Good job, sophomore me; you actually did something right that year!
He has a new girlfriend, like within a week or two of breaking up with his last girlfriend. He didn't leave me because I'm ugly/boring/dumb/annoying, it's because he is a HORRIBLE person! Am I right, or am I right?
-That Girl. Woooooo!