Wednesday, August 3, 2011


^ Prominent. No, not "predominant," OAF.

Dear Diary (4:55 PM on 8/3/11, I tricked my friends into not talking to me for 3 days straight by telling them that my vacay was way longer than the short day trip it was. Now I have an excuse to stay home and read and be anti-social instead of going out with friends to listen to them talk shit about our mutual friends, grovel about guys they harbor unrequited love for, and watch them kill bottles of very light alcoholic beverages with fruity flavors. NOPE, now I can sit home and read Goosebumps or old Judy Blume novels! And I'm legitly happy about this!)

I think I have trust issues. Or rather, I just think on the negative side of relationships. Of course, I'm not an emotional wreck with friends and boyfriends and family members by whining of how they're all going to leave me one day as I sit in my pink-curtained room reminiscing of memories I can never repeat. Even though I do actually have pink curtains.

Maybe I don't have trust issues as much as I just have a lot of self-esteem issues. I probably don't have enough self-esteem most of the time, that or I'm secretly an insecure mess devouring squares of Gharadelli chocolate with caramel inside and overthinking the entirety world.
I've just been kind of negative lately.
Like, I feel like whenever things are going really good, things are going to get bad quick.
When I make a new friend, I get insecure and feel like they're going to move on from me and find a better replacement.
When I had a boyfriend, I was never scared that he would cheat on me or that another girl might try to swoop him from me, I was just insecure that he'd find another girl that was better looking, taller, smarter, funnier, and more in sync with him than I was. He didn't really, but him having a best girl friend who he used to have a MAJOR thing for until she got another boyfriend and broke his heart, I couldn't get over the fact that she would always be number one to him and not me. Truthfully, I felt as if I couldn't live up to his standards of being her. I didn't want to BE here, natch, but I wished I was prettier and cuter or...I don't know, whatever she had that I didn't, still don't have.
Clearer skin? She has that. Nice teeth? Her braces job turned out better than my own. Boobs? Hers are larger. At least my boobs extend past me sticking out my tongue from the side now, but still! Why should I have to compete with another girl anyways?
Here's some advice girls: You should not have to compete with any other girl for your boyfriend's attention. If you do, he doesn't care about you enough. Unless it's like his mother or something of course.
But that was last summer. I was so happy last summer. I feel really...bland this summer. It's coming to a close, and I feel as if I have nothing to show! Last summer, I could say I went on a trip to L.A. and got myself a boyfriend who's really sweet.
This summer. What am I going to say about this summer?
"Oh yeah well I uh...worked at an office part time...those girls who used to call me "BFFL" (which I personally thought was dumb as fuck, I definitely was not bestfriendsforever with those jealous bitches) stopped talking to me because my best friend stopped being mad at them and now they won't get off her tits but won't hit me up to come near mine, my rabbit died spiraling me into a slight-depression for 2 days, not to mention a rousing day trip to Virginia City to pick up souvenirs so I could pretend I actually had a fantastic time ...and that's about it...oh yeah, I spent a good week icing this giganto zit on my face which I named Marvin...and my life sucks! Pretty cool right? How was yours? TELL ME, I REALLY WANT TO KNOW, BITCH."
Do I offend?

It's kind of weird, but I don't feel lonely or desperate or angry these days. I just feel incredibly nostalgic with a layer of sadness in me that won't go away. I suppose I'm just losing faith in good things happening to me. They say karma is real, but like they say in 500 Days of summer: there is no fate, and everything is just a mere coincidence. I don't know what to believe.
All I know is that I'm not lonely, but I wish somebody was there for me. I feel like I'm always there for everybody, and I mean...they're THERE if I need them, but I don't see nobody reaching out to make sure I'm okay when I'm really not.
I'm always there to listen and everything, and they listen to me when I'm sad...but it's like I don't want people to KNOW I'm sad. That's where my Bunny came in, listened without judging me. I might sound like a freak that I would use my rabbit as my therapist, confession booth, and best friend, but people do the same with their dogs and cats and lizards and muskrats, so it's actually not so strange. It's like having a baby brother. He listens and gives you a baby kiss if you're sad, but can't reply to what you're saying. It's less about listening to the words, as much as it's just about understanding the emotion and being there.
So maybe I kind of want a boyfriend now to be there and listen and not judge me, but at the same time, I seriously enjoy being single. I like being able to do what I want, talk to whomever I feel like, meet new people without feeling like you're betraying someone.
But I'm just rambling on and on here. I wasn't actually planning on making this post, but this is a good place to let it all out. People always think I'm happy. I smile, I laugh, I joke. I listen and I compliment, I don't normally insult or judge. I'm really empathetic, when I see somebody sad, I get surprisingly sad for a really long time. If a see a homeless family, sad and grimy and so helpless, I think about it for hours after. Like, I still look like I'm smiling and laughing and paying attention to all the jokes my friends make, but when I get home later on I'll sit on my bed and sob. I think about the sad thing I saw, and then start realizing all the sad things in my own life, and then it is GAME OVER SON.
This is a REALLY depressing post, DAAANG! But it's the truthful truth.

-That Girl, do you ever feel lost?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Nervous Nelly's New School Nerves

Song(s) of the Day: Forever by Claude Kelly (Because sweet, slow-dance-esque songs finally don't force my mouth to curl downwards at all anymore; I get a slight nostalgic feel that makes me have a very meager, if not completely insubstantial, warm feeling inside knowing that I have had some one-in-a-lifetime memories that were amazing to think back on, yet definitely will never happen again.)

Quote(s) of the Day: "Why did I blow this opportunity? What is wrong with me?"
-First Date by R. L. Stine. (I know that sounds lame. Shhh, don't tell my friends I'm secretly harboring my identity of a book-worming loser. I don't want to be de-book-wormed. I've heard it's painful.)

Mood(s): Relief. (Not only did I need to get a bunch of stuff off my mind that I've been storing in a small container placed delicately next to the aquarium in the back room of my brain, but the gigantic zit on my left cheek (face cheek of course, you freakin' creep) has shrunken in size after breaking off chunks of ice in the freezer and pressing that frozen H20 up against my face!)

Video(s) of the Day: No, just watch 500 Days of Summer.
Stream it, rent it, buy it, just soak all it up and love it. In other words, be like Spongebob and watch 500 Days of Summer. No wait, that makes no sense...oh forget it, just watch the dang film and you'll have on less thing to regret!


Dear Diary,
Well another short year of my young life (would my life be the listed example of "Wasted Youth" in a phrase dictionary?) has gone by and again here I am in the middle of summer.
Last year I was in my uncle's car on my way to LA to go to the funeral of a family member I had never met. Well, that car is currently smashed somewhere in a car dump as my uncle had crashed that car by now (don't trip, it's actually quite typical of him to crash cars, his current one has a large white colored scar on the side accompanied with some random dents routed from his pole run-ins.). This year I'm in his roughed up car, air conditioning running and my constant fear of the car running into the divider separating 2-way traffic and spiraling into some uncontrollable doughnut as we flip upside down and explode into a large fire. So that's not good.
But last year I was in the car with my tunnel-vision uncle, upset mother, at-tears grandmother (it was her brother's funeral), and angry aunt.
This year I'm on my way to Sparks, Nevada with Tunnel-Vision driving once again, my sorry ass in the back seat where everybody stows away their belongings yet again, and my Ladies Man of a brother in the front seat texting his girlfriend and ex girlfriend periodically as he falls in and out of a much needed slumber. College graduates these days!
I feel like I'm in almost the same place I was last year though funnily enough. Well. Except that last year I had never had a real boyfriend, never kissed a boy at the movie theater, went through heartbreak, had a less than appealing boy on the rebound, then learned how to move on to other boys (the next 2 of whom would eventually make my heart sad, for lack of better descriptions).
Because that's all I went through my sophomore year of high school, and it really sucked!
I'm sorry I haven't been updating you Diary, but I was going through quite too much to haul butt to my laptop and rant my head off. I was actually preparing an extremely long Memoir of my Summer Fling Turned Real Relationship Turned Heartbreak from last summer, but I had second thoughts concerning whether or not it had too many details about the two of us, and I'd hate for him to ever happen to wander over to my blog one day and discover what I really thought about everything. If any of my loyal readers after all this time personally asks me to post that Memoir though, I'll probably publish it here just because of the fact that the reason I wrote it was so that anybody who has been sad in a relationship or after it ends could find a little comfort in knowing that somebody has been through what they're going through, and as nacho cheesy it sounds (HAAH), it will be okay and after some time everything will all get better. Anybody who's interested in reading my Memoir can hit me up with an email or comment and I'll either email you my story or possibly post it up.
Anyways. Yeah, I was sad and going through really complicated emotions that I didn't think were easy enough to put into coherent sentences or decently legible thoughts.
Well. This is Day One of my summer trip. And yet again, I'm sporting the Single Forever banner across my forehead. Think I'll meet anybody cute on my vacation? I kind of hope so, but at the same time, I hope everybody I meet is ugly as fuck so that I don't have any chance to harbor romantic feels for them. I had one boyfriend this year, one rebound, one guy who liked me and I liked until I met somebody else who.I thought I liked better, one guy (who replaced the last guy) who took me to a dance where I truthfully had one of the best nights of my life and he did really romantic things for me.
But with each of them, there's was always something that did work out with us. Three of them I'm extremely awkward with now, and we avoid eachother as much as possible. The one I actually still talk to is he guy I rebounded with, though I recently discovered that he's a really rude guy who's kind of annoying and...I'm kind of embarrassed to be in public with him to tell the truthful truth. He's just so awkward! I mean, I'm an awkward kid too, but I can actually un-awkward myself in public and change into a weirdo instead that challenges friends into the "penis game" (watch 500 Days of Summer if this is something you've never heard of, it's my favorite movie ever because when I was heartbroken and still sometimes now, I play that movie on low volume while I sleep to make myself feel better. Weird, I know) and runs through tunnels with guys holding hands while attempting to hold our breaths to make a wish. But this rebound guy, he's just a freakin' creep. Plus he totally took advantage of my self-control when he knew me and me ex broke up, he so did not hesitate to keep me company when I was feeling low and try his luck getting at me in my wallowing self-pity (I am ashamed to say I ended with a hickey from this creeper, but proud to say that I had never put my lips on his nor let him feel me up more than a once in his lifetime cuddle!)

____ I wrote that ^ on my little one-night, 2-day trip and then never finished it up because I got too tired and attempted sleeping in the car. I now have a terrible ache in my neck. Moral of the story: If you start a post, finish it.

Dear Diary,

Those were my little thoughts a-swimmin' through my little mind two days ago, now I'm back home, sitting on my bed pigging out on slightly stale imitation cheetos ("Baked Cheese Stix" for the win, son!) while watching Love In The Wild on my laptop and reading old school Goosebumps novels. Oh yeah, and I'm single as fuck. But that's besides the point ("First Date" part of the Fear Street series by R.L. Stine can keep me entertained and pleased much more than my ex could anyway. OOHH burn, I know.).

School is starting soon, and I'm kind of uneasy about it more than anything. I'm starting a new school because my mom's house is in a different city than my old school, and therefore I had to apply to schools in the district. What sucks is that this new school will not transfer over my old grades of C- or less from my freshman nor sophomore year. Which means I'm not only short of credits, but also I have to retake the classes I was TERRIBLE at the past few years. Such a Algebra Honors freshman year, I barely passed that shit the first time! And I actually attempting to understand the material sometimes (though usually I copied the previoud night's homework from my friend since I was lazy for daaays)! I'm going to be a Junior in a freshman Algebra class, which really is pretty shameful in itself. I passed it the first time, barely, but still passing. WHY?!
But that, of course, is just half my concern. I also, know of nobody at all at this new school Literally, I do not know one person. I knew like 5 people on the first day of high school freshman year and at least I could use them for comfort and like you know, just knowing that you have people to fall back on is always nice. I could hang out with my old friends, while making new friends. NOW, however, I have to completely start over.
I really just wince thinking about getting off on the wrong foot with people, going around to people saying,
"Hiiiiii, I'm That Girl! What's your name? I just transferred! Cute bracelet! Wanna hang out? OUU CUTE GUY! Hiiii! I'm That Girl! What's your name? I'M CUTE AS FUCK I KNOW."
Because I met a girl like that last year and now I'm paranoid that I might turn out like that out of nervousness. I just want to make the right first impressions without seeming annoying or boring and quiet, you know?
Like, I take a bit to warm up to people. I start out kind of quiet if I'm not completely comfortable, and then I get loud and sarcastic and weird later on. I want to make friends there really badly of course, because I don't want to end up doing a Lindsey Lohan Bathroom Scene from Mean Girls. I'd be like the sequel, no, not the made-for-TV one, the real one where I go to the bathroom stalls to pig out at lunch and hope nobody catches me being a loner. Although, hopefully, there will be no real life Mean Girl sequel to report here. I'm just a little bit freaked out. I've been telling people I'm okay with it all, and they're all like, "Yeah don't worry, you'll make friends!" and I'm like, "YEAH OF COURSE!" with a smile and a shrug as if it's no big deal. But in reality? It's a very big deal. And I'm going out my mind thinking of it. I'm not scared about it, I just feel extremely uneasy.

I do actually have more to say, but it is currently 1:40 AM and I have work tomorrow afternoon. It appears although it is time to go grab my tube of sensitive teeth toothpaste, slather it on my hard-to-reach-places toothbrush (it really gets the backs of the backs, no lie!!), gurgle and rinse, and then say good night. I would usually then go to pet my rabbit Bunny and voice my daily concerns to him with some hay in my hand as a treat as a trade for one of his bunny-kisses, but unfortunately Bunny got sick a week or so ago and is now in rabbit heaven. I was actually depressed about it for like 2 days, I've had Bunny since I was eight years old. That's literally half of my entire life, that's like as far as I can remember back as a child, I can remember having Bunny there by my side to comfort my during the rough times. Sometimes humans don't get it, you don't always want advice or opinions or judgement about yourself, you just want a good listener who will have your back no matter what. Sometimes I just need Bunny, but I know that I can't always depend on him anymore. I'm not eighteen yet, so I can't say that I'm now an adult after Bunny passed away, but I can't say that I'm still a child either.
Two things I have never liked in my lifetime:
o Change
o Loss

I really miss Bunny, and the guilt of seeing him just moment before he think he stayed alive all day until I got home that day just so I could see him before he was gone. Then to feel so helpless, to know that I couldn't help him after seeing the condition he seemed to be in. I hope to never witness such a thing ever again. I don't know if I ever want another pet. I long for the companionship of course, but the loss at the end (much like breaking up with a boyfriend) is more than I can handle. And I could never replace Bunny anyhow.

-That Girl; R.I.P. Bunny. Thanks for being there when nobody else was, thanks for loving me when I could barely stand myself, thanks for the company when I felt alone.

Until next time.