Epiphanies, or whatever huplah, of guys and cliques

Dear Diary, ((12:30 AM, well that's when I ended. I did this in opposite today if you get that)

Just yesterday and today I have been making some random, but of course, newfound epiphanies or whatever you call it. Huckaabloos, craniums, whatever. I just need to get a couple words out in edgewise.

So, I have decided something. That guy I've been dreaming of finding? You know, like that one from 27 Dresses who is really good looking, exceedingly funny, and has a great sense of sarcasm and everything else I look for in a guy? Or like...no wait, that's just about what I'm looking for. Oh, no wait actually the other day I saw a really cool movie call Blind Dating which has a horrible cover on the DVD (I saw this on the internet, not in RL, okay?) which makes it look like another raunchy teen movie when the main character is just some really nice guy wanting nothing more in life than "getting some ass!", well the actual movie is really good. Okay, maybe not all that inspirational, but it's cute and I think that the idea is really nice. That guy is pretty cool too. Combine the Blind Dating guy with the 27 Dresses guy and you've got my dream guy, but I have kind of realized that there's no guy out there like that. Or rather, not for me.

I've realized that I only look for a couple things when actually seeing a guy: that I'm comfortable being myself with him, that he's not a "playah-playa," that he is genuinely funny, that he is average-to-good looking, and that he seems to like me back.

Whenever I find out that a guy likes another girl, or if it seems that he's got a bunch of bimbos lined up to leave him an "LOL aww thanks but-" whatever kind of message, I ditch. The last thing I need is to have my heart broken.

But something else I've learned? I'm a whole lot happier when I'm liking a guy. It's like as if I have something to to look forward to, or rather, SOMEONE to look forward too. Sometimes there's a nice and decently funny guy who comes along and seems to peek interest in me, but I just don't like him. I tell myself that maybe I'm syking (spelling?) myself out because he's so great and secretly I like to think that I DO like him, but in the end I know that it was false hope that I liked the dude. I never did. But it would probably work out if I did like him!

There's something else that's been on my mind and bothering me a whole lot...it's the popularity and mostly the clique thing again. But it's different now.

It's like the other group feels put-off that I hang out with social nobodies instead of them sometimes after school. One day at the local smoothie/asian drink cafe place/hangout, I was sitting with ExBestFriendForever, and the other group that I'm part of (the cool people) walked in and sat near us. They all said "Hi That Girl" to me questioningly and I think that they all thought that *I* thought that they weren't good enough for me and so I settled for less. I'm really confused about how to split my time between the two. This happens EVERY time I'm at a school with EXBFF and it's starting to really frustrate me. It's one reason I didn't want to go to school with her again, it's just so painful. I don't want to ditch her all together and make it awkward for us, and I know that that group would be hurt that I chose not to hang out with them, but I think that the other group feels that I don't hang out and choose them ENOUGH of the time to make me a whole and official member of the clique. I really don't want to lose any of them, but when I don't choose then both cliques get mad at me and make me choose. It's so easy to choose EXBFF because I know that she'll always be there for me, but at the same time, who says that I don't want to be part of other experiences and be with these people?

People say that the clique you choose shows how you think of yourself.

Do I think of myself as a Weird but Funny as hell Social Nobody, or, Your regular Cool and quirky High School Girl?

And if I ditch one then will I become the Traitor like once before when I chose EXBFF over the cool girls and guys? I now regret choosing her now that I saw what I missed out on at my last school. All the experiences and fun. More friends and parties.

But no, I chose her and this is how my life turned out.

Time to sleep, eh mate?

-That Girl, spinning with confusion.

Btw, I'm thinking of getting my bangs ad hair cut like this...what do you think?

I mean, I want to keep the rest of my hair long except my bangs though. Just layer my long hair and side-sweep my bangs? Hmm...oh man too many ideas going through my head! I'll just sleep on it. See ya Suckas!

On a scale of one to ten...

Dear Diary (( 2:46 PM on a Tuesday afternoon. ))

Today I have decided to make this post a bunch of 1-10 scales instead of doing my regular paragraphin'. Why, you may ask? Well, I'm just tired of the same 'ol same 'ol and I need CHANGE. I'm craving change today and what better way to show it then make change? So here we go...

Oh btw, the song of the day is Lady Killer by Kreesha Turner. Check it out.

How big of a geek magnet am I?

8 and 3/4th

How freaked/stressed out am I most of the time?

A LOT. Like out of 10 times, 8 times is when I am.

AHH . Okay, well I was gonna list on a bunch of stuff today, but I'm having a sudden urge to not. I just can't think of stuff to rate because I'm also watching WIFE SWAP right now and so I have all these different things swimming through my head. Here's just some stuff that's happening lately:

-I didn't go to school yesterday or today because I have a small cold and I'm just

really tired for some reason. Also, I'm just not in the mood to socialize. Something that I've learned? I socialize with people very easily and I can totally be anyone's best friend when I put my best foot forward. But I literally get too lazy to socialize with people and I'm just content enough with what I have now.

-Some guy whose my friend's friend likes me, I think. He keeps looking at me when a group of us talk and when he's around his friend while they walk to me, my friend will say something like, "she doesn't even know you though!" quietly and he'll say, "but that doesn't matter." and some other stuff and sometimes she'll push him a little bit towards me. I haven't been verified if he likes me or not, but I can take a hint, you know?

-The really funny guy who hung out with my EBFF group stopped hanging out with us. I think he made other-more NORMAL-friends who are guys and not girls like the majority of most of our group which contains 3 freshman girls and 2 sophomore guys plus that one guy who left. He was a cool part of our group and it's sad that he left.

Gotta go SECRET SANTA shopping with EXBFF, talk to ya more later Diary. Thanks for listening dude.

-That Girl, where'd the humor go?

Two words. one thought: So confused!

Quote of the day: Uh, you know that one from Juno about finding that one peron who will love you no matter how you're feeling and looking that day? I would look it up but I'm suffering from something terrible that I call "LazyBoredomidous."

Mood(s) of the Day: Confused...just trying to get some things straight in my flippin' confused 14 1/2 (Yes, 14 1/2, I'm embracing my inner 5 year old "Mommy I'm actually five and a HALF years old so lemme get at that sugar filled-teeth rotting-too sweet for comfort-cake.") mind.

Song(s) of the day: Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz (it pretty much makes me feel like a load of shizz for rejecting all those geeks who came on to me this year) and Somebody like you by Keith Urban because I found it on Pandora Radio-check it out by the way yo it's seriously pretty cool. Pandora.com-and it sounded pretty decent to me. Oh and Life is a highway by whoever the hell sings that song.

Dear Diary, ((4:55 PM on Saturday and thank god(?) that I have nothing to do today. I keep getting invited to do all these things..."That Girl come do health homework with me," "That Girl wanna go to the movies?" "That Girl let's go shopping downtown..." and I'm EFFING tired of it all! I mean, right now I'd say that I'm pretty decently popular but is it worth all the work? All the time away from myself?))

So, to continue what I was saying above ^ I'm pretty confused. I'm not sure that I like being so popular all of a sudden. I have no time for myself these days and I'm constantly reminded that I have to worry about my reputaion at school, or rather, my social standing. If I reject these people will I miss out on something good? And what if these so called "popular" people are insanely boring?

Diary, if you're wondering why I haven't been able to post anything good lately, I'll tell ya. My laptop at home is working fine...except that I sorta broke the power cord that charges it. I kind of dropped my laptop off my lap and I guess that the impact on the cord made the cord bend in an unruly way and now I have no internet to use at home nor a laptop at all...smart huh? Gee I might as well submit my Yale application now...they'll ask me why I applied and I'll write down "Well, I had to stop using my laptop at home cuz I was being a freakin' smartie and bent the cord out of shape. How? Well that's the magic of it. I'm just that clumsy."
But at the chance of my busting out in sobs (no not really) I'll move onto another subject.

So, I went by Halloween without saying anything and I went to the movies and downtown with the so-called "popular" people and even went on a kayaking trip with those people that I worked with this summer. What should I start with?

How about the movie and downtown shopping trip (and the other shopping trip with yet another "popular" girl who sadly reminds me of MissStuckey from my K-8 school).

So, it was me and about 5 other girls with a guy who I think I called Marly? Yeah I had a very short-lived crush on him in the beginning of the year. So, we were going to see Paranormal Activity and sneak in since it's rated R, but we ended up up seeing something like I, Robot.

Oh DAMN my mom is here at my dad's hosue to pick me up. Finish this up later!

-That Girl, with much love and twirled with confusion

I'm still, I'm still, I'm still Geek Magnet from the block & Why can't I...?

"Yeah, I get a feeling that he just decided to apply for a job at Hooters since he's a girl today anyway." Me to the other girls from my part-time job.

CGF

(Remember him? He's the guy who was insanely nice to me, really cool, and kind of cute this summer. I saw him today and we went trick-or-treating with the other people I work with. He was cold and borrowed my friend's sister's jacket that made him look girlish so he decided to just be a girl for Halloween. Btw...I might like him...ANYWAY...more deets in a sec.)

The 3 guys thought that the pretty Hooters girl said to go grab the candy in the back, when really she said that there was no candy, so us girls left and realized that the guys didn't come out for a little while. They ran out and said that they went to go get the candy but couldn't find it, this is just so funny to me that I really must just LOL LOL LOL all over the place and add a :) because he's so nice and funny and easy to talk to...and god I think I might really like him, but I thought that I liked my other friend that I'll call Freckles because he's really cute and even though he doesn't have freckles, he reminds me of freckles.

Who do I like? I just don't get me...deep sigh.

Dear Diary, ((1:12 AM, whoa WHAT? Dude, it got late! Okay, well I'm going to say Happy Halloween right now even though technically, yes, it's November 1st in actuality. I'm so stressed. Two main things to get from my post today: I flirt with guys easily and attract geeks like bugs to flames. Also, I flirt with guys but when it comes to admitting that I have a crush on someone I chicken out. Therefore, no guys for me. But...I really think that I might like CGF from work. He's really nice and funny, but that doesn't mean that he couldn't go and reject me if he ever found out. It almost seems like he likes me, but I could never take the risks, my friends all come to me of all people for advice on their guy troubles, but hello I'm the one without a boyfriend right now and I just get freaked out when I hear how guys hurt and reject some of them because I feel like all the horrible things that could happen, will happen. How very depressing. My life sucks, huh?))

Okay, I basically explained my main stress right up there ^ but my second stress? I'm a geek magnet! I got one geeky and clingy "stalker" who asked out 87 girls last year according to my source which is my friend "Veronica" who went to school with him last year and her other middle school years. Also, this insanely geeky guy asked me to "hang with him sometime" and I asked EXBFF about this and she agreed that he was asking me out to date him. I told Veronica about this and she did a shivery type thing and agreed that he was plain hideous.

I think that I might like Freckles, but I'm not sure. His personality is nice, he's averagely okay and I hang out with him a lot. He doesn't really date that much and he's pretty okay looking. The only thing-which might not seem like such a big deal to some people, but it is for me-is that he's not genuinely funny to me. I mean, sometimes he is kind of funny, but usually I almost force out a laugh and ask questions to see where the punch line went without being obvious. I mean, he's just bad at telling stories to be totally truthful. I laugh at his stories that he thinks are funny usually because the actual story is funny but the way he presents it makes it sound bad, where as I do the opposite where I make totally uninteresting stories interesting with adjectives and slight exaggerations and good facial expressions and all that good stuff. Not that I'm bragging though, I mean I obviously do have problems...far too many problems actually...deep sigh again.

See, CoolGuyFriend (CGF) tells me good stories that make me laugh and tell me really funny jokes, inside jokes, and stories, and facts and all sorts of things. I think that he's also slightly better looking and more interesting, but I see him only once or twice a month, so what's the point? He always touches my shoulder and arm and pays for me and talks to me really sweetly and I can totally imagine going out with him, but I just don't know. I don't think that I could take being rejected even though I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't reject me if by the one in 90 billion chance that I suddenly got a sudden burst of courage and decided to ask him out. Maybe if I get drunk someday when we're at a party together I would tell him, but then I'd probably say a little too much and end up puking on his Vans right after getting the big news off me chest. Just shove that last idea back down, I won't ever be doing that.

Wait, let's talk music for a sec.

Oh god, right now I'm listening to Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz and it makes me feel bad. I love this song because I'd love to tell a guy this and convince them that I'm the girl for him (you know, if I was a geek in the first place) by sneaking a mix tape in their locker some day and he gives me a hug and kisses me on the lips in the middle of the hallway randomly and then he says "You were never a geek in pink, but you were always the girl for me." But I can imagine an ugly guy in high school who suddenly gets really famous and attractive after school ends and how girls were so mean to him that it caused him to write entertaining songs about their pain and then it's too late to apologize.

I prefer Smile by Uncle Kracker which makes me feel really good and heartwarming. Every time I have a crush on someone I feel this way about them, although a little less um, everything in the song. Not quite as extreme, but something like that. This song reminds me of the county fair and how I'd love to go with a boyfriend like CGF and eat cotton candy together and smash ice cream or cake in the other person's face and go on the ferris wheel together. It sounds like I really like CGF, huh? I wish I knew, but words only go so far and then comes everything else in your head, huh?

Well, I wanna go to sleep before 2 AM (YIKES!) so I'll say some more another day. Sorry I haven't been able to blog much lately, but I have so much going on that it's hard to put it all into words. My problem used to be the opposite, I'd be able to say everything I do and post it up, but have too much time on my hands and now I have the exact opposite.

Happy Halloween, watch out Dracula tonight ;) !

-That Girl, on the prowl and confused like peanut butter without his beloved jelly, what goes where and how?