Monday, February 27, 2017

I Was Charmed (Pants and Soul, Including)



Dear Diary,

I was charmed. In fact, my pants were charmed off on the first date and I loved every minute of it. I never considered myself a *kiss on the first date* kind of person, needless to say fucking would be out of the question, but I met someone so damn awesome that I couldn't help myself this time around.

He was random. And that in itself gives me hope that I could meet someone in this gigantic world who I (by absolute chance?) can click with, without me having to mope around on the active search for such a connection. I.e. I don't want to do online dating, ever. Not that there is a problem with hooking oneself up on Coffee Meets Bagel, or as I described to my brother - Tinder: which you sign up for if you'd like to get used somehow (good looking girl or guy? got money? need a warm left side of the bed?).

I'm just in love with the idea of meeting someone by chance and naturally finding out that there's some kind of special connection there that neither of you exactly expected to find because you've never met each other. This sounds silly and paradoxical, because if I'm looking for such a connection, then it shouldn't - rather, wouldn't - be something I didn't expect to find. The solution to this issue is that such a connection to me is not easy to find at all.

The connection I'm talking about is one that I've found in precisely three romantic partners in my life - and all three shook me in surprise, each time wherein I found I could connect like this again! Three may seem like a high number, but consider all of the people you've met in your life, and how many times you thought you could forge a romantic relationship with someone you like only to find that something just isn't there/it's not enough/that person doesn't make you feel alive and hopeful and giddy and intuitive that they are special, damn it.

It's the kind of date where you don't know what to expect, because you really don't know them at all, but the date just keeps getting better as it goes. It's strangely comfortable, but also exhilaratingly nerve-wracking. Hearts are at the line when people get vulnerable, kid.

It shows you hope that yes, despite the shitty relationships that you may have endured through in the past, you could make it through the pain of learning that it wasn't working (couldn't work) and when separating back to individual life - a light shines on the fact that you could endure another round of potential love with someone new. In fact, you'd LOVE to endure some more love because it's blissful and it's nice (at the very minimal level of description) to be so happy about someone that fills in the holes that other significant others couldn't for you. In another words, I realize as I type this that I'm describing what it feels like to meet someone who understands you, gets you, clicks with you, and likes you anyway - and vice versa!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Diary,

I don't want to add to the above passage because anything more would just subtract to how happy I remember feeling during that time. Now that I've had time to reflect on what I felt when I found Mr. Random and Wonderful (Mr. RW), I know that yes I did find a special chemistry with him. We had what he called a "natural chemistry." But what I guess that I didn't think about, or at least want to think about seriously, is that I was drunk on my date with him about 3/4 of the way into it. Still, I will hold that I had a wonderful and very adult-y feeling date with him. I've never slept with a stranger, and I've never slept with someone on a first date, before meeting him. These are things that I will never do again, but I surely don't regret how happy I was when I was experiencing it.
In hindsight, I do think that it would be possible that he would have taken me more seriously if we didn't instantly sleep together on the first date. Naturally, it led up to it and I had an awesome time. Partially because I found him to be incredibly wacky and honestly, as much as I don't want to admit it, impressive. Together, I was laughing SO MUCH. I've realized that I'm somebody who needs to date somebody that I can laugh with. Someone complimentary to me.
In terms of complimenting my personality...let's just say that he's an ESTP and I'm an ENF/TP.  Yeah. Explosive.
He was good at making me laugh, but ended up being so outrageous that eventually I couldn't stand him anymore. It was inevitable.
If fate wants you to cross paths with someone again, at a different time in your lives maybe you'll run into each other at a park or have a hilarious encounter at club - having a mid-screaming conversation to get a word in edgewise with them over the crowd. Sometimes I know I seem too nostalgic for good times that made me feel light, airy, hopeful. But I need to keep pulling forward, knowing that there's just more good ahead of the horizon. So I won't say exactly what happened with Mr. Random and Wonderful. Not just yet. But I will.

Here's some music: (He's really into music, and was in a band before. I heard some of his old sound and it was honestly amazing. I would have loved to listen to more of his stuff. He played the guitar and I was totally impressed and in a daze with how cool he was. Even though he told me that he struggles with depression and adhd and through some FB stalking I found out that he was a nerd in high school, and he kept telling me stories about being lonely. Something about him was so captivating, it's too bad that he showed me his flashy materialistic and "too cool to care" side on our last date. I really liked the guy who was humble but aggressive, hilarious but patient to listen to what I had to say. But anyway. Let's just say we'll talk about him another day.)

Hold on, I want to end this post by saying that I am okay! I'm alright! I was sad for a little while about some stuff to be written about in the future, but I have met other guys since Mr. Random and Wonderful... they have been nice, good jobs, fun in their own ways. It is hard that Mr. RW set a certain standard for me in terms of how I want my dates to go in the future for them to feel significantly impactful to me, but at the same time, my mind has been blown that I could actually meet "my match" my accident in this world. All I have to do is get my shit together ie. finish undergraduate school this year (holy shit I can't wait), try to look decent on an everyday basis (cuz you never know who you'll run into), and not walk around moping that sometimes life is hard. <3

I just heard this song and it reminded me of him. Go figure. 

This is his favorite song. It's a fun song. Not too deep. A little silly and outrageous, like him. He also really likes Aziz as a comedian...who isn't exactly my favorite. We saw an Aziz act on his screen projector (honestly SO COOL...I've always wanted one...fk him) and neither of us laughed that hard. Idk, there must be something that he likes about him that I don't exactly see. I mean, he's comical, for sure.



Clicking

Dear Diary,

((Disclaimer, I wrote this a while ago and just saw that it was never published. It's not polished, but you know what? My goal in 2017 is to be more productive - get more shit done. So, you know what, I'll just go ahead and share it. I want to feel like I can go through with the trails and error of life, constantly moving on to better things and never stuck, Never. stuck,))

For some people, it just clicks.
One of my best friends, who I've somehow grown only closer with since 8th grade when we were ugly ducklings with only big, friendly hearts and smiles as redeemable externally, says that if you feel as though you've known someone before upon first meeting - it must be because you met before in a past life. Woooo ~~~~ who knows if that is true or not. I wouldn't say that I'm a spiritual person, but I hope that there is more than just biology and chemistry keeping my life together/whole and that there's something beyond linguistics and rhetoric that lets me believe everything that I do.
Anyway, I feel like somebody who doesn't click with everyone. And it's a little unfortunate. My best friend tells me that she could like a lot of people a lot, she's not a big fan of particular usage of vocabulary and I'm probably too specific most of the time, but I figure that what she means is that she has no problem giving parts of herself to lot of new people who she meets. Then again, she is a true extravert. And while I am extraverted, I forsure belong more along the midpoint of extraversion and introvertedness than on the far side of the continuum. The thing is, we search for meaning in different ways. I like a deep, contentful connection that can touch the bases from laughing hard about really silly things and dumb jokes to having serious talks about what they really think about in their spare time - values and significance are important but so is the ability to find humor in the mundane.
Anyway, she finds a "deep" connection to be one where they have a similar description to the one I listed above.