Dear Diary, (Note that I've been working on this blog post for say eh, about 3 days off and on)
Shakespeare once told of a certain kind of love.
Unrequited love, that is.
And the way I see it, high school is made up of certain fundamentals, or as I like to call it (to be ironicly depressing yet surprisingly dark humored), FUNmentals.
These FUNmentals also apply to middle school and sadly enough, in even preschool and elementary school; where the roots of innocence are and dirty boy minds, pervertedness, and backstabbing spread rapidly through minds.
It's like having a clean apple and rolling it in mud, which actually sounds pretty funny when you put it that way.
These are my FUNmentals:
Boy loves girl. Girl does not love boy.
Girl loves boy. Boy does not love girl.
Crusher loves crushee but never does anything about it.
Rejection happens oftenly.
If it was the boy rejected, he will most likely try and try again, rejected constantly.
Crush and Crushee like one another. They have nothing to talk about. They do not talk.
Friend likes other friend. They never actually get together. Forget the Some Kind of Wonderful movie babe, it don't happen where I'm from.
Everyone knows when there's a major crush going on around work/school. Everyone but the crushee that is.
Basically, though people never think of it, Unrequited love is everywhere and there all the time. It may not be openly known, or it may be openly acknowledged by all. Sometimes it's kept quiet and it will be a secret never revealed, like mine. Or it may be told to friends, and friends of those friends; spread like wildfire.
But as an end result, it will usually-almost always-end in heartbreak.
SO. Diary, you may ask what my sudden interest in relationship relations is all about.
Naturally, it's a guy. A dude.
(Then again, when it comes to teenage girls, what isn't about guys?)
And yes, I'll admit this time that I think he's really, really, super cute! And I'm not one to get all gushy about guys, mind you.
My last say, 2 crushes? They were very...average looking.
Now. This guy who I'll call...CCAN (No that doesn't stand for "CanCan, Can you do theCanCan?!") which stands for CrazilyCuteAndNice.
He is just adorable. He's not adored by all the girls, or rejected constantly (at least I'm pretty sure). He isn't a geeky and clingy braniac, nor a hard-headed and heartless jock.
CCAN did 2 things this year that I found incredibly sweet, bold, and kind.
You don't find too many guys out there who would do these 2 actions. Not at my school at least.
Our class goes to a bungalow to talk about physical fitness and do paperwork or watch videos in gym every other Monday (Yes, me and him have gym together) and because it's alphabetical order, he sits right next to my desk. And the guy from my old school who I'll call OldSchool sits behind me.
I always talk to OS and one day the guy who sits behind CCAN-one of CCAN's good friends, and if you ask me, he's also leader of their group-was talking about one of my friends. My friend is on the bigger boned side and this guy was saying something like, "Oh you mean the girl with the fat ass?"
I thought, "That's hella mean, you ass!"
And I don't know, maybe I made some facial expression that showed how I felt, but as I looked down at my paper in front of me, I heard a guy say pretty dayum seriously,"Dude, that's hella mean."
He didn't yell it like one of those weird religion-obsessed guys downtown saying,"Girls, do not be hoes!" who hand out flyers with words like slut and virginal sprawled all over them, and he didn't act too serious like a bomb was about to explode in his inner intestine, but he said it a certain way. A certain way I liked a lot.
Oh btw, just to make me like him even more, I saw his profile on Facebook the other day and he didn't join stupid groups like "Pandas are not racist, they are black, white, AND Asian!" (Like duh to that. Obviously they are colored black and white and from an Asian country, but that doesn't mean that they are racist towards the Scandinavian, El Salvadorian, and Swedish communities if you wanna get all technical about it!)
His groups were sick. Or ill. Or cool. Or groovy. Whichever one of those adjectives you prefer to use.
I saw a couple different groups:
Guess What.....What?.....I Love You :).
i am always here if you need me.....
dude.... TREAT YOUR GIRL RIGHT
And then his status last night was really sweet:
The night was awesome... The night sky was clear and windy and full of stars...♥
I wonder if he knows how incredibly perfect he seems? I mean, sure he's got a zit or 2 once in a while, but who doesn't. And he's not the tallest guy ever, but I never like my guys too tall seeing as how I'm pretty short anyway. I'd say he's around 5'6 but he'll grow within the next 3 and 1/2 years, and if he doesn't I'd be happy with 5'6! Remember my FUNmental I said at first?
"Crush and Crushee like one another. They have nothing to talk about. They do not talk."
I think that's where me and him are. CCAN and I have reached an impasse, a rock and a hard place if you will.
My question that tops all is:
What do you talk about with someone you like? How do you start conversations with them when the only class you share with them is gym. Of all class subjects, mine is the hardest to root conversations from. I mean, you can ask about work, and tests and quizzes and projects and homework in all classes...except gym. Randomly asking how many push-ups they can do or if they are physically fit enough to do a mile around the track seems a little strange to ask someone you don't know too well, but want to know a whole lot better.
Or, the worst and most killer of conversations:
That's the best way to get stuck in the friend zone, or rather, just-close-enough-to-talk-with zone.
I want to be close friends with him really badly.
See...the weird thing is that I wouldn't quite call this a CRUSH and definitely not LOVE. I'm just...interested.
And I have no idea what he wants.
I forgot to give you reason numero dos why he seems sweet, bold, and KIND.
We were all leaving the gym's main room and going out to the track to run laps outside. Me and the girl I met at orientation a while ago are basically p.e. buddies and always run/talk/play the physical fitness crapola together, and we were getting up to walk to the track. We all sit down in alphabetical order to take roll before doing our activities and I sit next to OldSchool and we always chat a lot while we stretch and stuff; next to him is a girl I randomly play slide with sometimes, and CCAN is next to SlideyGirl.
There is one guy in my class who never talks, never even speaks a word, and he doesn't really have any friends in the class from what I've seen.
Everyone is standing up and walking to the stairs leading down to the track except the quiet guy. The quiet guy is sitting still and CCAN comes over right in front of me says, "Come on, let's go," and sticks out his hand, helping the quiet guy get up.
It was pretty much one of the sweetest things I've seen from a guy before.
So anyway. That's that.
I'm actually supposed to go to my Teen Leadership Program activity thing today where I help with some event, but I felt the need to get CCAN off my chest first.
He's soooo cute. Like, whoahh baby, can you be any cuter? Such a babe but not in the most conventional way, yet not UNconventional either. Just great. Really. Can I get a "Woot-woot" or "DAYUM" or "Bow chika wowow" ?
Sometimes I see him looking towards me and I look at him too, but I'd hate to blush or seem like I'm staring, so I always just flip my hair in the other direction and continue pretending to be interested in the conversations around me.
And there's one more topic I wanted to cover today:
Seeing someone you know from school on a bus or the mall or any other public area in which you are compelled to either say "Hi," and have an awkward conversation, "Hi" or wave and walk away, or completely try to block your face and avoid any vision of you from the other person.
Basically awkward meetings of people you don't really know, but truthfully, do know a little bit just from being in the same class or having a similar group of friends or any other way.
Honk Honk, all boarding the Awkward Express; destination: Awkward Central, -evil robot voice- there's is no escape, resistance is (DURR) futile.
Oh! Now that I'm on a roll with blogging today, I should catch you up on some stuff that's been going on.
-You remember LBB (LightBrightBarney) right? He asked me to Facebook marry him and first I thought he was joking until I got the marriage request. Because I didn't have the heart to reject him, I said yes and accepted. I just hope that guys I'm interested in don't think that there's actually something going on between the two of us! If my Facebook profile still reads:
Married to: LBB
in 3 or 5 or 10 years, then I'll know there's a problem going on. I plan to "divorce him" sometime around Spring Break. I can say that I found someone else or something like that just for kicks.
-You really must remember MissStucky from my middle school and late elementary school years too. She was the bitch who I befriended and we were uber-tight throughout middle school until 8th grade when she thought she could win back her ex-best friend (Remember PrincessGiggles?) who deserted the two of us in about 5th grade. One day in 8th grade we were walking toward the bus stop together, just the two of us. We were the pair of friends who just talked and talked and talked about anything and everything, or at least she talked and I listened. The next day she would barely talk to me at all. I said something funny and went all like, "Right, MS?" and she just nodded slightly like she barely wanted to acknowledge her presence. I mean, what the hell was her problem? MS must have been pretty effin' pissed off when one day PG declared me as her best friend as we started an old school game of 4-square during p. e. one day. The rest of 8th grade if MS talked to me or saw I was even in the perimeter around her, she tried to be the biggest possible bitch she could think of in her huge-ass yet completely empty dumb-ass head.
Now cut to high school. See the gaggles of giggling girls, the jocks with girls surrounding them-note that in high school it is SO not uncommon to see a group of girls with one guy hanging around them, soaking up the attention-, and see two different reigning groups. Although there might actually be 3, 2 of them combine to the bitch clique. That clique I like to stray from. You know what happens when too many queen bees take up eachother's presences...
One alpha group is me, and my three girl friends. You probably would call us the more chill, friends with everyone girls, who guys like a lot. Note that none of us have boyfriends though we have a lot of boy friends if you know what I mean. I'm soo not boasting my ego here though. Because honest to your God--or-non-god--of truth, we do reject quite a lot of guys. I'd say that we all are pretty good looking, dress pretty nice without the "trying too hard" factor or the clone factor where we all look like the exact same person.
The other two groups. One has my old friend Mindy in it, we hung out almost everyday in the beginning of the year but now it's just a "Hi" here and there once in a while. I don't really know what happened to out friendship. It drifted away? Everybody says that. The truth is always that one of them changed, for good. It's weird what people will do to try to be in the "in" crowd when really it's just people who dress nice, look good, and backstab a whole lot. Even though, yeah, I am partially in a cool crowd, I know how to stay in without losing myself in the process. I guess I've learned from being backstabbed in the past, you've got to keep your cool at all times.
Anyway, that's one half of the alphaomega supernaturally popular group. I also like to call it the BitchyCow group just to be cheeky.
The other half, I must say truthfully, well they aren't really as pretty as any of the other popular girl groups. Yet something in them makes them popular. They mostly seem uncaring. Unappreciative. Unhappy. Bitchy. And intimidating.
One of our favorite girls-who we have grown to dislike very much-is in this group . Oh yeah, it's MissStucky. Sometimes because of mutual friends I am forced to sit in the same area as her, not next to the conceited and annoying bitch herself mind you, just maybe 5 or 6 people away during lunch once in a while.
(No not chicken butt)
She still doesn't acknowledge my presence. But something has changed.
(Btw, guess who? Chicken Leg.)
The other day I was sitting around her, about 3 people away from MS and sitting to one of my power clique friends who is super sweet and nice. One of the coolest guys in my grade came over and sat next to me and we chatted about things. At one point he ate a little of my food and we talked about whether or not my spaghetti (I can never spell that word, had to spell check it like 5 times, just so you know) was really Italian. I saw MissStucky look in my direction and I think something clicked in her head. She knew that she couldn't boss me around anymore, I was no bitch's bitch to be said frankly. I had people who so WOULD defend me if she acted mean towards me and she knew it. And once again,
I saw her look jealous. At me. Me?
What was the other time? Well, remember NiceJock from middle school? Yeah, the guy who I pretty much had a big crush on and I still kind of think of him sometimes. I wish I didn't have the regret of never knowing what could have been. I think regret is the worst emotion. At least when you were rejected, it means you tried. Regretting doing something is wishing you could change from the past. You can grow from reject, but not from regret except maybe going for what you want in the future, if you finally get the nerve.
Well one day he picked me to be his partner for a p. e. jump roping activity. And I mean, this guy is fit. I myself, slightly sucked at jump roping. But of course NJ was nice enough (ha NiceJock is nice, what a cowinkydink) to not bash my jumping roping skills compared to his mad jump roping skills. Like, damn. He was good.
Anyway. MS kept looking over there because she admitted to me that she liked him about a week before that. I liked him way before that but I never told a soul. Damn he was funny, fit, and smart. Not as cute as CCAN though.
And later in the year NJ and me were walking toward the auditorium together and he started telling me about his yearbook quote and I asked him about it. MS was walking a solo act behind us and I saw her look so bitter and jealous.
But the truth was that he really didn't like her very much. He thought she was mean. Like all the other guys thought she was a bitch.
SO. That's all I got to say about that.
Oh sorry. I saw Forrest Gump too many times this week. It was on every single night. And I never managed to stay awake through the whole things from start to finish. Maybe they'll have another Gump week?
-That Girl, Stupid is as Stupid Does.