Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dear Diary,

Shakespeare once said
It is better to have loved and lost than to have not lost at all.

And I can't help thinking...
I've never really loved someone (i.e. a guy) like that before.
And according to Shakespeare, never loving is worse then losing a love.
I wish I knew for sure.

If you're wondering why I'm having that inevitable sudden moment of "Oh-poor-me!" I should tell you.
I was just strollin' along the web when I came to this song which, though nicely sung, made me feel kind of...not sad...but emotionless I guess you could say.
I mean. I didn't turn me into a robot or anything or the tin man from Oz without a heart. But it made me feel...okay not emotionless, but longing for emotion.
I wanna know what it feels like to be in love. Who doesn't, after all?
Marilyn Monroe said before that she's just a small girl in a big city looking for love.
Who isn't?

Just thought I'd share this little tidbit of thoughts runnin' through That Girl's mind,

-That Girl, feeling very much like my favorite character from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,
Lena: [in her letter, after Kostas accuses her of being afraid to love him] "He's right, Car. I am afraid. There's a part of me that wants to let him in but then I feel myself put this wall up and I don't understand why. Maybe that's what strikes me most about Kostas: that despite everything he's suffered he can still look at life in the most uncomplicated way. I've never known that kind of faith. It makes me so sad that people like Kostas and Bridget who have lost everything can still be open to love... while I, who have lost nothing, am not. "

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Can, can, can you do the CCAN? ((No, not in the dirty, perverted way, thanks very much))

Shallow Hal is basically the movie if you wanna talk about comedic and thoughtless shallowness. And hey, it's pretty chill as a Chick Flick too.

Dear Diary, ((4:51 PM just got back home; or rather, not home, but to the new house my mom is making me live in despite my both literal and non-literal suffering. Kind if of like having to use a spoon to eat your angel hair pasta. It's bearable, but it sucks major buttocks. Ew, bad visual. Erase, erase! It just sucks in general, okay? ))


Mood(s): Confused as those people who reply, "The rainbow! Hehehehe!" to the question of what their favorite color is. Also I feel cynical and sarcastic. My way of dealing of stress. Well, that and screaming quietly into a pillow. Ice cream doesn't hurt either.

Song(s) of the day: The Middle by Jimmy Eat World and Live Like We're dying by Kris Allen. And what the heck, add in Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me for good measure.
Oh, and did you see The Princess and the Frog? (No I'm not asking if you have actually seen a princess and a frog cruising down the street in a bangin' low rider blasting out loud rap music surrounded by odd people with grills on their un-brushed teeth. Naturally, I mean the MOVIE.) There's a song called Never Knew I Needed by Ne-Yo that's off the chain, or as I like to say oh so lamely:
Off the shizniz! (Not to be confused with "on the shizniz" which means that's it's pretty good, but not great. Therefore, "OFF the shizniz" is pretty effin' great.)

Quote(s) of the Day: "Young men's love then lies Not truly in their hearts, but in their eyes." from the play Romeo and Juliet by non-other then the man known only as William Shakespeare, even though, yeah, there is some debate about the whole Shakespeare thingamabob.
This quote pretty much sums up high school guys.
Yet at the same time, aren't girls the same too? After all, a crush is just unrequited love unless the love is returned back and most of the time the guy you crush on isn't actually your best friend with a few pockmarks and skinny arms you've known as your best buddy half your life. The guy I like for instance. We have only spoken once. It was about what day it was. January something, I believe it was. Yet we have all of these little glances and eye contact with eachother constantly. I always find him somewhere near me in P.E. in a way that makes me think that maybe he's just trying to get my attention? If that's the case, he so succeeded in what he was aiming for.
But it is basically a shallow crush. It's about looks towards eachother. If he didn't have a cute face that reminded me of a teddy bear and cool Vans with awesome aqua coloring on it and if he didn't look like such a nice (Like THE most considerate guy I've ever seen from afar in my whole life) guy and didn't seem a little Class-Clownish (I can't help myself from liking a funny guy. I seriously can't.)...would I still be attracted to him?
My old 7th and 8th grade science teacher used to talk about how certain hormones in us just instantly attract certain people to eachother. Some kind of scent that makes us wanna passionately make out with a person. My question is why some people can resist the attraction by personality and stuff. Doesn't your body still yell, "Mayday! Wrong move!" and tell you to jump their bones, anyway?


First I'm gonna go and talk about something from last year, then some more interesting tibits from now. Btw, did you know that bumble bees have eyelashes? Just for the record.

Remember that one time where I talked about having
in my life?

I remember that day very well. 8th grade was just full of self-deprecation and trying to figure out who the h-e-double-hockey-sticks I really wanted to be.
HOW to be me.
It was so confusing to always be in the middle of everything all the time. I felt like if I didn't agree with the cool girls on everything then they might turn on me someday. But then I looked weak and unable to speak for myself.
Then again, that's what I was.
I remember going to the corner store near my old house that day and just wanting to buy some junk food and watch some Tyra Show at home.

Watching abused boyfriends being yelled at by pretty and tough girls while Tyra holds their hand and says, "We ARE going to get you help. Thanks for taking the first step," or watching Drag Queen moms admit their past rendezvous with other drag queens À la carte saying, "My child has NOTHING to do with this" as a doctor in the audience hired by Tyra tells them their wrongdoings; you can kind of forget your own faults and just think, oh dayum.
How can you NOT love Tyra for this?

As I made my way past the drink selection I glanced into the refrigerator thing to see if they had any special drinks that day like Fizzy Watermelon Bomb With New Monkey Ice Cream Added In! or anything new that would distract me from my actual miserableness.
And I stumbled upon a drink called
It was Vitamin Water of course, but I felt such a need for some balance in my life that I bought the beverage-falling into the cleverly marketed drink designed to trick gullible people like me into buying the product. After purchasing the over-priced flavored water I read the label.
I took it home and downed it. Not crazily of course. Last time I checked, I'm not mental. But I drank it and re-read the label. Anything to improve my life is cool with me.


I've been sorta off and on adding different details and stuff to this post the past three days and since it's now Spring Break (May I have a "Woot woot" and "Booyeahh"?) I have some time to share my thoughts, since you know, sharing IS caring. Unless of course, you're sharing AIDS or something similar in distaste which would actually be the opposite of caring.
But that's beside the point.


So, I've been doing a whole lotta thinkin' about CCAN. The weird thing about me liking him is that almost always when I like a guy it's because we talk a lot and have funny conversations and not very much at all about physical stuff. I never really liked a guy "from afar" I guess you could say. But this time it's different. I always wondered why girls in high school got major crushes on guys, I mean I didn't GET how you could like someone purely based on looks. It just seemed so Shallow Central, get off the Intellectual Train and walk through the Woods of Personality Traits and you'll find the place I'm talking about.
Yet at the same time, I somehow find myself right, smack-dab on the borderline of Shallow Central. After all, a big reason I like him is because from what I've seen he is extremely nice, considerate, and outgoing. He's also really funny and I love funny guys. So if I like his personality traits "from afar" does that still count as being shallow since I don't actually know him person-to-person?

Like the Tootsie Pop,
The World May Never Know.

-That Girl, going, going, gone head over heels. (Or rather, head over Vans)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Operation Cop Out: Mission is Stupid.

6ceao95.jpg crush image by holler_melliee

Dear Diary,

Monday was can only be described as a total:

Operation Cop...Out.

No, no not operation: Coping a Feel. If there were such a thing, that would be another entirely different operation specified for slutty girls. But hey, you gotta give those slutty girls some Courage Points for doing what they do though, I mean not the feeling on guys part, but at least they aren't pulling an Operation Cop Out on the guy they're adoring from afar (and have been for the past 2 and a half weeks!).

Let me explain to you how I pulled an Operation Cop Out on Monday.

So. Obviously you should now know that every other Monday our P.E. class goes to the bungalow to watch cheesy health videos, take tests, and do fitness paperwork.

And we haven’t gone at all the past 3ish weeks which is when me and CCAN have started doing the eye-contact stuff and just this past week I’ve been seeing him sitting next to me and Veronica when we sit it roll call lines because he (for some odd reason) chooses to not hang out with his cool group of guy friends, but with the quiet guy who nobody has ever heard speak a word. CCAN is like the most perfect guy ever.

Yet he’s not.

He’s not super tall and gets a zit once in a while, but I actually like flaws in guys. It makes them seem less impossible to get and more approachable; friendly.

But he’s really cute. And he’s crazy nice. And it seems like he’s a lot of fun to be around since he’s always cracking jokes and stuff.

I love funny guys. Life is too short to wallowing in a puddle of your own self pity and moaning, “Why, oh why me?” while buying daggers to stab your suffering heart with. You know? If you’re not happy you might as well jump around in your ironic puddle of happy faces and buy cotton candy to munch on while belting out lyrics to Replay and Weezer’s Perfect Situation. It makes a little sense, right? Enjoy both the good in life and manage to make the bad stuff the best you possibly can, is what I think.

And yeah. He’s just so…adorable and amazing from what I’ve seen.

Key word: SEEN. I wish I could be closer to him. I wouldn’t have to just see because then I would just know.

Anyway, cut to the scene of 5th period on Monday afternoon where you see the lovely little That Girl sipping her bottle of amazing Dr. Pepper while chatting and giggling with her bundle of coed friends. For me Drama is 5th period with (DURR!) 6th period after which is Physical Education.

See a skinny Queen Bee with average/very-blah looks ask That Girl, “Are you going to the play?”

That Girl flips her freshly-washed-the-night-before-and-therefore-glimmering-brightly-at-you hair toward the usually bickering girl and says, “HUH?”

The girl with attitude says politely, “You know, the play of Romeo and Juliet?”

OH SNAP The polished and elegant That Girls thinks to herself. (Or more as, the clumsy and ironic metaphor-speaking That Girl thinks to herself.)

“I don’t know if I turned that form in to go to that,” That Girl (moi, mon ami) says with confusion evenly spread across her 10-minute-makeup face.

And so I went to ask my Drama teacher if I turned my paper in.

“Your paper?” the teacher says with a joking tone in her voice and uses her actress voice as she goes through her pile of papers and reads of names such as Bill and Joan. I try to ask her if MY name is there or not, but natch another person (a T.A. I believe) comes over to ask the teacher something. There you see That Girl standing there looking stupider than one of those stupid “FAIL” pictures-of animals getting hit in the head with Frisbees and idiot people forgetting how to sit on a toilet-you find lurking around the internet.

So I sit down and tell my buddies at the table that the teacher didn’t want to tell me and that I decided to go anyway.

I ended up going to see the play instead of going to P.E. because if you saw the play you could skip 6th period. I was so nervous about sitting next to CCAN’s desk (because we’re all in alphabetical order when we sit in the bungalow) that I did the baby way of dealing with a crush.

Crawling away as best I could.

And that’s what happened. Your so-called “Ball-out and Courageous” That Girl is like the lion in The Wizard of Oz when it comes to liking a guy.

Weak and in need of Courage.

And that’s basically it. I’m kind of feeling stupid and frustrated at myself so I won’t be typing up a storm today, just typing up a light breeze, if you would.

Je suis une fille stupide et lâche

Yahoo Babel Fish translate it yourself.

-That Girl, Je suis un grand enfant maintenant?

Maybe the Pampers commericals lied.

Sunday, March 14, 2010


Dear Diary.

I just started writing a really good, like GREAT, post and I accidentally
closed the tab.



I REALLY. Really. REALLY. Don't want to have to rewrite everything.
It was so flipping good and I was right in the middle of success.



So basically.
I was talking about my different various flirting methods.
And CCAN. And how I felt about seeing him tomorrow.

And a flirting method I call Catching Goldfish where you get a guy you're interested in and decide to make him a friend instead a boyfriend like you once thought.

But now I'm extremely frustrated.
I'm too upset to repeat everything. sucks majorly.
Major SUCKAGE going on here, dude.

By the way, I refuse to use the word "BABE" now because of LBB.
He keeps calling me that when we talk over Facebook and AIM.
What the effin' hell is his problem? I have a name and it's obviously not "BABE".

Anyway. I'm more or less just really "UGHH"ish so I'll tell more about CCAN and me tomorrow.
I'm in total suspense mode. Will our relationship float or flood like the Titanic?

-That Girl, totally freaking out.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

That's what she said!

Dear Diary,

Continuing on from my old post and adding some little footnotes:
((I just looked over my lost post and what I said made me sound like a freakin' Bitch (from the book Rhymes with Witches)/Heather (from the movie Heathers, -makes pompous and egotistical football player voice-Durr!)/other un-liked yet totally and completely in-awe-by-others group of cliquey girls.
The thing is really that...the girls put you put to certain situations and see how you react. They see how the guys see you. Then they ask you things to see how you respond, sometimes it can be a little mean, and I let them think that they are totally in control but also that I can joke with them too, and when they are crazy you laugh and respond back with questions. That's basically it. That's basically how I got "in."
And I was planning to start maybe just being a teensy bit more forward with CCAN this week and so that's why I gave those links, but we ended up not going to the bungalow on Monday and while I for some odd reason always found CCAN next to me in p. e. , in a nonstalkerish way that makes me wonder if he's there on purpose, I always freak out a little internally yet never let it show and I don't glance at him. I don't want to seem all weird/clingy/desperate/obvious so I just pretend not to think or look at him.
Which is a horrible idea, really. How's he ever going to know if I'm interested in him this way? So I was thinking of doing some flirting techniques I found online and in various teenage magazines such as Cosmogirl! and Seventeen and an old school favorite called Twist because even though old magazines don't bode well for fashion tips, guy tips are always timeless.
But even though I'm fearless when it comes to flirting most of the time, this time I'm scared. I actually really like this guy, both for his looks and personality and I really don't wanna screw up.
Then again, I'm also scared he's going to lose any interest that he might have had/does have at the moment...))

Anyway. Today I thought I'd start with some of the most used phrases in high school and what I think of them.

"Your Face."
This certain phrase is actually one of my favorites simply because it is so damn stupid. It can be used to answer a question which someone asks such as, "What is that?" or "Do you know what this is a picture of?"
The answer? Naturally, it's Your Face.
BUT. There is an alternative to the above.
"Your Mom," or "Your Mother," or "Yo Mama."
Although contrary to popular belief, "Yo mama" is the thing people say the least. "Your Mom," is a very common thing to say and "Your mother," can sounds kind of funny when it's said cheekily. Guys usually prefer this phrase to "Your Face," because...well because they are dumb. 'Nuff said?

"That's what SHE said!"
This is most definitely the most popular thing to say in high school. I swear that I hear it at least 10 times a day! And yeah, sometimes it can be pretty funny if you weren't expecting it at all, but it can soo be easily overdone!
If, somehow(??), you missed the epidemic of this phrase, it is used when someone says something that a girl could say while having sex.
For example (By the way, YES this post is actually kind of fun to talk about today) a girl in your P. E. class might be commenting on the baseball bat she has in her hands and say, "This stick is so long and hard, how am I going to score with this thing?" That would be your que to say, "That's what she said!" Although it's weird sometimes when a girl says it, depending on how it's said.
Sadly enough, I do find this pretty funny and I've had my share of "That's what she said!" moments.

One I actually really like because of the pointless factor would have to be...
"Gurrl, I will CUT you!"
This can only be described by the following Youtube Video.
Please tell me you've seen it! If you haven't...dude you are MISSING out.
Check it. And check the links listed below. That site is Hella Beasting.
And that's another phrase, "Hella Beasting," I mean.
You should know what that means. Also "thizzin'" in the non-literal sense and "Ballin" because...that's the way I like it...uh huh uh huh.
Sorry I need sleep. Sleep Deprivation will make you a straight up G.
Which I am not.
ERG! Sorry. Gotta get outta the ghetto smack talk mode, which is really fun to use when kidding with friends.

I would love to say more today but Mother is telling me to go to bed.
Yeah I know I know...

"Your Mom!"

What I have to say to that is...
"Girl, you hella HURT!"

-That Girl, don't get crazy.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Birthday is today. Openended post that I'll finish later!!

Dear Diary,

Have you ever had the feeling when everything is more-or-less exactly how you always wanted it, and how you might have always wished, but you just don't feel happy?
I mean.
I have the friends and the popularity level I've always wanted. I'm only a freakin' freshman and I have a reputation of being cool with everyone I know, and people actually have respect for that. People respect and like me. Yeah I kind of feel like one of those fake-ass beauty pageant queens who go, "They like me? They likeme. They really do!" Except that you KNOW that girl was always well liked. I was always decently liked, but not to the point when people that I don't even know, know me. Or rather, they just know my name.
I never could understand what the hype of popularity is about. I've been there done that. Being one of the most popular girls in school is 3 different things:
And really really hard work.
You always have to watch what you say, how you dress, and compete with others to keep your rank. Falling down the social chain is 10 times easier than staying in a current position. Rising is easy. Falling is easy. Staying risen? Hard work, babe.
Anyway. So what I was saying is that I have the friends. The clothes. My family is decent even though my parents are divorced, I only see my dad once a week or once every 2 or 3 weeks, I only see my brother once a week since he goes to college and lives with my dad, I recently just moved to the 2nd house my mom, (Actually, I forgot to mention this really important life-changing event, Diary, so sorry 'bout that. I now live with my mom and rabbit and fish in a different house. I used to live in the most beautiful, clean, and healthy environment, and now my neighborhood is very...middle class. I was always slightly above middle class. And I liked that very much. ) and I have the decent looks and brains.
I have guys who would go out with me if I asked them. I have guy friends.
But what I don't have?
Not boy friends, I have those; I have no boyfriend.
But that's not really what I'm upset about. Btw, my birthday is on Sunday and for no particular reason I'm not all that pumped up about it this year. I always had the best parties but I'd (truthfully?) rather sleep in and eat some Ben&Jerry's in bed, find re-runs of the Tyra Show, Fresh Prince of Bel air, George Lopez, Made, and Millionaire Matchmaker to lay in bed with and watch.
Now that's perfection.
But. I'm having a party this year, but it's much more low-key then all my last ones put together. Also, it's with ExBestFriend and other people in that group of friends. And no they aren't the popular kids, who I could have a party with, but they are the chill laid-back and slightly dorky friends I have. No wait, not dorky. And not geeky and definitely not nerdy. More like... gooberish. And that's cool.
Would you rather hang with fake wannabes and party princesses who outshine you on your birthday or goober friends who act exactly how they want to and don't care who they embarrass in the process?
I chose the goobers this year, although I'm planning on having some kind of cool bonfire-esque type of thing later which I'll call my belated 15th birthday.
Oh wanna know a big whammy? My 16th birthday next year will be featured on the most depressing day of the week: Monday.
And here's a random fact for you, the majority of suicides happen on a Monday.
Just so you know.

I am close to giving up hope that CCAN and me will ever be more then maybe telling our friends, "Yeah, that guy/girl that sits next to me in P. E. seems pretty cool."
And yeah, usually I would start out my new blog post with some interesting and comical quip that catches your attention, but I just don't feel like it today. I'm not in the mood.
Btw. I just found out that the TAB button works on this laptop.
Can you say "shocker"?
I just thought that I'd share with you how my day went and why I'm shaking things up a little. Starting Monday I'm going to be working on a plan. A plan in which I am devising today and this weekend. And tomorrow too, but I'll be devising it, not taking action on my plan tomorrow or the weekend, mind you.

So today.
Today I had P. E. like usual and like usual we sat out in rows to take attendance in the gym.
OH OH OH. I've been meaning to talk about yesterday and the day before.
The day before yesterday in gym CCAN was there before me waiting for the teacher to come over and take attendance. Remember that there was a quiet guy he helped to get up a couple days ago? Well, I saw CCAN sitting next to him and just chillin' there. Yeah, CCAN's other friends were there-his cool friends-but he didn't sit next to them. He kept the company of a very uncool guy.
CCAN is so nice, it's crazy. He's so perfect, it's crazy. I like him so much, it's crazy. Good crazy, of course. Note that the uncool guy sits directly in front of me and I always sit next to my good ol pal before the teacher comes over to take roll everyday. So that means I sat next to CCAN sorta for a little while.
And later? Our class finished running and joggin' around the gym and when we stopped we had to come back into our roll call assigned seats to stretch. And CCAN walked over to our class spots and stopped abruptly on number 32 out of our all of our class numbers.
That's my number.
He just stood there for a second until I came over and squeezed in the small space between him and the guy on the other side of me. I'm actually really good at pretending to look really calm and nonchalant when I'm freakin' out on the inside! I had a smile on my face and only gave him a slight glance.
Diary, I think I've mentioned this before, but I'll say it again.
I can be. A very big flirt.
When I see a decent looking guy I instantly go into flirt mode without even thinking about it. I don't play the dumb card but I laugh a ton, flip my hair often, be very playful, and I make some excuse to slightly have body contact
like just tapping their shoulder, putting my foot up against them to measure size, or sometimes I just make a bunch of eye contact. I smile a whole lot and talk very articulately too, but not in a weird preppy way.
But anyway, so then he just walks back over to his roll call number and sits down normally. What was the point of this? I have no idea.
And the day after this? I am walking with my friend who I believe I call Veronica, and while I walk over to sit down with her until the teacher comes over, me and CCAN look at each other. We look eyes for at least 5 second which is basically forever when you lock eyes with somebody you don't know that well.
The weird thing was that it wasn't actually very awkward, and it wasn't overly flirty and ambitious either. Just a friendly locked-eye-contact-moment.
He looked a little intrigued. And I think I looked like it too. Because I was. Because he's so great and cute and funny even though he probably thinks that because he's not the leader of his cool guy group that I would like someone more powerful than him.
But no. Girls don't always notice him, but I do.
I sure do.

And because I like him so much I looked up how to get him.

AH DIARY my BIRTHDAY is today and I have no time to blog because I must leave in about 50 minutes and still take a shower and dress and do my makeup in this time.
I din't want my friends snooping around my computer and finding this blog, so I'm going to leave this post open ended and post the rest later!