Wednesday, August 3, 2011


^ Prominent. No, not "predominant," OAF.

Dear Diary (4:55 PM on 8/3/11, I tricked my friends into not talking to me for 3 days straight by telling them that my vacay was way longer than the short day trip it was. Now I have an excuse to stay home and read and be anti-social instead of going out with friends to listen to them talk shit about our mutual friends, grovel about guys they harbor unrequited love for, and watch them kill bottles of very light alcoholic beverages with fruity flavors. NOPE, now I can sit home and read Goosebumps or old Judy Blume novels! And I'm legitly happy about this!)

I think I have trust issues. Or rather, I just think on the negative side of relationships. Of course, I'm not an emotional wreck with friends and boyfriends and family members by whining of how they're all going to leave me one day as I sit in my pink-curtained room reminiscing of memories I can never repeat. Even though I do actually have pink curtains.

Maybe I don't have trust issues as much as I just have a lot of self-esteem issues. I probably don't have enough self-esteem most of the time, that or I'm secretly an insecure mess devouring squares of Gharadelli chocolate with caramel inside and overthinking the entirety world.
I've just been kind of negative lately.
Like, I feel like whenever things are going really good, things are going to get bad quick.
When I make a new friend, I get insecure and feel like they're going to move on from me and find a better replacement.
When I had a boyfriend, I was never scared that he would cheat on me or that another girl might try to swoop him from me, I was just insecure that he'd find another girl that was better looking, taller, smarter, funnier, and more in sync with him than I was. He didn't really, but him having a best girl friend who he used to have a MAJOR thing for until she got another boyfriend and broke his heart, I couldn't get over the fact that she would always be number one to him and not me. Truthfully, I felt as if I couldn't live up to his standards of being her. I didn't want to BE here, natch, but I wished I was prettier and cuter or...I don't know, whatever she had that I didn't, still don't have.
Clearer skin? She has that. Nice teeth? Her braces job turned out better than my own. Boobs? Hers are larger. At least my boobs extend past me sticking out my tongue from the side now, but still! Why should I have to compete with another girl anyways?
Here's some advice girls: You should not have to compete with any other girl for your boyfriend's attention. If you do, he doesn't care about you enough. Unless it's like his mother or something of course.
But that was last summer. I was so happy last summer. I feel really...bland this summer. It's coming to a close, and I feel as if I have nothing to show! Last summer, I could say I went on a trip to L.A. and got myself a boyfriend who's really sweet.
This summer. What am I going to say about this summer?
"Oh yeah well I uh...worked at an office part time...those girls who used to call me "BFFL" (which I personally thought was dumb as fuck, I definitely was not bestfriendsforever with those jealous bitches) stopped talking to me because my best friend stopped being mad at them and now they won't get off her tits but won't hit me up to come near mine, my rabbit died spiraling me into a slight-depression for 2 days, not to mention a rousing day trip to Virginia City to pick up souvenirs so I could pretend I actually had a fantastic time ...and that's about it...oh yeah, I spent a good week icing this giganto zit on my face which I named Marvin...and my life sucks! Pretty cool right? How was yours? TELL ME, I REALLY WANT TO KNOW, BITCH."
Do I offend?

It's kind of weird, but I don't feel lonely or desperate or angry these days. I just feel incredibly nostalgic with a layer of sadness in me that won't go away. I suppose I'm just losing faith in good things happening to me. They say karma is real, but like they say in 500 Days of summer: there is no fate, and everything is just a mere coincidence. I don't know what to believe.
All I know is that I'm not lonely, but I wish somebody was there for me. I feel like I'm always there for everybody, and I mean...they're THERE if I need them, but I don't see nobody reaching out to make sure I'm okay when I'm really not.
I'm always there to listen and everything, and they listen to me when I'm sad...but it's like I don't want people to KNOW I'm sad. That's where my Bunny came in, listened without judging me. I might sound like a freak that I would use my rabbit as my therapist, confession booth, and best friend, but people do the same with their dogs and cats and lizards and muskrats, so it's actually not so strange. It's like having a baby brother. He listens and gives you a baby kiss if you're sad, but can't reply to what you're saying. It's less about listening to the words, as much as it's just about understanding the emotion and being there.
So maybe I kind of want a boyfriend now to be there and listen and not judge me, but at the same time, I seriously enjoy being single. I like being able to do what I want, talk to whomever I feel like, meet new people without feeling like you're betraying someone.
But I'm just rambling on and on here. I wasn't actually planning on making this post, but this is a good place to let it all out. People always think I'm happy. I smile, I laugh, I joke. I listen and I compliment, I don't normally insult or judge. I'm really empathetic, when I see somebody sad, I get surprisingly sad for a really long time. If a see a homeless family, sad and grimy and so helpless, I think about it for hours after. Like, I still look like I'm smiling and laughing and paying attention to all the jokes my friends make, but when I get home later on I'll sit on my bed and sob. I think about the sad thing I saw, and then start realizing all the sad things in my own life, and then it is GAME OVER SON.
This is a REALLY depressing post, DAAANG! But it's the truthful truth.

-That Girl, do you ever feel lost?

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