Friday, November 18, 2016

Lost Love ~ End the Good to Begin the Better // There's so much life left to live (ENFP bitch)

Dear Diary,

I ... FOUND MY WALLET!! Because of this, I am completely satisfied with myself again.

I thought that I lost my wallet with a debit card and credit, driver's license, school ID, and $200 in cash inside. It made me miserable. But finding it put a lot of my life into perspective.

How can I be upset about some bum who cheated on me and begged me back for months, when there is SO MUCH TO BE HAPPY ABOUT!

My personality type is like that, I've realized. I've come to the conclusion that I am an eternal optimist because it keeps me going. To have hope for better days ahead. To trust that there are good people in the world and wonderful, wonderful experiences ahead of me. More than that, the pain that I've faced has allowed me to feel joy on such a deeper level than before. I've known what it feels like to wake up with my heart literally in pain, but time let me heal. Over and over again, I went through experiences where I felt as though if I died it wouldn't be too much of a distant fall from the pain in my heart. But I'm dramatic like that, I guess. Each time my heart was broken and I felt like the least attractive and intelligent and worthwhile person who I know, time let me heal again and love myself that much more. The depth of pain from a heartbreak is different for everyone, but for me? Man, I pretty much spend the next few months of my life as a disabled person - no hope, everything (!) make me sad, I don't want to take care of myself, I can't get out of bed or wake up in the morning, I feel shellshocked, I feel isolated and lonely... I'm just not someone you'd want to run into on public transportation because if you do anything nice for me I'll probably act like a homeless person who just received a free dog and start crying out of appreciation.

The hard part about breakups, is reinventing yourself each time. But once you get the hang of it, it's like hey I'm the new girl on the block look at me parade around being cheerful and bettering the lives of everyone I care about while simultaneously looking hotter (b/c happiness looks good on everyone).

I FOUND MY WALLET. Do you know what this means?? I don't have to re-issue each of those cards and just live my life knowing someone is blowing my $200, when I should be totally blowing it on myself! (Sry for sexual innuendo)

How am I ever going to meet a guy who isn't going to cheat on me and who I can let myself love with all my heart all over again - if I don't finally ditch the guy who made me feel worthless for a year?? I'm NOT! I don't believe in karma per-se, but I do believe that it's fucked up when people stay in relationships while waiting for someone better to come along, so they can ditch their current partner and switch off. You could do that, but why would I want to a.) go through that process b.) make the new guy who I love see me be an asshole by ditching the guy I've been seeing >?!

-That Girl, eternally living life with my heart on my sleeve - it gets damaged from being all exposed and shit but that's better than hiding it away and being numb/bitter/cold all the time! I am a romantic and don't want to hate love, I want to love love. I want to find that crazy love again, where I am totally committed and down for the person I date and they are just so crazy about me that they can't contain themselves too. It's possible, it's out there. To click with someone, it's happened before - and darn it I want to find it again!

 LOL. This is so lame. But I'm feeling lame when I'm happy sometimes, because it's soooo much better than being bitter.