Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Growing Pains

Dear Diary,

I want to start writing either daily or weekly. I've read more than once that writing is good for keeping the mind sharp. But also...I've found myself in a weird lonely place that perhaps I've created all on my own due to life experiences causing me to become jaded earlier than I should/have-the-right-to be.
Veering out of the love stories, in the past year I was accepted to several highly ranked universities in my area as a transfer student. I chose to attend one of the best and waited an entire year to begin as a spring transfer. In late December of 2015, after I had made arrangements to live on campus and take the student loans I'd need, I found out that I was missing a course to transfer over into the particular major that I chose; my admissions acceptance was revoked. I have since completed the requirements needed to transfer and was forced to reapply everywhere.
I'm having an anxious breakdown in my head while I wait for the decisions to roll-out. I hate waiting for my future to be laid out by the hands of other people. Two months left until I see if I have been re-accepted.
The course I had been missing was physics and shit I hated taking it last fall, knowing that this class (or rather, lack of) caused my life to turn upside down and bite me in the ass. Unlike how I usually try my very best in university classes, I became distracted by - oh wait this is going back to relate to more of my love stories (great for me, the stupid, hopeless, misguided romantic) - re-meeting A and the start of our windfall of a romance.
I got a C. A ------> C!! I haven't gotten a straight-up, sucky as hell grade of a C in a class since freakin' high school!

This begins my troubles with A. He didn't see (HAH "C") the severity of my C! He's been getting not-so-satisfactory grades to transfer since the start of his time in college and probably will not be transferring schools until I am already graduated and applying for graduate schools.
I don't think less of him for this- please believe me that I don't.
What I do have a problem with is that he isn't hungry for more. For a job to keep up his current lifestyle of wanting to take me out and see his friends, to do well in school for a future that he can be proud of, of trying to do something that matters at all in this world. What I honestly think the problem is consists of A.) he doesn't think that he, as an individual, especially matters and C.) there is no direction that he takes seriously; he knows he has potential and can speak for it in the most convincing ways possible.
I'm becoming afraid that he will live his life as this intellectually stimulating, people-person with good intentions, a list of bad habits he writes off as once-in-a-while problems to deal with, a list of things to do in life that were always put of to the next day, and a mastery of how to make a girl feel special & that the two of you are the only things in the world that matter, sneaking into the secret places of the heart where it's "okay" to have imperfections.
Too off tangent?

I guess my point is that my love life has become a distraction to my ambitions and it has been this way since last spring; different relationship and I'm still too into it. I suppose that's the problem with giving your everything into somebody you connect with, other parts can slip away.

Anyway, I'm feeling lonely because I can't tell my family that I've messed up my acceptance. They are so over-the-moon happy for me, more proud of me than they've ever been their whole lives. "You're a brain?" my mother said surprisingly when I told her the news. Everyone freakin' CRIED IN DELIGHT that I made it! Then I fucked up. God, it's hard writing this right now. The only person I've really talked about this to is my older brother and A.
My brother was sorely disappointed in me-more than I've ever seen him be in regards to my actions. He thinks that A is wasting my life away as a dead-weight who doesn't appreciate my ambitions or do much for me. So he's extra disappointed in me at the moment.
A listens to me talk about it, but we haven't been dating for an incredibly long time and he doesn't exactly understand how important this next step was for me. I spend nights out by myself at cafes, studying and not sleeping, studying and not sleeping, studying and not partying or socializing, not sleeping, studying, reading, writing, stressing about whether I was gonna make it. I promised myself I wouldn't get a boyfriend until I transferred and I broke that. Once I started dating, I started slipping in my individual goals. Relationships are sacrifice -it's true. Time, money, emotional effort, vulnerability, family and friendship acceptance, support, curiosity. It takes all of you to make it real and valuable and special.
I've told some friends the truth about my rejection and reapplying to schools this spring, but it's been humiliating for me personally to know that I'm lying to some people or omitting truth for the purpose of bending it. It's been making me feel secluded to know that I'm not honest with the people I care about the most. And with A, I don't want to be constantly crying at him that I'm the worst idiot I've ever had the unfortunate time to hang out with all the freakin' time. By that I mean, I have to be in my own head - like a middle schooler! God! Looks like you'll be seeing more of me here as I devolve back into an introverted, socially anxious, and emotionally needy little girl who wants to just lay in bed and eat Hot Cheeto Puffs all day. I won't lie, I did that today. I couldn't bare to get up and go to work (I've been working full-time for my aunt since last year and telling her that I'll start school in the fall) today. This is the first time in half a year I've stayed home to wallow. I ate a box of chocolate while lying on my heated blanket to keep my feet warm. I'm not well. I read somewhere that people tell the truth because they want to believe that other people are honest with them too. Liars believe that other people lie often, then? Sounds plausible.
I used to believe that A understood me better than anyone I've ever met. In high school he just GOT me, man. He would say that he knew me better than I knew myself. But since college started, we stopped talking for two years and we've gotten to the place we're both at in our separate lives now. And now? I want to help people and travel, write things that could be important or inspire younger people who still have hope glimmering in their eyes. I'm hungry for a life worth living. And I want to make in impact on people who need want to get on their feet because they're hungry themselves for the same exact thing - value and beauty in our mundane, little existences. I want the world and back to make my mom feel like it was worth being a teen mom and to prove to myself that I'm worthwhile all by myself. I never want to be wasted potential and I'm scared that's what A's life is going to be. But you can't give somebody ambition. I don't exactly want him to be "ambitious", but for him to open his eyes to living a life where he appreciates what he has. My brother says that I'm not his parent and he's right. I don't want to raise my boyfriend. I see him for who he is and love the secret place we hide away to when life gets hard, but the life he wants of remedial comfort without hard work slaps me in the face for what I think is important.

It's really hard to see people go.

That Girl