Wednesday, October 1, 2014

There's more out there

Dear Diary,

Do you ever stop to think about people you used to care about?
Maybe it's just me. Yeah probably just me.

But whatever happens with the one that got away or the first boy to break your heart into a million teeny shards that will never completely come together again?

I'm happy with my current relationship, trust me I am. It's an incredible feeling to be wanted and respected by a kind man, but what happens to those loves of your life that used to make you sing "Someone like you" while smearing tears and snot on yourself as you Facebook stalk?

Is it wrong to say that I miss some moments that I've had with others?
Like when I talked to "The one that got away" on Facebook wall, messaging, picture comments, and phone texting at the same time. When we met, I felt so comfortable and giddy with him and I felt like I knew him for a long time, immediately! I felt like he was everything I've ever wanted in a guy, and he appeared out of nowhere to be this incredible facet of my teenage years! There were Sparks.

Then, there was the one who understood more than anybody I've ever met, the one I could depend on to give me the advice that I need not just want to hear. I've heard that with people like this, your connection never fades despite time. Anyone ever seen Orange is the New Black? This guy was the Alex to my Piper. We made bad decisions together and I knew it was wrong but knew I needed him too.
I miss him so much. And I can't tell people this because I'll get the predictable:
a.) "He's an asshole! You can do better than him!/You deserve better!"
b.) "But I thought you said you loved your new boyfriend?"
It's not the physical stuff necessarily with him that I miss. Although he was basically my *first* and before my current boyfriend, this asshole was pretty much included in my first everythings. My first sexual experiences, the first time I felt like somebody actually gets who I am, the first time I stayed out overnight in my car (with him), the first mini-roadtrips I've taken (with him), the first times I stayed on the phone literally all night to talk to someone (as in...4...5 hours with him), the first time I was hit with unexpected physical heart and mental pain from a guy breaking my heart, the first time I let myself fall in love.
I miss talking to him the most. I feel lonely without him, even if at the moment I have a boyfriend, best girlfriends, and reasonably close family members. The sucky thing about being in college is that everyone starts to form their own little lives. My best friend spends practically everyday with her boyfriend so there's not much time for us to be as close as before; my other best friend is away an hour or so away in college working on her sorority and forming internships; my boyfriend doesn't understand me even though I know that he is trying...and sees a FOREVER with us.

My boyfriend also isn't into talking on the phone.
I never get good morning or good night messages. He doesn't even say "bye" on the phone...just hangs up! I'm all like, "Okay buh-" and he hangs up before I can even finish.
I get about 3 texts from him a day...not joking. And I can forget about night time phone calls. My favorite thing about being close with a guy is probably the time we have to talk in our free time during the day and at night before we sleep.
Honestly, the lack of communication makes me feel neglected and distant from him. And those feelings make me feel insecure...annoyed...angry...sad.
He does put in effort to text me at all since he's never been a daily-texting kind of person, but I am. Especially with a guy I'm dating. Because the case of the matter is...some other guy I could potentially date would give me the communication needs I desire. I see my current guy about two to three full days a week (including the daytime and sleeping over to the next night) which is completely fine...except that I also never feel like he cares to hear about little things during the rest of the week. It makes me feel like we're platonic friends who have sex, but in reality he's actually in love with me and doesn't seriously understand why I'm frustrated by our lack of communication.
Even that asshole I used to talk to called me most nights to talk and sometimes in the afternoon when he was walking somewhere or waiting for a bus. Besides that, I ALWAYS got frequent, all-day texts from him if I didn't get a call. That' right, the guy who was using me to cheat on his girlfriend put more effort into talking to me than my current boyfriend does.  That must mean something!!! I just haven't figured out what exactly though. Good cookies for thought (hehe sweet tooth version).

-That Girl, I long for more.

Friday, August 15, 2014

The Absolute Worst Thing About Dating

Dear Diary,

I am plagued with the thought of being in a relationship with a boy who I know I do not want to spend forever with.
Our current count is: 7 months.
That being said, I wonder since this is the longest relationship I have been in since my 19 years of living, inclusive of:
-3 years of wanting a boy to fall hopelessly-madly in love with my scrawny figure and sarcastic wit I probably didn't fully understand myself in middle school;
-4 years of high school where I focused on dating guys who only wanted one thing except for ditching class with me, they wanted to ditch class too

I am developing my usual commitmentphobitis or am I actually unhappy with the person I am dating?
(commitmentphobitis defined at the post from back in the good ol' days:

Personally, I hate dating and I hate being single just as equally. How so?
When I am single, I feel this pressure to impress other single guys so that I can feel desired while being utterly and desperately alone at the end of the day. It fills the void of being along when you feel desired by guys who want to be with you and you could always potentially call over. Even that knowing that you could, can, and have the power to call somebody to connect with though, can make one feel even lonelier because there is nobody really there at all times. I desire the feeling of having somebody to come back to always, with stability and security.
I hate dating. When I am starting to date someone, I feel like I'm a monkey showing off to potential buyers and I have no idea what their intentions are for me. There is no security in going out to dinners with guys who you barely know/aren't sure you can see yourself with in the long run.

The absolute worst thing about dating is not knowing if the person you are with is going to make you happier, more fulfilled and in love than any person you could potentially date in the future. Maybe the person you're dating is the best you're going to get and wanting more is simply selfish and stupid and silly, to be imagining a more perfect, fairytale version of passion and laughter than you have currently.
On the other hand, maybe there is something far, far better that you could never see coming and will never arrive at if you cannot get yourself out of a slump of a settled relationship that you are too scared to leave.

It is said that with change, people fear losses more than they desire good things to happen.
Doesn't that suck, but ain't that the truth!

-That Girl, overthinking or underthinking

P.S. On a light note, this made me laugh harder than I should have. Here.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Calm After The Storm: Dating A Nice Guy

"I was so used to the agony and anxiety of unrequited love that I thought agony and anxiety were love. It wasn't enough for someone to make my pulse race, he had to make me sick. One boyfriend, Mr.My Filthy Home Is My Castle, actually gave me migraines; he was my hero. The pain of it all was also an antidote to the tedium, masking the most banal of connections with time-sucking, brain-freezing uncertainty. Why talk about politics or books or anything when you can talk about whether or not this is a relationship? Or why not just have sex." Cynthia Kaplan

Dear Diary,

Recently I've been having the worst debate in my mind about whether what I have with my current boyfriend leaves something left to be desired, after reflecting back on the incredibly strong feelings I had for Andrew during the last 2 years. Andrew was my best friend, my lover, and my surrogate boyfriend in times of singularity, though I wonder whether the connection I felt with him was all complete bullshit. He did tell his friends that he called me for sex, left me to be the person on the side, and made me drive him around like a chauffeur. Then again, he knew me front and back and we clicked on another level that was almost eerie-to the point where we would say something weird out loud at the same time, already know how the other person would react to hearing any news, and could stay on the phone for 4+ hours at a time before hanging out for the next two days in person.
I have such a tendency to believe rumors that other people tell me about whichever guy I'm involved with, and they're often ideas that I've already had a hunch about previously. My current boyfriend said that Andrew told his friends that he called me for sex, yet he didn't know about the all-night-long conversations we would have about literally anything. I opened myself up for Andrew in a way I haven't for anyone and it's such a weird shift to abandon him in my life to the current guy, who I don't feel that same intense connection with. Andrew drove me crazy with emotions and I practically did anything for him when he was relevant in my life, but I don't have the desire to be emotionally and physically close with my current man all the time.

My question of the day: When going from an intense, yet unhealthy and passionate relationship with one person, is there always something left to be desired in the nice guy who can't pull your strings the same way after?

-That Girl, I wish the grass didn't seem greener on the other side

If girls want someone who treats them like an equal Why do they only date assholes? - If girls want someone who treats them like an equal Why do they only date assholes?  Philosoraptor

Monday, April 14, 2014

There's Your Dream Person... Then There's The Person You're Dating

Dear Diary,

Man, it's been a hell of a long time since I've taken the time to write a post on here. There are some reasons for this, and so, I shall list them:

-I've got a boyfriend
 o we aren't miserably unhappy with each other
 o he takes up a hell of a lot of my free time (see: "AllofThatGirl'sTime")
 o unhappy relationships make for interesting posts while happy ones bore the shit out of most readers (Okay, just me? I mean...let's be honest, sadness makes for art while happiness makes for puff-pastry-pieces)

-I'm taking a full school load of courses
 o fuck this homework I have to still do tonight (It's been bugging me how long I have gone without writing anything that I actually feel free writing about!)

-I have a new car
 o fuck car payments

-I have to work a decent amount of hours every week
 o see: "I have a new car"


So, the only interesting reason listed above is really the first one.
A boyfriend?!!
And no, it's not the ExFriendWithBenefits.

NO, it's not the guy I went to the dance with in high school. But while I'm on that subject...

I've been so stuck on describing life exploding with emotions when I had EXFWB around that I completely forgot to describe a majorly cool, romance-novel-like event that occurred about 6 months ago!
There's that one guy I described as being the perfect guy, the one I went to a dance with my sophomore year in high school (that was 4 years ago?) and became infatuated with after it didn't work out between us. Last summer I started taking summer classes at the community college that he is currently attending, fully aware that I could run into him at any time-kind of hoping we'd run into each other in a cutesy not creepy way, but I was honestly actually at the school to study as my priority and not expecting anything to come of him and I anymore-and something crazy happened.
I was in the food court after standing in line to pick up a cup of mah Starbucks Chai Latte and saw a really cute guy from a distance, walking towards me. We were walking in opposite directions and for some reason, just as when I first met that guy I was infatuated with, I couldn't help but to check this guy out and even felt like smiling when he got closer to me and that is not something I ever do when I pass a dude. Then he started looking familiar...
We were looking at each other with wide eyes as we met one another halfway, near the front doors of the building, and took on awkward grins. He probably thought I'd ignore him and continued walking past me slightly while maintaining eye contact, but for some reason I said, "Hey" really casually and kept my cool as he turned to face me.
"What the fu-" he started to say while smiling.
I just looked at him with a big smile on my face.
"What are you...what the-" he scrambled to find his words while we stood smiling at each other some more.
"What are you doing here?" he finally got out.
"I go to school here." I said pleasantly and while still grinning ear from ear.
His smile is electric and so was our chemistry just from standing across from each other. 4 years later and we still had some kind of spark!  
"Wha-?" He was looking at me with disbelief, but somehow the surprising spark being present in the awkwardness of our meeting another like this was...serendipity? Meeting at a single building in a school away from our home cities at this time in the morning when we both are not morning people...what were the odds?
From there, we had a short conversation with him mostly scrambling to ask me questions while I answered them and couldn't help showing all my teeth, feeling way more in control, confident, and delighted in the situation then previous times we had ran into each other when we were both with our groups of friends a few years earlier. Man, did he look good. Biker legs, my homie!
At some point I cut our meeting short by saying, "I guess I'll see you around," with a straight face and sweet, ever so might-be-flirting-but-could-have-imagined-it voice. It was the kind of flirting I do instinctually when feeling confident and honestly could not plan out in advance if I wanted to. Knowing that he was still staring at me, I walked away without turning to see if he was still there, and I could feel his gaze following me as I disappeared from sight. Just kidding. I sat down at a table by myself on the other side of the food court to text a few of my friends what had happened and took out my notebook to study a bit before class.
That's the stuff of fairytales, Drew Barrymore movies, and chick-lit novels. But it was all true and amazing! Even thinking about it now, with a different boyfriend who is very nice and good to me, my heart flutters a bit at the thought of the two of us running into each other the way we did. The surprise! The undeniable chemistry that I know we both felt!  
How do I know he felt something too? He texted me. For the first time in 4 years.
And we texted for a day before stopping.
Then he texted a week or two later and we talked for over a day.
Another two weeks pass and he texts me and we talk for about the same amount of time.
This goes on for a while, until we start talking for a few days at a time. No "good night," "good morning" kind of stuff, but he checked up on how I was doing all the time. Gave me advice on teachers without me asking, told me when to leave my house to avoid traffic the first day of school in the fall, and even indirectly asked me to go to a movie night the campus was having for extra credit in our separate classes, twice.  
He was my dream guy, but I realized the more we talked that I still didn't know him any better now than I did at 16. The jokes and kindness were still amazing, but everything he said was always impressive and I wondered how he always knew the right thing to say. Then again, maybe he really isn't a very flawed guy. Either way, my infatuation faded quite a bit and now I still see him as a great guy and I think any girl he ends up with will be so very lucky. I have only spoken praises about him and everybody whose known me for a few years knows that, and he has always always always been a gentleman to me despite us not working out romantically. Could there still be a future for us? We'd have to wait and see where life takes us, I suppose. I got lots of compliments from him in the past half year over text and I've never felt offended by anything by him before, which further pushes me to believe he is a great guy.
But I have a boyfriend. And the two of them had a class together before. Like, 2 months ago before now.
At the second movie night I attended, I went with...
dun.  dun.  dun.
EXFWB's friend (I call him *Paul) that I had been hanging out with previously. Look at my last post for more details about that. And he is the guy I am now dating.
Here's what was awkward about that night though:
I went with Paul to the movie night so we wouldn't be going stag and I knew that ExInfatuation (Honestly, he's only getting hotter every year though!! cute teenager = fine lookin' man) was going to be there because he texted me earlier that day about it. At this point with EXI though, I was a feeling over the whole "I'm going to impress him!" phase and more about getting to know Paul better.
At some point, EXI's friend-who is my best friend's cousin-says, "THAT GIRL? Is that you?" and I walk over to the two of them with their other guy friend. Paul follows besides me and the FIVE of us stand in a circle as I talk to my best friend's cousin and make an awkward (not good-awkward) pass of words between EXI. He is standing across from me in this mini circle and these guys are all pretty much towering above my small frame, making it just feel weird.
"How did you like ---?" EXI says a word I'm not sure of.
"How did I like what?" I respond. The room is loud and full of students, so I'm forced to raise my voice.
"How did you like (phil)?" It sounds like he's asking me how I like my philosophy class?
"Phil?" I half-shout back.
"(Phil)!" He half-shouts towards me.
"Phil?" I ask.
"...phil...?" I am obviously losing in the art of communication. I'm kind of grinning and so is everybody else, but not in the best ha-ha way. More like a grimace on my part actually.
"Film!" He says again, leaning back when saying it this time.
"Oh! Film! It was good." Well, I wasted everybody's time with a response that has no real grain to it.
"Did you like it?" I ask him.
"Yeah, [I forgot what he said after this but it was something suiting to my own answer]."
"Okay. Well, see you guys around," I say and they say bye to me.
Paul, who said nothing but stood next to me the whole time, followed behind me. I think the main reason it was awkward was because of the obvious question in the air of who this guy was and why I was with him one-on-one this night, me not knowing what to introduce each person as to each other in relationship to me and only me knowing 3/4 of them.
What was I supposed to say?
"Hello, this is Paul. He is somebody I am starting to become friends with. Paul, this is the guy I used to date and I am also starting to become friends with EXI. Paul, this is my best friend's cousin. I don't know that other guy."  That wouldn't work.

Anyway. If you skip ahead a month later, 1/10/14, Paul and I are officially dating.

... Whoops, looks like I've procrastinated my homework and sleep longer than I planned.

Stay tuned to catch up with me about my improving love life: i.e. no longer used for slick booty calls!
Ew. Slick booty. I meant, like...sketchy...or some other word...not slick booty...

-That Girl, I also need to revamp my writing skills(skillz)!

Thursday, January 9, 2014

This House Is Falling Apart: Going Back to Something Bad, It Won't Bring Anything Good

Dear Diary, (Finishing up around midnight at 1/5/14. Happy New Years! Woot woot, let's celebrate the fact that I'm going to stop making an ass of myself in 2014.)

In the past week, I fed the homeless with a friend whom is passionate about helping the needy, got on track with my schoolwork, was lucky with a universal website malfunction in a class I wasn't about to make one tricky work deadline for, worked a good amount of hours in the office, made new friends in my classes, and reconnected with a semi-ex from 3 years ago.
Guess what happened in the past 48 hours?
I bombed a quiz, skipped a midterm, didn't turn in a scantron test, forgot about a homework assignment, had meaningless sex with a friend who will never appreciate the things I do for him, got rejected with my invitation to see a group movie with that semi-ex, slept with makeup on (and just caked on more of it in the morning), broke out in 2 zits (from the latter), missed an interview to volunteer at a hospital (which I have been waiting on for three months), and was reprimanded for dangerously approaching homeless people with sandwiches on Halloween night.

You only get so many doors that pop open for you throughout your lifetime and going back to something that you already know will hurt you in the long-run slams, wrecks, puts to fire, and drowns those new doors faster than you can imagine.


The above was a post that was created and unfinished around Halloween time. Can you believe that it's basically Christmas right now? I still remember New Year's Eve transitioning 2012 to the bright lights of 2013 in a blaze of celebratory cheers, trusted friends, and compassion for the people in my life at the time. Sometimes I people that I feel like I know ever take time to evaluate the strangeness of time passing by so quickly at our young age? We're only 18...19...25 max, yet looking at middle school children and their high school seniors brings feelings of being wiser counterparts to the oblivious people that we used to be. Myself at 18 probably wouldn't be friends with myself at 15 if we could meet in an alternate universe away from here.
As Franz Kafka, my current favorite author and seemingly hopeful-at-heart existentialist of his time, once wrote, "Often - and in my inmost self perhaps all the time - I doubt whether I am a human being." Does anyone else besides myself and my boy Franz ever felt isolated in their way of thinking? Ever felt like challenging that life is merely this "x" numbers of years and then ends permenatly with no more thinking or feeling ever again?
 I found it somehow tragic to the point of humor that while Franz told his friend to dispose of his writings upon his death, his friend took it upon himself to publish Franz's personal works, including novels, diary entries, and love letters. Talk about invasion of privacy and pure insight into a man's innermost thoughts. Were Franz to magically come back to life by the time his work was published, he'd probably punch his friend in the face. Really hard. Then descend back into his wonderfully poetic, tortured mind during the nights before his real end came.

Ahhhh. I missed writing. There's something nice about expressing myself through careful articulation of my words in no rush to meet anybody's expectations, not even my own. I usually have no idea what direction these posts will take when I start writing them and I also have no idea who ends up reading my blog on this planet of billions of people. Someone from Germany Googles Garfield comics today and ends up seeing my 8th grade post about a guy that barely looked my way 5 years ago? Let's hope they have better luck than my young self did. Wouldn't it be amazing to talk to yourself years ago? To tell yourself how much you believe in, support, and love your not-actually-weird, impossibly attractive, and highly intelligent self on the path through adolescence? If there was a future you at times of difficulty to tell you to do your best because the future will be fine and dandy if you believe that it will be? Someone to say, "I can assure you that everything will be okay. I got you," who completely understands everything that you've been through? I suppose an older sibling or close parent would be the closest thing to that. I appreciate my brother's effort to guide me in life more than he will ever understand. For that I will be eternally grateful and perhaps on my gravestone, I would ask to put a little "Thanks, you," note at the bottom.
But now we're getting morbid. We'll get more on this needy-for-assurance part of me later in the post. I swear that in real life I seem like the most independently sound person; I just happen to have this gaping hole in my heart in need of support because of daddy issues. You feel me, G?
There's nothing quite like taking my time to empty my own innermost thoughts onto something that feels concrete, frozen in time, yet possible to re-read and impossible to feel again. The written language itself astonishes me everyday.


Aw man, I was planning on finishing ^ THAT post and now it's already past new year's! For sure, I am going to finish publishing this post today. Shit is getting real. Real done. Not that Sara Lee semi-homemade stuff.

What has happened since the Thanksgiving area of time mentioned in the beginning of this post?
To be frank, (and you be Paul. Ha. Ha. That's a good one.):
a.) I found out that the Friends-With-Benefits, mentioned previously and pretty much in all of my recent blog entries, cheated on his girlfriend with another girl. Who was not me. This meeeeeans...
  1. He slept with me.
  2. He asked out a girl who was his friend a week later.
  3. During the 3-month period I did not talk to him, he cheated on that girl with yet another one of his friends.
  4. The "other-girl" he cheated on the first girlfriend with, he then asked to be his girlfriend.
  5. He told the first girlfriend that he just hung out with girl #2 while they were dating.
  6. He told me that he never had sex with either one of them.
  7. He slept with both of them.
  8. He cheated on girl #1 with me, therefore I was non-intentionally and non-aware of being the girl on the side.

How did I get this information? His best friend told me. Let's call him Paul, because I think I'll have more to say about him in posts this year.
Out with the old, in with the new. 

I hung out with Paul on New Year's Eve, but before that, he admitted something to me when we were hanging out one-on-one one evening.
Here's how the convo went:

"I think I need to tell you something because I think you're a really good, nice person."
Me: "What."
Paul: "Andrew [who is the Friend-With-Benefits] says that he calls you for sex."
Me: -puts down ice cream I was scarfing- "..."
Paul: "Is that true?"
Me: "He said that to you?"
Paul: "Yeah. He said you're the one who wants it..."
Me: "..."
Me: "When did he tell you this?" [Note that Andrew blatantly told me that he didn't tell his friends about the two of us. "Do I really seem like that kind of guy?!!" he asked me one time. Jerk.]
Paul: "Maybe 3 months ago. He explained it like this, 'If I drive around with That Girl and stop somewhere to look at the stars, get in the back of the car and say that I'm tired, she'll get in the back with me. I'll say that I want to take a nap, and she'll join me."
Me: "..."
Me: "Idon'tjustsleeparound, that's not who I am!"
Paul: "It's okay if you do, I don't judge you. I just think you need to know how he talks about you because I think that it's wrong. You're not just some faceless girl that he's messing around with; I know you and you're a good person."
Me: [We're sitting in my car having this conversation.] -Looks forward at the parking lot wall and explains entire story of Andrew and I-
Paul: "That's so wrong. He really messed with your emotions...I can't be friends with a guy like this."

The two of us then freaked out thinking about all this new information that had surfaced about Andrew. We both knew half of what he had told us, him being his best friend and me being one of Andrew's best friends turned girl-he-was-dating turned close friend-with-benefits. The bottom-line? Andrew is a liar and a cheater.
It got worse when Paul told me about all the objectifying comments that Andrew makes about his girlfriend and I told Paul that the last time I saw Andrew we slept together, with Andrew asking me to drive him to his girlfriend's house the next morning for her birthday. At some point, Andrew told me, "I only remember my mom's, my own, and her birthday." He continued to crush my soul by asking me if I'd rather have a necklace or a scarf for a present, and I found out that he bought that necklace for her. Additionally, he bought her a birthday present and he's never bought me a present in the entire time we've known each other. To just fuck everything else over, after we had sex that day he said, "I was so tired that I just wanted to get it over with."
Moral of the story?
He is an inconsiderate pig. Not to mention a manipulative asshole, making comments that made me feel bad about myself physically and intellectually, while sleeping with me knowing that 1/2 the time I seemed regretful in the morning. "It's okay. Wanna get breakfast?" he would say.
He and I subconsciously convinced myself that I needed him around to boost my self-confidence. For some fucked up, chemically-powered reason, every time before we slept together again I was sure that sleeping with him would make me happy and the during part made me feel accepted and loved (thanks for not giving me enough attention or time while growing up, dad). Afterwards, however, I almost always felt empty and lonely, regretful and shameful. I wanted someone to stick around after, and Andrew would stick around...but after we slept together he wouldn't be compassionate and cuddly with me, he'd treat me like his best guy pal and ask me to go get something to eat. He acted completely different before and after, which made me feel inadequate and used. But I didn't have the confidence to stop doing it because I was used to it.
I didn't like myself for sleeping with him. And I think he knew that, but at the same time, he wasn't a real friend who was watching out for my well-being. In Andrew's mind, if I continued to actively make the choice to do it with him, it didn't matter if I was all like, "We shouldn't have done that," a good portion of the mornings after.
I can honestly say that I've taken the Walk of Shame out of his house many, many times in 2013.
As my friend told me when I was with her and explaining the whole situation on 1/1/14,
"No more of that shit in 2014, That Girl!"
An interesting article I've been planning on discussing here is this:
"The Anti-Slut Lunch" article brings up several legit points, but honestly? Looking across from a guy with slight "oh no...did I do that?" face going on (as well as having day-after makeup/hair, scraggly clothing that you wore the night before, and a body that feels like it hasn't exactly been resting through the night) as the two of you skip through light conversations about food in bright daylight that contrasts to the cozy, dimmed bed-lamp that the two of you flipped off in passion a few hours ago is a little more uncomfortable than you might think.
Long story short, too late, I texted Andrew that he was the worst person that I've ever cared about and insisted that he never talk to me again. Since then, I've been feeling...


I feel free, confident, more loving of myself. I respect my mind, body, and time like I haven't in over a year.
My new year's resolution? No more of that shit in 2014!
Also, I need to stop eating so many muffins. Mmmmmm...sweet blueberry, banana, chocolate chip...

-That Girl, I want to be a good person.

F. Kafka: "A cage went in search of a bird."

5/12/14 Just as an update, this is probably my most favorite post that I have written on this blog thus far. When I feel down about myself or weak-willed, I'll sometimes read this back to myself and remember that I am a BAD BITCH and NOT WEAK! Girl power ftw, guise.