Dear Diary,
Honestly, sometimes I am really tired. Mostly of just maintaining all the things to do in life around me. And I guess it seemed all easier when I was less ambitious about things, and when I dated people who simply just did stuff around me and let them carry me in ways in which I felt that I was not as capable, but I also was a lot less happy with myself. I do feel more powerful now, and I guess they say with great power comes great responsibility. For example, if you want to brand and image yourself to others and maintain a certain type of x and y and z, then that takes work of some kind. I've always felt that I'm up for and enjoy a challenge, but when literally everything seems like a choice and a challenge, then that kind of sucks. I wonder if maybe I have too much on my plate and my ego is what won't let me let go of some of those things at the moment. Do I need 2 jobs, and to study and my BA? I find myself wishing I had a higher engine or motor to accomplish things, but at the end of the day, I am a lover not a fighter and a peacemaker not a big boss woman, and I long for the ability to just stroll out to feel my freedom and leisure, savour and enjoy life. I've largely done that, some of that which I had longed for - has the nonprofit dream evaporated, do I simply have enough experience in this vector to let it go now? Or have I just begun, because in my dreams I can foresee success at a more expansive scale, and that excites me. Then again, I wonder if it is even possible, or if I'm dreaming too much. I'm grounded but I can see visions of a future that I can look forward to, I'm moved by the idea of bettering that which has already been done. Then again, is this my ego or my heart? I feel that it is my heart. And again, but how would it be possible for me to go ahead with the multiple streams of visions in my heart and apply them all together in one big life? I don't want to miss a beat, and I'm happy with that which I'm able to do. And yet, I do wonder if my intellection is taking a hit. Another side of me wants to drop that vision, and hit the ground running on the other side of things - create my passive income streams through online educational platforms that I create and write, feel free-flowing as an assistant and kill it on my exams upcoming. And is it all possible to do together? A part of me feels like it is, but when the early morning and afternoon rolls around with me doing thoughtless menial tasks in an office space, I wonder if I'm truly living right, or if I'm wasting my time when I could be improving myself at real skills like practicing my teaching abilities, building that up in my 20's instead, crafting and refining my voice, that seems helpful for future years. Do I want the heavy responsibilities, or do I want the freedoms to enjoy my youth? Can I have both? Ought I to simply live for the now, or have I seen already the consequence to free-form living in the the most recent latter years? Then again, I am a woman too. So, ought I not build my internal skills and outer beauty as the most fundamental? To pursue the intelligent and the immaterial, to live for honor, love, freedom and an expansive, deep inner world and experiences that improve the world and my own skill set in ways that cannot be quantifiable? That seems more *right* to me. And also still, I am not a young sprout exactly but 26 - and I'll be 27 in a year, so what would I have been doing for the last year if not a hell of a lot of attempts to do everything that I can? But then, will I not have enough of that for the remainder of my life, running a business perhaps, raising children, working full-time all the time, taking myself seriously as a wise person- ought I not do the fun, free, silly living things for the now before my whole life is a model to those who are younger and come after me? It's a line that I find hard-pressed to find a resolute answer to, and I might never. There will always be the *other side* about things, that we ponder about. Ought I not try my hand at the materialistic, for example, but I've been there and done that, and found nothing that I care to bring along with me, just some memories and harsh lessons about what image-conscious really means, and then ducking away for refuge in something real, hitting the ground running to find solace, grounding, centeredness, morality, ethics again, the intelligent mind, the innovation that makes the world better not worse - of course then, where does the wild side go, where is she, does she transform from the dark and dangerous to the pure and simple, with contentment or with malice, with ingenuity or with a dragging along that is habitually formed and forceful to 'keep one's head above water'? Into the forest I went to lose my mind and find a new one, and the one I have now sees arrows of directions to leap with both feet off the pavement, then hitting the pavement again - where ought I go next? Back to the forest I'd suppose, then to the light and love that God leads me to once again.
Thanks for listening, dear ol' Diary, from streams of consciousness by moi to yours for the years of time we've spent together, I'm forevermore heart to heart with baring my soul, with wist and sobering sunlight, everyday and every time we write, we begin again - how marvelous dear Diary, just marvelous!
XOXO - That Girl
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