Dear Diary,
It's That Girl again. Whew, have the years flown by - can I get an amen!?
I've missed writing here. A reason for not posting to be honest is that it's a strange space to be in - blogging. How much should be put into the blog and how much left out? What about the really fucked up things that might happen in life - loss, trauma, heartbreak - how much of it should be romanticized and edited to present to the public, and how much is just too grimy, dark, and insidious to want to share? Seriously, how much of life ought to be flipped to the sunnyside, and exactly when is the point in which it is the ahem right time to share bad news?
This blog had long been my happy frolicking, free-flowing, honest, sincere, yet somewhat idealized place. Building the stories of my life in direct experience, then narrating the monologue, the drama, the insights, the feelings. I just looked back at a random blog post and saw the post where I wrote about the first time I felt myself to be falling in love. Man, I'm 26 now, in just a week. I've had this blog since middle school :,) and if I'm being honest, it is probably the most coherent, honest and heartfelt collection of the stories of my life. It is an ongoing life memoir. How exciting is that? Diary, I've done quite a lot of 'inner work' in the past 2 years, uncovered some dragons that had been chasing me throughout my early 20's (also, to be honest as a teenager as well). The interesting thing about uncovering and learning how to ride the dragons of your past is that they bring you into a very illuminated, conscious point in the present moment. Things don't take you for a ride the way that they used to, which is a beautiful and delightful wash of calm that is in truth quite ecstatic once you go deep enough. But if you just touch the surface and see yourself as 'awakened', you may be in for a whole world of hurt unfortunately! I think that's where many people get stuck, into see fuck there are really many paths that I can go down right now and maybe I hadn't been on the right path but maybe I was oh shit I'm not a teenager, but then again, life is what you make it. They say as long as you keep on moving along, you'll be good to go. Eventually the life experiences stack up and you stop sucking at certain things once you've tried repeatedly out of need, to survive or otherwise. Then certain things seem boring, and other things seems miraculous. But when you dive into each thing with an openness to everything, each nuanced day could bring you a sense of pleasure and bliss.
But I'll be honest, I've been diving nose-first (honk honk) into a bunch, one could say a myriad of experiences to heal myself, love myself, learn to respect myself, learn that I matter too.
Funny as it is, in the past few years I've found myself looking back at some of my favorite movies, books, and shows over time and only in hindsight can I see that I deeply resonated with some characters who I only thought that I admired. But no... it's that thing where people say that when you look at art and uncover 'truth', you are really seeing about yourself being revealed, just layers of who we are as people. And it's funny too... how we tend to stereotype ourselves or others, but if we really try to use our empathy functions, we can see how at times we have related to certain ways of being that seem to 'belong' to others. Somewhat related to this topic at hand... Authenticity seems like one of the most elusive facets of being that we chase as adults... why is it not taught in schools, how to find ourselves, our real callings in life, and how to allocate our heart's truest loves in an expression outwardly into the world? And then why do we judge one another, how is it even possible that ego moves us into such drab places, when we don't need to?
Some tangential topics I've been pondering over-
And then we've got oh God help us - pride. I'm highly interested in this. If I am ever to reach a PhD in Philosophy (I'm a philosophy major for anybody reading this *smizes*) it would be to study pride. I'm fascinated by the topic -how ought we incorporate pride into our daily life workings?
Dear Diary, I have felt for most of my childhood and young adult life that I'm really just a million years old... and in the body of a young person. But Diary, the pain has been really felt. To say it hasn't been is a fallacy. I'll be honest, I've read a Course in Miracles and found many treasures there - that love is the only thing that is truly real and exists - but Diary, what about the heavy grievances of what I wished could have been, or the things that I wish weren't? Do they matter? Are they real, just fixations of the imagination gone wrong and wild? Yet - how can we say that it doesn't matter, when they affect us.
Dear Diary, this has been my innovative 'morning pages' fix for the day, because I do miss writing here, and the notebooks of scribbles don't quite 'do' it for me, I want to publicize my thoughts and tinkerings for the most part; a life in total isolation really is no fun at all.
Twiddle dee and twiddle dum - the days pass by but we're still here aren't we, strong and in solitude - you and me Diary, YOU and ME. :p
cupcakes of love and light, sweet, tender and yummy,
-That Girl
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