Saturday, July 4, 2009

FMLs-not my own!

Dear Diary ((6:55 PM... 4th of July!))

I'm in the mood to make myself feel better about my *ahem* slightly pathetic *ahem* life so I'm checkin' out to ease my pain!

Here's some of my all-time faves!!

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

Today, I was talking to my crush about making the soccer team. Excited, he congratulated me and asked for my number. I proceeded to give him my cellphone number. He laughed and said "your jersey number". FML

Today I had to perform a skit in my class. My skit included me wearing tight spandex compression shorts. The class laughed pretty hard, and I felt good. Afterward, a girl I have a crush on said, "So the stereotype about Asian guys IS true." Through the fluorescent lights you could see my junk. FML

Today my daughter asked me when the first time I had sex was and when I told her 22 she quickly shouted "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

Today, me and my friend decided to spy on my crush. He lives across the street, so we climbed on the roof of my house and watched him with binoculars. He was working out, and after 5 minutes he started writing something. He put a piece of paper against the window and it said, 'Stop watching me.' FML

Today, I spotted one of my close friends using the ATM outside our school's university center. I decided to creep up behind him, grab his shoulders abruptly, and shouted in my best deep man voice "give me all your money!". Turned out to be a poor, unsuspecting freshman. He gave me his money. FML

Today my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

Today, my biology teacher told me that every Friday we should wear a hideous shirt to count down the last days of freshman year. So when Friday came around we decided to have a contest for most hideous shirt. I won. I forgot to wear a hideous shirt. FML

Today I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

Today, I was coaching a little league soccer game. I was telling one of my players to go cover another kid. I said "go cover the little yellow kid!" because he happened to be wearing a yellow shirt. He also happened to be Asian. I then got death stares from his family members. FML

Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paper work. Later, she asks me, "What does Cauc
asian mean?". I ask, "Why?". Apparently she didn't recognize the word so she checked "other" and wrote in "white". FML

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

Today, I worked at a homeless shelter for over 3 hours, then had my car stolen by some homeless guy. FML

Today, at lifeguard class, I played a victim while my peers strapped me to the backboard in the water. When I was strapped down, I got wood in a wet swimsuit. My hands were strapped down so I could do nothing to hide it. FML

No wait, these is my favorite ones out of them all:

Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes he did! He's lying I saw him drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull right out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled: "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time.

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

Ahhhh Good Bye self pity!

-That Girl, soaking in the FMLs :)

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