Monday, November 30, 2009

Epiphanies, or whatever huplah, of guys and cliques

Dear Diary, ((12:30 AM, well that's when I ended. I did this in opposite today if you get that)

Just yesterday and today I have been making some random, but of course, newfound epiphanies or whatever you call it. Huckaabloos, craniums, whatever. I just need to get a couple words out in edgewise.

So, I have decided something. That guy I've been dreaming of finding? You know, like that one from 27 Dresses who is really good looking, exceedingly funny, and has a great sense of sarcasm and everything else I look for in a guy? Or wait, that's just about what I'm looking for. Oh, no wait actually the other day I saw a really cool movie call Blind Dating which has a horrible cover on the DVD (I saw this on the internet, not in RL, okay?) which makes it look like another raunchy teen movie when the main character is just some really nice guy wanting nothing more in life than "getting some ass!", well the actual movie is really good. Okay, maybe not all that inspirational, but it's cute and I think that the idea is really nice. That guy is pretty cool too. Combine the Blind Dating guy with the 27 Dresses guy and you've got my dream guy, but I have kind of realized that there's no guy out there like that. Or rather, not for me.
I've realized that I only look for a couple things when actually seeing a guy: that I'm comfortable being myself with him, that he's not a "playah-playa," that he is genuinely funny, that he is average-to-good looking, and that he seems to like me back.
Whenever I find out that a guy likes another girl, or if it seems that he's got a bunch of bimbos lined up to leave him an "LOL aww thanks but-" whatever kind of message, I ditch. The last thing I need is to have my heart broken.
But something else I've learned? I'm a whole lot happier when I'm liking a guy. It's like as if I have something to to look forward to, or rather, SOMEONE to look forward too. Sometimes there's a nice and decently funny guy who comes along and seems to peek interest in me, but I just don't like him. I tell myself that maybe I'm syking (spelling?) myself out because he's so great and secretly I like to think that I DO like him, but in the end I know that it was false hope that I liked the dude. I never did. But it would probably work out if I did like him!

There's something else that's been on my mind and bothering me a whole's the popularity and mostly the clique thing again. But it's different now.
It's like the other group feels put-off that I hang out with social nobodies instead of them sometimes after school. One day at the local smoothie/asian drink cafe place/hangout, I was sitting with ExBestFriendForever, and the other group that I'm part of (the cool people) walked in and sat near us. They all said "Hi That Girl" to me questioningly and I think that they all thought that *I* thought that they weren't good enough for me and so I settled for less. I'm really confused about how to split my time between the two. This happens EVERY time I'm at a school with EXBFF and it's starting to really frustrate me. It's one reason I didn't want to go to school with her again, it's just so painful. I don't want to ditch her all together and make it awkward for us, and I know that that group would be hurt that I chose not to hang out with them, but I think that the other group feels that I don't hang out and choose them ENOUGH of the time to make me a whole and official member of the clique. I really don't want to lose any of them, but when I don't choose then both cliques get mad at me and make me choose. It's so easy to choose EXBFF because I know that she'll always be there for me, but at the same time, who says that I don't want to be part of other experiences and be with these people?
People say that the clique you choose shows how you think of yourself.
Do I think of myself as a Weird but Funny as hell Social Nobody, or, Your regular Cool and quirky High School Girl?
And if I ditch one then will I become the Traitor like once before when I chose EXBFF over the cool girls and guys? I now regret choosing her now that I saw what I missed out on at my last school. All the experiences and fun. More friends and parties.
But no, I chose her and this is how my life turned out.

Time to sleep, eh mate?

-That Girl, spinning with confusion.

Btw, I'm thinking of getting my bangs ad hair cut like this...what do you think?

I mean, I want to keep the rest of my hair long except my bangs though. Just layer my long hair and side-sweep my bangs? Hmm...oh man too many ideas going through my head! I'll just sleep on it. See ya Suckas!

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