Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Hoarding Memories

Dear Diary,

My personality is one that consists of a cluttered mind. I'm always thinking, always trying to understand things in ways that aren't straightforward or plain as to not miss important details that are necessary to understand the bigger picture of things.

But just today I thought, what if I just stopped. If I just let go of the active thoughts, in motion, trying to connect one to another and lead to new forward directions that mean that things are more than what they plainly are. I thought, what if I just let those thoughts go. And I had a strange but relaxing moment of clarity. I suppose this is what meditation is for?

I stopped feeling thoughts fleeting from one to another, just cleared my head. And I thought, what if people clutter their minds the same way that hoarders clutter their homes. Because when I stopped the rapid firing that was giving me a headache - WHAT is the right decisions to make in my life at the moment I don't know. What I don't know I can't touch. I can make guesses on what could have lead me where I like, but the truth is that I've never guessed correctly about what my next move is going to be that will leas me to any solid conclusion.

When I cleared my head what I found was that ... Where I literally am is not where I want to be. I'm sitting with someone I used to love and my head is fogged with where this will lead in a week or two or three. I keep thinking that things will always be possibly better and always changing, but on what fucking account am I right to believe that I actually know what I'm doing this time around or that I'll guess right? My plans tend not to go according to plan, no matter how passionate and loyal I am to them in the beginning. Because I lose track of where I am in the present and how things are RIGHT NOW. I feel like shit RIGHT NOW. And I let myself go to sleep anxious, have nightmares about people who I don't trust saying or doing the worst things to me which my subconscious can imagine. And I let myself do it, waiting for the day that I'll know more. I'm waiting for clarity, when just taking a good fucking look around me now and the state that my mind is in is all of the clarity that I'll really need to know. To know that I'm drowning and I've been drowning. By always wishing for a better day or that the one I had already will replicate or branch out into days just like it again.

I am nostalgic. I always have been, but it is a burden when it's a key feature of how your mind operates. Always hinging on more of a good thing that has past. It's poison.

I wonder, do people clutter their minds to disappear from the present? Is it sometimes an excuse to get away from what's actually being done or what should be done? That hope in people to be the people we thought they were before. The options we sometimes lay out, seeing that maybe this good action will lead to another. That consideration that people can change and grow and adapt and be better to us again. Even ourselves. I've more and more become the most considerate person I know. There are boundaries, of course, of certain actions which I find irredeemable. Cheating without remorse or guilt or without accepting blame, I am not okay with and I will refuse to ever respect a person who cares to defend their cruel and selfish intentions with justifications of why it could be alright. But overarchingly, I try not to step on anyone's toes. I put the extra effort around people I love to say things that make them feel better about themselves as a whole or compliment what I know will give them more confidence in their weak spots through poking fun with jabs of luv. But when it comes to me... I want someone who loves me and can love me in the same way that I love them. Who shares it passionately and truly understands that if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say it so all.

Coming back the point. People hoard items sometimes to evade the feeling of loss over time. Things literally do not come and go. There is no clarity in how things truly are when it's a mess to go from point a to b. Are people disorganized in their thoughts sometimes as a defense to accepting the way things are presently? Looking for options to change the facts and re sorting when things may look gloomy coming ahead, instead of knowinf simply when something is worth pushing through and when it's okay to let go completely?

Clearing the closests of my mind, vacuuming the stray crumbs, and letting myself throw away the things that truly don't matter anymore at THIS point in time,

That Girl

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