Dear Diary,
I may have been chasing pavements. The thing is - you can't really escape the past until you let it go. Acceptance, facing hard truths, scaring yourself a little in the midst of revealing the whole of your own psyche to prevent future injuries of the mental kind; it all works to move you forward. Just shoving the tough things down and running towards the easy stuff will cause a bubbling up of weird problems to resurface whenever a stress or trigger faces you mano a mano again. Life is up and life is down, and however we face the down is intensely important in achieving the purpose we seek out in our lives. Moving across the country with a new whirlwind love, away from family dramas or toxic friendships or the peers you grew up with to witness your awkward phases, it's so romantic. Let's be honest, it's awesome when people make the jump to do stuff like that. Is it cowardice or is it brave? To say goodbye to physical reminders of your past and witness an entirely new surrounding. It's something I've always wanted. My whole life through, I wanted to move away from everything I've ever known and make it for myself by my own bootstraps, away from judgements from family and able to craft an entirely new life. But then I grew up, and suddenly I find myself having great care on being present around them as they age and desire my attention. I find that they like me. But growing up, I was full of angst, confusion, cynical, sarcastic, angry. I was rebellious, pissed off, unchallenged in ways I found morally upright, judged, and felt alone. I alone decided to learn about myself, my psychology and the psychology of people around me, with helpful life advice from my older brother. He's nice to me, and has been for a lot of my life. But that doesn't mean there wasn't a period of time where he contributed to the list of unhappy-ailments that I felt growing up. In fact, he wasn't around for a lot of it. It worked out in my favor, most of it. I graduated from a top university in the world, without ever receiving a piece of advice from a father, with a mother always working and frustrated by her bipolar disorder and compassion at home, with a brother who has always sought after his own happiness and freedom through his chronic depression and avoidant personality. I did it, I sat by myself at Starbucks for hours everyday, desperate for an escape from my life, funneling everything into becoming an academic person. I would be something, regardless of what people would say, I had to or I would die in the emotional hell that I was born into at home.
I read books angrily, with fury to get it. I melted away emotions and would get it done. If it wasn't how teachers liked it, I would fix it. I'm not angry at them, I would think, I'm dying for change. 365 days of high school for four years, 365 days of community college twice over, it was hell. I prayed to God I would be a generative and generous person if I could live until adulthood. I knew that some kids had it worse, and pondered if they would like to change lives with me, for maybe they were born with the right set of skills and cognitive functions for this to be a breeze, and I could switch for them for them to have the opportunities obviously set in front of me, and I would take over their hell, war, or otherwise. There are hellholes that people report being born in, and then there is personal hell. The reach out of hell isn't for the faint of heart, or anybody really, but I'll be damned if I can't make something of myself reaching out of it towards the good that Plato idealizes and paint my life with meaning in every thought and action through existentialist beliefs.
There's nowhere out here but up,
That Girl
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Thursday, July 5, 2018
The Foreva Eva Type a Love?
Dear Diary,
I did it - it was word vomit. He looked at me, rambling and drunk after a night out, and I looked back at him.
"I think I'll always love you," I said to him while laying side by side.
He rolls onto his back and puts his hand through his hair - grumpy about emotions like usual, he says, "What do you want me to say babe? Nobody's ever told me anything like that!"
And we make out romantically, slowly and sweetly, while also smiling.
"I don't want you to say anything babe," I say, really drunk and feeling my feelings of love strongly towards him in the moment, "I just wanted to let you know because you never know what's going to happen next and I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to let you know that I love you, I've loved you in this lifetime and I want you to know that I'll always love you."
"I feel the same way," he replies, grumbling some other words, then adds,
"Do you want to be with me forever?"
I stare at him, thinking "oh huh?!?" How can you ask a woman that without a ring in hand!?
We kiss some more. He looks at me asking, "Will you live with me?"
I grumble this time, for this question is pesky. He's always talking about the possibility of moving back to the other side of the country where his parents live. Even though he promised me before that he'd stay here for two years, I wasn't sure how tightly sealed the promise was.
"I don't know where you're going," I grumble, turning away.
"We talked about this," he says - "Will you live with me?" Again, I couldn't answer, so we made out. Which, I'd have to say, is a pretty good non-answer on my part since he still benefits somehow -shrug-.
"You're just drunk babe, " he grumbled at me a few times, and I replied, "No, I love you!" And he says, "I love you too." We end up in the shower, but that's not an important detail here.
The next day we got lunch with his friend, and although we are both non-PDA types of folks, we were probably staring at each other in the eyes much more than people usual do over a sizzling platter of Korean barbecue.
Now, I must explain. I mean, to you, Diary, not to him. I already word vomited my feelings to him, so there's no delete button for that dialogue. This was something that I had been thinking about for a while, and I did intend to say some form of these words to him at a point in time - it just came out more like "I wanna be your girl forever" than I intended. I meant it more like, "I will always care for you/ have some form of love for you despite whatever happens." Adding to that, I meant something along the lines of, "Nothing can change the fact that I have loved you in a period of time between our lives, and that fact will remain always." Of course, those descriptions doesn't sound as nice or clear. I was thinking through the wavelength of Plato's differing types of loves that he describes in his works, or like the love that Warren Buffet's wife had for Warren Buffet - when he moved to the East Coast of America and she felt the need to move to the West Coast to be with her family and friends, she still loved him and sent her friend out to see if Warren was doin' alright. Turned out that the friend and Warren got together on the East Coast, and the woman who sent her friend over gave her blessing to the couple because she loved Warren, wanted him to be happy with company, and knew that her friend was a good person. That's a love.
What's next?
-That Girl, chasing pavements or discovering bliss?
I did it - it was word vomit. He looked at me, rambling and drunk after a night out, and I looked back at him.
"I think I'll always love you," I said to him while laying side by side.
He rolls onto his back and puts his hand through his hair - grumpy about emotions like usual, he says, "What do you want me to say babe? Nobody's ever told me anything like that!"
And we make out romantically, slowly and sweetly, while also smiling.
"I don't want you to say anything babe," I say, really drunk and feeling my feelings of love strongly towards him in the moment, "I just wanted to let you know because you never know what's going to happen next and I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to let you know that I love you, I've loved you in this lifetime and I want you to know that I'll always love you."
"I feel the same way," he replies, grumbling some other words, then adds,
"Do you want to be with me forever?"
I stare at him, thinking "oh huh?!?" How can you ask a woman that without a ring in hand!?
We kiss some more. He looks at me asking, "Will you live with me?"
I grumble this time, for this question is pesky. He's always talking about the possibility of moving back to the other side of the country where his parents live. Even though he promised me before that he'd stay here for two years, I wasn't sure how tightly sealed the promise was.
"I don't know where you're going," I grumble, turning away.
"We talked about this," he says - "Will you live with me?" Again, I couldn't answer, so we made out. Which, I'd have to say, is a pretty good non-answer on my part since he still benefits somehow -shrug-.
"You're just drunk babe, " he grumbled at me a few times, and I replied, "No, I love you!" And he says, "I love you too." We end up in the shower, but that's not an important detail here.
The next day we got lunch with his friend, and although we are both non-PDA types of folks, we were probably staring at each other in the eyes much more than people usual do over a sizzling platter of Korean barbecue.
Now, I must explain. I mean, to you, Diary, not to him. I already word vomited my feelings to him, so there's no delete button for that dialogue. This was something that I had been thinking about for a while, and I did intend to say some form of these words to him at a point in time - it just came out more like "I wanna be your girl forever" than I intended. I meant it more like, "I will always care for you/ have some form of love for you despite whatever happens." Adding to that, I meant something along the lines of, "Nothing can change the fact that I have loved you in a period of time between our lives, and that fact will remain always." Of course, those descriptions doesn't sound as nice or clear. I was thinking through the wavelength of Plato's differing types of loves that he describes in his works, or like the love that Warren Buffet's wife had for Warren Buffet - when he moved to the East Coast of America and she felt the need to move to the West Coast to be with her family and friends, she still loved him and sent her friend out to see if Warren was doin' alright. Turned out that the friend and Warren got together on the East Coast, and the woman who sent her friend over gave her blessing to the couple because she loved Warren, wanted him to be happy with company, and knew that her friend was a good person. That's a love.
What's next?
-That Girl, chasing pavements or discovering bliss?
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Ratty Jacket and the Rope Out - Poor Girl's Fable
Dear Diary,
Last week my boss harassed me on my outfit- telling me that I didn't look nice and that my jacket, which i rather like fyi, looked "ratty." I would like to clarify that, yes, I am a poor girl. And No, I do not own any nice clothes. She grew up poor too, and she's my aunt. But it's interesting to see when people forget where they came from, and the struggles morally that you face in a world of people who had things easy and always. Or maybe they don't want to remember. I think it's the same reason people dislike the homeless so much, they can't stand to see the weakness that actually exists within a set of behaviors and thoughts which we all all could potentially fall privy too. Some people can't stand softness in particular women and see vulnerability, but there is strength that endures in educated, purposeful vulnerability- mine is not weak, but it is silent and strong. For I know that I have the will to stay respectful and away from pettiness. I've been there, with petty people and petty myself. I didn't like it, the taste in my mouth, or rather because I don't sense as much as I analyze, the intuition in my head said I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, or maybe just in the wrong myself. I won't fold and be mean, that's when others win you out. And I'm not a loser, Diary. But I do need to get the hell out of this place. Here, where I was born and raised, personal hell. Now I can get out, so That Girl - i. What are you waiting for? ii. What the hell are you scared of, hadn't this been enough?
-That Girl, a woman rich or poor on fire is still on fire
Last week my boss harassed me on my outfit- telling me that I didn't look nice and that my jacket, which i rather like fyi, looked "ratty." I would like to clarify that, yes, I am a poor girl. And No, I do not own any nice clothes. She grew up poor too, and she's my aunt. But it's interesting to see when people forget where they came from, and the struggles morally that you face in a world of people who had things easy and always. Or maybe they don't want to remember. I think it's the same reason people dislike the homeless so much, they can't stand to see the weakness that actually exists within a set of behaviors and thoughts which we all all could potentially fall privy too. Some people can't stand softness in particular women and see vulnerability, but there is strength that endures in educated, purposeful vulnerability- mine is not weak, but it is silent and strong. For I know that I have the will to stay respectful and away from pettiness. I've been there, with petty people and petty myself. I didn't like it, the taste in my mouth, or rather because I don't sense as much as I analyze, the intuition in my head said I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, or maybe just in the wrong myself. I won't fold and be mean, that's when others win you out. And I'm not a loser, Diary. But I do need to get the hell out of this place. Here, where I was born and raised, personal hell. Now I can get out, so That Girl - i. What are you waiting for? ii. What the hell are you scared of, hadn't this been enough?
-That Girl, a woman rich or poor on fire is still on fire
Thursday, May 17, 2018
No I'm not pregnant - this is a good thing
Dear Diary,
It was Friday night, breezy and bustling in the city - as always. But tonight we went out for hot dogs and beer, a desirable change from the ridiculously upscale restaurant that he took me out to the Monday before this date.
As a preface ... on that date (the Monday one), he took me to a restaurant inside of a hotel that showcased ~4.8 stars on Yelp. We had to take an elevator to be seated. And the lobby entrance was solely for restaurant-goers. There was a contrasting look in the room - me in my frumpy work outfit. I was wearing a grey skirt and t-shirt that falls loosely, along with a dark cardigan and my self-proclaimed "ugly work shoes." I'm not certain that anybody feels truly happy about themselves when they call an everyday article of their own clothing ugly, by intention. It's like a self-inflicted insecurity that is removable. Anyways, I digress. The outfit sounds generally alright, although it sure didn't fit the modern decor of this place. With confidence, okay, maybe it was a possibility. However, I had been feeling particularly depressed that day and the days prior. It was one of those in-a-slump-burnt-out-toasted-the-walls-are-crashing-in-why-mayday types of feelings. You know, typical overextended young adult who's going through growing pains types of ordeals. With a dash of existentialism mixed into the batter for good measure.
So. Picture That Girl, frumpy inside and out, with her logical and introverted boyfriend who is quite kind about still covering the check at the end of the night.
"Why didn't you tell me we were going to a nice place?" I ask him.
"I told you a got a raise at work," he says with a smile. He also adds that he wants to take me to nice places, which is actually very nice considering he knows that we both didn't grow up with the nicest things as an inner-city kid and an international village kid. We never had money, but it is a wonder of the world that we have some as adults and didn't as children.
It was all-around a good date, though he knew I needed time to decompress at the end of the night and probably didn't want to sit around with me staring at the wall freaking out about whatever philosophical problem applying to humanity that I dreamt up (under stress) until the morning came up. I actually felt guilty, because the week before it is to my truest belief that he told me... dun dun dun - that he loves me. loves. With an L-O-V-E. It is still not completely uncertain if he did, but what happened was ...
He took me to a nice Italian restaurant because he knows that it's my favorite type of food (heart eyes acceptable here, maybe emoji) and we had good conversation, with a bottle of wine. I never let myself get totally smashed and unclassy when I'm with him (as in falling down and falling asleep in a public area or becoming unreasonably loud and obnoxious in public) - though I've been pretty drunk with him on special occasions when we're both game - so he had a bit more of the wine than I did. (Must stay a little classy, That Girl...)
On the way out the restaurant, "I like you." I say.
"Why do you say that?" he smiles at me.
"I just feel like it," I say in return. He looks pleased and puts his hand out to hold mine.
Anyway, we went back to his place and the conversation continued to be good.
We were laughing and kissing, it really was very lovely and light and fun and sweet.
"I like you," I say to him as I'm feeling warm.
"I like you a lot," he says in return.
The cuteness continues as we make jokes (we have the same sense of humor :D) and do cutesy cuddly light making out stuff. (Barf, I know it's TMI. But it was nice.)
He looks at me at some point, "I love you" I see him say at me while looking me right into the eyes.
I froze - "Wha-? Huh?"
I reacted how you don't want someone to react when you admit your love for them.
"Huh? What did you say?" I continued being spazzy and prolonged the awkward feelings between two thinking-types of, "Oh shit this is serious emotions here" in my chest. But maybe I read the situation wrong. To be honest, my 'real' (sorry Blogger) name sounds like the words "I love you" when jumbled together, so I've made the mistake in the past of thinking that someone was heavily admitted their love for me and really just said my name huffily/with sympathy (:().
"Huh? Nothing," he says. He then says later that he "likes" me. So...did I hear wrong or did I just spazz? At least the latter. But this led to my feeling guilty that I couldn't find those words back to him on this night and contributed to my depression on the next three dates - which he planned very nicely, but I again, I just couldn't find those words to say to him on any of the dates. I believe that we were both disappointed by that.
Okay, so now we're up to speed to the ~~~~Friday night date ~~~~~~, which this post began with.
... the date was romantically stimulating through discussions about our future goals and our thoughts on each other. When I talk, he listens. And when he talks, I listen - as I think it really should be in a relationship. He tells me that he thinks I can do anything...and I authentically believe that he can do anything he sets his mind to as well.
We went back to his place per usual, but I had something important to say this time around.
I (I begin)
You're not pregnant are you?
No! I'm not pregnant!
You're what then? (Starts rambling about something)
I love you, -I say and then turn away quickly-
-He takes a pause, then rolls me back towards him- Come here. I feel the same way
-I stare at him-
I haven't heard those words in a long time... (he rambles)
I love you (I interrupt his ramble and kiss him deeply)
I didn't say it because i didn't want to ruin anything (he says)
I love you (I say again, at a loss for words)
-We make out-
I wasn't sure if I should tell you because I don't know what's best for you, only you know what's best for you and what will make you happy...but you make me happy (I say with my chest heavy)
I love you too (he says to me.)
Im overkill 4life, so I tell him probably five or six times throughout the night.
Now we say it pretty much everyday. Sigh. To be continued, Diary, old pal.
-That Girl
It was Friday night, breezy and bustling in the city - as always. But tonight we went out for hot dogs and beer, a desirable change from the ridiculously upscale restaurant that he took me out to the Monday before this date.
As a preface ... on that date (the Monday one), he took me to a restaurant inside of a hotel that showcased ~4.8 stars on Yelp. We had to take an elevator to be seated. And the lobby entrance was solely for restaurant-goers. There was a contrasting look in the room - me in my frumpy work outfit. I was wearing a grey skirt and t-shirt that falls loosely, along with a dark cardigan and my self-proclaimed "ugly work shoes." I'm not certain that anybody feels truly happy about themselves when they call an everyday article of their own clothing ugly, by intention. It's like a self-inflicted insecurity that is removable. Anyways, I digress. The outfit sounds generally alright, although it sure didn't fit the modern decor of this place. With confidence, okay, maybe it was a possibility. However, I had been feeling particularly depressed that day and the days prior. It was one of those in-a-slump-burnt-out-toasted-the-walls-are-crashing-in-why-mayday types of feelings. You know, typical overextended young adult who's going through growing pains types of ordeals. With a dash of existentialism mixed into the batter for good measure.
So. Picture That Girl, frumpy inside and out, with her logical and introverted boyfriend who is quite kind about still covering the check at the end of the night.
"Why didn't you tell me we were going to a nice place?" I ask him.
"I told you a got a raise at work," he says with a smile. He also adds that he wants to take me to nice places, which is actually very nice considering he knows that we both didn't grow up with the nicest things as an inner-city kid and an international village kid. We never had money, but it is a wonder of the world that we have some as adults and didn't as children.
It was all-around a good date, though he knew I needed time to decompress at the end of the night and probably didn't want to sit around with me staring at the wall freaking out about whatever philosophical problem applying to humanity that I dreamt up (under stress) until the morning came up. I actually felt guilty, because the week before it is to my truest belief that he told me... dun dun dun - that he loves me. loves. With an L-O-V-E. It is still not completely uncertain if he did, but what happened was ...
He took me to a nice Italian restaurant because he knows that it's my favorite type of food (heart eyes acceptable here, maybe emoji) and we had good conversation, with a bottle of wine. I never let myself get totally smashed and unclassy when I'm with him (as in falling down and falling asleep in a public area or becoming unreasonably loud and obnoxious in public) - though I've been pretty drunk with him on special occasions when we're both game - so he had a bit more of the wine than I did. (Must stay a little classy, That Girl...)
On the way out the restaurant, "I like you." I say.
"Why do you say that?" he smiles at me.
"I just feel like it," I say in return. He looks pleased and puts his hand out to hold mine.
Anyway, we went back to his place and the conversation continued to be good.
We were laughing and kissing, it really was very lovely and light and fun and sweet.
"I like you," I say to him as I'm feeling warm.
"I like you a lot," he says in return.
The cuteness continues as we make jokes (we have the same sense of humor :D) and do cutesy cuddly light making out stuff. (Barf, I know it's TMI. But it was nice.)
He looks at me at some point, "I love you" I see him say at me while looking me right into the eyes.
I froze - "Wha-? Huh?"
I reacted how you don't want someone to react when you admit your love for them.
"Huh? What did you say?" I continued being spazzy and prolonged the awkward feelings between two thinking-types of, "Oh shit this is serious emotions here" in my chest. But maybe I read the situation wrong. To be honest, my 'real' (sorry Blogger) name sounds like the words "I love you" when jumbled together, so I've made the mistake in the past of thinking that someone was heavily admitted their love for me and really just said my name huffily/with sympathy (:().
"Huh? Nothing," he says. He then says later that he "likes" me. So...did I hear wrong or did I just spazz? At least the latter. But this led to my feeling guilty that I couldn't find those words back to him on this night and contributed to my depression on the next three dates - which he planned very nicely, but I again, I just couldn't find those words to say to him on any of the dates. I believe that we were both disappointed by that.
Okay, so now we're up to speed to the ~~~~Friday night date ~~~~~~, which this post began with.
... the date was romantically stimulating through discussions about our future goals and our thoughts on each other. When I talk, he listens. And when he talks, I listen - as I think it really should be in a relationship. He tells me that he thinks I can do anything...and I authentically believe that he can do anything he sets his mind to as well.
We went back to his place per usual, but I had something important to say this time around.
I (I begin)
You're not pregnant are you?
No! I'm not pregnant!
You're what then? (Starts rambling about something)
I love you, -I say and then turn away quickly-
-He takes a pause, then rolls me back towards him- Come here. I feel the same way
-I stare at him-
I haven't heard those words in a long time... (he rambles)
I love you (I interrupt his ramble and kiss him deeply)
I didn't say it because i didn't want to ruin anything (he says)
I love you (I say again, at a loss for words)
-We make out-
I wasn't sure if I should tell you because I don't know what's best for you, only you know what's best for you and what will make you happy...but you make me happy (I say with my chest heavy)
I love you too (he says to me.)
Im overkill 4life, so I tell him probably five or six times throughout the night.
Now we say it pretty much everyday. Sigh. To be continued, Diary, old pal.
-That Girl
Sunday, May 6, 2018
Never End
Dear Diary,
She wept across the deserts, the oceans, the mountaintops. She begged for meaning across rooftops in Suburban America and looked straight into the eye of the sunsets throughout Asia. She longed for her existence to be of weight and studied the faces of her peers. She loved deeply and the feelings ran so deep that she wasn't sure that she could handle their strength. The magnitude of pain and joy around the world was witnessed, but untouched by most. She wanted to throw herself into the throes of what it meant to be a complete person, enough knowledge to spread to her loved ones and burst one's heart full of real compassion. She wanted to be a martyr, not to be saved. She needed to be loved fully, but needed more than a throne or a handful of well wishes. She needed the key to fix everything that was wrong and an answer to her endless list of questions. She wanted understanding and she needed it, she needed loyalty and grace. If she saved the world would they save her in return?
She wept across the deserts, the oceans, the mountaintops. She begged for meaning across rooftops in Suburban America and looked straight into the eye of the sunsets throughout Asia. She longed for her existence to be of weight and studied the faces of her peers. She loved deeply and the feelings ran so deep that she wasn't sure that she could handle their strength. The magnitude of pain and joy around the world was witnessed, but untouched by most. She wanted to throw herself into the throes of what it meant to be a complete person, enough knowledge to spread to her loved ones and burst one's heart full of real compassion. She wanted to be a martyr, not to be saved. She needed to be loved fully, but needed more than a throne or a handful of well wishes. She needed the key to fix everything that was wrong and an answer to her endless list of questions. She wanted understanding and she needed it, she needed loyalty and grace. If she saved the world would they save her in return?
Thursday, March 22, 2018
Secret Sauce Part II
Dear Diary,
The secret sauce of life might actually be balance. More on this next time.
-That Girl, epiphany in-progress
The secret sauce of life might actually be balance. More on this next time.
-That Girl, epiphany in-progress
Saturday, March 3, 2018
The Secret Sauce
Dear Diary,
I've discovered the secret sauce of life -
are you ready?
It's not a cliffhanger - it's ...
.
.
.
Compassion !!!!!!!!!!
I've recently gotten a tattoo that I look at (when I remember that it exists on my wrist) to remind myself to have more of it. For myself and for others. Think about it - people live their lives how they believe that it ought to be lived...therefore they make decisions based off of how they actually think a good life should be ( unless they are self-hating/destructive...but in those cases, aren't those people in their own way living the best that they think that they deserve? :( seek help readers who feel this way, within yourself or a reliable system or support). They aren't trying to live life in a way that they think is a bad way to live. Even if they boast being bad, they actually are boasting that "bad" types of things are actually good. People seek good in all different types of ways. And sometimes it can be hard to accept this because you might see universal truths of good and bad, obviously better or worse decisions, and a shitload of assumptions about their internal motivations versus their passions and desires versus their literal actions. But at the end of the day - don't we want the best for ourselves and for others?
I mean ideally, don't we want everyone to thrive in some manner of "goodness", whatever that is to us personally? Personally, I have a high threshold for criticism, but NOT for harmful actions that people take with the intent to harm rather than benefit, and NOT for people who are careless about the negative consequences of their words and actions on others. People without moral responsibility towards the welfare of others? Not okay. At all. But compassion besides that, I think, is the secret sauce of life. Does this guy seem lazy? Maybe he's in a rut and needs a break in life because honestly he doesn't have it in him to do better right now and you can't push your expectations on different types of people in the same fashion that works well for yourself. I need a straightforward talking-to, personally, to do better for myself - but others can't take that. It hurts their feelings lol. I mean, I still try this approach when I think that it's necessary (because I know that I could make them take action this way with enough passion and certainty in my voice), but I try other methods for a lot of people. For example, praise can be a lifesaving way to help someone, if it's gone about in the right way. Rather than discourage people for their negative traits, why not bring their positive traits to light? And I don't mean superficially, but real things that are good in them - their own compassion, their ability to work hard, their love for their family that extends in their life, their ability to speak well to people, or whatever it is that their cherish about themselves and is actually a good thing that you'd like them to be more of! Bring positivity into their minds and encourage them to help others - that's the secret sauce of cohabiting in a society of people that dammit, can be really emotional sometimes.
-That Girl, sharing secrets
I've discovered the secret sauce of life -
are you ready?
It's not a cliffhanger - it's ...
.
.
.
Compassion !!!!!!!!!!
I've recently gotten a tattoo that I look at (when I remember that it exists on my wrist) to remind myself to have more of it. For myself and for others. Think about it - people live their lives how they believe that it ought to be lived...therefore they make decisions based off of how they actually think a good life should be ( unless they are self-hating/destructive...but in those cases, aren't those people in their own way living the best that they think that they deserve? :( seek help readers who feel this way, within yourself or a reliable system or support). They aren't trying to live life in a way that they think is a bad way to live. Even if they boast being bad, they actually are boasting that "bad" types of things are actually good. People seek good in all different types of ways. And sometimes it can be hard to accept this because you might see universal truths of good and bad, obviously better or worse decisions, and a shitload of assumptions about their internal motivations versus their passions and desires versus their literal actions. But at the end of the day - don't we want the best for ourselves and for others?
I mean ideally, don't we want everyone to thrive in some manner of "goodness", whatever that is to us personally? Personally, I have a high threshold for criticism, but NOT for harmful actions that people take with the intent to harm rather than benefit, and NOT for people who are careless about the negative consequences of their words and actions on others. People without moral responsibility towards the welfare of others? Not okay. At all. But compassion besides that, I think, is the secret sauce of life. Does this guy seem lazy? Maybe he's in a rut and needs a break in life because honestly he doesn't have it in him to do better right now and you can't push your expectations on different types of people in the same fashion that works well for yourself. I need a straightforward talking-to, personally, to do better for myself - but others can't take that. It hurts their feelings lol. I mean, I still try this approach when I think that it's necessary (because I know that I could make them take action this way with enough passion and certainty in my voice), but I try other methods for a lot of people. For example, praise can be a lifesaving way to help someone, if it's gone about in the right way. Rather than discourage people for their negative traits, why not bring their positive traits to light? And I don't mean superficially, but real things that are good in them - their own compassion, their ability to work hard, their love for their family that extends in their life, their ability to speak well to people, or whatever it is that their cherish about themselves and is actually a good thing that you'd like them to be more of! Bring positivity into their minds and encourage them to help others - that's the secret sauce of cohabiting in a society of people that dammit, can be really emotional sometimes.
-That Girl, sharing secrets
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Put Your Baggage Away and Remember the Foot in Your Own Mouth
Dear Diary,
Look at the title
-That Girl
Look at the title
-That Girl
Monday, February 26, 2018
Relentless Restlessness in Love
Dear Diary,
What does one do when they have what they want? Maintain it? Sure, and it's worth the effort, surely if what they have is significant and moving.
But nothing is a certainty, just moments are experienced as they go. Happiness is fleeting and relationships between people, despite persevering between some, take two to tango. Relationships, especially those romantic, are ridiculously impactful on one's life - ridiculous, I tell you. Even the flings and the friends with benefits, the long-term guys and the playboys, they alter your life's history of experiences. It is terrifying in its own merits to love somebody, as the verbal acknowledgement itself thereby makes it public knowledge to family and friends which its disclosed to that your heart is able to be broken ( *rolls eyes* again?!). But it's okay, because once you love yourself and your own worth in life, you are able to freely give this love without expecting something particular in return. Because there are some things you can't control and some things which you simply shouldn't control. Yes, you can study all of the dating manuals and pull up your collective knowledge of the right and wrong things to say to someone who catches you eye, then study their personality type and make record of their likes and dislikes, probable sense of humor and favorite things to talk about, but... where did you go in all of this? Let's say you win their heart. Is this really what you want, to win somebody over and forevermore be a prize in their eyes? Or do you want someone who sees you just living, without the bullshit dating tactics and compulsions to be optimistic and flattering and wonderful when in the presence of other people? Because, yes, life is grand and what could be more awing than to marvel in its splendor among another who thinks likemindedly? Are the minor thoughts and little successes and ability to emphasize with another about what a beautiful day it is today or why the new kind of coffee at Starbucks is interesting or how Debbie's friendship with me impacts my lifestyle all reducible to nonsensical babble, when I could throw out an honestly effective dating line, flirt a little, and seduce my partner's brain and body to be hooked onto how I make them feel a better use of time?
When somebody uses every trick in the book to catch someone worth trying for and the relationship reduces into everything that dating books say a healthy relationship should actually be, is there something raw in the truth of being yourself unpolished, lost in the madness of romance and maturation?
-That Girl, love still glimmers
What does one do when they have what they want? Maintain it? Sure, and it's worth the effort, surely if what they have is significant and moving.
But nothing is a certainty, just moments are experienced as they go. Happiness is fleeting and relationships between people, despite persevering between some, take two to tango. Relationships, especially those romantic, are ridiculously impactful on one's life - ridiculous, I tell you. Even the flings and the friends with benefits, the long-term guys and the playboys, they alter your life's history of experiences. It is terrifying in its own merits to love somebody, as the verbal acknowledgement itself thereby makes it public knowledge to family and friends which its disclosed to that your heart is able to be broken ( *rolls eyes* again?!). But it's okay, because once you love yourself and your own worth in life, you are able to freely give this love without expecting something particular in return. Because there are some things you can't control and some things which you simply shouldn't control. Yes, you can study all of the dating manuals and pull up your collective knowledge of the right and wrong things to say to someone who catches you eye, then study their personality type and make record of their likes and dislikes, probable sense of humor and favorite things to talk about, but... where did you go in all of this? Let's say you win their heart. Is this really what you want, to win somebody over and forevermore be a prize in their eyes? Or do you want someone who sees you just living, without the bullshit dating tactics and compulsions to be optimistic and flattering and wonderful when in the presence of other people? Because, yes, life is grand and what could be more awing than to marvel in its splendor among another who thinks likemindedly? Are the minor thoughts and little successes and ability to emphasize with another about what a beautiful day it is today or why the new kind of coffee at Starbucks is interesting or how Debbie's friendship with me impacts my lifestyle all reducible to nonsensical babble, when I could throw out an honestly effective dating line, flirt a little, and seduce my partner's brain and body to be hooked onto how I make them feel a better use of time?
When somebody uses every trick in the book to catch someone worth trying for and the relationship reduces into everything that dating books say a healthy relationship should actually be, is there something raw in the truth of being yourself unpolished, lost in the madness of romance and maturation?
-That Girl, love still glimmers
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Everything!
Dear Diary,
I spent the night spilling my feelings to him in drunken wonderfulness-
"I'm so into you, babe...can't you tell? Don't you know how I feel about you? I know you know when you look at me ...don't you know how much I care about you? I way more than like you - you are everything! I'm here for you babe...I'm just waiting for you to tell me how you feel first, because you are the man! I'm already there, I'm just waiting for you to tell me you're there too! I'm not even emotional, but I have so many feelings for you! I feel so much for you! I'm already there babe"
He says, "I know what you want me to tell you, but why should I have to tell you first? Because I'm the man? I've already told you everything else first...kcskdslkfjljsd once I tell you then you might just end up betraying me (he's also drunk LOL)"
"I'm not going to betray you! I already told you I like you, then I really like you, now I'm past that! I'm here for you! Don't you know when you look at me how much I feel for you babe?!"
He gives me variations of "I like you...I might be more than liking you a lot too...I want you to say it, you don't tell me anything!" throughout the night, and I feed him more loving words to show him how much I care - finally!! I couldn't hold it in anymore, worried that it might slip at any second, I finally told him how I've been feeling!
"Can't you see how much I care?? I've been trying to show you, find different ways to show you how into you I am to make you happy and help you - don't you see it babe?!" He was into it! I love him! That selfless, all cards in, worth-it, positive, hopeful, real and raw, wonderful kind of love!
It's settled. I love him, and he knows. And I think he might be on the path to loving me, if he's not already there :)
I love love,
That Girl (spastic and totally in love the way I've always wanted to be...this is how it should be!!!)
______
As an addition to the above,
I knew I was in love the day that I woke up and realized that he's worth it!
And that love is worth it! The real kind of undeniable love is ALWAYS worth it!
I had been trying to hold back for so long with him - five months and I was only a card and a half in with him, with my guard up until I felt that I could really trust him. But the day I woke up and realized that not only do I trust him, but that he's worth giving my ALL to! I am the luckiest person to be with someone who makes me laugh until I cry and is polite to the greatest extent, just how I am.
I have fallen! And he has been so patient, he is everything! Despite whatever happens in the future, I will not deny that at this specific point of time in our lives, I have fallen in love. It's the kind of love that makes me deny my previous attempts at it. This is a love that's greater than what I've known before. I love love! This is awesome!!!!
I spent the night spilling my feelings to him in drunken wonderfulness-
"I'm so into you, babe...can't you tell? Don't you know how I feel about you? I know you know when you look at me ...don't you know how much I care about you? I way more than like you - you are everything! I'm here for you babe...I'm just waiting for you to tell me how you feel first, because you are the man! I'm already there, I'm just waiting for you to tell me you're there too! I'm not even emotional, but I have so many feelings for you! I feel so much for you! I'm already there babe"
He says, "I know what you want me to tell you, but why should I have to tell you first? Because I'm the man? I've already told you everything else first...kcskdslkfjljsd once I tell you then you might just end up betraying me (he's also drunk LOL)"
"I'm not going to betray you! I already told you I like you, then I really like you, now I'm past that! I'm here for you! Don't you know when you look at me how much I feel for you babe?!"
He gives me variations of "I like you...I might be more than liking you a lot too...I want you to say it, you don't tell me anything!" throughout the night, and I feed him more loving words to show him how much I care - finally!! I couldn't hold it in anymore, worried that it might slip at any second, I finally told him how I've been feeling!
"Can't you see how much I care?? I've been trying to show you, find different ways to show you how into you I am to make you happy and help you - don't you see it babe?!" He was into it! I love him! That selfless, all cards in, worth-it, positive, hopeful, real and raw, wonderful kind of love!
It's settled. I love him, and he knows. And I think he might be on the path to loving me, if he's not already there :)
I love love,
That Girl (spastic and totally in love the way I've always wanted to be...this is how it should be!!!)
______
As an addition to the above,
I knew I was in love the day that I woke up and realized that he's worth it!
And that love is worth it! The real kind of undeniable love is ALWAYS worth it!
I had been trying to hold back for so long with him - five months and I was only a card and a half in with him, with my guard up until I felt that I could really trust him. But the day I woke up and realized that not only do I trust him, but that he's worth giving my ALL to! I am the luckiest person to be with someone who makes me laugh until I cry and is polite to the greatest extent, just how I am.
I have fallen! And he has been so patient, he is everything! Despite whatever happens in the future, I will not deny that at this specific point of time in our lives, I have fallen in love. It's the kind of love that makes me deny my previous attempts at it. This is a love that's greater than what I've known before. I love love! This is awesome!!!!
Tuesday, February 6, 2018
LOVE!
Dear Diary,
How to explain the feeling that one has when falling in lo...
see! That's the thing, people are rational animals - always trying to EXPLAIN why things are the way that they are. People (really, I'm just talking about at least 1 person alive - and that's me) always want to give reasons for events and solve some freakin' puzzle in front of them.
But in the meantime, the present goes by unexamined at the surface! Going beneath the surface when it comes to matters of possible love are inescapable and important, but so are the little moments and the feelings that don't have a basis in those random elements that we are able to add together.
LOVE - real love - it is unselfish. It makes you leave your ego at the door and embrace the one in front of you.
Some people look all their lives for the kind of love that makes them shaken at the core for someone who truly understands and accepts them for their flaws and still thinks the entire world of them.
I've found the kinds of love that were enlightening, but not real. I've been loved for everything that I am on the surface and wasn't able to give that kind of love in return - always grasping for something deeper that makes me FEEL how life is written about in great books and musical interpretations of love. I've had a passionate love that burned me quick, immature, and unreturned. I've had an instant connection of exhilaration, excitement, and laughter that dwindled as fast as it began with my star-striken eyes forgetting its basis in values of depth and modesty.
I woke up one day knowing that I have the love for myself strong enough to love another, deeply, sincerely, and wow - worth it! I think the world of him, and I want to give him the world in return.
A montage of the past five months flashed through my head as I realized how much I've been holding back all along. Is he true, is this real for him? Or is he going to chase me until I'm his and evaluate whether I make next cut after I'm already head over heels for him? I've made the mistakes of letting myself fall too fast in the past, just blindly trusting that this person will care for me because I know selfless love is worth it. So I made myself use my head this time -
"Is that true?" "Really?" "What are you thinking about?" "What do you think about it? You tell me first?" "Where is home really for you?" "Are you materialistic? What motivates you?"
The swarm of questions I've asked him, and he answered with humor, intellect, and seriousness.
On our first date we tried so hard to make small talk, something we both don't like.
"Do you like yogurt?" I asked him.
"Yeah it's ok, but I'm not really a yogurt person," he said.
"Oh okay...so do you like frozen yogurt? It's pretty good," I rebutted.
"It is pretty good...but I'm not really a - "
"yogurt person," we finished the sentence together. I cracked up.
"I didn't think that would be so funny," he says. He was the most adorable thing.
From our first date on, I've marveled about his concise and no-bullshit remarks about the world.
"I like my shadow, I think it's comforting," he told me on our first or second date. I was into it.
"Why do pets have health care, when we could use that money to give medical care to children in poverty in the streets all over the world?" He asked me once over dinner. It was an interesting idea.
"Do you think people are mostly good or bad?" I asked him on our first date. He responded by telling me how he thinks that people were made to create things and that it's something that differentiates us from animals. He talked for a long time about how humans are great because they can build things. I pointed out his tangent while laughing and he laughed too. There was an underlying understanding between us, despite us having little to none common ground to begin with. I guess he's right, people build things.
Once we talked about our different skillsets.
"You're an innovator, I'm more of a humanitarian," I told him. We were both pretty happy about this.
"I do a lot of random things, trying to help people have easier lives and writing about it," I said to him when he mentioned that in the grand scheme of humanity what I do for side projects is more significant in helping people than his projects, "and you're creating new things in the world that have never existed before...just purely out of the creativity and intellect in your mind." He felt better.
The compassion from me combined with his ability to cut through to the building blocks of anything made for some fiery discussions about how the world is run. "When we argue - it is poetic," he said once. I could not possibly agree more or look to that in amazement. It's what I've wanted, a love that is timeless and classic, raw, and bigger than ourselves.
I love him. And I want to see him smile, see the bright parts of life that I see for myself so that he can enjoy it too, encourage him to always reach his highest potential. He provides me the depth and humor I crave, patience and understanding. However, I've come to a point where I know I don't need him to be happy. I am happy, grateful, and compassionate for myself and the life I've lived, the family and friends who have helped me become the person I am today.- It is just that, he has given me for the time I've known him, his heart. And I want to give him mine in return. My heart has been handed back to me in shards and wilting from life by others, but hey, Cupid is relentless and the unexamined life is not worth living! Love is worth the risk. It is always worth the risk when it is real.
Real luv!
-That Girl
How to explain the feeling that one has when falling in lo...
see! That's the thing, people are rational animals - always trying to EXPLAIN why things are the way that they are. People (really, I'm just talking about at least 1 person alive - and that's me) always want to give reasons for events and solve some freakin' puzzle in front of them.
But in the meantime, the present goes by unexamined at the surface! Going beneath the surface when it comes to matters of possible love are inescapable and important, but so are the little moments and the feelings that don't have a basis in those random elements that we are able to add together.
LOVE - real love - it is unselfish. It makes you leave your ego at the door and embrace the one in front of you.
Some people look all their lives for the kind of love that makes them shaken at the core for someone who truly understands and accepts them for their flaws and still thinks the entire world of them.
I've found the kinds of love that were enlightening, but not real. I've been loved for everything that I am on the surface and wasn't able to give that kind of love in return - always grasping for something deeper that makes me FEEL how life is written about in great books and musical interpretations of love. I've had a passionate love that burned me quick, immature, and unreturned. I've had an instant connection of exhilaration, excitement, and laughter that dwindled as fast as it began with my star-striken eyes forgetting its basis in values of depth and modesty.
I woke up one day knowing that I have the love for myself strong enough to love another, deeply, sincerely, and wow - worth it! I think the world of him, and I want to give him the world in return.
A montage of the past five months flashed through my head as I realized how much I've been holding back all along. Is he true, is this real for him? Or is he going to chase me until I'm his and evaluate whether I make next cut after I'm already head over heels for him? I've made the mistakes of letting myself fall too fast in the past, just blindly trusting that this person will care for me because I know selfless love is worth it. So I made myself use my head this time -
"Is that true?" "Really?" "What are you thinking about?" "What do you think about it? You tell me first?" "Where is home really for you?" "Are you materialistic? What motivates you?"
The swarm of questions I've asked him, and he answered with humor, intellect, and seriousness.
On our first date we tried so hard to make small talk, something we both don't like.
"Do you like yogurt?" I asked him.
"Yeah it's ok, but I'm not really a yogurt person," he said.
"Oh okay...so do you like frozen yogurt? It's pretty good," I rebutted.
"It is pretty good...but I'm not really a - "
"yogurt person," we finished the sentence together. I cracked up.
"I didn't think that would be so funny," he says. He was the most adorable thing.
From our first date on, I've marveled about his concise and no-bullshit remarks about the world.
"I like my shadow, I think it's comforting," he told me on our first or second date. I was into it.
"Why do pets have health care, when we could use that money to give medical care to children in poverty in the streets all over the world?" He asked me once over dinner. It was an interesting idea.
"Do you think people are mostly good or bad?" I asked him on our first date. He responded by telling me how he thinks that people were made to create things and that it's something that differentiates us from animals. He talked for a long time about how humans are great because they can build things. I pointed out his tangent while laughing and he laughed too. There was an underlying understanding between us, despite us having little to none common ground to begin with. I guess he's right, people build things.
Once we talked about our different skillsets.
"You're an innovator, I'm more of a humanitarian," I told him. We were both pretty happy about this.
"I do a lot of random things, trying to help people have easier lives and writing about it," I said to him when he mentioned that in the grand scheme of humanity what I do for side projects is more significant in helping people than his projects, "and you're creating new things in the world that have never existed before...just purely out of the creativity and intellect in your mind." He felt better.
The compassion from me combined with his ability to cut through to the building blocks of anything made for some fiery discussions about how the world is run. "When we argue - it is poetic," he said once. I could not possibly agree more or look to that in amazement. It's what I've wanted, a love that is timeless and classic, raw, and bigger than ourselves.
I love him. And I want to see him smile, see the bright parts of life that I see for myself so that he can enjoy it too, encourage him to always reach his highest potential. He provides me the depth and humor I crave, patience and understanding. However, I've come to a point where I know I don't need him to be happy. I am happy, grateful, and compassionate for myself and the life I've lived, the family and friends who have helped me become the person I am today.- It is just that, he has given me for the time I've known him, his heart. And I want to give him mine in return. My heart has been handed back to me in shards and wilting from life by others, but hey, Cupid is relentless and the unexamined life is not worth living! Love is worth the risk. It is always worth the risk when it is real.
Real luv!
-That Girl
Friday, February 2, 2018
Is it Love? Baby, you can’t hurt me (I love me too)
Dear Diary,
They say that you can’t love another until you can love yourself. I would second this in a heartbeat. How can one have a heart that can feel true compassion for another human being if they cannot feel that same feeling for themselves first? One cannot give what they don’t have, and when one is bursting at the seams with love to give, it’s not hard to love! Some people seem foolish for loving others so openly and freely, but is it silly to think that it’s possible that they know something that others don’t? I’m not saying that it’s good to be in love with everyone (no.). But to have love for humankind? Sure, that’s where you find compassion. To feel romantic love for someone you date, who opens their inner demons, passions, fears, goals, bank account, weekly schedule, and more to you? Is that really so alarming? Or should it be intuitive that when you are drawn to someone who has qualities of a person you admire and they feel comfortable enough to open their heart to you, that you love them easily? When you go out in the world with them and they impress you with their modesty, consideration, sincerity, and patience to know who you really are - without trying to, is it really strange to want to give them your all back in return? Love is patient, love is kind. Love never fails, it perseveres. It is unselfish, and it is honest. If there is something that I want to leave this planet with, it’s that I was able to find the strength to love myself the most I can and give all of it back to the people who I was able to love too.
-That Girl
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